


Never let me go

by hannakin



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Drinking, Even has a daugthter, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Insomnia, M/M, Mental Illness, Sick Isak Valtersen, Strangers to Lovers, Swearing, alternative universe, older Even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-03-26 22:49:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 151,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13867644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannakin/pseuds/hannakin
Summary: Isak is 20 years old and struggles hard to balance his medstudies with his job as a waiter. Between the two of them he hardly has time to stop to reflect and take a breath but maybe that's for the best because in those moments Isak feels like the loneliest person in the world. Noone has ever chosen him and while all his friends seem to have already found their place in the universe Isak feels like maybe this is all this universe has to offer him.Even is 32 has a good job and an amazing daughter. He and Ellie are a team and best friends and she is undoubtly the most important thing in his life. He has great support from his parent's and friends. He has everything he could ever dream of.  Yet, it feels like there might be something missing and sometimes the guilt of not being enough treathens to eat him alive.They meet at a time when they are both feeling lonely and are in desperate need for eachother. But that doesn't mean that it will be easy.“I’ll definitely come back and try that lemon sorbet someday,” the man says.“You should,” Isak says, smilingA stranger to lovers fic with uni-student Isak and older Even.





	1. You didn’t let me down at all

**Author's Note:**

> Another day, another fic. I asked what people would rather read and the majority wanted a strangers to lovers with older Even and here it is. I've written an outline for the entire story and I'm very excited about it. It will probably be a rollercoaster of emotions with lots of angst because that is what I like best. 
> 
> This is somewhat canon but I've chosen to change a few things to spice things up. Isak never met Eskild and continued to live with his mother until he moved out when he was 18. He barely talked to his parents since. Even went to Bakka and so did the rest of the balloon squad. Thing still went down between them but they have found their way back to each other. 
> 
> English is not my native langauge and while I do my best I'm not perfect and sometimes struggle to express myself in the way I want.

He is late again and this time it’s not even his fault. His lecture ran over and he missed his bus by a few minutes despite running to the bus stop. Now he is running again, late again for the second time this week. He curses under his breath as he runs down the street, the straps of his heavy backpack cutting into his shoulders mercilessly. It’s snowing again and the unforgiving cold that has wrapped it’s hand around Oslo for the last few weeks makes it almost painful as the icy wind hits his face.

He is out of breath by the time he reaches the restaurant and heads straight into the kitchen. The restaurant is almost empty since it’s only four in the afternoon and the first dinner guests are set to arrive in an hour or so. Still there is an older couple sitting by one of the window tables and two men sitting at a small table in one of the corners.

“You are late,” Sasha comments as Isak enters the kitchen. “Again! Are you slacking off or what?”

Isak rolls his eyes at her as he passes and turns to where Dimitri, one of the chefs, is standing, preparing veggies for tonight’s service.

“Isak, my man,” Dimitri says and raises his hand. “Please save me from having to listen to her talking about her vacation. I’ve listened to it three days straight. She is starting to become unbearable”

Isak can’t help but laugh. He loves coming to work despite having had a long day at the university with lectures from eight in the morning. Even though it takes a lot of time and energy juggling his tough schedule as a med student with work several days a week he couldn’t have asked for a better job. The pay is okay and his co-workers are amazing. His boss is also nice and let’s Isak take as many shifts he needs and he is always flexible with Isak’s schedule. Still it’s kind of exhausting, hurrying from uni, working until the restaurant closes, running home and trying to catch up with his reading or laundry or whatever is waiting for him back home and fall asleep way past midnight only to wake up the next day at six or seven to repeat the same procedure again. It only works because it has to. Because Isak can’t afford not to. Today is Friday though which means that Isak only has work tomorrow and Sunday and even if Sunday is going to be a long day with a double shift Isak looks forward to being able to sleep in.

He gets dressed in the changing rooms, changing out of his comfortable hoodie and jeans, to his fitted black trousers and white shirt. His hair is a bit messy and his cheeks still rosy from being outside.

On his way back into the kitchen he walks past the small office where Reine sits typing away at the computer with a deep frown on his face. Reine is about sixty years old, or so Isak thinks. He has never really asked but since Reine has three kids and a grandchild on the way Isak has placed him in that age category. He has grey hair that he likes to pull whenever he is stressed or deep in thought. He looks up as soon as he hears Isak.

“Hi, Isak” he says, smiling slightly.

“Hi. Sorry I’m late. My lecturer ran over…” Isak starts but Reine raises his hand.

“Don’t worry about it,” he says calmly. “Your lecturer should be ashamed though. Letting a class run over on a Friday afternoon.”

Isak smiles.

“I guess, maybe you can call her?” he jokes.

Reine chuckles.

“I’ll definitely have to if she keeps stealing my best waiter.”

Even though it is a joke, one that Reine tells all his staff several times a week, Isak feels warm inside. Praise is not something he is used to so he is going to soak it up in any form he can.

“Now, let’s go into the kitchen, the paper work can wait,” Reine continues as he stands up from his chair.

Ten minutes later Isak out behind the bar, sorting out the glasses and making sure they have all they need for the evening. He’s been doing it so many times now that it is all sort of a routine but that gives him the opportunity to run through today’s lecture in his head. He had done is best to keep up but it had been difficult to focus during the last hour since he had been running on little sleep from the night before and he had found himself drifting of and losing concentration for a few minutes at the time. He would have to revisit his notes again tonight after work before he forgot about them all together. Maybe he could ask on of his classmates too.

Isak is so deep into thought that he almost doesn’t notice as a guest approaches the bar and leans slightly against the counter.

“Hi,” a dark voice says and Isak looks up.

“Uh, hi,” Isak says, feeling slightly flustered. “What can I get you?”

The man in front of him is tall but lean with broad shoulders and dark blond hair. He is wearing a dark button up shirt and dark jeans. His smile is possibly to most gorgeous smile Isak has seen. It is wide and reaches his eyes were they crinkle just slightly.

“Something to drink, I hope.” The man says politely.

“Of course,” Isak says, trying to keep his voice steady. “This is a bar after all.”

Instantly he can feel his cheek heat up. Who the fuck says something like that to a customer? Isak does apparently because he is an idiot. The man laughs out loud though and Isak relaxes a bit.

“Good, because I really want something to drink.” He nods towards the table to where he is sitting. There is another man sitting on a chair, busy scrolling through his phone.

Isak takes a breath to collect himself and puts on his best waiter’s smile.

“If you want to I can bring you the menu to the table,” he says. “If you both want to have a look?”

Reine would be proud of him if he saw him and Sasha would be rolling her eyes at him and comment on his ability to go from his “grumpy self” to being the most charming waiter.

The man looks at Isak intensely with the same smile still on his face,

“It’s okay actually. I was just thinking I would have a beer or something before we order something to eat but I don’t think he want’s anything. He kind of has girlfriend troubles.”

Isak nods quietly.

“He’s a lightweight so he will just end up texting her a bunch of crappy texts if he drinks so I’m just taking him out for an early dinner to lighten his mood.” The man continues and Isak nods again and clears his throat.

“So what can I give you?” he asks.

“I’ll just have a Staropramen.”

“Sure,” Isak says and reaches for a glass from above his head.

“Or what do you recommend?” the man asks.

 Isak is not sure what to say. He’s not exactly an expert when it comes to beer. He usually goes for the cheapest whenever he is out or the one that will make him drunk fastest. This man on the other hand is probably much more sophisticated. If you could call Staropramen sophisticated which it probably isn’t.

“I can’t say I’m the biggest expert,” Isak manages. “but the chili nuts are very nice. I can definitely recommend those.”

Again Isak feels like a complete idiot and he mentally kicks himself for being unable to keep is cool. The man smiles again and Isak feels butterflies in his stomach once more. It’s probably creepy that he finds this man so attractive when he is probably in his early to mid-thirties and way too old for Isak but the way he looks at Isak with those intense, blue eyes and that dazzling smile, it’s hard not to find him attractive.

“I’ll have a Staropramen and some nuts then.” the man concludes.

Isak fills the glass from the tap and scopes up some nuts in to another.

When the man grabs for his wallet, Isak gestures towards the table again.

“If you want to I can put it on the table and you can pay when you have had dinner,” he says.

The man shrugs slightly and puts the wallet back into the pocket.

“Actually that would be great.” he says.

Isak watches the man until he sits down at his table next to his friend who looks up when he sits down. He forces himself to turn his attention back to his task and continues his check over realizing he needs to go get more wine. He makes his way back towards the kitchen and can’t help casting a look towards the table where the man and his friend is sitting. The man looks up and when he notices Isak looking at him he smiles. Isak hurriedly walks back into the kitchen which is now considerably busier than when he left and there is now a buzz of activities going on. Marcus, José and Wilma three of the other waiters are all there and Thomas one of the other chefs has joined Dimitri.

The two of them are like a married couple, always bickering and arguing and today is no difference. Isak secretly likes it though. It makes him feel like he belongs. Even the others don’t think much of it Isak feels like they might be the best family he has ever had.  

The storage room is quiet in comparison and Isak gets a moment to just breathe as he loads his little trolley with bottles of wine. His shoulders feel tense after today’s long lecture and too many hours by his computer and he can feel a headache building between his eyes. He’ll have to take something for it before the service starts for real. He rubs at his eyes tiredly just as the door opens and Sasha pokes her head inside.

“Oh, hi!” she says chipperly but frowns when she sees his tired expression. “Headache again?” she asks and he nods.

“I’m okay;” he says.

He doesn’t like to worry her or anyone else for that matter but he always seems to fail at that.

She nods and gives him an encouraging smile.

“I can get those out if you want to go find some painkillers or something,” she suggests.

“Thanks, Sash, I owe you one,” he says gratefully.

“You sure do,” she smirks. “And don’t ever call me Sash again.”

He always calls her Sash and she always pretends to hate it. It’s their thing and it’s one of the things Isak likes so much about her. In a way she is almost like his big sister.

Isak takes a deep breath and hurries out of the door before it closes and he gets locked inside. He goes back to the changing room and rumbles through his backpack in order to find his painkillers he knows are there. He finds them at the bottom of the bag, only one left and the other one laying loosely next to an old receipt and an old gum wrapper. He decides to throw it away before swallowing the other one and making a mental note to buy more next time he is doing grocery shopping. He looks at himself in the mirror above the sink and takes the time to try to sort out his messy hair.

 

20 minutes later his headache is all gone and Isak hurries between the tables, trying to make sure that all his customers are happy and satisfied. He recommends the salmon to a man in his fifties and offers some paper and crayons for a family with a restless five year old who refuses to sit still while they are waiting for their food. The mother gives him a thankful look and apologizes when her daughter accidently drops the fork she is playing with on the floor.

“Don’t worry about it,” Isak smiles. “It happens all the time.”

He fucking hates kids.

An hour later he is already tired and he’s not even half way through his shift. It’s going to be a long night.

“Isak could you take the dessert orders for table seven? I’ve already given them the menus so they should be ready soon.”

It’s Markus that is asking and Isak notices that he looks as tired as Isak feels like. It’s a busy night and Markus is one of the newest waiters and he sometimes struggles with the fast pace. He is way better than Isak was though so Isak has no doubts he will be a better waiter in a few weeks.

“Sure,” he says.

“Thank you, you are a life saver,” Markus says and the relief is evident in his voice.

 “Don’t worry about it,” Isak comments as he heads out of the doors again.

Everyone in his section seem to be pleased for now and the little girl is now eating her ice cream happily. Thank god. When he looks over to table seven he realises it is the man from before and his friend still sitting there. Isak has no idea why it makes him feel slightly nervous. The friend has put down the menu which means he is probably ready to order but the man is still looking through it. Isak takes a deep breath and makes his way over to the table.

“Are you ready to order?” he asks carefully, looking back and forth between them.

The man looks up from the menu and looks at Isak with a wide smile on his face. Then he looks over to his friend.

“I think we are ready,” he says and the friend nods and smiles politely.

“I’ll have the tiramisu and an espresso,” he says and Isak scribbles down the order on his note pad.

Then he turns towards the man.

“Actually what do you recommend?” the man asks. “You were right about the nuts. They were delicious.”

Isak looks at him not sure if the man is joking or not but the wide grin on the man’s face is hard not to return.

“The Crème Brule is amazing, my absolute favourite.” he says honestly. “But if you want something lighter the lemon sorbet is very good. It’s the best I’ve eaten.”

The man nods and looks as if he is taking every one of Isak’s words very seriously.

“I’m going to trust your words and try the Crème Brule then” he says.

“You won’t regret it,” Isak says with a small smile.

“I hope not, I’ve seriously high expectations now,” the man jokes.

Their hands touch for a millisecond as the man hands Isak the menu and when Isak reaches the kitchen again he has to stop and take a deep breath to try to stop his racing heart. He gives the orders to Thomas before he hurriedly makes his way to the bathroom. He sinks down on the toilet seat gratefully and takes another breath. He has no idea what is happening to him but everything about this man makes him feel nervous and flustered. His stylish hair, his intense eyes and especially that wide smile. It makes him feel stupid though because this is just a guest. Just like anybody else.

It’s a bit hard to concentrate after that and he is awfully aware of the man looking at him as he clears one of the tables. It almost makes him knock over an empty glass but he is able to save himself from the embarrassment. Thankfully Marcus is able to serve the dishes to the man and his friend and Isak can focus on his own tables trying hard not to get distracted by the man again.

Everything is going well until he is standing at the till trying to sort out the payment from one of his tables. He notices that someone is looking at him and when he looks up the man is standing in front of him again. He is wearing his coat now. A dark blue or black, Isak can’t really tell in the dimly lit room, pea coat.

“Hello,” he says slowly.

“Hi,” Isak replies. “Is everything alright?”

 “Yes, the opposite actually. The Crème Brule was very nice. You didn’t let me down at all,” the man says.

Isak smiles.

“That’s good,” he replies. “I’ll let the chef know. He’ll be very glad.”

“I actually wanted to pay, is that okay? I mean I was going to pay for both of us but then Mikael insisted he wanted to split and then I thought it would be easier to pay here. Would that be a problem?”

“No, no problem at all.” Isak says. “Just one moment please.”

There is a moment of silence while Isak makes sure that the man is paying for the right things. He fumbles a little bit with the touch screen and almost manages to delete their entire order under the man’s intense watch but then he finally manages to get it right.

“That would be 486,” he says, clearing his throat slightly.

The man takes out his wallet to pay and Isak takes the opportunity to check the man out again. He is literally everything Isak likes in a guy and there is something so effortless about him. He seems like the most relaxed person in the world whereas Isak is left nervous and awkward. He is so busy staring that he doesn’t notice that the man has already payed and is left standing, waiting for Isak to give him his receipt.

“Sorry,” Isak mumbles.

“No worries,” the man smiles.

Isak hands him his receipt at puts the other one in the till. They both end up standing in silence as they wait for Mikael who apparently is in the bathroom. The man keeps looking at him the entire time and Isak pretends to look at the screen in front of him, too shy to keep eye contact. He has already made a fool out of himself in front of this man. Twice. Multiple times probably.

 “I’ll definitely come back and try that lemon sorbet someday,” the man says, breaking the silence between them, just as Mikael walks up to them.

“You should,” Isak says, smiling slightly before he turns to Mikael who stands in front of him, coat and scarf in one arm and his wallet and phone in his other hand.

“I thought you were going to wait for me?” Mikael says and gives the man a questioning look.

The man just shrugs.

“I just figured it be easier to pay upfront since you refused to let me pay for everything. It will probably be easier for them,” he says. “I’ve already payed.”

 Mikael nods and turns to Isak.

“I guess I’m paying for the rest then,” he says.

A minute later Isak watches the two of them leave. He follows the man with his gaze until they are out of the restaurant and disappears around the corner of the street outside. Then he forces himself to go back to his work. There is still a few hours more to go and he has to focus because the restaurant is nowhere near empty.

It isn’t until later, after they have closed that Sasha approaches him with a receipt in her hand.

“Look at this,” she exclaims excitedly. “Someone left us a huge tip. Like really huge.”

She hands him the receipt and he checks it over. It is from table 7 and the time matches when the man payed so that means it must be him or Mikael who left it. Curious, Isak makes his way over to the till and checks the recipes. It doesn’t take him long to figure out that the receipt with the high tip is from a few minutes before the other receipt which means that it was indeed the man who left it. Isak hadn’t noticed at the time. He had been too distracted by the handsome man in front of him and his intense looks to even consider to check if they left a tip but the tip is probably the highest they have ever gotten since he started at the restaurant.

As he walks home 20 minutes later it is still on his mind. When he gets home and takes a shower it is still on his mind. And it’s most definitely still on his mind when he tries to fall asleep after uselessly trying to revise today’s lecture notes.

And he doesn’t even know the man’s name.


	2. “You make me sound like some creepy child-predator,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, just wow. The response to the first chapter was amazing and I feel so happy and gratefull. Thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos and commenting. It means so much and it really gave me the confidence and motivation to keep writing and keep developing my ideas for this fic. :)
> 
> This chapter is from Even's pow and my idea is to have odd umbered chapters from Isak's pow and even numbered from Even's. In this chapter we will also meat Even's daughter and explore their relationship.

_Isak_

Even rereads the name from the receipt for the third time. The waiter’s name is Isak. Even finds himself smiling at the memory from last night.

It had been a normal day at work, and he had been planning on just going home afterwards, since Ellie would be gone anyway. He had looked forward to a night to himself where he could just put on a good movie, order some food and drink a glass of wine. But then Mikael had texted him telling him he and Kristine had had another fight and he had sounded so upset that Even had decided to ditch his plans and take Mikael out after work. It was Mikael who had suggested the restaurant and Even had never been there before.

They hadn’t been there long before a cute guy with rosy cheeks and long legs hurried inside and caught Even’s attention. Even had watched as the guy ran straight for the kitchen and disappeared behind the door.

So when he had spotted Isak alone behind the bar he had quickly taken his chance and made up an excuse to Mikael that he wanted a beer.

Even smiles at the memory of the shy guy, Isak, behind the bar. He clearly remembers Isak’s shy smile and is cheekiness that Even for some reasons feels very intrigued by. Isak is young, probably between 18-20 and normally Even would never find someone that young attractive but there is something about this Isak guy he can’t forget. Even now the day after, the memory makes him feel all sorts of weird emotions he hasn’t felt in a long time. He really needs to get his shit together.

He had been looking at Isak the whole night, stealing glances at him as Isak worked. He hadn’t exactly been subtle about it either and after Isak had taken their dessert orders, Mikael had called him out on his weird behaviour.

“Are you checking him out?” Mikael had smirked.

“What no, of course not,” Even had lied.

Neither of them had believed it. 

Then when they were about to leave and Mikael had gone to the bathroom Even had taken the chance again once he spotted Isak behind the till.

Now Even he can’t get Isak out of his head.

“Dad?”

Even is suddenly taken back to reality by Ellie’s slightly annoyed voice. He turns his head around to where his daughter is standing by the kitchen island. The annoyance in her tone certainly matches the look on her face and Even wonders just how long she has been trying to get his attention.

“What?” he says and her face shifts from irritated to slightly amused.

“What’s even on your mind?” she asks.

“Uh, work,” Even mutters. “What were you saying?”

She rolls her eyes.

“I said what do you want for dinner tonight? You said we were going to cook together. I thought we could watch a movie together.”

“Maybe pasta?” he suggests.

She wrinkles her nose.

“I’ve had pasta three times this week,” she says.

“Chicken? There’s some in the fridge.”

“No, me and Ida had that yesterday,” she says and Even sighs.

She always does this.

“You pick something then,” he says picking up on of her socks from the floor and flungs it at her watching her trying to duck too late.

It hits her in the face before landing on the counter. He gives her a triumphal grin before throwing himself on the couch to avoid getting hit himself as the sock comes flying right back at him. Luckily for him she is too slow and too bad at aiming.

“You are so disgusting,” she says grumpily.

“No, you are disgusting for always leaving your dirty socks everywhere,” he remarks sitting back up again.

Ellie is notoriously messy, has been since she was a kid. It used to drive Sonja mad because Sonja was a nit-pick about everything and a perfectionist. Even doesn’t really mind though. The truth is that he is not the tidiest person himself. It’s just the way they are and since it’s only the two of them the apartment is sometimes a bit messy.

“I hate socks,” Ellie says as she walks over to the couch and picks up the sock.

“I know,” Even says fondly. “You used to drive us and the teachers at the nursery crazy because you took them off at anywhere. I think half of our budget went to your socks because you kept losing them.”

He remembers it so well, when Ellie used to be a toddler before Sonja decided that she wasn’t cut for being a mother and left when Ellie was only five. Since then it is just the two of them, him and Ellie.

“Haha,” she says. “I’m going to take a shower. And but this sock in the hamper like the great daughter I am.”

She disappears into the bathroom and it doesn’t take long before music is blasting from the speakers she managed to convince him to install when they renovated their bathroom last year. He had thought it was a completely unnecessary thing to spend money on but she had nagged him about it for two weeks and now he have to admit he kind of likes it. It might be a bit ridiculous but he likes it, especially when he is home alone and everything feels quiet and weird. It feels like is home alone more and more often now days. It’s understandable because Ellie is sixteen and this autumn she started her first year of high school. Of course she wants to spend time outside of her home but since she was five it’s been just them, spending long nights on the couch together, making milk shakes and hot chocolates, eating in front of the TV and watch movies until they both fell asleep. They still have these nights but Even fears that they will be less and less. It doesn’t sit well with him at all.

Sonja had left when Ellie was five after realising that motherhood wasn’t for her. The two of them had not been together at the time but her packing up her things and moving to another country with her new boyfriend had  been a lot to handle. At the time he had never thought he would be able to do it on his own but with the support from his parents and then his friends he had managed. Little by little and day by day he had found himself in a new routine as a single dad with a young daughter.

Ellie is his best friend and his everything.  Their bond is as close as a parent-child bond can be and she is truly that best thing that has ever happened to him.

It’s just that sometimes Even feels guilty. Because sometimes he feels like he can never be what Ellie deserves.

He goes flips through all their channels on the TV as he waits for her to get out of the shower but nothing interests him. He should be doing so work but he cannot bring himself to that either. He knows he’s a bit behind and that unless he shapes up in the next week, his boss will be disappointed with him. The biggest problem is that Even feels so unmotivated and has for a very long time. His job at a PR agency and never been his first choice. He had always dreamt of being a director, or a producer or even a camera man. Anything to with film really but with Ellie he had had to set his dreams aside for her. Film was a uncertain business and with a child to provide for he couldn’t throw years of education for something that might not even bring any money. He knew his parents would have supported him nonetheless but he had put them through enough. So he had studied PR at the university and at first hi job had brought him joy and excitement. Now, 7 years later that excitement is all gone.

The music in the bathroom stops and five minutes later Ellie steps out of the bathroom wrapped in her bathrobe and a towel around her hair. She looks so much like her mother like that. Most people say she looks like him but all Even can see is Sonja. She has Sonja’s eyes and Sonja’s cheek bones. Most people says she has his nose and mouth especially when she smiles.

 “We could make sushi for dinner,” he suggests, clearing his throat-

She stops in her tracks and is quiet for a few seconds.

“Okay,” she says “But you’ll have to pick up the groceries because I won’t be home until five. And you’ll have to make the rice. I ruined it last time.”

Even smiles at the memory and watches her disappear into her room.

“What are you doing today?” he asks when she reappears in the living room, dressed in some jeans and a knitted sweatshirt.

 “Me and Ida are going out for lunch and then I’m going to buy a new pair of jeans,” she answers as she rumbles through her bag. “Have you seen my keys?” she asks.

Even shakes his head.

He watches in amuse as she empties her whole bag unto the floor.  She swears under her breath and runs back into her room. A few minutes later, she comes back empty handed and continues her search in the rest of the apartment.

“Fuck, I’m going to be so late,” she mutters

Even smirks.

Finally she founds her keys in one of Even’s shoes on the shoe rack.

“I’ll be back around five. I’ll text you.”

“Okay, have fun,” he says. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” she calls as she slams the door shut behind her.

While Ellie is away, Even ends up busy himself with some actual work and when he is done he figures out he should take a walk to buy groceries for tonight. It’s a sunny day, still very cold but it’s the middle of January so it’s to be expected. He buys some salmon and tuna for the sushi at the grocery store and the rest of the ingredients at a small Asian shop. Suddenly he finds himself walking past the restaurant from last night. It’s currently closed, opening again at night. The memories of Isak comes back again and he is left feeling both stupid and happy.  Stupid because he shouldn’t have a crush, is it a crush? on a guy much younger than him. Happy because Isak had been so, so sweet and all Even had wanted to do was talk to him. He can’t very well turn up there today again can he? And how would he even explain that to Ellie? But as he checks out the opening hours again he gets an idea.

-

It’s just before noon when Even walks into the restaurant again but the place is full of people and he curses under his breath. What if he doesn’t get a table? Then all his persuading will be for nothing. Well not nothing he supposes because he will still get to enjoy spending a few hours with his best friend and hopefully have some delicious food but he would be lying if he didn’t secretly hope that Isak would be working today. Actually, if he doesn’t get to at least see Isak today he will be majorly disappointed. So as they stand in the line to get a table he looks out for the blond waiter with long legs.

“Even, seriously,” Mikael sighs and tucks at Even’s arm. “This is getting ridiculous. Could you at least be subtle about it.”

“I am subtle,” Even protests just as he spots Isak walking out from the kitchen, balancing three plates on his arms.

Even follows him with his eyes, ignoring Mikael’s dramatic exhale

“You look like you’ve seen an angel. Stop, it’s freaking me out.”

Even rolls his eyes.

“Stop being so dramatic,” he says. “Can’t I appreciate a person’s looks without it freaking you out? It’s not like I’m going to ask him to marry me. ” 

“Not yet,” Mikael mutters and while it might sound like a joke, Even recognises the seriousness in Mikael’s voice.  

He lets the slight irritation and bitterness in Mikael’s tone slide because he knows that Mikael still feels down about his argument with Kristine and that Even sometimes can be a bit too much.

Eventually they get seated by a dark-skinned girl with big brown eyes and a friendly smile on her face.

“Please have a seat and someone will be with you shortly,” she says as she hands them their menus.

“Thank you,” Mikael says and Even nods and silently returns her smile.

They look through their menu’s in silence and as Mikael focuses on the menu Even takes the chance to look out for Isak. It doesn’t take long for him to find him. Isak is standing only a few tables away pointing at the menu with a small smile on his face. He nods attentively has the guest says something and then writes it down in his note pad. Even quickly looks down in the menu again when Isak turns around. He doesn’t want Isak to know that he is starring at him.

“What are you going to order?” he asks Mikael.

Mikael looks up.

“I think I’m going to try the salmon,” he says. “You?”

The truth is that Even has barely had a chance to look in the menu yet.

“I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll go…”

He doesn’t have time to answer before Isak is suddenly standing in front of them.

“Hello,” he says. “Are you ready to order?”

A second later his face lights up in a shy smile.

“You were here on Friday right?” he asks curiously and looks at Even.

Isak actually remembers them. Which means that Even’s awkward and, according to Mikael, indiscrete attempts to get Isak’s attention worked.  Isak may think Even is a complete idiot but at least he remembers him.

“We were,” Even confirms. “We thought we would try the lunch menu as well,” he continues.

“I’m glad you did,” Isak smiles. “I mean we are. It’s always nice when guests come back,” he mumbles and looks away briefly.

 “After that amazing crème brulee I knew I had to come back and try something else,” Even says.

 “That’s nice to hear,” Isak says, a slight smirk on his face. “I’m glad you liked my recommendation.”

 “I definitely did,” Even says.

 Isak smiles.

 “Are you ready to order?” he asks and for the first time in a few minutes he turns his attention to Mikael and Even suddenly remembers that his best friend is there with him.

 Mikael seems just as taken back about the sudden attention.

 “Uh, yeah I was thinking about the salmon”

 Isak nods.

 “Absolutely.” he says. “Anything else? Something to drink?”

 “I’ll just have some water, still, please.”

 Isak nods again, biting his lip slightly as he takes Mikael’s order. His hair is less messy today but it still curls in his neck and around his ears.

 “What about you?”

 Even fiddles with the menu, suddenly feeling a bit nervous. Up close and in day light Isak’s eyes are the most beautiful green.  

 “What do you recommend?” he says and looks straight into those green eyes.

 “I guess it depends,” Isak says playfully. “What do like?”

 “Anything really,” Even grins.

 “Lots of people like the lamb with roast vegetables but I prefer the chicken pasta. It’s really nice.”

 “Hm,” Even hums completely mesmerized by Isak’s eyes.

 “If you want a little bit more time I can come back in a few minutes?” Isak suggests when Even doesn’t say anything else. “I don’t mean to rush you.”

 “No, it’s okay” Even says. “I trust you.”

 Isak lifts his eyebrow.

 “You trust me?” he smiles.

 “Absolutely. I’ll have the chicken pasta,” he says. “But my expectations are really high now,” he continues stupidly and before he can stop himself he quickly adds “You better not let me down. I’m really trusting you now.”

 He wants to kick himself for always saying stupid things. This is not the first time he has said random stuff to Isak either. Thankfully Isak just laughs.

 “I’m going to keep my fingers crossed,” he jokes. “What would you like to drink?”

 “I’ll just have water too, I guess.” Even says.

 “Absolutely, just let me know if there is anything else,” Isak says as he takes the menus from them.

 Even looks at Isak as he walks away. When he finally looks back at Mikael his friend just rolls his eyes.

 “What?” Even asks innocently even though he knows exactly what Mikael is going to say.

 “This was honestly the weirdest conversation I’ve ever seen,” his friend states.

 “Well you are the most dramatic person I’ve ever seen,” Even says, feeling slightly defensive.

 Mikael sighs.

 “I don’t mean it like that,” he says softly. “I guess it’s just weird seeing you flirt like that.”

 “I was not flirting,” Even says. “I was just being friendly.”

 Mikael snorts.

 “You were definitely flirting. I know you so don’t even try to deny it.  It’s just he’s really young. He looks like he is barely 18.”

 “You make me sound like some creepy child- predator,” Even mutters.  

When Isak turns up with their drinks only a few minutes he gives Even small, cute smiles which Even just has to return. Mikael looks so smug about it that Even has to restrain himself from kicking Mikael on the legs.

 Sometimes it’s hard to believe that they are 32 and not 15.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think. It would mean a lot :) What do think about Ellie?
> 
> I've tried to set up a dynamic with Isak and Even which will of course be developed further as the fic continues. I'd like to thin that they could still have that mix och shyness and playfulness that I really love from the series. They are both a bit shy around each other (Even too) but they are still very curious and intrigued by eachother and they are a bit playful too. Next chapter will go deeper into Isak and the issues he is facing. Stay tuned. 
> 
> Thanks again and until next time, take care!


	3. Always chilinuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak struggles with the beginning of term.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A mid day update because why not? I'm blown away buy the response to this fic so far. I had never anticipated it but I'm very happy and grateful! I means a lot that so many of you seems to like it and Isak and Even's dynamic. This chapter is a bit more angsty, still not too bad in my opinion but we get to explore Isak's struggles a bit mor and his thoughts on his life situation. There is a bit less Even in this chapter but we need to get to know both of them on their own as well I suppose. To be honest not much happens in this chapter at all but I still think it is important. 
> 
> Thank you to all of you who have read, left kudos and taken the time to comment. You are all too nice :)

Isak can’t sleep. Even after skyping for two hours with Jonas he’s mind won’t stop racing. He has no idea why anymore. A few years ago he could almost always link his insomnia to something but know he has just come to accept that it will flare up regularly. He can’t remember a time when he didn’t have issues sleeping because he has struggled his whole life. He remembers clearly when he was just a kid and he used to stay awake at night unable to fall asleep and too scared to leave his bed. His parents have never been much support. Not then and certainly not now. Back then they would just tell him to go back to his room, that their king-sized bed was too small to fit his little body curled next to his mother. His father had told him to stop acting like a baby when he was in fact five years old.

His father left when Isak was 16 and never looked back and Isak had to take care of his mother. Then Isak left. When Isak thinks about it he’s probably a lot like his own father he resents so much. A coward that leaves.

He hasn’t seen is father since he was 17 and the last time he spoke to his mother was on Christmas Eve. Maybe it’s the guilt that keeps him up this night? Isak knows that Jonas had been able to tell but had chosen not to ask. Jonas knows him well enough. He knows when enough is enough and when to not interfere. It’s the benefit of them having known each other for so long.

Jonas lives in the US and Isak doubts he will ever come home. When Jonas talks about all the amazing things he experiences on a daily basis, Isak recognises the happiness in his best friend’s voice. Who is he to damper his best friends light spirit with his own lame life? Jonas is living life, and here Isak is, struggling to keep his head above water. Sometimes it feels like he is seconds from drowning. Sometimes he looks at his friends and realises how pathetic his life is compared to theirs. He studies and works and that’s it. Sometimes if he has the time he will join his classmates on the weekends when they go out on parties. On those occasions, he will drink until he doesn’t remember the name of the guy he is hooking up with.

Magnus lives with his girlfriend in Bergen and Mahdi studies engineering and even though he still lives in Oslo they hardly ever see each other. Not with Magnus and Jonas living in other cities. They have just drifted apart and it makes Isak feel sad. They still talk in the group chat regularly and when Jonas was home for a week during autumn, Magnus had managed to come to Oslo and they had spent a weekend together.  He had seen both Mahdi and Magnus over Christmas as well but now that uni has started again they all have their own busy lives.

When he wakes up in the morning it’s to a tight knot in his stomach and even though he has only slept for five hours he feels restless and anxious. His lecture is in a few hours which means that he could try to get some more sleep but he can’t relax, no matter how hard he tries. The not in his stomach and the uneasiness in his chest makes it impossible to fall back asleep so he gives up. He takes a long shower in the hopes that the uneasiness will disappear but when he steps out of the shower ten minutes later he feels the same.

It’s just the beginning of term, he’s not supposed to feel this way already. If he feels like this now, how will he feel when it gets even tougher and he has exams to study for?

Breakfast won’t happen and the sheer thought of eating something makes him gag and when he gets dressed to leave for the tram the scarf around his neck makes him feel like he’s going to choke. He tugs at it desperately and ends up untying it, leaving it hanging around his shoulders despite the chilly air and unforgiving wind. Hopefully he’ll be able to tie it when he reaches the tram stop and hopefully he’ll be able to eat something during the lecture break.

The tram is packed with people but Isak doesn’t mind standing. He puts his earphones in and puts his Spotify list on shuffle. The music allows him to escape for a few minutes and he can almost pretend that he is somewhere else.

He arrives at uni half an hour before his lecture which leaves him plenty of time to by a coffee and a cheese sandwich from the way too expensive cafeteria.  The lecture hall is completely empty but the door is open so he sneaks inside and finds himself a seat high up in the middle of the room. He drinks his coffee and enjoys the silence.

The weekend had been busy with work and on Sunday he had had a double shift stretching from 10 am to 10 pm and after he had gotten home he had been completely exhausted. Since Isak didn’t have any lectures on Monday and the restaurant was closed he had allowed himself to sleep in and then spent the whole day at the library, trying to go through his lecture notes from last week and get some reading down.

Isak looks up at the sound of the door opening and a group of students walk in. Isak greets them with a silent nod and they take their seat further down in the lecture hall. Isak checks his phone. It’s about ten minutes left before the lecture starts and the other students are starting to fill the room.  A few minutes later he spots Nils and Alfred walking in and he gives them a small wave. The three of them met at the beginning of the first year and has kind of stuck together since then. They are both cool and easy going, like to party a little more than Isak does but they are always friendly and always invite Isak to go out with them or join them at parties. If Isak isn’t working, which he does a lot of the time, he usually comes with them to whatever party they are going to.

He also spots Sana walking in and he waves at her too. She gives him a small nod of recognition before taking a seat next to two girls Isak doesn’t know the name of. He should text her and she how she is doing. Maybe she would be up for a study session during the week. He makes a mental note of texting her after the lecture.

“Hello, Isak” Nils says as he plops down on the seat next to Isak. “What’s up?”

“Hi!” Isak says. “Hi, Alfred,” he continues as Alfred sits down next to Nils. “How was your weekend?”

“Great,” Nils exclaims. “We went out on Friday night along with a few others from our class and a few older students…”

Nils starts rabbling names but Isak has a hard time keeping attention, he doesn’t even know these people anyway.

“Alfred got super drunk and hooked up with an exchange student from Germany. They went home together.” Nils continues and gives Alfred a smirk before turning back to Isak.

“You should have joined us. It sucked that you had to work, man.”

“Yeah…” Isak mumbles.

“We are actually planning on having a party in our corridor this weekend. With like everyone and probably lots of other floors too. You should come. It’s going to be crazy.” Alfred says.

“Yeah…maybe,” Isak starts. “Unless my boss is making me work I’ll think about it.”

“Dude, what kind of a douchebag boss do you have? You work all the time. Can’t he give you a weekend off?”

Isak sighs. It’s way easier to have them think that his boss is making him work during weekends than admit that he simply can’t afford to go out every weekend like they do and not work. They wouldn’t understand so Isak has made up a lie that it’s his boss that makes him work instead of admitting the truth: that he has no family that supports him, no warm family dinners or Christmas holidays, no cabins to go to for a skiing holiday and no extra money to spend on stuff like that. He may be able to go out a few times a month but with the new term he has already had to buy several new books and because he was too late he couldn’t buy them second hand either which means that his new books cost him more than half his budget for the month. Unless he wants to live on oatmeal and noodles he’ll have to save his money. So he has made up a lie that his boss is horrible and makes him work which makes him feel guilty because Reine is the opposite of a horrible boss, always making sure that Isak takes care of himself and always warns him of stressing too much.

“I’ll talk to him,” Isak says. “I’ll let you guys know.”

“If you come I’ll buy you a shot,” Nils says. “Don’t remember the last time I saw you drunk. It needs to happen soon.”

“Yeah, you never join us anymore, you used to go out with us every week in our first year,” Alfred adds and Isak bites the inside of his cheek

In moments like this he really misses having Jonas to talk to because even if Nils and Alfred are nice and cool to hang out with neither of them can give him the comfort that Jonas can. They don’t know him or his background like Jonas does. They don’t know about Isak’s insomnia or his anxiety that sometimes flares up. They don’t know that he is a lot more messed up than he lets on and he is adamant about keeping it that way

 “I’ll try my best,” he says in a strained voice, giving them a forced smile.

They both nod and seem happy enough with his answer.

It’s another testimony on how they don’t know each other at all. Jonas, or even Magnus and Mahdi would never settle with that answer. In moments like this, Isak feels like the loneliest person in the world.

Luckily their teacher arrives at that moment and lecture starts which means that Isak has to focus on something else than the loneliness in his chest.

 Their current course is on Clinical Anatomy and Movement Science and while it’s fascinating is so much more complicated than in high school and despite having read the requested chapters beforehand Isak has no idea what the teacher is talking about.  He tries his best to focus on the power point and take notes but its near impossible to keep attention on the slides and the lecturers monotone voice. Maybe it’s because he’s tired, maybe because there is so many other things on his mind currently. Either way he will be screwed unless Alfred and Nils can help him which he doubts. It’s usually him helping them out. Maybe he should text Sana. He could use her help and it would be an excuse to hang out with her again because he is actually missing her and how they used to be so close, or at least closer.  Lately they have just drifted apart. Just like Isak has with all his friends.

By the time he gets home in the afternoon he is exhausted and by the time he has eaten and finished doing the mountain of dishes from the weekend he collapses onto the small couch with his laptop on his lap with the intention to watch a few episodes of Suits.  Two hours later he struggles to fall asleep again.

It doesn’t get better from there. On Wednesday, he wakes up with the same knot to his stomach and he wishes he could just stay in bed the whole day with his duvet wrapped around his body but he has lectures from eight am to four pm and afterwards he stays in the library trying to get some sense from his notes. The lecturer wasn’t lying when he told his students that this course was going to be tough and that he expected them to work hard and keep up with their reading. So far Isak has done a so, so job but to be fair the whole class seems to be struggling.

He almost looks forward to go to work on Tuesday after his lecture because it will give him something else to focus on besides stupid anatomy which is not all that exciting when it’s all you think about during the days. He takes the tram directly from uni and takes a seat in the back of the cabin. He allows himself to doze off since he has taken this particular ride countless of times before and he knows by heart when to wake up in order get off at the right stop.

His shift has barely started when a very familiar face turns up at the bar. With the busy week Isak has had he has barely had time to think about it but now that he sees the man again the memories from the weekend comes back to him.

He had been very surprised to see the man back again so soon with the same friend, Isak didn’t remember his name, because while the restaurant had its regulars people rarely came twice over the course of a weekend. Apparently the man hadn’t been kidding about coming back and Isak had of course been assigned his table.  He had forced away the stupid nerves and butterflies as he made his way over to their table, eager to not make a fool out of himself again. Isak had felt less flustered, less nervous as he made conversation with the man. He had offered his recommendations with a cheeky smile which the man had returned. They had continued to joke with each other and he had been so caught up with their conversation that he had almost forgotten the other man at the table. There was just something about this man that made Isak want to know him. And he finally knows the man’s name.

 “I’m Even by the way” the man had said as Isak gave them their bill and waited for the man to pay.

“Oh, I’m Isak,” Isak had managed to answer without too much stutter.

“Nice to meet you, Isak. I’ll definitely come back.”

The man had given Isak one, long and intense look matched with a wide smile before him and his friend had left.

He had also left another huge tip which Sasha and Marcus had been ecstatic about when Isak showed them.

Isak is brought back to reality as the man, or Even, clears his throat.

 “Hi again,” he says cheerfully.

“Uh, hi,” Isak stutters.

He had almost forgotten just how beautiful the man, Even, is and he knows he must look like a mess himself.

He clears his throat.

“No friend today?” he asks as he tries to locate the friend in the restaurant but can’t see him anywhere.

Even smiles.

“No, he’s finally made up with his girlfriend so…you know”

 “Oh…” Isak starts, unsure on what else to say. “That’s good, I guess.”

“Yeah,” Even says, leaning slightly over the counter. “It’s really good…”

“So what can I give you today?” Isak asks.

“Do you have anything non-alcoholic? I’m meeting someone in an hour and I just thought I’d pop in while I wait.”

Isak can’t help but wonder who that someone is. Even seems to be a person with lots of friends. Friendly and outgoing, a person people like spending time with.

“We have non-alcoholic beer and cider and some whine, I think” Isak says and Even nods then his mouth turns into a playful smirk.

“What would you recommend?”

Isak rolls his eyes. This guy might just be the most over the top person he has ever met. But he secretly likes it.

“I would definitely recommend the beer,” he says.

“I’ll have a non-alcoholic beer then, and some chilinuts.” Even replies.

“You can never go wrong with those,” Isak says and open the bottle before giving it to Even. “Always chilinuts.”

Even stays in the bar while he drinks his beer. Isak continues to work, running back and forth between the kitchen and the bar since that’s his responsibility for the night. He helps Markus and Liv with a few tables but other than that he stays in the bar. In the meantime, Even just sits there in silence, and Isak sometimes catches the other man watching him. When their eyes meet, Even smiles carefully and Isak can feel himself blush slightly before he turns his attention to his next customer. Isak suspects it’s been well over an hour when Even’s phone suddenly rings. It vibrates as it lays on the counter and since it’s no one else around at the moment Isak can’t help but turn his attention towards the sound.

Even’s smile lights up as he picks up the phone and Isak turns around as to not invade his privacy by staring at him. He turns his attention to the ice machine and refills the tray of ice all while trying not to listen in on Even’s phone call. It’s hard though because Even is sitting just next to him.

“Hi…yeah…okay…I’ll see you at home then…I’ll be home in half an hour…no…because…no…fine…I’ll buy the ice cream…okay...I love you…bye.”

The phone call ends and Isak straightens his back just a little too fast. He turns around facing Even again and pretends like he hasn’t just eavesdropped on the entire conversation. Even looks up from his screen after a few seconds and notices Isak looking at him.

“I need to go,” he says with a small smile as stands up from the chair and pockets his phone. “Thanks for the recommendation, you are great with those.”

Isak forces himself to smile.

“Well, I’m the master of recommendations,” he jokes.

Even smiles.

“See you, Isak” he says.

Isak is left standing alone at the bar. Up until now he has been so certain that Even was flirting with him, that they have been flirting with each other this whole time. It has made him feel excited and good about himself. Now it seems like Even has a partner back home waiting for him and Isak is left wondering if it was all in his head or if has been so long since someone showed any real interest in him that he can’t even tell the difference between flirtiness and friendliness. He used to be an expert but now he is just rusty or completely unable to tell the difference. Either way he feels confused. And disappointed.

With that he turns to his next customer, smiles and gives the woman her glass of wine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? Did you like it? Let me know :) 
> 
> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Take care.


	4. You are here again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So I won't be able to update this frequently after this but I managed to get chapter 4 ready and I wanted to update for you :) I think that I'll update once or twice a week from now one but I'm also aware that it might not happen. Sometimes I'll probably struggle with time. 
> 
> As always A HUGE thank you to all of you amazing people who read, comments and leaves kudos :D It means the world. 
> 
> Antoher Even chapter. I struggled a bit with this one so I hope you don't find it boring or repetitive. I'm trying to build up toeards the pain plot but I didn't write the beginning clear enough in my synopsis so now I'm in trouble for being lazy ;) 
> 
> I realise that this will probably be a long story and it will take some building up to reach the main plot. I hope you are all patient and doesn't mind it being a bit slow paced at the moment. I'll try to speed it up with the next two chapters. 
> 
> I update my verson of microsoft word recently and since then it has been a pain in the ass. It keeps making the most stupid grammar corrections suggestions because the language is "redundant". If I made made all the corrections this would probably the most formal fic you'd ever read. Haha, it drives me mad trying to write but it also a bit funny. But if you DO find it redundant I'll try to make those changes ;) because I'm nice like that.

“Even, could you come here for a second?”

Even looks up from his computer screen. It’s his boss standing in the doorway to the office he shares with three of his co-workers.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Even mumbles and slowly stands up.

She gives him tight lip smiled and nods.

“Is everything okay?” he asks as the two of them walks the short distance to her own private office.”

She sits down behind her desk and gestures for him to take a seat.

“Yes, nothing to worry about,” she replies as he sits down in the arm chair.  “We’ve gotten a new request from a company that needs our help with their marketing strategy. They want to reach out in different ways and on different medias. That would mean social media, web pages and things like that but probably graphic design as well for different things. We have people her that are very good with social media strategies and so one and we have graphic designers but you’ve been working here for a while now and you always do a great job when it comes to meetings with clients, and coming up with creative ways for companies to branch out to their target groups.”

She pauses and looks at him expectedly.

“Okay?” he says, not quite sure where this is going.

“Would you want to oversee this project. You wouldn’t be alone of course. But you’d be coordinating and be responsible for the creative process and in the meetings with the client.”

She gives him a more warm and genuine smile. 

“Is that something you are interested in doing? I’ll run it over with everyone at this afternoons meeting but I wanted to tell you first. If you are interested?”

As a fresh graduate, Even would have jumped at an opportunity like this. Even from two years ago would probably feel ecstatic. Right now, Even feels flattered at most. He feels flattered because his boss clearly puts her faith in him and thinks that he is doing a great job but recently he has been so uninspired and unmotivated. Therefore, it’s kind of ironic to hear her talk about how he is creative when he feels the complete opposite. He can’t let her down though. She counts on him.

“Thank you, that’s a great honour and I would really love to,” he ends up saying.

“That’s great, Even,” she says. “It’s good to know that I can count on you,”

“Of course, Isabell,” he smiles. “Would you mind tell me more about this company?”

He leaves her office half an hour later. Basically, Isabell wants him to be the project leader of a new branching campaign for a company that sells watches. Watches that are not super expensive, fashionable but smart as well as unisex as to attract a huge target group of customers. He doesn’t feel as excited about as he should but figures he could celebrate at least a bit. He texts Ellie asking her if she wants take out for dinner.  

She replies almost instantly.

**YES!!! why do you even ask?**

**Not pizza though!**

He smiles into the screen.

**Okay, I’ll see what I can find.**

Normally the would go for pizza. There is a pizza place close to their apartment that makes best Italian pizzas Even has ever had. If doesn’t count the ones he has actually had in Italia. Recently they’ve had a lot of pizzas and have promised each other that they would try new things. Before he leaves his office, he searches for places that offers take out on his phone. Something that isn’t sushi or pizza or thai food.

At first he finds nothing of interest. The restaurants are either too far away or a bit too expensive for his liking. After all he has been eating out a lot of times recently, more than he should. Even if he can technically afford it he and Ellie likes to save that money for other things. They’ll treat themselves a few times a month but most often they’ll cook together or for each other. Even can’t say it hasn’t been worth it though. He could probably go there every day if it meant a chance to see Isak and have a small chat with him. He’s obsession is starting to become slightly ridiculous and he will soon have to come up with excuses for why he going to the same restaurant. Maybe this could be an excuse though? They are trying out new things and there are still things on the menu he hasn’t tried. And Ellie doesn’t know. Chances are Isak is not even working tonight. But if he’s not then what’s the point?  He tells himself that this is the last time before he makes up his mind.

One his way to the restaurant he decides to pick up some groceries from the small shop around the corner from the office. If he’s lucky he’ll be able to convince Ellie to make her chocolate fondants with sea salt.

It’s almost half past five when he walks into the restaurant and only a few tables are occupied. On the other hand it’s Tuesday and most people probably eat at home on a normal weeknight. Well Even normally do too, but this is a special occasion, right? Him and Ellie are celebrating? So him coming to this particular restaurant for the 5th time or so in just two weeks is not creepy?  If he is lucky no one will recognize him. Well no one excepts for…

“You are here again,”

He has barely made it to the counter before he is stopped in his tracks. It’s definitely Isak standing in front of him. He’s wearing is usual black pants and white shirt with a black apron tide around his narrow waist. He looks slightly tired and his typical smile his lacking from his face.

 “I am,” Even says uncertainly.

Something seems just a bit off with Isak for some reason.

Isak only nods.

“I’m actually wonder if you do take out? I kind of feel like staying home, but I also don’t feel like cooking,” Even continues awkwardly.

Isak gives him a small smile. It feels more out of politeness than anything else. Perhaps a bit strained.

“We do offer take out,” Isak says. “You can basically order anything from the menu.”

Even follows Isak the rest of the way to the counter and Isak hands him a menu, then disappears. Even can’t help but feel a bit disappointed. He had hoped he would get to talk to Isak if only for a few minutes. He slowly makes his way through the menu, trying to make the time pass in the hopes that Isak will come back. He texts Ellie again asking what she wants.

By the time she has replied Isak is back behind the till again and Even wastes no time in getting his attention by clearing his throat a little too loudly.

“Are you ready to order?” Isak asks.

Even nods, giving Isak a small wink.

“I had some trouble deciding though. Since I didn’t have your recommendation.”

When Isak rolls his eyes dramatically Even’s face lights up in a huge grin.

“I’m the master of recommend things after all,” Isak mumbles and looks down at the counter, a tiny smile on his beautiful lips.

“So you said,” Even says tilting his head slightly until Isak looks up.

“So what do you want?”

“Huh?” Even asks.

“What do you want to order?” Isak smiles.

“Oh,” Even starts, “I’ll have one salmon and…” he stops while he looks into the phone to remember what Ellie had said she wanted “Chicken with roasted veggies.”

Isak nods and touches the computer in front of him, his eyes fully focused on the screen.

“Anything else?”  he asks without looking up.

“No,” Even says.

“Okay,” Isak replies. “Do you want to pay now or when the food is ready?”

“Now if that’s okay?” Even asks and Isak replies with another nod.

When Even refuses to accept the change Isak gives him a flabbergasted look.

“It’s too much,” he says stubbornly.

Even shakes his head firmly and when Isak tries to put the change into his hand again he puts it back into Isak’s hand. Isak’s skin feels soft.

“Even, no one leaves a tip like this,” Isak protests. “It’s…too much.”

“What if I want to? What if this is my favourite restaurant…” Even starts.

Isak rolls his eyes again and it is the most endearing thing Even has seen in his life.

“…what if you are my favourite waiter?” Even finishes, watching Isak the whole time.

Isak looks down and blushes, a shy smile on his face.

“You are ridiculous,” he murmurs. 

Even smiles.

“You wound me, Isak. Are you even supposed to talk to a guest like that?” he jokes.

Isak finally puts the money back into the till.

“Thank you,” he says in a sincere voice. “It’s actually really nice. It gives us a little extra money after a shift.”

Even nods in recognition. He himself used to work at a small café when he was younger. Before he started uni and even though tips weren’t as common it usually gave him some extra money to spend on Ellie. Now that Isak seems a bit more relaxed than before Event takes his chance to talk to him some more before his food is ready.

“Is this your only job?” he asks carefully. “I mean are you at the university or something?”

Isak casts a quick glance over the room before turning his attention back to even.

“I’m a med student, actually” he replies. “Second year.”

“Wow,” Even says. “You must be really smart then,”

“Haha, it doesn’t feel like it,” Isak smiles. “I don’t think anyone in my class has an idea what the teacher is talking about.”

“So what is he talking about?” Even asks fondly.

Isak raises an eye brow and laughs.

“I’ve no idea, something about anatomy and movement science…”

“That sounds boring,” Even comments.

“It’s kind of fascinating but it’s really difficult.” Isak says.

“I’m sure you are one of those annoying students that keeps telling everyone how they are failing when they are getting top grades all the time.” Even says and gives Isak a huge grin.

Isak blushes ever so slightly.

“I might get good grades sometimes…” he mumbles. “But I study really hard for them. Lots of long nights after work and stuff I guess…”

His voice dies down and he looks at the floor.

“Your parents must be really proud though,” Even tries.

The younger boys suddenly looks sad and it makes Even’s heart thug painfully. The silence between them feels deafening and Isak’s body looks tense and rigid and Even watches him bite his lip.

 “Yeah…” Isak says eventually voice quivering slightly. Then he swallows and clears his throat. “Anyway what are you doing? When you are not here?”

Even smiles gingerly. It’s clear that parents are not something Isak wants to continue to talk about and Even is happy to change the subject if it means Isak looking less sad.

“I work at a PR-agency,” he starts, watching Isak’s reaction carefully.

Isak nods slowly, he too looks relieved with the change of subject so Even continues.

 “So we help companies with a lot of different things when it comes to marketing and things like that…”

“And you think anatomy sounds boring?” Isak jokes.

Even laughs relieved that the mood has changed back to light and playful.

“Do you like it?” Isak continues curiously.

Even shrugs.

“My boss actually asked be to be manage one of our new projects with a new brand. It feels really nice to know she is counting on me you know”

He has no idea why he says it, because he hasn’t told anyone yet. Not even Ellie or Mikael or his parents.

“Congratulations,” Isak smiles. “That must be cool.”

“Yeah,” Even says. “I thought I’d celebrate with some food.”

Isak nods.

“I’ll go see if your food is ready!” he says.

He watches Isak’s back as he walks into the kitchen. While he waits for Isak to return he picks up his phone. Ellie has texted him

He opens the text only to find a close-up of her face, complete with a double chin.

**WHERE IS MY FOOD?!**

**Hahahaha. I don’t know who that is but**

**I’ll be home in twenty minutes**

 

It doesn’t even take 10 seconds before she has replied. This time with an even more zoomed in version of the same picture.

**No worries**

He’s about to reply when he notices Isak reappear in the corner of his eyes so he ends up putting his phone back into his pocket.

“Here’s your food,” Isak says and holds up a take away bag.

He puts it onto the counter.

“Thank you,” Even says as he grabs the handles and takes a quick glance into the bag. “It looks great,”

“I hope you enjoy,” Isak says. “Have a nice evening,”

“You too, Isak”

He walks home deep in thought. Meeting Isak had easily been the highlight of his day but he couldn’t help but notice that Isak had been acting strange. It had taken him all his charming skills to just make Isak smile and the other boy seemed to have shifted from cold to hot and then back again. Even wonders if it’s something he did or if Isak is just having a bad day.

15 minutes later Ellie greets him at the door. The living room table is already set and she has lit a couple of candles.

“Thank fucking god,” she says and rips the take away bag form his hand. “I’m starving”

“I’m just going to put on something more comfortable,” Even says as he hangs his coat next to Ellies. “You can start if you want.”

By the time he comes back into the living room she has already started on her food so he sits down next to her and open’s his own container of food. It smells delicious and the salmon looks perfectly cooked.

“How was your day?” he asks and takes a bite of his food.

“Okay,” she says. “You?”

“It was good actually, my boss asked me the be the project leader of a new project so that’s nice.”

She nods.

“That’s great dad,” she says, smiling happily. “I’m proud of you.”

Even returns her smile.

“I was hoping you could bake some chocolate fondants for desserts,” he says and gives her a hopeful look.

She looks pretty unconvinced at first.  

“Please?” he begs.  “For me?”

“Okay,” she sighs. “I’ll guess we’ll have to celebrate.”

They continue to eat, mostly in silence. The TV is on in the background but neither of them are paying much attention.  It’s Ellie who breaks the silence again.   


“Where did you order this?” she asks.

Even looks up.

“Is it not good?” he asks.

“It’s good, it’s just not what you usually order,” she says. “But this is nice though.”

“It’s from a restaurant not that far from here. Mikael and I went there last week, and I just thought that we’ve be saying we should try new things,” Even says.

He is certainly not going to tell her that he has been there several times over the course of two weeks. And he is most definitely going to tell her the reason behind his frequent visits. It just feels a bit embarrassing. Isak is so young, still in uni and probably no more than 20, possibly even younger. Even Mikael had found Even’s flirting weird and creepy. Besides it’s not like there is anything going on between them, apart from flirting.

Even is not sure how Ellie would react if he started seeing someone. It’s never been a priority in his life and even if he has been going out more in recent years as Ellie has been getting older and more independent, there has been no long-term relationships. He has dated a few people since then but they have never gotten serious. Even wonders how Ellie would react if he ever got serious with someone.

Ellie is not only his daughter but also his best friend and he knows that she needs him more than she likes to admit. Sonja leaving them had not been easy and even though Ellie had been very young, she had still taken the abandonment hard.

Even knows that Ellie has grown up feeling resentment towards her mother and even though Even tries to be everything he can for Ellie, he knows he can never be the mother Ellie needs. Therefore, he has spent his whole life making sure she is happy and he will do just that until the day he dies.

He sits in the couch and watches Ellie rumble around in the kitchen as she bakes her fondants. She is completely focused on her task ahead, not even noticing him looking at her. She hums under her breath as she measures up all the ingredients.

His phone buzzes, making the whole coffee table vibrate. Even jumps slightly in surprise and reaches to grab it. It’s a text from his dad.

**Hi, Even. How are you?**

**Hi, dad! I’m good.**

**How are you and mom?**

**We are both good. How is Ellie?**

**She’s good. She’s baking your favourites.**

**Those gooey chocolate things?**

**Haha yeah, those.**

**My boss asked by to oversee a new project at work**

**So we are celeberating**

**Congratulations, son! We are both so**

**Proud and happy for you.**

**We always are.**

**Thanks dad.**

**How about we celebrate some more**

**On Saturday? Mom and I really miss you and Ellie**

**How about you come over for dinner?**

**That sounds great. I’ll just check with Ellie.**

**Otherwise I’d love to come**

“Ellie, would you like to go for dinner at grandmas and grandpas? On Saturday?” he asks.

 

Ellie looks up.

 

“Yeah, okay,” she says, distractedly.

**We’ll be there!**

**Okay. See you then.**

**Mom says hello!**

Even puts the phone back on the table and sinks back into the couch contently.

He has all he can ask for. A beautiful, smart and kind daughter. Amazing friends that always supports him and brings a smile to his face. He has incredible parents that have been there for him through everything.

Sonja had gotten pregnant at only 16 and Even had struggled with coming to terms with it. But with the support from his parents they had decided to do it together, bringing up a child. Then Even had been diagnosed with bipolar while Sonja was still pregnant and Ellie’s first months had been turbulent to say the least. They had made it work though and Ellie made Even want to do anything to manage his condition. He took his medication, stayed away from weed and alcohol, he wasn’t going to smoke with a baby daughter anyway. It hadn’t been easy though, despite doing all he could he would still have his manic episode with the following depression. It was inevitable. Before Sonja left she had been a major support for him as well as his parents but Sonja hadn’t had it easy and a few years later she had given up, left, like Even and Ellie didn’t mean anything.

To this day, Even can’t understand how someone could abandon their child. Ellie is the best that has ever happened to him and without her, he wouldn’t be able to live.

His parents had continued to support him after Sonja had left. They helped with Ellie everyday so that Even could go to university. When Even was manic or depressed they would take care of her, and him without complaining even if it meant long nights comforting a girl who wanted her dad, or Even lashing out at them with harsh words. They had been through the same hell he had and they had endlessly and tirelessly continued to do so throughout the years. Even doesn’t think he will be able to repay them ever.

Now that Ellie is older it is easier. She can tell the signs of Even’s episode, take care of him and herself with the support of Even’s friends and parents and all in all they have managed all right during the last few years. Even’ hasn’t had an episode in over a year and he has found tools that works for him. Hopefully he won’t have another for a while.

He and Ellie live together in a nice apartment. Even has a good job, where he is appreciated by his boss and co-workers. It’s just that it feels like there is something missing sometimes. That despite having all things that should make him the happiest person in the world he feels like he’s missing the spark he used to have. He’s work is not bringing him the joy it used to, he feels like he is stuck in the same routines every single day. Sometimes he feels lonely. Despite everything he as.

There is something with Isak that has lit a fire inside Even. Just thinking about it makes Even feel excited. Isak is funny, sweet and smart but also cheeky and shy. Talking to him does something to Even and he can’t help but wanting to know Isak better. He wants to make Isak laugh and make that face lit up in a smile. When Even had mentioned Isak’s parents there had been something so sad about Isak’s expression and Even never wants to see Isak look sad like that again.

It’s hard though because Isak is so much younger than him, more like Ellie’s age and he’s probably not interested in a guy like Even that has a teen-age daughter. Isak is barely out of his teenage years himself and his life should be filled more exciting things than Even can offer. He should stop thinking about Isak, should find another restaurant to go to and forget about the younger boy before he is in too deep because the universe is against him and the likeliness of Isak being interested in him is slim to none. Even wishes it was that simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is :) Please let me know what you thought in the comments. It would mean a lot! Isak is still a bit hesitent because he's unsure of Even's intentions whereas Even has all the intention in the world to keep flirting ;) 
> 
> I really wanted to get an insight to Even's life here. That even if he has so many things in his life he feels that there is something missing and that he wants something to change in his life. At the same time he feels like he has to keep everyone around him happy.


	5. You think you can get my number?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly thought I would be able to update sooner but I didn't have time to write until saturday. This chapter is slightly longer though :) 
> 
> Thank you so much for your incredible response to last chapter :) it makes me so happy. 
> 
> I've already manged to screw up my own timeline when I set the beginning of this fic. I have planned lots of evens that would make more sense if they happened at another time of the year. Now I feel conflicted because I don't want to rewrite the whole fic because of that mistake so I'm going to have to work around it. Ooops :)
> 
> This chapter has now been beta'ed by Steffeline who kindly offered to beta this story so we are giving it a try. She's already spotted a few terrible mistakes ;)

His mother keeps calling him. His phone is on mute, but the calls keeps coming and he watches the screen instead of focusing on the lecturer in front of him. It’s her new thing, calling. It’s barely 8am and she has already called him countless of times. She had started calling him during the night and he had woken up right after falling asleep to the sound of his phone, because he had forgotten to put it on mute. He hadn’t answered, just muted the phone and put it upside down next to him. He had squeezed his eyes shut and tried to fall back asleep, pretending that the phone didn’t keep lighting up with new calls. In the morning he woke up to at least ten voice messages and more than the double of missed calls. It is always the same, texts and calls at any hour of day, shifting from bible verses to incoherent ramblings. He doesn’t always read the texts but he always listens to the voice messages she leaves. That way he knows she’s alive. Maybe it’s also some kind of punishment for walking away. For leaving. For being a coward. For being the worst kind of son.

Most of the times the voice messages will just be her rambling about god or Donald Trump or how aliens are going to take over the world. She will call him to tell him that there are rats everywhere or that there is a crocodile in the living room. He can handle those calls. He can listen to her telling him that the neighbours are spying on her or that she has a chip in her wrist or that the creators of star wars want to spread evil, because he knows it’s the symptoms of her illness. However awful it must be for her to imagine those things, he had gotten used to hearing about them through the years he had spent trying to take care of her.

He had tried different strategies in dealing with her hallucinations and delusions. He had tried to tell her it wasn’t real, but that only made her angry with him for not taking her seriously. He had tried to play along but in the end that hadn’t worked either, it only made her far more agitated and upset. Especially when she kept thinking Lea and Terje were going to come back for her and refused to go to sleep because she was waiting for them to come home. It only made her sadder when they never came and she would be angry with Isak for lying to her. So in the end he had settled for trying to distract her until that didn’t seem to work either.

He can’t handle when she leaves messages telling him he is just like his dad, that he has betrayed her and she doesn’t trust him anymore. No matter how many times he hears her say it, he will never get used to it or be able to shake it off.  It’s the truth. A lot of times she will call him back after, telling him she is sorry with so much guilt in her voice and she will tell him that she loves him. Even then, it’s hard because then it becomes more real, that he, Isak Valtersen, left his sick mother and never looked back.

He takes one quick look at the screen before forcefully putting the phone in his bag. He takes a deep breath, ignoring the questioning looks Nils sends him and turns his attention towards the lecture again. It’s another Monday.

After his weekend he looks forward to going back to school and he looks forward to a day full of lectures. He had spent almost his whole weekend studying before Nils and Alfred had managed to drag him out for a couple of beers on Saturday. He had gladly accepted because he couldn’t stand being alone in his quiet apartment with all his thoughts and when he didn’t have work he would happily take anything else as a distraction.

Nils and Alfred talk about the weekend during lunch but Isak finds himself zoning out for a major part of their conversation. His phone still lies at the bottom of his bag, and he doesn’t dare to check it just yet. He will have to wait until he gets home for the day so that he can listen to the voicemails alone. In case they are bad.

He takes small bites from his sandwich while half listening to them going off about a bartender they had seen at the bar they had gone to. Normally Isak would probably be able to focus on their conversation but lately he just feels too tired and distracted by everything else in his life.

He gets home late in the afternoon after his last lecture of the day. It seems like all the time he spent reading during the weekend has finally paid off, because he finally has a clue about what they are studying.

He dumps his bag on the floor in front of the couch and slumps down on it gratefully. He finally brings out his phone for the first time in ages. He has seven voicemails from his mother which is honestly not that bad at all. Hopefully she’s been able to calm down. Hopefully the people who take care of her will notify him if things go too bad. It’s been a year and a half since he left and almost a year since she got the help she needed. 

He lies back on the couch and presses his phone to his ear. He closes his eyes as he listens to his mother’s familiar voice. She sounds calm enough and she is not screaming into the phone that he has betrayed her either so he counts it as a blessing and hangs up with a relieved sigh. As he watches the screen a message from Jonas pops up.

**Hey, man! Wanna skype?**

He wastes no time in answering.

**Hey! Yeah, sure!**

**I’m just going to find**

**Headphones. I’ll call you.**

While he waits for Jonas, Isak opens his laptop and logs in on skype.

“Hi!” Jonas says a few minutes later as Isak accepts the call.

“Hi!” Isak says. “How are you?”

“I’m good, I just woke up,” Jonas says. “I have the morning off, so I think I’m going to go to the skatepark with a few friends. How are you?”

Isak nods.

“I just got home from uni. I had lectures from 8 am until just now.”

“That sucks,” Jonas says.

Isak laughs.

“Yeah, I hate morning lectures…” Isak yawns.

Jonas frowns and he immediately looks worried.

“You tired?” he asks.

Isak shrugs. He knows it’s no use lying to Jonas and because he has dismissed it the last few times Jonas has asked, he knows his best friend won’t let it happen again.

“I’ve just had some trouble sleeping again,” he says honestly and Jonas gestures for him to continue.

“It’s just stressful with work and uni and everything. I feel like I’m behind all the time.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t work as much…” Jonas suggests carefully, giving Isak an attentive look. “You look exhausted every time I talk to you.”

Isak sighs and rubs his face tiredly.

“It’s not that easy,” he answers. “You know I can’t pay my rent without my job. I need to work.”

“I know that, Isak. I’m just worried about you. I feel like I can’t do anything for you while I’m here.”

And there it is. Jonas worrying about him while he should have the time of his life in California. This is why he doesn’t like to bother Jonas with all his problems.

“You don’t have to worry…” Isak mutters. “I’m okay.”

“Don’t lie” Jonas says softly. “I know you, Isak.”

Isak swallows thickly.

“It’s just a lot of things. With school, and work, and rent, and new books, and my mom.”

“How is she?”

Isak shakes his head.

“Don’t know,” he mumbles. “I’ve not spoken to her since Christmas. Not directly at least. She keeps calling.”

Jonas nods quietly.

“I’m sure she is okay,” he says after a while but Isak knows he’s only saying it to make Isak feel better about himself.

Isak doesn’t answer. His voice would probably betray him if he did. He feels the lump in his throat grow.

“You need to stop blaming yourself for this,” Jonas continues firmly and looks Isak straight in the eyes through the camera.

“Jonas…” Isak tries to protest because he really doesn’t want to talk about this anymore.

“It’s not your fault,” Jonas says. “You did your best….”

“It’s…I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” Isak mumbles.

He knows what Jonas will say, because he has heard him say it before. Jonas sighs and Isak can tell he is disappointed, but thankfully he drops it. Neither of them says anything for a little while and Jonas mumbles something to someone outside of the camera before turning his attention back to Isak again.

“So how was your weekend?” Isak asks.  

They have talked for almost 15 minutes when Jonas excuses himself and tells Isak he has to leave. When they hang up, Isak is left sitting in front of his computer screen for a little while trying to ignore the lump in his throat. It’s stupid. He should be happy for Jonas because Jonas, if anyone, deserves to be happy even if it feels like he barely has time for Isak. There is always something else coming up in the middle of their conversations and every time it’s Jonas who ends up being the one to end the call.  

He feels a little lost He should probably clean up, he should probably buy groceries and cook a proper meal because he has been rubbish at cooking lately. He’ll end up just eating a sandwich or some cereal because he is either too tired or doesn’t have the time to cook something for himself. He usually eats at work though so it’s not like he is too bad off. He can go grocery shopping tomorrow.

-

He works a lunch shift on Thursday which he usually never does but since Sasha has gone on her holiday he is covering some of her shifts which means working during the day. He misses her during his shift because they always joke around with each other and the restaurant without her is never the same. He likes the others as well, but Sasha is like his sister.

Lunch shifts are always easier, less busy even if there is a rush just around noon. He hasn’t seen Even since he was there little over a week ago but him showing up seems unlikely. Isak still feels confused by the whole situation because Isak had been so sure that Even had a girlfriend, or a boyfriend or whatever but then Even had turned up again with his usual charming, flirty manner, and huge tip. Isak had been a bit cautious at first but it hadn’t taken long before he found himself relaxing in Even’s company.

Then he had ordered for two and smiled stupidly at his phone before leaving with his take-out bag in his hand.

He has only worked once since then and Even didn’t show up during Isak’s four-hour shift on Sunday when he had covered for Jose whose daughter had been ill.

Isak tries not to think about it as he continues to work but unconsciously he keeps hoping that Even will show up. He doesn’t and when Isak leaves a couple of hours later he can’t help but feel disappointed. He knows he needs to get over it because it was probably just in his head, but the attention Even had given him had felt so good and it had been a long time since someone looked or talked to him like that. Isak can’t even remember when it happened before Even. Probably when he was still in high school and so desperately wanted some confirmation but was still too afraid to give anyone a real chance. The ones who tried had soon learned he wasn’t worth the effort. Even Jonas had called him out. Called him too cold hearted because Isak would never let anyone in. Would never open up, even when his friends begged and tried over and over again to make him talk, making him tell them what was wrong. Instead he pushed them away.

He never let anyone know the real him, because he knew if they did they’d end up leaving too. So, he settled for short, meaningless flings. He would hook up with guys at parties, maybe let them take him home. It felt good to feel wanted but as soon as they showed signs of wanting something deeper Isak fled. It spared him the heartbreak, saved him of being left, but it also earned him the title of the cold one. Even among his friends. Isak wants to believe it could be different now and that he could finally open his heart because he is so fucking tired of feeling lonely and he just want to feel like he is important.

Even may not have made him feel like he was important but had showed interest in Isak by asking for Isak’s recommendations in his own playful way. He had also been willing to listen to Isak talk about his life.

He gets home and wishes he could just go to bed because he feels exhausted even after his relatively short day. He can’t though because he has a seminar in the morning which he has to study for and because it’s their first seminar in this course he has no idea what to expect other than the fact that the lecturer, who is also the seminar leader and the examiner of the course, scares him shitless. So, he has to make sure he is well prepared because he can’t afford to fail this course. During his first year he had failed one of his exams early on and he never wants to experience the stress of having to keep up with a new course at the same time as trying to study for the re-exam and work long hours at the restaurant.

He ends up studying for a few hours until his stomach is growling, and he’s reminded that he hasn’t eaten since breakfast. He cooks himself some pasta because he still hasn’t taken the time to go to the store to by groceries. He eats it in front of another episode of Suits, trying to make himself feel tired enough to be able to fall asleep.

His mother has called him a few times during the day and it seems like she has calmed down a bit compared to the beginning of the week. He listens to the final voice mails as he lies in bed, curled up on his side and wrapped up in his duvet. He pretends that he is listening to her telling him a good night story just like she used to do when he was little. This night the bed time story is about the neighbour that is spying on her and about the apocalypse. As Isak lies awake hours later he wonders what she would say if she knew he was gay. Even now, after he has moved out he still hasn’t told her.

-

Isak has no idea why he agreed to go out tonight but just like last week he couldn’t say no when Nils and Alfred asked. A lot of other students from their class are also attending and the small apartment feels hot and crowded. Isak is currently sitting on a hard, uncomfortable chair, drinking his third beer. He’s starting to feel a bit tipsy. The seminar had gone okay. He had been grouped with Sana and a few other students from his class and it seemed that the lecturer had been pleased with all of them. Sana had been a bit more quiet than usual though.

He can’t remember the name of the girl and boy he is currently having a conversation with, but they are apparently friends with the girl who lives in his apartment and they are both nurse students. They talk briefly about internships, and exams and first-time experience with weird patients. They complain to Isak about other med students thinking they are so much better than the nurse students and Isak just smiles and reassures them that he is not one of those students.

Half an hour later he downs a shot with Alfred and Nils but it soon becomes apparent that the both of them have had a bit too much to drink already and the shot is kind of the nail in the coffin for the both of them. By the time it’s time to leave, Nils is emptying his stomach into the toilet and Alfred is running around the apartment like a maniac, annoying everyone and almost falls down the stairs when they are leaving.

As one of the girls tries to convince Nils to go home instead of joining them at the club, Isak tries to convince Alfred of doing the same. It takes some time but finally the both agree to go home. The only problem is that while Nils lives just five minutes away, Alfred lives across town and there is no way they can just let him get home by himself. The girl quickly volunteers to follow Nils home and Isak suspects she has a crush on him. Then all eyes turn to him when it comes to the task of getting Alfred home. They know that he hangs out with them and because none of them are prepared to sacrifice a night partying in favour of taking care of their drunk friend, they expect him to do it. Probably because he is the guy who doesn’t even bother to turn up at most parties and they have deemed him to be a bit boring.

Isak volunteers to take Alfred home because it’s not like he is going to enjoy the party without them anyway and taking care of his friends has sobered him up quite a lot already. He is starting to regret it as the two of them start heading in the direction of the tram because Alfred is still complaining about going home rather than to the party where he is sure that the exchange student he’s been talking to is going to be. Alfred still lives at home with his parents and Isak contemplates just taking him back to his own apartment, but he really doesn’t feel like having to take care of Alfred the whole night. He has been to Alfred’s house once before, so he knows how to get there.                  

Isak clenches his teeth and tightens his grip on Alfred’s jacket as they pass a particularly icy patch on the road. He sits Alfred down at the bench at the tram stop and picks up his phone. It’s not even midnight yet and if he is lucky he can take Alfred home and be back in his bed in an hour which means that the night is not completely ruined. It’s cold though and while Alfred seems completely unfaced by the cold, Isak shivers slightly despite his thick coat and warm hat.

“Why wouldn’t you let me go out with them?” Alfred complains once again.

“Trust me, you’ll be happy in the morning,” Isak mutters.

It’s almost ten minutes until the next tram arrives and somehow Isak knows it will be the longest ten minutes in his life.

“You are no fun,” Alfred complains.

Maybe he can just make sure Alfred gets on the tram and then leave? Alfred would probably fall asleep and forget to get off, but it would definitely save Isak the trouble of having to deal with his drunk friend.

“Isak?”

Isak looks up at the voice calling his name. It’s Even standing in front of him, hands in his pockets and coat zipped up all the way up to his chin. He looks warm and comfortable in his beanie and thick scarf. He’s still just as beautiful as Isak remembered.

“Uh, hi?!” Isak says, unsure what else to say.

Even gives him a small smile.

“How are you?” he asks. “Are you on your way home?”

Isak nods.

“Yeah,” he gestures towards Alfred who is sitting next to him, thankfully quiet. “I guess. I’m trying to take him home actually. You?”

“I’m going home too. I’ve been out with a few friends so...”

They both look at each other.

“I have my car just around the block actually,” Even continues. “I could give you a ride if you want to?”

Isak should really say no, because this is turning awkward fast but as he looks over to the information screen he realises that it still says it will be ten minutes until the tram arrives. He looks over to Alfred who looks on the verge of falling asleep and makes up his mind.

“That would be really helpful actually. If it’s not too much trouble. We can always wait for the tram,” he says. “It’s just another ten minutes.”

Even gives him an unconvinced look and glances in Alfred’s direction.

“It’s no problem at all. I just want to help, really. Besides you must be freezing.”

He has probably noticed Isak’s shivers.

They walk together on either side of Alfred to make sure he doesn’t fall or slip. It only takes a few minutes for them to reach the car and Even helps Isak put Alfred in the back seat.

“I think I have a bag somewhere in here,” Even mumbles as he leans across Isak’s lap to look through the glove compartment. “In case he feels sick or something,” he adds.

Isak turns around in his seat, trying his best to ignore the feeling of Even’s body so close to his. Even tosses the bag in Alfred’s direction and Isak leans back to make sure Alfred takes it in his hands.

“In case you feel sick,” he says when Alfred gives him a questioning look.

“I’m not going to be sick,” Alfred says. “I still don’t understand why you wouldn’t let me go to the party…”

Isak turns around with a deep sigh but he can hear Even chuckle in amusement.

“Where to?” he asks as he carefully manoeuvres the car onto the road.

Isak gives him the address and Even nods.

“I think I know the way,” he says.

They drive in silence. Isak alters between looking out of the car window and admiring the quiet Oslo streets and turning around in his seat to make sure Alfred is still alive. He notices how Even gives him quick glances whenever they stop at a red light. Neither of them say anything until Even pulls up outside of Alfred’s house.

“Thank you so much,” Isak says gratefully as he unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the car door.

Alfred is already on his way out.

“I should probably make sure he gets inside and has some water before he goes to bed or something.” he continues. “I’ll just take the bus or something.”

Even snorts and Isak notices he too has unfastened his seat belt and opened his door.

Once they are inside Isak helps Alfred take of his shoes and jacket. Alfred’s sister greets them in the hallway with an unimpressed look on her face. She looks like she is a few years younger, maybe sixteen or seventeen.

“I can take it from here,” she says and gives Isak and Even a curious look. “I’ll make sure he gets to bed.

Isak nods.

“Just make sure he drinks some water and eats something.” Even offers gently and Alfred’s sister rolls her eyes.

“Trust me this is not the first time this happens. He’s just lucky mom is not home this time. She always freaks out even though he’s old enough to drink.”

The two of them make it back to the car and Isak sits back down in the passenger seat. Even sits down next to him but he doesn’t start the car immediately.

“You don’t have to give me a ride home,” Isak says. “You’ve done enough and I’m sure you want to get home. You can just drop me at the nearest bus stop or something and I’ll take the bus”

“I’ll drive you home,” Even says softly. “I don’t want you to have to sit out in the cold anymore.”

Isak nods. He is still freezing despite having had time to warm up a bit from the car ride before. He tries to not let it show but Even must notice because he starts the car and turns up the heat. Isak thankfully sinks back into the seat and gives Even his address.  

“So,” Even starts as they leave Alfred’s street behind them. “I’ve been trying to come up with another excuse to come to the restaurant without it being too weird, but I don’t know your schedule so what if I turn up and you are not there? Then I’d have to come back the next day and the day after that and then it starts to become a bit embarrassing and you’d give me a nickname and stuff.”

“We already have a nickname for you,” Isak interrupts.

Even gives him a worried look before quickly turning his attention back to the road.

“You do?” he says.

“Yeah you are ‘tip-guy’” Isak smirks. “You are very well-known around all the waiters actually.”

Even is quiet for a few seconds before he realises Isak is joking. He exhales dramatically.

“I’m not gonna lie though, everyone has been very ecstatic about those tips,” Isak says, looking out of the window.

“But that tip was meant only for you,” Even says seriously.

Isak swallows.

“Why?” he braves himself.

Even stops the car at a red light. There is not a single car in sight.

“Because you give amazing recommendations of course,” Even jokes and though Isak smiles back he really wants to know the real reason.

Why him?

“That’s a stupid reason,” Isak says.

“It is?”

Even sounds surprised.

“Yeah…”

The light switches and Even starts driving again.

“That’s not why…” Even says eventually. “You are the most interesting person I’ve met, and you are beautiful and sweet and I can’t stop thinking about you and I want to get to know you.”

“Are you playing me?” Isak asks promptly before he can stop himself.

He prepares himself for Even stopping the car and asking him to leave. Instead Even chuckles.

“Why would you think that?”

Isak feels stupid.

“I just thought…you were… I mean you ordered two meals…and…” he starts but he feels too embarrassed to continue. “Never mind… it’s stupid.”

“I would never play you, Isak” Even says seriously. “Do you think I would go after you if I was in a relationship?”

Isak can only shrug. He feels ashamed of himself.

“I know it’s stupid,” he mumbles.

“It’s not stupid,” Even mumbles. “But I’m not in a relationship, I really thought my flirting would give it away,” he jokes. 

Isak smiles, feeling a lot more relaxed. Even seems honest which makes Isak happy it wasn’t all in his head.

“I really do like you,” Even continues. “I like talking to you and I was hoping that I could have your number after this. So that I don’t have to come to the restaurant whenever I want to talk to you.”

Isak laughs and turns his head towards Even.

“You think you can get my number?” he asks playfully. “Not many people get that opportunity, you know.  And want if I want that tip?”

Even laughs warmly.

“So you want my money?” he asks in a serious voice but Isak can see that he is still smiling.

“Yeah, totally,” Isak lies.

Even stops the car at a stop sign.  Soon they will be at Isak’s apartment. Isak wishes the night didn’t have to end so quickly. The streets outside are empty and quiet. Just like his apartment. He suddenly doesn’t want to leave the car. He looks down at his lap aware that Even is looking at him the whole time. He leans closer and puts a warm hand on Isak’s cheek. Isak swallows nervously as Even’s fingers trail his skin softly.

“You are beautiful, Isak.”

Isak’s heart is hammering in his chest as Even leans closer and his face is only centimetres away. He can feel Even’s breath against his cheek. Isak finally looks up and lets his nose brush against Even’s cheek, lets his hand move up to rest lightly on Even’s neck and without anymore hesitation he lets his lips meet Even’s.

“You are definitely going to have to give me your number now,” Even mumbles breathlessly as they break apart. 

A car pulls up behind them and Even gives Isak one last peck before he starts the car again.

“I don’t want this night to end,” Isak says.

“Let’s just drive around for a little while,” Even mumbles and puts his hand on Isak’s knee.

“Okay,” Isak says and places his hand on top of Even’s.

Even turns on the radio and together they continue driving through the Oslo night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have the time and want to, please let me know what you thought in the comments. 
> 
> Hopefully you liked the progress made. I felt like it was about time they moved on from flirting. I'm also now in a better place where I know how to progress from here. Or I sort of know at least.
> 
> Also I'm no expert when it comes to mental illnes but I do work at a group home for people with mental illness and I use my experience from there. The crocodile have been spotted in the living room. I tried to do research on of it works in Norway but my Norwegian is not good enough so I hve based it on my own experience as well.


	6. One day I’m going to teach you how to drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, there! Here's chapter 6 which picks up where chapter 5 ended. Their midnight car-ride continues and neither of them wants it to end. They talk about paralell universes, driving and everything between. We are also introduced to Even's parents and explore their dynamics. 
> 
> Thank you so much to all of you who have, read, commented and left kudos. It means the world to me. I love hearing your opinions and chat with you :p 
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH Steffeline for your amazing help with this chapter. You are amazing :)
> 
> Ps. I have a lot of issues with Ao3 changing the spaceing between paragraphs when I copy and paste it. Sometimes it makes everything look messed up with too much space. I have no idea why it happens but I''m really sorry about it. I've tried to fix it manually because it looks fine in word but then it changes once it's in AO3. 
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoy :D

They drive around the whole of Oslo, Isak and him. They alter between listening to Isak’s spotify list and Even recommending Isak songs that they then play. It turns out Isak is a big fan of N.W.A but has barely heard of Nas, so Even takes the opportunity to educate Isak on some of the music he used to listen to, or still does to be honest because even if he is 32 doesn’t mean he has stopped. He listens to Isak rap and makes a pathetic attempt to beatbox.

“Get yourself together” Isak demands when Even can only laugh but then he is laughing too.

They talk and talk and talk. About all sorts of things. Isak tells him how he decided to be a doctor at age eleven and how he broke his arm trying to stand on his snow racer in an attempt to impress his best friend when he was eight. He learns that Isak went to Nissen and that his best friend lives in California. He learns that Isak doesn’t have a driver’s license and that the thought of driving scares him.

“It’s just the feeling of not being in control,” Isak mumbles, looking out of the window as they drive on the highway, leaving Oslo behind them.

“But you are in control,” Even protests.

Even loves driving because it makes him feel like he is in control. It was one of those things that made him feel like he was a real adult when he finally got his driver’s license and he has loved driving ever since.

“I don’t believe you,” Isak says. “Like, you can’t control what everyone else is doing. What if there is a drunk driver or someone speeding. You can’t control that.”

“You can’t think like that, though,” Even says quietly. “That would mean you are never really in control of anything.”

“I guess,” Isak says. “It’s just something about driving that scares me.”

Even takes a deep breath.

“Not being in control used to scare me a lot” he confesses quietly, eyes focused on the road ahead of him. “It still scares me sometimes. I used to believe I was the director of my own life and that I got to decide what happened…”

“What happened to make you change your mind?” Isak asks softly.

Even shrugs. A lot of things had made him face the harsh reality that he wasn’t in control of his life. Now he had learnt to accept it and deal with it in the best way possible.

“Things, I guess. I grew up and realised that we can’t control everything but that doesn’t mean we can’t be in control of some things. Driving is one of those things for me.”

Isak is quiet for a little while.

“I believe there are multiple universes. Infinite universes that are all parallel and we exist in all of them. There’s only small changes in each of them. Like in another universe you have a yellow car but everything else is the same. Everything that can happen, happens.”

Isak’s voice is full of excitement as he talks and Even finds it so adorable he lets out a small chuckle.

“Just what did you drink tonight?” he laughs.

Isak gives a short laugh.

“I know it may sound weird and stupid, but sometimes I find it comforting.” Isak says seriously.

“Why?” Even asks carefully, still not looking at Isak.

“I just like the thought that things are different in another universe. That things are better somewhere else and that there is a universe somewhere where I’m a better person and where I deserve something more.”

Even forces himself to swallow harshly against the lump in his throat. More than what? It breaks his heart that this is Isak’s view of himself. He wants to ask Isak what makes him feel this way. Why Isak believes that things are better in another universe, but that he doesn’t deserve it in this. He wants to ask how Isak can think he’s not a good person. He has so many questions and at the same time he wants to reassure Isak that none of the things he believes, are true. He thinks back to the night at the restaurant when he had made a casual comment about Isak’s parents and the mood had changed just like it has tonight. Isak’s face had faltered and his tone had gone sad just like tonight. He wonders if they have something to do with it. He can’t imagine a life where his parents didn’t support him wholeheartedly and it is heartbreaking to even think that Isak’s parents might not support him.

He wishes he could ask, but he knows that he needs to give Isak time, so instead he gives Isak a quick glance and finds his hand again. It fits perfectly in his and he squeezes it comfortingly and strokes his thumb over Isak’s knuckles. Isak looks up with a sad smile.

“Thank you,” he breathes.

Even gives him a reassuring smile.

“One day I’m going to teach you how to drive,” he says.

They stop at a McDonald’s to buy some food before they head back home. Even though it’s almost 3am, Even wishes the night would never end. He feels so carefree in Isak’s company, and it feels like they have always known each other even when he realises he barely knows Isak at all. They talk about favourite foods, while stuffing their faces with chips and chicken nuggets and Even learns that Isak loves sushi and kebab, but that he is a horrible cook.

“Aren’t you a grown up?” Even teases lightly. “You didn’t know Nas and you can’t cook…”

“Shut up, I’m a grown up,” Isak smiles. “Not all grown ups like to cook. And I did know Nas.”

Even can only laugh.

Isak’s phone keeps ringing as they are nearing Oslo again, and Even can’t help noticing as the mood changes significantly with each call even if the younger boy ignores all of them.

“It’s okay if you want to answer,” Even says softly. “I don’t mind.”

“It’s fine,” Isak says “It’s not important.”

It’s a little after 3 am when Even stops his car in front of Isak’s building for the second time that night. This time Isak is less shy when he leans forward and kisses Even goodbye. Even trails the edge of Isak’s beanie, feeling the other boy’s soft curls against the tip of his fingers.

“You are so beautiful,” Even whispers.

He finally gets home half past 3 am, but even if he can’t remember the last time he got home at this hour he doesn’t feel tired when he crawls into bed. Instead, he scrolls through his phone until he finds Isak’s name. Isak had finally given it to him before he got out of the car but after he had let Even bribe him with another kiss.

 

**I just got home.**

**Thank you for tonight.**

Maybe he should write something else, but he honestly has no idea what that would be. He’s rusty to say the least when it comes to dating, because the people he has seen since he got Ellie have been few and far between. He’s just been so focused on her, on making sure he is giving her everything she deserves and up until now that has been all he needed. Now that she is growing up rapidly and he knows it’s only a matter of time until she is ready to explore the world, he’s become scared of being alone. His phone pings and interrupts his spiraling thoughts.

**I should be the one**  
**thanking you :)**

Even finds himself smiling stupidly. Isak answered.

**:)**

 

**:)**

**Good night, Even!**

**Good night!**

Even falls asleep with a smile on his face.

He wakes up when it’s light outside, and as he checks his phone it’s a little after 10 am. He stretches in bed contently as he listens to Ellie making breakfast. Usually, he wakes up before her but today he guesses he needed the sleep and since she had been asleep when he got home she must have woken up before him this time around. He is unwilling to leave his warm and comfy bed, but he knows he should get up. He can hear Ellie making herself a cup of coffee and it’s all the motivation he needs to drag himself out of bed and put on the pair of pyjamas pants that lies on the floor. He steps into his slippers and yawns as he opens the door to their living room and kitchen.

“Good morning,” he mumbles as Ellie turns around.

“Morning,” she says. “I was wondering when you would wake up. When on earth did you get home anyway?”

Even rubs his face in a final attempt to get rid of the tiredness as he slumps down on one of the bar stools.

“Uh, half past three or something,” he says. “I don’t know.”

“I thought you were just going out for a few beers or something?” Ellie asks.

“Yeah but the boys wanted to go out and Mikael has been kind of down lately, so we wanted to cheer him up.” Even lies.

Ellie gives a slight frown.

“What?” Even asks.

Ellie shrugs and pours some yogurt and frozen raspberries into the blender.

“I thought you were too old for that.”

“I’m not old,” Even protests loudly. “I’m in my early thirties.”

“Yeah, but you are hardly 20 anymore,” Ellie jokes.

Even smiles and forces himself to laugh. Even though it’s their usual bickering, it stings more than usual. It feels like a reality check. Last night with Isak had made him forget about the age difference between them but now it feels too evident to ignore.

“Do you want a smoothie too?” Ellie asks and Even looks up.

“Yeah, sure,” Even mumbles.

He looks down at his phone as Ellie prepares another smoothie, and he scrolls through his and Isak’s conversation from last night. He wonders if he can text Isak again without it being creepy. He quickly decides that a simple good morning won’t harm anyone.

**Good morning :)**

**What are you up to today?**

“What are you smiling about?”  Ellie interrupts and Even, who hasn’t even realised that he is smiling, quickly puts down his phone on the table.

“Nothing,” he lies. “Just Mikael being hungover.”

She nods quietly and pours the smoothie into a glass before she pushes the glass across the counter top. He takes it gratefully and takes a small sip.

“You are going to have to make your own coffee, though,” she says.

Even finishes his smoothie before he makes himself a cup of strong coffee and moves to the couch. He knows he should work for a few hours today, but he can’t bring himself to start just yet. He also needs to do some cleaning and buy groceries before he and Ellie are supposed to go to his parents for dinner at 6 pm. Maybe he should go for a run as well. The sun is shining and it doesn’t seem to be as cold as it has been. He knows he should get back into his routine of running and stick to it, but with it being Christmas and then super cold he has not exactly felt motivated, and because he has been busy with work he hasn’t made it to the gym either. He should really go though, because exercise is good for him and helps him keep stable and also helps him stick to his routines. Lately he has not stuck to them like he is supposed to.

Even at 32 he finds it hard to always keep a regular routine, but he does his best to go to bed at the same time every night and to wake up at the same time every morning. He tries to minimize his intake of alcohol and mostly he will avoid it all together and opt for something non-alcoholic whenever he is out with his friends or invited for dinner. Most of his friends know anyway and they don’t drink alcohol either so with them there is hardly a problem. Some of his co-workers know, but even if he’s not ashamed of his illness like he used to be when he was younger, he always fears that people will treat him differently if they know.

While Even busies himself with household chores, Ellie sits by their dinner table with her headphones in her ears and a pencil in her hand. She has always loved drawing, just like Even and now at sixteen she is way better than he will ever be. She rarely lets him see what she is drawing and he has learned to not ask and never, ever look through her sketch book. He had made that mistake when she was 14 and had left it open on the table for him to see when he walked by. Now he knows that her drawings are very private to her.

When he is finished with cleaning and laundry he decides to go for that run. Ellie is still sitting by the table when he puts on his shoes and light wind jacket.

“I’m going for a run. Maybe you can bake something for tonight? I think dad would be happy.”  he says.

She barely looks up from her drawing, only hums in response.

“I’m stopping by the grocery store on the way home, so maybe you can text me if you need anything?” he continues and earns a small nod from his daughter.

He runs for almost 40 minutes at a relatively slow pace, to wake up his muscles and lungs again after the long break. Unconsciously, his mind wanders off to Isak again as he listens to Isak’s spotify list from last night and makes his way down the street. He wonders what Isak is doing right now. If he’s at work or at home. Maybe he is studying or listening to Nas. He wonders if Isak is thinking about him too. He hopes that yesterday meant as much to Isak as it did to him. They had kissed after all, several times, and he had got to hold Isak’s hand, and he feels more connected to Isak after these few weeks than he has to anyone else he has ever gone on a date with. It feels like Isak gets him. As if  Isak knows exactly how to make Even laugh but at the same time has the ability to say the exact right thing at the exact right moment.

He makes a quick stop by the grocery store on his way home to refill their fridge and buy some ice cream for tonight. As he checks his phone to see if Ellie needs anything, he can’t help but feel disappointed that Isak hasn’t texted him back yet. He tries not to worry, because in the back of his mind he realises it means nothing and it’s not even 3 pm yet so that leaves plenty of time for Isak to answer.

He and Ellie arrive at his parents’ just a little before 6 and his dad greets them at the door in his apron and with a happy smile on his face. He gives Even a quick hug before he turns to Ellie.

“How is my little princess?” he asks. “I haven’t seen you in forever.”

Even thinks that his dad might be the only one to get away with calling Ellie “princess” because Ellie is not the kind of person who likes nicknames. She is a lot like Sonja in that way.

“I’m good,” she says.

Even’s dad beams and gives her a gentle hug which she returns with a small smile. The two of them have always been close since Ellie has spent a lot of time with her grandparents growing up. Even watches the two of them walk into the kitchen, already fully engaged in a discussion, while he struggles with the zipper of his coat. He walks into the living room and finds his mother snuggled up on the couch with a magazine in her hands. When she hears him enter she looks up and puts down the magazine.

“Hi, Even!” she says with a smile.

“Hey, mom,” he says. “How are you?”

“I’m alright. How are you, sweetie? You look tired. Is everything alright?”

Even sits down in the arm chair. He can’t very well tell her that the reason he is tired, is because he spent half the night driving around in his car with a 20-year-old he has developed a crush on.

“I’m okay,” he smiles instead.

She nods.

“You would tell me if there was something right? I don’t mean to nag you or make you feel like I don’t trust you because I really do but I don’t want you to be tired or stressed out. Especially not with everything  you are doing at work.” she says gently.

“I’m okay, I promise,” he reassures her. “I’ll tell you if things get too much.”

“I trust you, sweetie,” she repeats. “Where is Ellie?”

Even gestures towards the kitchen.

“Dad kidnapped her and forced her to help him in the kitchen. I think he is interrogating her.”

Even’s mother makes a small sigh and rolls her eyes.

“The two of them…” she mutters. “I guess I better go there, make sure everything is okay. I promised dad I would make the sauce, but I guess I’ve been replaced. “

She stands up from the couch.

“Do you need any help?” Even asks, but she shakes her head.

“You get some rest,” she says. “I think the three of us can manage.”

He nods and gratefully moves to the couch where he stretches out. He has always loved it here, and it’s his favourite room in their apartment. He has spent countless of hours on this couch with baby Ellie sleeping on his chest and it brings up a lot of memories. It feels unbelievable how far they have come since then even though it has not always been easy, especially not for his parents who had had to handle both being grandparents and their only son being diagnosed with bipolar disorder in a matter of a few months. They had been there for him and Sonja all the way, and his mom had accompanied Sonja to her check-ups when Even didn’t have the strength to leave bed. When Sonja had left and things had crashed, his parents had once again bore the brunt of the damage and were forced to look after their son and granddaughter. It had taken Even some time to get used to being a single parent and get back on his feet again, and without their unconditional love and support he would never have managed.

He does his best to stay in control, as to not burden anyone because both Ellie and his parents have done enough for him as it is. They have had too much to deal with already when it comes to him and he never wants to put them through it again. It breaks his heart to know that he will put them through it again, no matter how hard he tries to be in control.

He listens to them talking and laughing quietly in the kitchen before he decides to join them. As he walks in to the other room, Ellie is setting the table and both his parents are standing by the stove.

“Hi, dad. We were just about to call you.” Ellie says.

“It smells great,” Even comments as he takes four glasses from the cabinet and helps her finishing the table.

“I hope it’s good. I got this recipe from a co-worker. She said it was really good,” his dad comments as he takes out a tray of chicken from the oven.  

“It looks delicious, grandpa,” Ellie says as she sits down next to Even in her usual spot.

“Thank you, princess,” Even’s dad says as he places the tray on the table. “If it tastes bad we can always eat your dessert.”

They leave a few hours later after having had dinner and dessert and spent a couple of hours just talking and playing cards and board games. Ellie walks next to him with her nose buried into her phone and Even suddenly remembers he hasn’t checked his phone in hours. He had left it in his pocket when he arrived at his parents and it still sits there. Maybe Isak has finally texted him back. Disappointment soon fills him when he realises that the other boy has not replied, so he forcefully puts his phone back into his pocket and hurries his steps. Ellie has to run to catch up with him.

“Do you have to walk so fast?” She whines as she struggles to keep up with his pace, even with her own long legs.

“I’m just freezing,” Even mutters.

They don’t say anything to each other for the rest of the way.

“I’m taking a shower,” he mumbles as soon as they arrive at home and Ellie sits down on their couch.

He locks himself inside despite knowing she won’t come in. As he stands under the hot spray he allows himself to let out a disappointed sigh. He had really thought that it was something going on between him and Isak and that maybe Isak liked him back. Especially after last night. Now he feels stupid and sad about it. Stupid because for Isak last night was probably just the climax of their small and short-lived fling. Sad because he has actually started to fall for the other boy. He crawls into his bed ten minutes later with his laptop on his lap, fully intended to watch one of his favourite movies and just forget that last night even happened. He’s about ten minutes into Pineapple Express when his phone pings on the nightstand and even though it’s probably just Mikael or from the group chat, Even still pauses the film and reaches for the phone.

**Hi! Sorry I didn’t reply.**  
**I’ve been studying and working**  
**all day. Just got home. How was**  
**your day? :)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thnk you for reading! Please let me know what you think in the comments :) I also realise this is probably a slow burn which I never intended it to be. I hope you don't mind :)


	7. I want to take you out for dinner :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit faster update this time thanks to a not so busy week at Uni and some amazing help from Steffeline. She's helped me with the last few chapters. She proof reads and comes up with suggestions for improvement but I also use her opinion on different plot points etc :) She's been incredible this week, staying up with me and editing :D Thank you <3
> 
> As always a major thank you to all of you who have read, commented and left kudos :) 
> 
> In this chapter Isak and Even take things one step further :p
> 
> I still have problems when it comes to the spacing when it comes to the texts. I've spent 40 minutes trying to sort ot out but I've given up. Sorry :/

 

**Hi! How are you?**

**My morning meeting is so borning**

 

**Boring* haha**

 

 **Anyway, I hope you’re having** **a good day.**

 **I wish I could see you** **again :)**

Isak rereads the texts from Even several times as he waits for his first lecture to start. He is leaning against the wall outside of the lecture hall, backpack tucked between his legs on the floor. He had had trouble falling asleep after Even had dropped him off early on Saturday morning. There had been too many thoughts going on in his head to fully relax.

He had woken up late on Saturday, rushed to the library to have time to study before work and then rushed to work, where he had spent the rest of the night. It had been a busy night and he hadn’t had the time to check his phone until after his shift had ended, and he was on his way home. He had replied to Even’s text and the two of them had spent an hour or so just texting back and forth until Isak had to go to bed. He had fallen asleep contently, and for the first time in forever the thoughts in his head hadn’t kept him up.

Since then they have texted every day and each time his phone pings or vibrates with another text his heart has picked up with excitement at the thought that it might be Even.

**Hey! I’m sorry about the meeting**

**If it’s any help I have a three-hour**

**lecture in ten minutes :(**

 

**I wish I could see you too :)**

  

**That sucks. Your day is**

**far worse than mine.**

**Hahaha. How are things**

**with the new company?**

**Good. I’ve not met them**

**yet so ;) But I think it’ll be ok.**

**I believe in you :)**

**Thank you!**

**:)**

**I need to go now!**

**I’ll talk to you later**

**Good luck today!**

Isak puts down his phone as he hears someone approach him. As he looks up Sana is standing in front of him with a hesitant look.

“Uh, hey” he says.

“Hi” she says, clearing her throat.

She doesn’t say anything else. Just looks at him, almost nervously. It’s not like her at all.

“How are you?” she asks finally.

“I’m good,” he says. “You?”

Sana nods quietly.

“I’m… look I know I’ve…I’ve been acting weird lately and never answered your text, but things have been quite stressful at home so…” she says.

Isak smiles reassuringly and she smiles slightly before she continues.

“I’ve struggled a bit with this course, actually, so I was thinking maybe we could study together sometime? Unless you have other plans?”

She seems so unlike the Sana he is used to. She looks unsure, and now that Isak looks closer she looks a bit tired and not as put together as she usually is. She has been acting strange since they came back from Christmas break, but to be honest Isak hasn’t given it much thought because of his own struggles. Maybe she’s been struggling too.

“Yeah sure,” he says. “Can’t believe you are asking me for help with studying though,” he adds jokingly.

She gives him a slightly unimpressed look, but then she smiles brightly.

“I never said I needed your help, did I? she says.

He rolls his eyes.

As the teacher arrives and unlocks the door of the lecture hall, the two of them find a seat next to each other. Just like they had done during their first lectures over a year ago.

“You know you can talk to me, right?” Isak says carefully as they sit down. “I know we’re not that close anymore but I’m here if you want to talk.”

She nods slowly, not looking at him as she puts all her things on the little table in front of her. Isak bites his lip and nods as well. They sit in silence for a little while as the other students walk in and the teacher prepares his notes and PowerPoint. Nils and Alfred walk in just a few minutes before class starts. Isak hasn’t talked to them since Friday. Not directly at least. They look around in the room and when they spot him next to Sana they frown a bit as they sit down next to a few other boys.  

“How have you been doing?” Sana asks.

Isak looks up.

“I’ve been okay…you know” he mumbles.

He doesn’t have the energy to elaborate and tell her everything that has been going on in his life, but she seems to get it. She knows enough of his life from when he went to Nissen and she had been one of the people who had tried to reach out to him. One of the people he shut out, pushed away and lashed out at. Coming to think of it, it’s a wonder their friendship lasted through that and continued to develop. She had been patient though, much more patient than he deserved probably, but in the end, they had become pretty good friends when both of them were struggling with their own battles.

When the lecture is done, he and Sana spend some time in the library studying together. It feels nice to have someone to sit with, even if they stay mostly silent. In between reading they take a small break and Sana updates him on how the girls are doing. He talks to Eva sometimes, but much like with his other friends he doesn't see her that often. She too lives in Bergen and comes home every once in a while. He learns that Noora lives with William and that the two of them have plans to move to London again. Vilde still lives in Oslo and works at a retail store and Chris has apparently just started to date someone. Isak has a feeling Sana feels just as out of place as he does. Even if she is much better at concealing it. They study together for almost two hours before Sana packs up her things and heads home.

Isak isn’t sure what to do. It’s not even 4 pm yet and he’s not up for spending the rest of the night in his apartment with nothing to do. It’s always too empty and quiet there, which inevitably leaves him with too many thoughts. It’s mainly his own fault that this is the way things have become. It’s he who has pushed people away, and it’s he who can’t maintain friendships past high school because he’s fucked up and closed in on himself. Desperate for attention and love but not prepared to give what it takes- to let his walls down.

It’s always been that way. Since he grew up with two parents who didn’t have time for him, a sister that escaped to the other side of the world and never came back, and a dad who ran off as soon as Isak “was old enough” to carry the burden of looking after his sick mother. Isak isn’t sure whom he resents more. It should probably be his dad. After all it’s his parents, and parents aren’t supposed to choose their new girlfriend instead of their child. They are not supposed to leave their child to look after a mentally ill mom. However, Terje is not most parents and he never chose Isak, because Isak was never important enough. So Isak should probably resent him the most, but Terje will always find a way to get under Isak’s skin. He can guilt him into doing things, whether it’s by reminding Isak that he still is Marianne’s trustee or something else, he always manages to remind Isak that he should do better, be better, look after his mother better.

_“You need to see her more often. She needs to see someone she knows.”_

Him and Lea have never been close. She moved out of the house when he was ten and she 19. She moved to London first, where she worked, took some courses at the university and then ultimately met the man of her dreams and followed him to Australia. If Isak remembers correctly, he is the uncle of two young boys. She has never told him that though, and he doesn’t even know their names. Isak used to hate her for leaving him, but he realises now how she just saved herself before it was too late. Still, he can’t stop thinking that she is a selfish bitch that took the easy way out. She ran away before their mother even got sick and if it was bad then, it was just a fraction of how bad it was about to turn. It doesn’t seem fair that he was left struggling and she couldn’t even come home for a week, to help him sort things out. Isak simply wasn’t important enough for her to leave the life she had created for herself, far away from the turbulence and mayhem.

_“I have my life here. I can’t just fly to Norway like that. I have a little toddler.”_

His mom, he wishes he could say that everything was good before she became sick. Maybe it was, but if Isak is honest he can’t remember a time when she acted like all the other moms he knew. She was never as affectionate as Jonas’ mom and never took the time to read him stories at night or tuck him up in bed. Then she became sick, and little by little she disappeared in front of him. At first it was just little things, things that didn’t change the way he felt about her, but as she got worse and worse, and Isak’s dad kept denying the fact that she needed help, it all fell apart. By the time Isak’s dad realised, it was too late. By then he had already found a girlfriend and wasted no time in leaving, ignoring Isak’s tears and broken pleas. Isak had tried to look after her. Tried to get her to seek help, but that had only made her angry with him. Deep inside Isak knows it’s not her fault, that denial is part of the symptoms of her illness, and that he can’t blame her for not wanting to get help. He does though, because he can’t help but think if it wasn’t for her, everything would be okay. His dad would never have left, his sister would have kept in contact, and Isak would be a normal teenager with normal teenage problems. If she wasn’t sick. If she didn’t refuse to get help. If, if, if. Therefore he resents her the most. And himself. He also hates himself the most.

“ _I’m not sick. You are lying. You are just like all of them._ ”

Therefore he has built up walls that make it impossible for people to come near. No one can tear him down or hurt him, but the downside is that no one can really get him either. He never allows people close enough. Not anymore.

It’s different with Even though. Even makes Isak feel happy and carefree but mostly safe. Even makes Isak feel like he wants to get close and open up, to let Even in on the most vulnerable parts of himself. With Even, he wants to let down those walls. He wishes he could tell Even all his secrets without the other man leaving when he learns what kind of person Isak really is. There is just no way someone like Even will want to spend time with someone like Isak.

When he finally gives up and leaves the library, it’s just after 5 pm. It’s one of those days where he would actually rather just hurry from class to the restaurant and work a shift instead of going home, but Reine has not allowed him to take any more shifts and since Isak already has a shift on Wednesday, Reine has given the other shifts to Marcus. It feels ironic, how Reine seems to care more about Isak’s well-being and stress levels than Isak’s own parents.  

He makes sure to drag the journey home by stopping at the grocery store. He takes the time to walk past each aisle, prolonging the trip home even further. He buys some yogurt, milk, cream, a loaf of bread, pasta and some frozen chicken. He may not be the best cook, but he can make something with that. He passes the aisle with ice cream and decides to buy some. It feels like the right night to play some Fifa and eat ice cream. It will be enough to fill the void in his chest for now. As he waits in line, he scrolls through his Instagram feed. Jonas has posted a picture from a sunny California. Isak presses like just because it’s his best friend obligation to like whatever Jonas posts. Magnus has posted a picture of his girlfriend, Cecilie, the third in a row but Isak likes that picture too. Magnus is a regular updater and most of the pictures involve Cecilie in anyway or their apartment, or their new bed or dinner table. Isak’s own instagram has not been updated since Christmas break when they had last hung out together.

He watches Madhi’s instagram story of him and his new friends hanging out at uni, studying together. He wants to write him, and ask him if he wants to hang out sometime, but he doesn’t dare to. He just can’t take the rejection right now if Mahdi says no because he has something else to do. He rather not ask than risk getting that stinging rejection.

He gets home half an hour later and immediately busies himself with cooking dinner while listening to some music. Ever since Even introduced him to Nas that’s pretty much the only thing he has been listening to.

Just as he’s about to sit down with the bowl of pasta and chicken sauce, his phone vibrates in his pocket and as he pulls it out, he realises it’s Even who has texted him. Instantly he is in a much better mood.

 

**Hey! How was your day?**

**I hope that lecture went okay.**

 

**Hi! It was okay, I guess.**

**Lecture was super boring :(**

 

**Aaaw no :(**

 

**How was your day?**

 

**It was good actually.**

**I just got home. I’m gonna**

**make dinner now.**

**What are you up to?**

 

**I’ve just cooked actually ;)**

 

**No? I don’t believe you.**

**Picture or it didn’t happen ;)**

 

Isak laughs as he snaps a picture of his food and sends it to Even. It doesn’t take long before Even replies.

**Oh wow. I’m so impressed!**

 

**Haha you should be.**

**I’ve been listening to Nas too.**

 

**Now you are just bragging though ;)**

 

**Hahaha**

 

**What are you doing**

**on Friday?**

 

**Nothing why?**

 

**So you are not working?**

**Haha, no. Are you planning**

**on going there or what?**

 

**Hahaha no ;)**

 

Isak takes a bit of pasta, trying to come up with something to keep their conversation going, but before he has had the chance to reply a new text arrives.

**I want to take you out for dinner :)**

Isak rereads the text while his heart is beating in his chest and a smile is forming on his face. Is Even asking him out on a date? Isak has probably never been asked out like this before, but it sounds like Even is asking him out.

**Like in a date?**

Isak clicks send before he can change his mind. If Even didn’t mean it as a date but just the two of them hanging out together things have just turned really awkward. Thankfully, he doesn’t have to wait long for Even’s answer.

 

**No we are meeting the Queen**

 

**Yes it’s a date.**

 

**You want that right? Go on a**

**date with me? I really want to**

**go on a date with you.**

The smile widens on Isak’s face as he hurriedly types out his reply.

**I’d love to go on a date with you :)**

 

**:) So on Friday? Maybe 18.00?**

 

**Sounds great :)**

**Can’t wait :)**

-

The rest of the week feels like a breeze compared to the start, and Isak can almost forget all the things he is stressing about. He and Even continue to text each other throughout the days, and he finally has something to look forward to. He works for a few hours on Wednesday and has a blast in the kitchen together with Dimitri and Marcus. He has a seminar together with Sana on Thursday morning and spends some time studying with her afterwards.

On Friday he has a lecture, but he can feel himself drifting off and losing concentration the whole time. When he zones out for the fourth time in just half an hour, he gives up and grabs his phone. In only a few hours Even will pick him up and Isak has already had time to feel nervous. He hasn’t heard from Even all day apart from a good morning text when he woke up, so he decides to send Even a text.

 

**I can’t wait for tonight!**

 

The reply is almost instant.

 

**I can’t wait either :)**

**Where are we going?**

**You’ll see :)**

**I’ll pick you up at six.**

**At least tell me what**

**I’m supposed to wear?**

**Just dress in something nice.**

 

**What does that even mean?**

**Like a suit kind of nice?**

 

**I don’t have a suit.**

 

**Please reply?!**

The minutes trickle by and Even doesn’t reply. Isak has a feeling Even is just teasing him and purposely lets him wait. With a sigh he puts down his phone in his lap and turns his attention back to the lecture.

He ends up dressing in a light grey, fitted shirt and black jeans. He tries to style his hair, but it still looks a mess. He wishes he could just put on a snapback or beanie, but he doubts that would qualify as nice. He really needs a haircut and wishes he would have had time for that before his date. His hair is getting too long, and it curls stupidly at the back of his head and around his ears. Compared to Even, who is always dressed nicely and has perfectly styled hair, he is going to look like some kid.

-

“Where are we going?” Isak asks as Even picks him up at the same place he dropped him off a week ago.

Even chuckles and gives him a fond look.

“You’ll see,” he says.

“Why can’t you just tell me?” Isak asks curiously.

“Because if I did it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?” Even says calmly and turns left at the end of Isak’s street.

They drive for about ten minutes before Even parks the car, and from there they have another five-minute walk until Even guides him inside a restaurant. Isak takes in the environment as they wait to be seated. The atmosphere seems relaxed, and there are all kinds of people seated at the tables. Younger couples, parents with their children, groups of friends and the friendly setting makes Isak relax.

“Don’t be stressed,“ Even mumbles against his ear.

“I’m not stressed,” Isak says.

“Good,” Even says.

The two of them are seated at a small table for two next to the window by a waitress with an over excited and slightly forced smile. Even gives him an affectionate look as she walks away and the two of them pick up their menus. Isak looks through the menu, trying to figure out what he can order. The restaurant is not super expensive, but it is definitely out of his normal price range and he’s not sure if he is comfortable with letting Even pay either. If he sticks to a main course and orders a coke or something he’ll probably be fine though.

“Isak?”

Isak looks up as Even calls his name.

“Huh?” Isak asks.

“I said do you want a starter?”

Isak bites his lip uncomfortably.

“I… I don’t know? Do you?” he asks.

Even gives him a comforting smile, as if he can sense Isak’s discomfort.

“Do you want to share something maybe?” he asks.

Isak smiles and finds himself relaxing. Even puts his hand on top of his and runs a thumb across Isak’s skin.

“I’m glad we are here,” Even mumbles. “I’m glad you agreed to go on a date with me.”

“As if I was gonna say no to that,” Isak smiles.

They spend hours at the restaurant just talking and eating. It’s like it’s just the two of them there, and the only interruption is whenever the waiter asks them if they want to order dessert. They share a chocolate fondant and before Isak can even protest, Even makes it clear that he is going to pay for both of them.

“I asked you out, Isak.” Even says quietly. “It’s only fair that I pay.”

Isak smiles and nods. It feels nice to be spoiled like this for once.

“Do you know where you wanna work when you’ve graduated?” Even says softly.

“I’m not sure to be honest. There are so many interesting fields, really” Isak starts. “It feels like such a long time away anyway. I’ve barely started so....”

Even nods quietly.

“You are so young still,” he says, but it’s not in a patronising way or even in teasing way. The way he says it is full of warmth and affection. “You have plenty of time to decide.”

“I guess. But everyone is always so stressed out. Like if you don’t know what you want to do with your life at twenty you are screwed or something. And I feel lucky that I really know I want to become a doctor you know but still. What if I’m making the wrong decisions?”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes I wonder whether or not I’ve made the right decisions” Even says.

Isak watches how Even takes a sip from his glass of water.

“What do you mean?” he asks softly. “I thought you liked your job?”

Even looks at him.

“I do. Or I used to, but lately I just feel really uninspired, you know? Like I should be really happy at this opportunity my boss has given me but I’m not at all. It just stresses me out. I never really wanted to study PR. It just turned out that way. I used to want to become a director because I love everything about movies and storytelling.”

“Why didn’t you?” Isak asks.

Even sighs.

“It just wasn’t realistic,” he says. “There are thousands of aspiring and creative directors out there, and the opportunities to actually get work is much less so I’ve just realised it wasn’t realistic. Besides film school is pretty hard to get into....”

Isak wonders if there is more to it but decides to not pry too much. He doesn’t want to pressure Even, or make him feel uncomfortable and ruin their date.

“It’s not too late though…” he says instead. “If you really wanted to.”

Even smiles.

“I’m too old, Isak.” he says.

Isak shakes his head stubbornly.

“You are not too old, Even” he says firmly. “There are at least two people in my class that are over forty and if they are not too old then neither are you. You should go for it!”

“Yeah, maybe,” Even says. “I just don’t think it’s realistic anymore. But I can dream though, right?”  

“Yeah, I guess,” Isak says. “So you must be a huge film nerd then?” he teases softly.

“Haha, I guess you can call me that,” Even laughs.

“So what’s your favourite movie?” Isak asks.

“You can’t ask me that,” Even states. “It’s literally too many. I can’t even narrow it down to ten.”

Isak rolls his eyes.

“Who is your favourite director then?”

“It used to be Baz Luhrmann,” Even starts. “He directed Romeo & Juliet, which used to be my favourite movie of all time, and Moulin Rouge! and the Great Gatsby.”

Isak nods.

“There are so many though. I really like Stanley Kubrick.” he starts. “He directed The Shining” he adds and gives Isak an expectant look, as if expects Isak to know what he is talking about.

“Sorry, I don’t know that movie” Isak says.

Even’s reaction is priceless as he struggles to keep his face straight.

“A man that goes to a hotel in the middle of winter with his wife and son, Danny? With Jack Nicholson?”

Isak shakes his head.

“No I don’t know him either.” Isak says.

Even gives him a look that is a mixture of disbelief and disapproval, and it looks like Isak has just broken his heart. It makes it impossible for Isak to keep a straight face.

“I’m kidding,” he laughs. “I’ve seen Shining plenty of times. Who do you think I am?”

Even lets out a relieved laugh.

“You can’t joke about things like that. I was trying to find ways to end this date,” he says.

“Would you’ve ended this date if it was true?” Isak asks challengingly.

Even is quiet for a few seconds and puts his hand on top of Isak’s again.

“No,” he says eventually. “You are way too cute for that. But it did spare you a lecture.”  

“Lucky me then,” Isak smiles.

“And me” Even adds.  

They leave the restaurant a short while later, walking hand in hand towards the car. It feels good to hold Even’s hand, but Isak can’t help but feel anxious too. It feels like everyone they meet are stirring at them and it makes Isak feel uncomfortable. He knows he shouldn’t care if people stare or have opinions about him and Even, but it’s difficult not to. If Even notices, he doesn’t say anything, and by the time they reach Even’s car Isak finds himself relaxing.

Their ride home is mostly silent, and Isak spends the time looking out of the passenger side window while Even drives.

“There is something you need to know about me,” Even says after a little while.

Isak looks at him. Even is gripping the steering wheel tightly, as if he is a bit nervous. Isak’s stomach sinks. Maybe this is the moment when Even tells him that while the night has been amazing, the age difference is too much to try something more. Isak can’t come up with something else that would make Even not want to see him again, because they both had made it clear that they liked each other.

“Okay,” he says quietly. “What is it?”

“I’m bipolar,” Even breathes.

At first Isak is not sure what to say. There are a million thoughts going around in his head. He doesn’t know much about bipolar to be honest, but he knows that Magnus’ mother has bipolar disorder, and he knows the basics of it from what Magnus has told him and from what he has read online. He knows Even is not his mom and that bipolar is different from Schizophrenia, but he also knows that sometimes really bad manic episodes can mean psychotic symptoms, and those he is very familiar with. He tries to remain calm. And forces himself to remind himself that this doesn’t have to change anything. That it doesn’t change who Even is as a person or Even’s feelings towards him. He thinks about Magnus’ mom who is amazing.

“Okay,” he says, and tries his best to sound reassuring and calm.

Even gives him a brief look.

“Do you mean that?” Even says. “I know it might be a lot to take in, but I want to be honest with you. I’ve learned that I can’t hide it because it won’t make it go away.”

Isak nods knowingly. He admires how brave and honest Even is and wishes he could be just as courageous. One day he will be, he promises himself. Today is just the starting point.

“I mean it” he says. “Thank you for telling me. I don’t know a lot about it and you don’t have to tell me unless you want to but one of my friends’ mom is bipolar and she’s kind of amazing. And I really like you, and if you want to I’d like to see you again.”

Even lets out a little laugh.

“There’s nothing I’d rather do,” he says.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments. It would really mean alot! What do you think will be their next step? Next chapter will probably span over the course of a few weeks and Even and Isak will spend a lot of time together. And we will see Even's friends again :) 
> 
> I had a lot of fun diving in to this chapter and it got a bit longer than I had planned. Isak and Sana are going to find their way back to eachother because I don't want ISak to be completely on his own. He really isn't but in his head he feels very lonely and he has trouble reaching out. Again we get a glimps into Isak's past and why he is feeling the way he is feeling. He's background is a bit different from canon a we can see. He does not have a good relationship to his family and he feels very abandoned by all of them including Lea whom I aged up compared to my usual head canon for her. 
> 
> For Even I figured he'd be a lot more open about his bipolar disorder since he is a bit older and has had time to come to terms with it. He still struggling, but he has come to accept it as a part of him rather than to pretend it's not there. Isak is scared but he's also a bit more mature in his thinking even though he has had it though with his mom. He is able to realise that Even and his mother are not the same person. I also figured that Even would have another favourite movie at thirty. Don't kill me ;)


	8. How is it supposed to work out?  He’s a fucking kid, Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I really loved reading your reflections and thoughts in the comments on the last chapter. Thank you so much for taking the time to write long and reflective comments :) and thank you to all of you who have read and left kudos as well.
> 
> This chapter is a bit of a rollercoaster. Even enjoys going out with Isak but at the same time he struggles with keeping it a secrete and he doubts himself a bit :)
> 
> As always, my lovely Beta Steffi has helped me with this chapter. Not only with boring grammar stuff but also by discussing the plot and characters action with me. Thank you so much <3 <3 We also had a very long discussion about Skam in general and the knew adaptions which was very entertaining!

Dating Isak is blissful and just as amazing as Even had imagined, and the two weeks following their first date they try to see each other as much as they can. Whether it is Even stepping by on Isak’s shift at the restaurant, or them having a coffee in the afternoon. He takes any opportunity to see Isak and on nights he knows Ellie won’t be home and wonder where he is, he and Isak go out for dinner.

It only works like this because he knows Isak is also hesitant about their relationship. Isak too is scared to tell people. He knows very little about Isak’s family, but he knows enough to know that Isak has a bad relationship with his parents and that he hasn’t seen them in a while. They have not talked about it a lot because every time Even asks, Isak becomes distant and sad, and Even has already learned to be patient and give Isak time.

“Hey, relax, we don’t have to talk about this today,” Even mumbles as he watches Isak close in on himself when the topic of family comes up on one of their walks together. “Don’t be upset”

Isak visibly relaxes again and the two of them continue to walk.

They talk about Jonas who lives in California and Isak’s other friends, Magnus and Mahdi, who live in Bergen and Oslo. If Isak was to tell anyone about their relationship, it would be them. However, neither of them feels ready yet.

Not because they don’t like each other but because they shouldn’t. They don’t belong together. Isak belongs with someone his own age and Even with someone that isn’t the same age as his daughter. But if they didn’t belong together, it shouldn’t be this good. Isak shouldn’t make him this happy or make him laugh until his stomach hurts. Isak shouldn’t be able to get Even like he does. Therefore it sucks that neither of them can ignore the looks they get when they stand too close together or when they hold hands.

Even hasn’t even been able to tell Mikael yet, because he knows Mikael’s reaction won’t be good. He can’t imagine his co-workers’ reactions if they were to find out. His parents would probably be supportive even if they would find it strange. The thought of people knowing seems daunting, and he just wants to stay in his bubble with Isak for a little while longer, without people’s judgements.

“Let’s just take it day by day,” Isak concludes. “It’ll be okay.”

Isak is smart like that. He knows exactly what to say to make Even calm down and he never ceases to amaze Even.

“I know,” Even says. “I just wish I could tell the rest of the world how happy I am with you.”

“We’ve got time,” Isak says and squeezes Even’s hand.

-

It feels like he’s living a lie and that he’s running from it as fast as he can. He knows he has to stop soon, because it can only last for so long. He has to tell Isak about Ellie, and he has to tell Ellie about Isak. He’s not sure whose reaction he fears the most. He just needs a little more time to know it’s right and worth it. He’s going to tell Isak soon, he promises himself. He’s going to tell Isak when Ellie is away on her skiing trip with her friends during winter break that is coming up. If Isak doesn’t want to keep seeing him he won’t have to go through the trouble of telling Ellie.

Tonight, Isak has invited Even over to his apartment and has insisted on treating Even to dinner, since Even has already payed for most of their dinners together. So tonight, they will order take out and stay in all night.

Even had tried to protest, but it was no use, and Isak had stubbornly argued that he wanted to pay at least once.

“Sorry this is not as fancy as our last dinners,” Isak says with an apologetic tone in his voice.

The two of them are sitting at the sushi place waiting for their order to be ready. Even looks at the younger man and smiles reassuringly.

“I just want to spend the night with you,” he says. “I don’t care about what we do, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to pay for me or feel stressed about money.”

“I want to, though,” Isak says. “You pay for me all the time and I want to be able to do that for you too. And I’m not completely broke. I’ve got a job, you know”

“I know you do, and I love that you care about me. Just don’t feel like what you are doing for me is less.”2

Isak gives him a small smile and Even has to resist the urge to kiss him.

Isak’s apartment is small, and the combined living room/kitchen and bedroom barely has the space for a small sofa and Isak’s bed. There’s no place for a kitchen table, and Even wonders where Isak studies. The walls are sparse and empty and there is nothing personal there. Nothing that tells him that it’s Isak living there. Even gets the feeling that Isak only uses this place to have somewhere to live, but that it doesn’t feel like his home.

“Uh welcome, I guess,” Isak mumbles. “I know it’s not a lot but it was all I could get on a short notice and I’ve not had the time to look for something else.”

Isak puts the take-out bag on the counter and Even follows closely behind. Now that they are finally alone again, he takes the opportunity to hug Isak tightly and give him a kiss. He can feel Isak smiling, and as he wraps his arms around Even’s neck he visibly relaxes and lets himself sink into Even’s touch. Isak rubs his nose against Even’s and rests his hand on Even’s chest.

“Hey,” he whispers.

“Hey,” Even smiles.

They eat their sushi sitting close together on Isak’s sofa. And once they have finished, Isak challenges Even to a game of Fifa.

“You think you are going to win?” Even says pointendly and raises an eyebrow.

“I’m the master of playing, Fifa,” Isak retorts. “I bet you don’t even have a playstation,”

Even pretends to look offended but accepts the challenge nonetheless. It’s true that he doesn’t own a playstation anymore. There is just no time for him to play at home, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t played, because both Mutta and Adam own one and they like to gather together and just hang out, play video games and eat pizza like they are still 20. Isak is good though, way better than Even, and after they have played in different constellations for over an hour and the best Even has managed is a tie, he simply gives up and resorts to cheating. Instead of defending when Isak once again defiliates through Even’s badly coordinated defence, he puts the controller down and starts to kiss Isak all over the face and neck. Isak wiggles at first, trying to escape Even’s lips and trying to push Even away.

“Stop,” he exclaims. “You are cheating.”

Even laughs and takes Isak’s arms and pulls the other man towards him. Soon Isak stops trying to get free and returns Even’s kisses. Not long after, they’re both lying on the couch, Isak on top of Even, resting his head on Even’s chest. Even’s hand trails Isak’s back in small circles. Even’s phone lits up with a few texts and in the distance Isak’s is vibrating with an incoming call. Neither of them bothers to move, both of them unwilling to let this moment end.

“Can’t we just stay like this forever?” Isak mumbles, eyes closed and nose pressed into the fabric of Even’s shirt.  

“Yeah,” Even whispers and presses a kiss to Isak’s hair. “We can.”

Even wishes he could stay the whole night with Isak and have Isak’s head resting on his chest forever, but the reality is that he should have left ages ago.

“It’s Valentine’s Day soon,” Even reminds Isak as the two of them say goodbye to each other a short while later.

“Mm,” Isak mumbles and kisses Even’s neck greedily. “Too bad I have to work,”

“The whole night?” Even complains. “Can’t you make someone take your shift. What was her name, Sasha? She can work, right?”

Isak giggles.

“No, I can’t.” he says firmly. “Someone’s gotta work,”

“But I want to see you,” Even says. “It’s Valentine’s Day.”

“It’s just like any other day really,” Isak points out. “It’s just a bunch of commercial crap to make us buy a lot of crappy things.”

“Who told you that?” Even asks and shakes his head.

“Jonas,” Isak laughs.

“Well I’m telling you it’s bullshit. Valentine's day is about telling people you love that you love them. It’s about celebrating love.”

“You are so sappy,” Isak whispers and cradles Even’s cheek. “You can take me out another day,”

He leans forward and kisses Even’s lips.

“I need to go now,” Even mutters.

“Okay,” Isak says and leans in for another kiss.

“Okay,” Even repeats.

When he gets home, Ellie is already asleep so he tippy toes into his own bedroom quietly to not wake her up, and silently crawls into bed.

**Good night <3 **

Even smiles as he looks at the heart Isak has just sent him. One simple symbol with the potential of making Even’s heart swell.

**Sleep tight <3**

As soon as he puts down his phone his thoughts are back full force. He wonders how long he can keep this up. Just how long he can keep lying and sneaking off to see Isak, and how long he can keep this up without Isak getting suspicious because Even will never stay the night. He is going to tell him soon. Winter break is only a week away and then he will tell Isak. If everything works out they will figure out the next step. It will work out. It has to.

-

“How was yesterday?” Ellie asks, looking up at Even expectantly.

“Huh?” Even asks, yawning slightly.

He is on his way out of the door and Ellie has just woken up. She stands before him with tired looking eyes and hair in messy bun. She is wearing one of his old t-shirts and a pair of pyjamas shorts.

“Your after work, how was it? You haven’t really been out with them in a while, so I was a bit surprised that you went out with them all of a sudden.”

Suddenly he is reminded of the lie he had told her yesterday. He really hates lying to her because they have always been honest with each other.

“It was good,” he mumbles, scrambling to look for his wallet.

She nods quietly and disappears into the bathroom without another word. Even is left frowning slightly. She is usually a lot more talkative and a lot more curious. He doesn’t have much time to think about it though, because he has to hurry to get to work.

His new project at work is much more demanding than he had anticipated, and even though everyone seems pleased with him, both his boss and the customer, he keeps doubting himself. Everyone looks to him for guidelines, and since he is the project leader he is expected to make final decisions and have the most responsibility. If the customer is not happy in the end, it will be his fault. While he likes that his boss trusts him, he finds it adding on to the feeling that he has lost all his inspiration and drive he used to have.

As he sits at his office trying to catch a moment for himself in between meetings with the client and his co-workers asking for his advice, his mind travels to his and Isak’s date. He remembers what Isak said when Even revealed that he didn’t really enjoy his job anymore. He wishes it was that simple, that he could just quit and start at film school to make his dream of becoming a director come true. He wonders what his parents would say, what Ellie would say, if he told them he was quitting his job to start at uni. They’d probably think he was slipping, that this idea belonged to a manic episode, but the truth is, Even has dreamed of quitting his job for a long time now. The only thing that keeps him from doing so, is the fact that he can’t let his family down. They have all been there for him to make sure he can have the life he has now and he can’t disappoint them. Therefore he pushes the thoughts to the back of his mind and smiles when there is a knock on the door and his quiet moment is interrupted once again.

He gets home a bit later than usual, and by the time he walks inside the kitchen is an absolute mess. Apparently Ellie has been baking something but hasn’t bothered to clean up after herself like she usually does.

Even puts down his bag with a sigh and kicks off his shoes. It’s been a long day, and he’s not up for arguing with Ellie over the dishes. He just wants to take a shower and go to bed. Instead he walks over to Ellie’s closed door and knocks on it carefully. When she doesn’t answer he decides to step inside anyway.

She’s sitting on her bed, legs drawn to her chest, and her sketch book resting on her lap. She looks up when he enters and unplugs her headphones.

“Uh, hi, dad,” she says and looks down again.

“Hi,” he says. “I just got home. Have you eaten or?”

He looks around in the room. It’s a complete mess with piles of laundry on the floor

She just nods.

“So maybe you can clean up in the kitchen?” he asks.

She takes a while to answer and he can feel the frustration grow.

“Ellie?” he says impatiently.

“Yeah, whatever, I’ll clean it later.” she says.

He frowns. She seems more moody than usual, but he closes the door behind him and leaves her alone. He will talk to her in the morning if something else seems off. He takes a quick shower before heading to bed. It’s only 8 pm but after today he feels exhausted. He lies awake in his bed for a while, trying to unwind.

 

It’s been ages since all of them got together and just hung out so Even feels ecstatic when he receives the text from Mikael. He’s not seen his best friend in awhile either because he has spent almost all his time with Isak instead. It’d be good seeing his friends though, especially after his demanding week at work.

 

 

**Hey, just talked to the boys**  
**They are all free on saturday**  
**and Mutta invited us all to his**  
**place. Even Yousef is coming.**  
**Please tell me you can come?**

 

 **Hi, yeah sounds great.**  
**I’ll be there for sure.**  
**I’m giving Ellie a ride to**  
**the bus station in the morning**  
**but then I’m free.**  
 

 

**Awesome! I’ll let them**  
**know :)**

**-**

The next two days go by slowly. On Wednesday, Ellie is still off and barely speaks to him in the morning, and in the afternoon she texts him to let him know she won’t be home until late. However, on Thursday, she returns to her normal self and greets Even with a smile when she walks into the kitchen in the morning. She and Even cook and eat dinner together just like they always do and she is talkative and in a good mood going off about her ski trip. Afterwards they watch a movie sprawled out on the couch together with Ellie’s legs resting on Even’s lap and wrapped in a soft blanket.

Valentine's Day is a Friday this year and Even wishes he could say that he didn’t care about a holiday like this but he does. He has always secretly liked these kinds of holidays, and even if it has been years since he had an actual date for Valentine’s he’s always loved seeing other people happy. He has Isak now and therefore it sucks that Isak is stuck at work the entire weekend and he won’t get to see Isak before winter break begins next week. He’s already planned the whole week in his head. A whole week of it just being the two of them with the exception of work and uni, but Even is thinking of taking a few days off. He will finally be able to spend the whole night with Isak and not have to worry about making excuses to Ellie, because Ellie will be gone the whole week, skiing with Ida and two other friends.

He stands outside the restaurant, waiting for Isak to finish his shift. It’s absolutely freezing and he has forgotten his gloves in the car. He buries his right hand deep into his pocket, the other one clutching the small bouquet of roses he has bought for Isak. He tugs at the sleeve with his teeth, trying to cover his hand as much as possible. He feels crazy for doing something like this. Almost like a kid sneaking out at night without permission.

Isak should be out any minute now, and he carefully looks through the window. The restaurant has already closed, but he can see Isak and two others working together to get everything ready for closing. He has already texted Isak to let him know he is here, because the last thing he wants to do is expose Isak to all his co-workers. Therefore he stands a few meters away with his head buried in his phone and the flowers hidden behind his back, watching a few of them walk out.

A few minutes later the door opens again and a confused looking Isak steps out.

“What are you doing here?” Isak says and watches around him to make sure no one is around before he closes the distance between them.

“It’s still Valentine’s” Even mumbles as Isak gives him a hug and a quick kiss. “These are for you, by the way.”

Even holds out the flowers and Isak takes them in his hand, a smile spreading on his face. He brings them to his face.

“They are beautiful,” he mumbles. “Thank you!”

Then Isak’s eyes move towards Even’s bare hands and he quickly grabs Even’s left one in his and squeezes it.

“Your hands are freezing,” he exclaims worriedly. “How long have you been waiting?”

Isak brings Even’s hand to his face and blows on it carefully.

“A while,” Even shrugs. “Don’t worry. My hands are fine. I just wanted to see you”

Even guides Isak to where he has parked his car a few blocks away. Isak babbles on about his night and the countless of couples he has had to serve during his shift. Even just walks in silence, enjoying hearing Isak talk and feeling Isak’s hand in his.

“We even had a proposal,” Isak says.

“Yeah?” Even says. “How did it go?”

Isak snorts.

“It was one of these weird ass proposals where the guy hid the ring in a glass of champagne. Luckily I didn’t have to serve them. Like what if I had slipped and spilled it all over the girl or something.”

Even laughs.

“But did the girl say yes?” he asks curiously.

“Yeah she did and everyone was clapping and stuff. It was weird.” Isak continues.

Even laughs and stops walking.

“I think your friend Jonas is a bad influence on you. How is a guy supposed to impress you if you are like this?” Even teases.

Isak stands in front of him and looks him in the eye.

“Like what?” he whispers as he gives Even’s lips a peck.

“I don’t know, blasé? indifferent? generally unimpressed by romantic gestures?” Even says in between kisses.

“You impress me though. You are the most impressive guy I’ve ever met.”

They end up taking Even’s car to Mcdonalds where they share a nine pack of chicken nuggets and a strawberry milkshake surrounded by teenagers and screaming children. It might not be the most romantic Valentine’s date in the world, especially not when a girl at the table beside them accidentally spills her drink all over Even’s shoes, but Even can swear it’s the best one he’s ever had.

“You can have the last one,” Isak comments and pushes the box containing the last chicken nugget towards Even.

“Wow, I didn’t know this was a scene from Lady and the Tramp,” Even replies cheekily as he accepts Isak’s offer and pops the nugget into his mouth.

“Oh shut up,” Isak mutters, but he blushes slightly as he sips on their shared milkshake.

-

It's a rare occasion that all five of the boys have time to see each other at the same time. Most often it's just him and Mikael and maybe Adam or Mutta. Tonight, though, they have all gathered together in Mutta’s apartment. Even Yousef is there, since his wife had taken their kids to her mother for the weekend.

They had all met when they started Bakka together, and even if the others had already known each other Even had soon found his spot in the group. His life had sort of been turned upside down during that summer when Sonja realised she was pregnant and had decided to keep the baby. Even had of course vowed to stay by her side during everything, but once he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder it became impossible for him to be there for her. By the end of summer he had barely gotten back on his feet. They started school together that autumn, the school promising to make things work for Sonja the best way possible in the hope that she would be able to stay as long as possible and only have to repeat one semester.

Mikael and the others had been very welcoming, and both Sonja and him had soon found friends at Bakka despite being soon to be teenage parents. Ellie was born in december the same year and Sonja had dropped out of school in order to take care of her. Even had continued to go to school, and tried his best to balance high school with his newborn daughter. It wasn’t easy, but his friends and parents made it possible. But despite them being there for him and Sonja, they couldn’t stop the manic and depressive episodes from occurring, and when Ellie was three years old and Even only had a month or so left before graduating, things had gone to hell. As a result, he hadn’t seen his friends until two years later, when Sonja had left and things were at rock bottom again.

They had found their way back to each other when he and Ellie had run into Elias one afternoon at the grocery store. After that he had started to hang out with Elias first and then Mikael and the others. It was as if nothing had happened.

Now Even stands next to Elias in the kitchen, while the rest of their friends are laughing together in the living room. Elias looks tired, dark circles underneath his eyes, and Even feels guilty for not reaching out to his friend and ask him how he is doing. He knows things have been rough for Elias and his fiancé ever since she got pregnant. Sara had had a few scary complications just around Christmas and had been hospitalised for quite a bit. Even had managed to send Elias a few texts and called him on a few occasions, but other than that he hasn’t had time to see Elias.

“How are you?” Even asks. “How is Sara?”

Elias looks up with a tired looking smile.

“I’m okay. Things are finally looking up, and Sara is doing a lot better. It’s just stressful you know. We really thought we were going to lose our baby, and I hated seeing Sara like that. It makes you feel so powerless, and at times I just wished I could take away her pain, you know, and switch places with her. She is doing better now, but she won’t go back to work before the baby is born. I’m still scared, and I keep waking up several times every night just to make sure everything is alright. That she is still safe. She actually forced me out of the house tonight because I didn’t want to leave her. I think she was looking forward to a night to herself though.”

Even nods as he listens to his friend talk.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” he starts. “I wish I had been a better friend, but I’m glad you are doing better now. All of you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Elias says. “As I said, everything is alright at the moment, and I had my family and Sara’s family too. Your texts and phone calls were more than enough.”

Even can feel some of his guilt ebb away at his friend’s reassuring words.

“So are you excited to become a parent?” he asks and watches Elias’ entire face lit up.

“I can’t wait,” Elias says. “It just feels surreal, and now that everything is looking up, it’s starting to sink in. I’m going to be a dad. How sick is that?”

“You are going to be a great dad,” Even says. “I remember how you were with Ellie when she was a baby. Such a softie.”

Elias smiles.

“I’m going to look to you for advice,” he says seriously. “You are the expert after all.”

“Trust me, you are never an expert,” Even laughs. “It’s just a matter of trial and error really,”

Elias nods attentively.

“By the time the baby is born, more of us will have kids than not,” he says. “How strange is that?”

“We’ve grown up,” Even says. “I guess that is the explanation.”

The two of them are quiet for a bit, but then Elias clears his throat.

“Do you wanna know a secret?” he asks.

Even silently nods.

“We are having a boy” Elias reveals, and Even immediately gives Elias a hug.

“Wow, that’s amazing. Congratulations,” Even says.

Him and Sonja had not known the gender of their baby, but Sonja had firmly held onto the thought that she was having a girl, and she had been right. The moment the doctor revealed the baby’s gender had been the happiest moment in Even’s life.  

“Thank you. We’ve not told anyone yet. Besides our families of course, and I’m pretty sure Sara has told a few of her friends too.”

“Wow,” Even breathes. “I feel honoured.”

It’s funny how quickly things can change. One moment, Even is laughing together with Elias, Mutta and Adam. The next, Yousef walks in with Even’s phone in his hand and throws it at Even.

“Your phone keeps going off. Someone called Isak keeps texting you.”

Even’s sure his heart stops beating for a moment. Yousef looks at him with a soft, teasing expression but Even can’t form words. Elias, Mutta and Adam have stopped laughing and are now looking at him curiously.

“Who’s Isak?” Adam asks innocently.

They are not ready yet. They were supposed to have more time. But he can’t very well lie to his friends either, and by the look on Yousef’s face he has seen, or accidently read some of Isak’s texts and knows what’s going on. Even clears his throat, feeling himself blush slightly.

“Are you blushing?” Elias says.

In that exact moment Mikael returns from the bathroom. He freezes in the doorway at the scene in front of him. Four excited looking faces and Even in the middle of it, panicking and blushing at the same time.

“What’s going on?” Mikael asks.

“Oh Even was just about to tell us about a guy who keeps texting him,” Adam says unhelpfully and Even wishes Adam would just shut up for once in his life.

At least Yousef seems to finally notice Even’s discomfort, because he looks at him and gives him an apologetic look.

“You don’t have to tell us,” he says. “I didn’t mean to put pressure on you or whatever. I was just joking.”

“What is going on?” Mikael repeats.

All eyes are once again turned to Even.

“We were just talking about a guy who texts Even a lot,” Adam continues and he is apparently the most dense person in the world. “His name is Isak and I think Even really likes him.”

Even bites his lip and watches Mikael’s reaction. Mikael is sharp and he will make the connection.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Mikael says. “You’re texting Isak? That waiter you flirted with at that restaurant? How long has this been going on? Seriously?”

“What?” Adam and Mutta say.

So Even forces himself to tell his friends everything. How he spotted Isak and instantly thought he was the most beautiful person ever, and how after they had talked to each other he just knew he wanted to get to know Isak. He talks about their first kiss and their dates, and how he has fallen completely in love with Isak. He tells them that Isak is 20 years old.  Neither of his friends interrupts him and once he is finished he looks up.

“Congratulations!” Elias is the first one to speak.

“That’s great, Even,” Yousef adds.

Mikael looks sceptical though and it hurts.

“Honestly, Even? he’s a nineteen year old boy,” he says. “How is it supposed to work out?  He’s a fucking kid, Even.”

“He’s twenty,” Even says fraily as if that piece of information will make Mikael change his opinion but it hurts that Mikael doesn’t even listen to him.

“Yeah well he’s still a kid. You’ve been going out for a few weeks. What does he think of Ellie? What does Ellie think about him?”

Even sighs.

“He doesn’t know about her yet.” Even starts. “We’ve just been taking things slow. I don’t want to move too fast and scare him off. I want to be sure before I tell him.”

“This is exactly what I mean,” Mikael says and though his voice is a bit gentler, it still hurts the way he talks to Even as if these aren’t doubts Even already has.

“He’s a kid and you are a dad to a teenager. It’s not going to work. If you can’t even tell him about her, then how is it going to work out. I don’t want you to end up hurt when he’s had enough fun and realises you and him want different things.”

Even has suddenly had enough.

“I know how old Isak is, okay? I know Isak’s personality because I talk to him every day and he’s amazing. He makes me laugh, and I feel like we have so much to talk about and I feel like he really gets me. When I’m with him I don’t think that he’s 20 and that I shouldn’t like him because I’m too old. When I’m with him I feel happy, and I don’t think about things at all. I know it’s only been a few weeks but I’ve never felt like this before.”

He pauses and looks at his friends. They are all quiet, expecting him to continue.

“It would be nice if you could support me. I need my friends, so it would be really nice if you could not judge me. We don’t need our friends telling us how weird or bad it is, and how we shouldn’t be together at all.”

Even just needs a break so he stands up from the couch and leaves all his friends. Once he reaches Mutta’s bedroom, he sinks down on the neatly made bed. He buries his head in his hands and lets out a frustrated sigh. A few minutes later there is a knock on the door and Adam peeks inside.

“Hey,” he mumbles. “Can I come in?”

Even nods.

“Look I’m sorry for what happened. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I was just excited for you. It’s been a long time since you went out with someone and did something for yourself.”

“It’s okay,” Even mutters.

He knows Adam meant no harm and that he sometimes is a bit dense.

“I’m still happy for you. I don’t care how old Isak is, as long as he is over 18 of course. The others don’t care either. Neither does Mikael.”

“Yeah, I don’t know,” Even says tiredly.

Adam sits down next to him and the bed makes a small dip.

”He doesn’t- He looks out for you and he wants what’s best for you. He doesn’t want to see you hurt but it came out wrong, okay. He feels really bad about it. We would never judge you for who you fall in love with as long as you are happy, okay?”

Even walks home after his talk with Adam, not feeling in a mood for a guys night anymore. Instead he is feeling slightly defeated even though almost all of them had reacted in a good way and had shown their support.  However, Mikael, whose opinion and support Even values the most, does not. Maybe it had been too much to hope for, to have his best friend support him because Mikael knows just how lonely Even feels at times and how much he has hoped to find love again. After so long he had kind of settled for the life he already had: a life that was all he needed and filled with things that made him happy but still had him secretly and silently ache for more. Since then Isak has literally swept him off his feet with his presence and made Even feel hope again.

It hurts, because a part of him knows that Mikael is right. How can they expect things to work out between them? How can they pretend that their age difference won’t be an issue in the end? How can he guarantee that Isak will want to stay with him when he tells him about Ellie? People have left for that reason before, so why would Isak be any different? Isak, is smart, beautiful and funny. He could probably get anyone he wanted and the guy would be the luckiest person on earth. So why would he settle for Even?

He comes home to an empty and dark apartment. The door to Ellie’s room is open but the room is empty and quiet. Even throws himself on the couch, ignoring his phone ringing. He knows it will be one of the boys, most likely Yousef or Elias. He doesn’t want to talk to them right now. He rubs harshly at his eyes with his hands in frustration, and in the darkness he lets the tears fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :) I hope you liked it. Please let me know what you thought in the comments, it would mean a lot to me. 
> 
> So yeah Even and Isak deepend their relationship and spent alot of time together and whenever they do things feel so right. But then Even also doubts himself and struggles with having to lie and keep it from Ellie. He also feel very pressured at work which adds to his stress. He can sort of forget it when he is with Isak because he is in love but when he is not he starts thinking too much. 
> 
> And Even finally spent sometimes with all his friends. I love writing them even if I wonder how well I can portray 30-year old men. And Even's relationship with Isak is finally in the open despite them wanting to prolong it and keep it a secret. Despite most of them reacting in a good way, Even was very hurt by Mikaels reaction which is understandable.  
> Did you expect Mikael to react in the way he did? What do you think Even will do next? and waht about Ellies mood? I also promise that Even will tell Isak about Ellie soon. I'm sorry if it feels like he is dragging it on but it is because he fears their reaction and he kind of tries to push it away for now. He just wants to be in love with Isak and go on dates with him.


	9. 21:21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! 
> 
> Thank you so much to all of you for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos. It means the world to me :) I love hearing from you! Just like in the last chapter a lot of things happen in this and it is the longest one yet. I hope you don't mind. 
> 
> Thank you Steffi for helping me through this chapter <3 don't know how I managed without you!

“What’s going on?”

Even has been quiet the whole time they have seen each other, and while Isak tries to pretend that everything is okay by babbling uselessly about today’s lecture he can’t ignore Even’s silence anymore. He’s scared that he’s done something wrong but he can’t figure out what. They had had such a sweet date on Valentine’s Day when Even had surprised him after his shift, so it doesn’t make sense that there would be something wrong. Especially considering they haven’t seen each other and the only contact they have had is a few texts but even they have been fewer than normal.

“Is it something I did?” Isak asks nervously.

That seems to get a reaction out of Even because he quickly looks at Isak and shakes his head.

“No, baby, don’t think that,” he says. “Things have just been stressful lately.”

Isak nods. He knows how that feels but he doesn’t like seeing Even like this.

“You can talk to me,” Isak says and tries to sound reassuring.

“Actually, can we take a walk?” Even asks.

They are currently sitting in a small café, nursing a cup of coffee each. It’s already dark outside and in the light from the street light Isak can see that it’s snowing heavily. He doesn’t really wanna leave the warm and cosy atmosphere but Even seems very eager to go, so he nods and finishes the last of his coffee.

It’s cold outside and Isak buries his face into his scarf as the two of them start walking. He lets Even lead their way and they end up at a park. It’s empty except for them, and he can feel Even tightening his grip on Isak’s hand.

“So my friends kind of found out about us,” Even says and Isak can tell that he’s nervous by the way his voice quavers.

Isak can feel his own heart beat faster. Even has talked a lot about his friends and how they have known each other since they were in high school.

“Okay,” he says. “How did it go? What did they say?”

“They were mostly supportive and happy for me. I mean most of them, but Mikael kind of reacted badly.”

“Oh,” Isak says. “What did he say then?”

Even sighs and lets go of Isak’s hand.

“Just that you are too young and that it won’t work. That we don’t have anything in common and that things have happened too quickly. Pretty much that I’m crazy and stupid.”

“Oh,” Isak repeats, unsure what to say.

It makes sense in a way, and if there is anyone in this world who knows Even it’s probably Mikael. In a lot of ways Mikael seems to be Even’s Jonas. The best friend that has been there through the bad stuff and always stayed.

“It made me angry at first, and I told him we didn’t need him to judge us. But then I got home and I started thinking that maybe he’s right. We’ve only known each other for a little while. How can we possibly know? I’m 32, almost 33 and you are 20 years old. It would make so much more sense if you dated someone at university who’s your own age. That way you have all this time to discover the world and travel and things. I’m in the middle of my career and I can’t do things like that. I can’t give you what you deserve. Maybe we are too different. That’s all.”

Isak feels like he might cry.

“I don’t want anyone else, though. I don’t want some guy from uni. I want you. I don’t want to travel around the world anyway. I just want to be with you. Wherever that is,” he says desperately and holds on to Even’s hand like it is his lifeline.

“I want to be with you too, of course I want to,” Even says. “I want that more than anything,  and I told Mikael and the others how happy you make me and that it feels like you understand me better than anyone else.”

There are snowflakes on Even’s eyelashes, and his cheeks are rosy from the cold.

“It feels like that for me too.” Isak says. “Can’t that be enough?”

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me,” Even mumbles, looking away from Isak as they continue to walk.

Isak focuses on the snow on the ground. The wind feels cold despite his many layers and Even’s hand in his is the only thing keeping him grounded.

Once they reach Isak’s apartment the two of them are cold to the bone and Isak shivers violently as he gets out of his clothes. His fingers and toes feel ice cold and he can see that his socks are wet. He really needs better shoes for the Norwegian winter.

“Come here,” Even mumbles.

Isak looks up and finds Even standing next to him, looking just as miserable as Isak feels. The other man holds out his hand and Isak takes it and lets Even pull him close to his chest and wrap his arms around him.

“You are freezing,” Even whispers into Isak’s ear as he rubs Isak’s back caringly. “Let’s get you warmed up.”

20 minutes later they are both bundled up in Isak’s bed together, after Isak has had a shower and Even has made them both some tea and some cheese toasties. Even is dressed in one of Isak’s favourite hoodies which makes him look younger than Isak has ever seen him.

“Do you want to talk about it, about Mikael I mean?” Isak asks carefully.

Even shakes his head resolutely.

“Right now I don’t care about what he thinks,” he says. “Something this good can’t be wrong,  right?”

“Mm,” Isak says.

“I just want to spend the night with you,” Even mumbles.

“Do you want to watch something?” Isak asks after they have finished their tea and the cheese toasties are long gone. He’s still a bit cold but lying next to Even has warmed him up significantly.

“Yeah sure,” Even says. “What do you want to watch?”

“Whatever there is on Netflix,” Isak suggests. “A comedy or something. You are the movie nerd after all.”

Even chuckles and after today it feels like the best sound in the world.

“Me? A nerd?” he laughs.

“Yeah, you were about to dump me because you thought I didn’t know who Jack Nicholson is.” Isak laughs. “I think that’s pretty nerdy.”

“I’m passionate,” Even states. “There’s a difference.”

Isak rolls his eyes.

“What’s the difference?” he asks.

“Nerds only like boring stuff,” Even jokes. “Like maths and biology.”

“What the fuck?! I love biology.” Isak exclaims. “It’s the most fascinating subject.”

Even laughs and kisses Isak’s cheek.

“That’s because you are a nerd,” he says. “I like it though. I love how smart you are.”

“Whatever,” Isak mutters as he crawls closer to Even. “Just pick a movie you are passionate about.”

They should probably talk more about Mikael, telling people about their relationship and what this means for them. But if Even doesn’t want to, Isak is not going to force him. Instead he leans his head on Even’s shoulder as the other man browses through netflix.

As Isak lies on Even’s shoulder listening to the other man talk his way through the whole movie, commenting every scene, he can’t help feeling like he’s not being honest with Even about who he really is. No matter how hard he tries to ignore the stupid thoughts and focus on Even’s enthusiastic babble, the thoughts come back to him. Even an hour after the movie has ended and the two of them just lie in silence, cuddling closely together, the thoughts won’t go away.

“There is something you need to know about me too,” Isak whispers.

“What?” Even mumbles into Isak’s hair.

Isak can feel Even’s strong arms around his body, tightening their hold on him.

“I’m scared that it will make you not like me anymore,” Isak says.

He’s so fucking scared but Even deserves the truth. So far Even has been nothing but honest with him and so he deserves Isak’s honesty back. And well, if Even never wants to see Isak again after tonight Isak can’t really blame him.

“I’m fucked up, and I’m not a good person,” he starts.

Even moves slightly and gently but firmly readjusts Isak’s body so that they are now facing each other.

“Don’t say that,” he mumbles and presses a kiss to Isak’s forehead. “It makes me sad.”

“Sorry,” Isak sighs.

“Don’t apologise.” Even whispers and runs his fingers through Isak’s hair. “We don’t have to talk about this tonight. Whatever it is, it can wait until tomorrow.”

Isak wishes it could, because they have already had a heavy conversation today and he doesn’t want to ruin their night even more, but he knows he will have to tell Even eventually anyway. It wouldn’t be fair of him to keep it a secret just so that he can hold on to Even longer.

“Do you remember what I said about the parallel universes?” Isak says, tilting his head backwards to look Even in the eye.

He can barely make out Even’s face in the dark.

“Yeah,” Even breathes and his breath warms Isak’s cheek. “I do.”

“It’s just in this universe I’m not a particularly good person and I’ve done a lot of shitty things….” His voice quivers for a second and he swallows against the lump in his throat. “And it feels like a lot of bad things keep happening to me because of that. Because I’m a bad person.”

Even kisses his lips softly, traces through his hair, and hugs him tightly.

“Talk to me, Isak.”

So Isak tells Even everything. He tells Even about his parents and Lea, how he grew up with a family that never cared. How he longed for his parents’ attention until he learned that he would never get it, no matter how hard he tried. He tells Even that Lea left and never came back. He tells him about his mother’s illness and that his dad left one day to live with his new girlfriend he had met online. He tells Even about how he tried to take care of his mother, how he did his best but that it wasn’t enough. He tells Even about the sleepless nights he spent trying to make sure she didn’t hurt herself. He tells Even that he gave up on her and abandoned her just like his father did, and that he keeps ignoring her phone calls and messages, pretending that she doesn’t exist.

“I tried to be there for her and help her, but she didn’t want my help. She didn’t want anyone’s help because in her mind there was nothing wrong with her. I should have tried harder, though, and I should have gotten her help anyway. Maybe if I had she wouldn’t be so bad now. I should-“

“Shh,” Even hushes. “It’s not your fault. You did your best and it was never your job to take care of her in the first place. No child should have to go through that.”

Maybe he is crying because Even is wiping his face and kissing his cheeks.

He tells Even about his crush on Jonas and how he betrayed Eva because he couldn’t stand watching his best friend look at someone else with that much love on his face. He tells Even about the raging and burning jealousy he had felt, and how he until this date never had had the courage to tell Jonas the truth. He tells Even he is a coward.

He tells Even how he led girls on because he was too afraid to come out of the closet, and how he kept his sexuality a secret until he simply couldn’t anymore because he was practically shoved out of the closet. He tells Even how he pushed everyone away when they tried to help him. He tells Even about things he has not told anyone, not even Jonas. He tells Even about the nights he can’t sleep, about the way the collar of his shirt sometimes chokes him, and that he sometimes can’t eat in the morning because the thought of food makes him want to throw up. He tells Even about how lonely he feels and how it feels like everyone has already found their place in the universe while he’s still struggling to make it through the day. He tells Even that he’s not the most important person in anyone’s life and that no one will choose him, how it feels like no one loves him.

He closes his eyes and now he’s definitely crying, because he draws a hitched breath and Even hushes him quietly. The other man ignores his snotty face as he places a soft, comforting kiss on Isak’s lips. Isak continues to cry and Even holds on to him with strong arms.

“Don’t leave,” Isak sobs.

“I won’t leave you,” Even says calmly. “Just get some rest, baby. I’ll stay with you.”

Isak is scared to fall asleep despite Even’s promise to stay with him, but after tonight he feels absolutely exhausted, and despite trying to stay awake next to Even’s warm body he can feel himself drift off to sleep.

-

He wakes with a start some time later and it takes a few seconds for him to register that Even is still lying next to him, staring at him in the dark and touching his cheek.

“Sorry,” Even whispers as Isak settles down again and sinks back into his pillow.

“I thought you left,” Isak says.

“I’m still here,” Even says and touches Isak’s lip. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Isak closes his eyes for a few seconds.

“What time is it?” he mumbles.

“Just after 2 am. I woke up a little while ago to go to the bathroom. I just couldn’t fall back asleep because you are just too beautiful.”

“I’m not,” Isak blushes.

“You are, you are super hot,” Even whispers and leans over Isak and kisses him deeply. “The hottest guy I know.”

Isak moans as Even kisses his neck .

-

Sadly the university doesn’t allow for a winter break and while everyone else in Oslo seems to go on vacation, and while Isak doesn’t have any lectures he does have a small exam to prepare for which means that he has to study. He’s very happy that he’s managed to reconnect with Sana because Nils and Alfred are not particularly interested in studying in advance and have both disappeared on a ski trip. Isak is pretty sure the German exchange student is going as well.

Isak says goodbye to Even at the tram stop in the morning after they have had breakfast together at kaffebrenneriet.  

“I’ll see you later,” Even whispers as Isak’s tram arrives.

He runs into the library a few minutes late and Sana gives him a rather unimpressed look as he dumps his backpack on a free chair.

“You’re late,” Sana says.

“Yeah sorry,” Isak mutters as he unpacks his backpack and settles down next to her.

“Whatever,” she smirks. “Have you read the pages I texted you about? I was thinking we could ask each other questions?”

“Yeah sure,” Isak mumbles. “Sounds good!”

He and Sana study together for a few hours until Even picks him up after work and the two of them head home to Isak’s apartment. Isak thinks he could get used to walking with Even in the grocery store and have the older man cook dinner in Isak’s small kitchen while Isak’s  studying.

“You are so tense, baby,” Even comments and steps behind Isak as he sits curled up on his couch with his book on his lap. He shivers slightly and sighs contently when Even brings his hands up to Isak’s stiff shoulders and massages them. “You need to stop studying so hard. It’s not good for you.”

“I have to study if I want to become a doctor,” Isak says.

“Yeah, but right now I need your help in the kitchen,” Even says as he continues to massage Isak’s shoulders.

Isak lets himself be dragged into the kitchen by Even and ends up sitting on the counter as Even cooks. It’s fascinating to see Even cook because whereas Isak cooks for survival, Even seems to actually enjoy what he is doing and ever so often he lets Isak try his sauce that he is working on.

“Is it good?” he asks eagerly.  “Maybe some more salt?”

“It’s good,” Isak confirms. “It doesn’t need anything else.”  

“Hm, maybe another clove of garlic though?” Even mumbles to himself.

“Do you want me to set the table?” Isak asks since he can tell Even is not completely happy yet and that it will probably take another ten minutes until Even is fully satisfied.

Even stops in his tracks and cups Isak’s face in his hands.

“That would be great,” he says and gives Isak a quick kiss.

-

“Do you have to go to work?” Isak whines as Even leaves bed at 7 in the morning.

“Yes I do, sadly. But I can take the day off on Friday and we can have the whole day together.” Even mumbles as he gets dressed.

Isak stays curled up under the duvet. He’s not meeting Sana today so he’ll definitely take the opportunity to stay in bed. His sleeping has been much better the last few weeks but he’s still not going to say no to a few extra hours in bed.

“I’ll come back later tonight,” Even says once he’s ready. “Have a nice day.”

He lets Even kiss him goodbye before he takes his phone from the nightstand. He’s barely touched it in the last few days Even and him have spent together. The boys have been talking in the group chat during the night and as Isak scrolls through it, he notices that Jonas is still online.

**Hi**

**Hey! What’s up?**

**I’m good. Just woke up.  
** How are you?  


  **Good, man. Where have you been**  
**Anyway? It’s like you’ve been wiped**  
**off of internet or something. Is**  
**Everything alright?**

Isak wonders if he should just tell Jonas what’s going on. That the reason why he’s been absent is because he’s met the man of his dreams. He wonders what Jonas would say. He’d been so incredibly chill when Isak had come out and had spent way too much time in high school trying to make sure that Isak was alright. Even has already told his friends with mixed outcomes but if Isak is going to tell anyone he wants it to be on his terms. When he’s ready. He’s just not there yet.

 

**Yeah, just busy with uni.**

**Are you sure?**

 

He hates lying to Jonas but he keeps doing it all the time anyway. It’s just the way it’s always been between them. Jonas will show his concern and Isak will brush it off, and lie to not make Jonas worry. It always ends with Isak telling Jonas anyway when everything comes crashing down around him.

 

**Yeah, I promise.**

 

 **Okay but you’ll let**  
**me know right?**

**I’m worried about you!**

**You don’t have to be!**  
**I’m fine.**

 **Okay, I trust you.**  
**I have to go now but**  
**we should talk soon!**

He spends a few hours studying and taking notes before he decides to clean the apartment and make it nice for when Even gets home. The apartment has probably not been properly cleaned in ages so it is about time. He vacuum cleans the whole apartment, including the couch, and when he is done he changes the sheets and deep cleans the whole kitchen. He is sweaty and gross by the time he is finished, but it’s all worth it because he needs to show Even that he’s not just a stupid kid who Even can’t rely on. He wants to show Even that he’s serious about this. So far their week together has been great, but it’s also had a heavy start and Isak knows how tired Even will be by the time he gets home from work and he wants everything to be ready when Even gets back. He might not be the best cook and he will never be able to cook something as nice as the meal Even made them yesterday, but he can at least go out of his way to try.

-

Isak feels nervous as him and Even park Even’s car outside Yousef’s house. It doesn’t matter how many times Even has reassured him that they will like him. He’s still nervous and scared that they won’t.

“It’ll be fine,” Even laughs when he notices Isak’s hesitation to get out of the car.

The older man places his hand on the small of Isak’s back as the two of them walk towards the front door. On the ride over to Yousef’s house Even has tried his best to tell Isak a bit about his friends, but Isak still feels scared that he’s going to get them mixed up or something.

The guy that opens the door is definitely Yousef though, and he’s carrying a toddler on his arm.

“Hi, welcome,” he says as he steps aside to let them in. “I’m Yousef”

“Isak,” Isak replies as he shakes his hand.

The toddler looks at Isak with scared eyes and Isak is unsure if he should greet the baby or not. He’s never been good with children and every interaction with them just makes him nervous.

“This is Alma. She can be a bit shy around new people but just let her come to you,” Yousef says friendly and tickles the baby on the stomach, causing her to giggle.

“Oh, okay,” Isak says.

“You know Even, though,” Yousef says as he offers Even Alma, who takes her in his arms happily and bumps her up and down carefully.

“I can’t believe how much she’s grown since I last saw her,” Even says. “She’s getting big.”

“I know,” Yousef says.

Isak feels incredibly out of place all of a sudden and he fumbles with his phone.

“Come in, the others are already here.”

Yousef leads them to the living room that is occupied by three other men. Isak recognises Mikael sitting in one of the armchairs. He’s pretty sure the other ones are Mutta and Adam, because he remembers Even mentioning that Elias would not be there. They all look up as Isak enters the room.

“Hi, man! You are Isak, right?”

Adam and Mutta immediately stand up, and Mutta is the one to reach out his hand first.

“I’m Mutta,”

“Isak!”

Isak then turns towards Adam.

“Hi, Adam!” Adam says and offers his hand.

“Hi, nice to meet you,” Isak says.

By now Even has also joined them in the living room and has let Alma down on the floor. Mikael is still staying seated and Isak is unsure what to do. Even places his hands on Isak’s shoulders.

“Hey, you’ve all met Isak right?” he asks.

All of them nod, including Mikael who, now that Isak has had time to study him, looks just as nervous as Isak. He bites his lips and looks from Isak to the others.

“Yeah,” he finally says, a nervous smile playing on his lips. “We met a few weeks ago. Though we never introduced ourselves.”

Even though he doesn’t move from the armchair he stretches out his hand and Isak leans forward to shake it.

“Isak, as you already know,” Isak says.

Isak joins Mutta and Adam on the couch while Even plays with Alma and Mikael helps Yousef in the kitchen. They are easy to get along with and seem very interested in Isak, and he spends the next 15 minutes answering all of their questions and discussing football which seems to be a common interest between the three of  them. Isak can’t help but steal glances in Even’s direction every now and then. His boyfriend is sitting on the floor, his long legs stretched out in front of him and Alma sitting opposite of him, cheering as they build a tower out of multi coloured blocks that they then proceed to tear down. Alma squeaks in excitement every time and Even looks just as happy.

It’s cute watching Even like that, and even if Isak doesn’t really like children himself he can tell Even definitely does. Even catches him looking at them and gives Isak a happy smile.

“You are sweet together,” Mutta comments.

“Even is really happy,” Adam continues.

Yousef puts Alma down for the night upstairs and after that the six of them have dinner together. It’s easy to understand why Even likes his friends so much. They are talkative and funny, and Isak can tell that they have known each other for a long time. They joke around with each other and waste no time in finding their most embarrassing stories about Even to share with Isak. Isak beams as he watches Even blush and grabs his hand underneath the table.  

It’s a little after 11 pm by the time they get in the car again.

“Your friends are really nice,” Isak says as they start driving towards Isak’s place again,  where Even has been staying the entire week.“I get why you like them so much.”

“Yeah they are really amazing,” Even says. “We’ve been through a lot together. I don’t know what I would have done without them.”  

Isak nods. He wishes he had friends like that which is unfair because he does. He’s just not good at maintaining friendships, and he really misses the days when they could all just hang out in school together before everyone got on with their lives.

“What’s on your mind, baby?” Even asks when he notices how quiet Isak is.

Isak shrugs.

“It’s nothing really. I just miss my own friends a bit.”

Even frowns.

“You said that Mahdi still lives in Oslo, though. Why don’t you just text him? I’m sure he’d be happy to hear from you.”

Isak shrugs again.

“Yeah maybe. I’m just not sure I could take it if he doesn’t want to hang out with me.” he mumbles.

“Why wouldn’t he?” Even tries.

“Things are just not the way they used to be. People move on. He has his new friends at uni that I know he really likes hanging out with. We just hang out if Magnus and Jonas are in town so…”

“But that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t want to see you. Maybe he’s thinking the same about you?”

“I don’t know,” Isak says quietly. “Anyway what did Mikael say?”

He really doesn’t want to talk about Mahdi anymore, and even if he knows Even means well he’s not in the mood for the conversation anymore. Besides, he really wants to know what’s up with Even’s best friend.  

During the dinner Mikael had been quiet and he hadn’t participated in the conversation like the others. He hadn’t exactly been hostile either because he had smiled and laughed with the others. For all Isak knows, Mikael could just be shy. When they were about to leave Mikael had pulled Even to the side and the two of them had disappeared into the kitchen, where they had stayed for over twenty minutes.

“He just apologised for last time and we talked about a few things,” Even says flatley. “ What do you want to do tomorrow?”

-

Isak wakes up in the morning to Even kissing his cheek.

“Wake up, baby!” Even says cheerfully and Isak groans.

“Why are you so happy? It’s too early!”

He buries his head in the pillow and tries to pull the cover over his head, but Even grabs it and pulls it off. He had had trouble falling asleep after he and Even had gotten home from the dinner with Even’s friends the night before. Even had fallen asleep next to him after they had had sex but Isak had struggled to relax. His insomnia hadn’t been bad, compared to how it usually is, but enough to not feel the same excitement and energy that Even apparently had woken up with.

“It’s 9 in the morning and we have lots of things to do!” Even says.

“Can’t we just stay in bed all day?” Isak asks.

“Don’t you want to go out for breakfast?” Even asks. “I know a place that has amazing breakfast we can go to.”

“I just want you,” Isak mumbles.

They spend most of the morning in bed together, drinking coffee, but in the afternoon the sun is shining and the temperature has risen from unbearably cold to toloratable so the two of them decide to go out. Isak never thought he would enjoy walks as much as he does but with Even it’s one of his favourite things to do.

“We should run together sometime,” Even comments as they walk.

Isak snorts.

“I don’t run,” he says.

He looks over to Even and expects the other man to joke but Even looks serious.

“What? Do you?”

“Yeah,” Even says seriously, “It’s really good for me to exercise regularly, and running is a good way to get fresh air and watch people.”

“To keep stable? Isak asks carefully.

He doesn't want to prod, but he wants to show Even his support and try to understand him the best he can.

“Yeah, it’s been very helpful to stick to a routine with good exercise, and eating healthy and not drinking too much.”

Isak nods but can’t help wondering if him and Even spending this much time together has somehow screwed with that routine.

“I’m okay, Isak” Even says reassuringly. “I’ve been stable for a long time now and I’m good at noticing the early signs and act on them. It doesn’t mean I won’t have another episode, but I’ve learned to not stress too much in between. It gets hard enough as it is when I’m in an episode.”

Isak squeezes Even’s hand.

“I’m going to do my best to stand by you whatever happens, okay? I know I don’t have the best track record when it comes to mental illness, but I’m going to do my best.”

He looks over at Even who gives him a small smile.

“I know you will,” he says. “I was actually thinking running could be good for you too. To help with your insomnia and anxiousness you feel sometimes. It might help you relax easier.”

Isak knows he’s going to have to deal with his problems sooner or later. He’s been ignoring them since high school, when the school doctor suggested he go talk to someone instead of prescribing him with sleeping pills. Since then he has not really done anything to help himself get better.

“Yeah, maybe,” he says. “Sometimes I don’t think it’s a big deal though. Like there are so many people that have it worse so…”

“Yeah I know, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try things to make yourself feel better, or even reach out to get help. No one is going to blame you for that.” Even says calmly.

His dad would, probably, if he ever got to know, but even if he didn’t Isak is not sure he’s strong enough for someone to dig up everything from his childhood in an attempt to understand why he is the way he is. He’s not sure he wants someone else to try to understand where everything went wrong when he hardly knows himself.

“That’s not what it is about,” Even says firmly but gently. “It can be difficult but if you find the right person it can really help you.”

The two of them spend the rest of the day just strolling around in shops and having lunch and coffee before they head back to Isak’s apartment. There they relax for a few hours before Mutta calls Even to ask him if he and Isak want join Mutta and Adam at a bar for a couple of beers.

“I think they like you,” Even beams when they agree on going.

Isak feels happy inside at the thought of making a good impression on at least two of Even’s friends. Three if you count Yousef. Adam and Mutta are already there by the time Isak and Even show up, and the two of them seem to have had dinner already and are now sitting and watching a football game. Even leaves Isak at the table to buy a beer each.

“Hey!” Mutta and Adam say in unison when Isak pops down on a free chair. “So nice to see you again.”

“Hi,” Isak says. “Who are playing?”

They immediately start to discus football and Isak is so engaged in their conversation that he barely notices Even returning with their beer and sitting down next to him. It’s only when Even puts his arm around him that he reacts. Even though football isn’t Even’s favourite subject he seems to be happy with just listening to Isak interact with Mutta and Adam.

“What time is it?” Even asks an hour or so later.

Isak pulls out his phone from his pocket.

“21:21” he says.

Even grins.

“Let’s get out of here.” he says.

Isak shakes his head and raises an eyebrow.

“Already?”

Mutta and Adam have just left to buy another drink and Isak can see them stand at the bar, ready to order.

“Yeah, c’mon. They won’t mind. Trust me.”

Even takes his hand and drags him outside of the bar, leaving Mutta and Adam behind, rolling their eyes and shaking their heads like it’s not the first time Even is doing something unexpected like this.

“Where are we going?” Isak asks curiously.

“You’ll see,” Even smirks.

They walk for about ten minutes before Even takes them down the entrance of a garage. Even lets go of Isak’s hand and opens a door with his key. The door leads to a narrow corridor and Even guides Isak towards the end of it, where he unlocks another door.

“Are you going to kill me now?” Isak jokes.

“Hm, maybe,” Even says.

Isak is not prepared for a huge swimming pool to be hidden behind the door but there is.

“A swimming pool?” he asks surprised. “Where are we even?”

Even chuckles.

“I live here!” he says.

“What, at the swimming pool?” Isak says.

He looks around the room. It’s empty apart from a few deck chairs and a fake palm tree in the corner. At the other end of the pool there is another door.

“No, in this house obviously,” Even rolls his eyes. “I have a swimming pool in the basement.”

“What are we doing here?” Isak asks. “We don’t have any bathing clothes.”

“Are you scared or what?” Even challenges, raising one eyebrow.

Isak huffs.

“I’m not scared,” he protests. “I just don’t want to get my clothes wet.”

“I think you are scared,” Even says as he leans forward and tips his hand in the water. “You are scared that your hair will be ruined.”

“You’ve seen my hair in all stages,” Isak points out as he watches Even take off his shoes and dump his coat on the floor. “We still don’t have any swimwear.”

Hesitantly he removes his own beanie and scarf and throws them next to Even’s clothes. He barely has time to remove his shoes and outer layers before Even violently shoves him towards the edge of the pool, and he wastes no time in dragging the other man with him as he falls into the water.

He breaks through the surface a few seconds later, water sticking to his face and his wet clothes wearing him down in the water. He treads water and looks around the pool for Even but as the seconds trail by no Even resurfaces. Just when Isak is starting to get worried Even’s head pops up a few meters away. His white t-shirt is slicked against his body and the water has made it completely see-through.

“Did you get scared?” he asks.

“Yeah, I was super scared,” Isak laughs.

Even laughs and swims closer.

“Let’s have a swimming contest!” he shouts as he swims past Isak towards the far end of the pool.

Isak takes off after him but with Even’s head start it’s impossible for Isak to catch up. Besides, Even is a much better swimmer than Isak so by the time he reaches the edge of the pool Isak is several meters away.

“Yes. I won!” He says and puts his fist in the air.

“You cheated,” Isak gasps as he finally reaches the end. “Why do you always cheat?”

“You make up the rules then!” Even says.

 Isak wonders if there is anything he could actually beat Even at.

“Let’s see who can hold their breath the longest,” he says challengingly

“Is that your challenge?” Even mocks. “Do you think you are going to win?”   

They are swimming in circles, and if Isak is honest he is starting to get pretty tired and cold but he will not let Even win this one. Cheating or not.

“I’m the master of holding my breath,” Isak says confidently. “I know I’m going to win.”

  
“Yeah?”

“Yeah, you are old,” Isak smirks.

“I’m not old,” Even protests loudly and proceeds to splash water in Isak’s face. “Are you calling me old? Count for me then.”

Just as Even is about to go dive under the water Isak puts a hand on his arm.

“No, at the same time,” he breathes. “On three!”

By the time they leave the pool they are a cold, dripping mess, dry clothes held in their hands and bodies dripping and leaving a pool of water in the elevator. Even unlocks the door to the apartment with shaky hands and Isak is just as cold. He doesn’t have time to reflect on the fact that this is the first time he’s here before Even drags him towards the bathroom.

“You need a shower, baby,” he shivers and pulls Isak’s wet shirt over his head.

It lands with a small splash on the tile floor and soon both of their clothes lie together in a pile.

“Speakers in the shower?” Isak laughs. “That’s extra. Never thought you’d be one to sing in the shower.”

He steps under the warm spray of water and turns around, waiting for Even to join him.

“Shut up,” Even murmurs. “Just kiss me already.”

-

He wakes up in Even’s bed, wrapped up in Even’s fluffy duvet and soft pillows. He smiles as he notices Even lying on his side next to him until he notices that Even is not smiling. While Even is still trailing his hair he doesn’t look content or happy like he’s done previously. Even looks sad. The saddest smile plays on his lips as he touches Isak’s cheek.

“Hi!” he says and it sounds hollow.

“Hi…” Isak says and unconsciously leans into Even’s touch.

“What’s wrong?” Isak whispers.

Even closes his eyes.

“I’ve not been honest with you Isak,” he says sadly. “I’ve lied to you about who I am.”

“What?” Isak breathes, feeling his heart beating rapidly, threatening to jump out of his chest.

“I have a daughter.” Even says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Please let me know what you think :) How do you think Isak will react to Evens news? They have had their up and downs in this chapter but they are starting to be more and more comfortable around eachother and try to be more honest with each other. They still struggle with that sometimes and Isak especially struggles to open up and trust Even. He's getting there and getting "everything" off his chest was super important and helpful and long overdue. Isak also got to meet Even's friends and they of course liked him. Even Mikael even if he is a little guarded still. This week has probably been one of the best in Isak's life in a long time. He and Even has spent their time together and "living" together and they have taken a lot of steps in their relationship. What is going to happen now? 
> 
> Even has struggled a lot this week actually. He has enjoyed his time with Isak but also secretly counting down the days because he gave himself this one week and as it's coming to an end he gets more and more anxious. He hides it well though because he doesn't want Isak to grow suspicious.


	10. Why didn’t you tell me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this is a bit late. I really try to update at least once a week but with my schedule with uni and work it became impossible this week. Right now it's kind of killing me. Anyway I finally sat down and got some time writing and thankfully this chapter came easily to me. It picks up just where we left :) 
> 
> Steffi is not only be beta but also my guru and has to answer a lot of demanding questions that get more and more with every chapter. I'm so grateful for your help Steffi!!! <3 
> 
> Last but not least, thank you for reading, leaving kudos and comments and making me feel happy and motivated to contine this story. It means the world to me :)

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Isak is standing right in front of him, arms crossed and sheets a tangled mess around his feet as he has just crawled out of bed.

Just ten minutes ago Even had been lying awake next to a peacefully sleeping Isak. He had looked at the beautiful face and trailed his fingers through Isak’s hair, thinking that now was the time. When Isak woke up he would do it.

Isak is upset, that much Even can tell. Upset and confused, maybe angry even.

“This is…” Isak says tiredly. “Just why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know,” Even says dumbly because he does know why.

Isak sighs and unfolds his arms to put the sheets that have tangled around his feet back on the bed. His movements are jerky and irritated, and for a second Even fears that he is going to leave. Especially when Isak is starting to look around the room for his clothes.

“Where are you going?” Even asks. “Are you going to leave?”

Isak stops in his motions, looks at Even, sighs again and shrugs all in the matter of a second.

“I don’t know, Even. I’m just trying to get my mind around this… this is a lot to take in. Where are my clothes anyway?”

The clothes are still on the bathroom floor where they had thrown them yesterday once they got home. When they had stepped out of the shower together the last thing on their mind had been to hang up their clothes, so now they are bound to be dripping wet.

“Can’t we talk about this?” Even asks, feeling a bit panicky and desperate. “I’ll go put your clothes in the dryer and you can borrow something from me. I’ll tell you everything you want to know. Just… please don’t go.”

“I…” Isak mumbles. “I don’t want to go…but I don’t understand shit right now.”

Ten minutes later they are sitting on Even’s couch. Even has started the dryer with their clothes and lent Isak a pair of his softest pyjamas pants and an old cotton t-shirt. They don’t say anything, and they are not sitting as close together as they had five days ago when Isak had curled up next to Even’s body at every given chance. Now Isak is looking down at his lap, obviously waiting for Even to say something. He seems impatient, but Even can’t come up with the right words.

“Do you want something to eat?” Even tries. “Some coffee?”

Isak’s head snaps up and he shakes his head.

“I just want to know what’s going on. Why didn’t you tell me you had a daughter? I thought we were honest with each other about things and then all of a sudden you tell me you have a daughter. Is there anything else you haven’t told me?”

Isak’s voice is sharp and stabbing, clearly indicating that Isak feels upset and angry.

“No, I promise, Isak!” Even says weakly. “Everything else I’ve told you is true and there are no more secrets.”

Isak is not looking at him at all.

“How can I know?” he says sharply. “You lied about this so why not more things? This isn’t some white lie, Even. This changes things. This changes everything.”

“Isak...” Even tries and reaches out to put a hand on Isak’s knee, but the tiny motion makes Isak draw his knees to his chest.

“It pisses me off that you didn’t tell me and I’m trying to understand why so can you at least be honest with me about that?” Isak says.

Isak’s arms are crossed over his chest protectively and Even can practically see his walls going up again. Walls Even had finally teared down.

“Of course,” Even says. “I guess at first there was no reason for me to talk about that because I didn’t even know we would become a thing.”

Isak nods.

“I get that. But why not later, when we started going out?”  he says.

“I don’t know, Isak. I was just scared. I had just met this amazing guy and I was scared that it would change things. I was afraid I would scare you off. Me having a daughter is just not a little thing. It’s a huge thing, and it has made people leave before. So I just wanted to be sure, I guess.”

“Sure of what?” Isak interrupts. “Does she know about me?”

“That this is important to me, that you are important and that this means enough to me. That I mean enough to you. That you are serious. And no, she doesn’t know about you. I wanted to tell you first.”

“Of course I’m serious,” Isak mumbles. “Do you think I’m not?”

Even shakes his head.

“That is not what I’m saying,” he says. “I’ve not felt like this in a long time, and after this week I know that you do too. That’s why I’m telling you now. Because I knew I had to. I know I should have told you earlier and I get that you are angry…”

“I’m not sure I’m angry,” Isak sighs. “I get where you are coming from, I do. But I poured my heart out to you this week. I told you everything about me, all about my insecurities and my family issues. Things I’ve not told anyone before. I just wished you would have told me earlier, that you would’ve felt like you could trust me or… I don’t even know. It’s just this huge important thing about yourself that you didn’t tell me about. What does this even mean for us?”

“I do trust you, of course I do,” Even says “This is not about you at all. Not like that at least. I just wanted to wait until I knew I wanted to be with you for real, and I really do. And I can only hope that you still want to be with me. But I understand if you don’t want to.”

Isak is silent for a little while as if he is thinking about what to say next. He has uncrossed his arms but he’s still tense and stiff next to Even on the couch.

“Just tell me more about her,” Isak says. “I don’t even know her name.”

“Her name is Ellie,” Even says.

Isak nods quietly and gestures for Even to continue so Even takes a deep breath and tries to calm down.

“It’s short for Chanel. Sonja, Ellie’s mother, really loves the brand Chanel you know, so when we learned we were having a girl she told me she had always wanted to name her daughter Chanel,” Even babbles.

Isak is looking at him with wide eyes, biting his lip.

“She got to pick the first name and I got to pick the middle name. Since I used to really love Baz Luhrmann, and he directed Moulin Rouge, I chose the name Satine.” Even continues and looks Isak straight in the eyes.

“You are joking?” Isak asks after a few seconds of awkward silence. “You are joking, right?” he repeats and raises his eyebrow.

Even bursts out in laughter which clears the air.

“Yeah, do you really think we would have named our daughter Chanel Satine? In Norway?”

Isak kicks his legs playfully.

“I don’t know. You could be this really pretentious couple...Anyway, stop joking around, we are trying to be serious.”

“I could have said her name was Mandarin Monday or something, since she was born on a Monday. That would have been even more pretentious,” Even smirks.  

Isak rolls his eyes dramatically.

“Her name is Ellinore,” Even continues seriously. “It was Sonja’s grandmother’s name. She meant a lot to Sonja, but she died just before Sonja got pregnant and therefore we named her Ellinore but we’ve called her Ellie since she was a baby.”

“How old is she?”

“She’s 16,” Even says.

“Oh?!” Isak says, sounding surprised. “I imagined her being a three-year-old or something. Or in elementary school. So you were 16 when you had her? Wow. That must have been really tough.”

Even nods.

“Yeah it was,” he says. “I had recently turned 16 when we found out and Sonja was still 15 so it was really tough. It got even worse when I was diagnosed with bipolar just a few months later and things were pretty horrible for a while. Sonja’s mom kind of kicked her out, so my parents took her in and made sure she was alright when I was too down to even go to the check-ups with her. We started at Bakka together even though we knew Sonja would have to drop out soon anyway, and there I met the boys as I’ve already told you. They were absolutely amazing and accepted me, and Sonja found her own friends. Then Ellie was born in November. Sonja finished the first semester from home so that she could pick up a year later and I continued in school. Sonja and I were together until the year Ellie turned three. Things had been a bit rough between us and we broke up. I had another episode that was pretty bad which made a huge mess out of things with my friends as well… but yeah my parents picked up the pieces and Sonja had to take lots of extra responsibility for a while. Anyway, when Ellie was five Sonja suddenly started to act weird and then she just left one day. She had met some guy and she wanted to move away with him. She said she was tired of being a mom or something like that.”

Isak nods quietly.

“I don’t understand how anyone could just do that. Ellie is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Well things kind of fell apart again after Sonja left and if it wasn’t for mom and dad I don’t know what would have happened. They have been through so much with me. They have sacrificed so much for me and Ellie, and I’m not sure I can ever repay them for that. Anyway, after Sonja left I reconnected with the boys and finally found myself back on my feet. I started at uni and managed to graduate and my parents helped me find an apartment for us. Then I started working and it has pretty much been me and Ellie against the rest of the world ever since.”

Isak smiles softly and finally scoots closer. He sits with his knees between Even’s legs and cups his cheeks with his hands.

“It makes so much sense,” he says. “You being so sweet and caring all the time.”

Even laughs awkwardly in relief.

They end up lying together on the couch, or Even is lying with his head on Isak’s lap and Isak is sprawled out with his feet resting on the foot rest. Isak lets Even talk about Ellie without interrupting. He tells him how he can’t go to uni and study film because he has to look out for Ellie, and how much it feels like he can’t let his parents down after everything they have done for him.

“It’s just difficult, you know. I’m trying my hardest to be the best dad I can be for her, but she’s been through so much with her mother just abandoning her and I know that she’s still taking that hard even if she is strong. I just want to give her everything she deserves, but sometimes I can’t do that and she has to take care of herself, and it really breaks my heart. She is the most amazing girl there is, strong and kind and compassionate but she’s not had it easy either. Even if my parents have always helped us through everything, she’s learned to take care of herself because sometimes I couldn’t.”

“Hey,” Isak hushes. “Don’t say that. You are an amazing person and I know you are an amazing dad too.”

“It feels like I’m constantly failing them,” Even confesses for the first time in forever.

-

Their week together comes to an end as the hours turn into the afternoon and it’s time for Isak to leave for work and for Even to go pick up Ellie. It feels weird. These past six days it has just been the two of them and now they are suddenly back to reality. Only now, Isak knows. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders, like he can finally breathe properly, and when they kiss each other in the hall, he feels so relieved he could cry.

“Are you going to tell her about me?” Isak says, biting his lip and looking at him nervously.

Even swallows.

“I don’t know,” he answers. “Not yet, maybe?”

Isak nods slowly and takes Even’s hand in his and looks down at their intertwined fingers.

“Yeah, of course. It’s not like I have told anyone yet either.” Isak makes a small grimace.  “It’s just. I don’t want there to be more secrets. Now that we are honest with each other. Do you understand?”

Even nods. Isak is right. There really should be no more secrets between them, or in this case between them and others.  It’s just difficult. For the longest time it has been just Ellie and him, and Even has been completely happy with his life. Or he has pretended to be completely happy for his own sake just as much as everyone else’s. Ellie may be strong but she needs stability, and after being abandoned by her mother she needs a parent that will be there for her through everything. A parent that doesn’t let her down the way Sonja did. So Even has never given himself much time to see people. The few relationships he has had, have ended quickly, either because there was never a connection or because they weren’t prepared for the baggage that Even brings. Ellie has only known about a few of the people Even has thought could be the one. It has never lasted though and for Even it has never seemed to matter that much. He and Ellie are best friends and Ellie is truly everything he needs. It feels difficult with Isak though,  and Even has not felt like this in a long time, maybe never. Isak makes him feel alive. He just wants to hold on to these feelings a bit longer. He is scared that Isak being so close to Ellie in age is going to make things uncomfortable. He has no idea how Ellie is going to react to Isak being only four years older than her. Frankly, he is not sure if Isak has had the time to react to that small detail just yet either. As for now, the other boy seems too overwhelmed about Even’s revelation to even think about that.

“Yeah, just give me some time. I don’t want to overwhelm her and I really need to find the right time,” Even says slowly.

“Okay,” Isak smiles. “That’s okay. Maybe soon I can tell someone too.”

Even cups Isak’s cheeks.

“Yes, I think you should do that. I think it will be okay!”

“Yeah, maybe,” Isak whispers. “Are we going to be okay though?”

-

He arrives at the bus station early, so rather than stand outside in the cold he waits in the car for the bus to arrive. He scrolls through his phone and decides to text Mikael to let him know he has told Isak. Apart from apologising for his previous reaction, Mikael had advised Even to just tell Isak about Ellie, and he wanted his best friend to know he had. Him and Mikael probably have the most complicated and complex relationship in their group of friends. Yet Mikael is easily his closest friend and even if they have had their up and downs he knows he can always count on Mikael.

**I finally told Isak!**

It takes a few minutes before Mikael replies.

**That’s good. What did he say?**

**He was a bit upset a first**  
**But he’s okay. We talked**  
 **about it a lot.**  


 

 

**That’s great. I’m sorry**  
**I misjudged him!!!**

**It’s okay :)**

**How’s Ellie?**  
**Told her yet?**

 

 

Even sighs.

**No. Not yet. I’m picking**  
**her up now. I don’t think**  
 **I’ll tell her yet. I need to find**  
 **a good moment first.**

 

**Okay, one step at**  
**a time I guess?**  
 

 

**Sure :)**

**Yeah, something like that!**  
**Do you have time for lunch**  
**sometime during this week**?  
 

Even puts away his phone once he spots the bus pulling up at the bus stop and decides to get out of the car to help his daughter with her bags and skiing equipment. It’s not until she steps out of the bus that he realises how much he has missed her this week, but once he sees her walk towards him with hurried steps he can feel the smile spread on his face.

“Hey, dad!” she says and hugs him tightly.

“Hi, sweetie.” he says happily as he returns the hug. “How was your trip?”

She just shrugs.

“It was okay, I guess,” she adds quietly.

Even nods hesitantly and grabs the heavy bag from the luggage compartment underneath the bus in one hand and her skis in the other.

“I think grandma and grandpa wanted us to have dinner together tonight. What do you say?” he asks as they walk towards the car.

Ellie is deep into her phone.

“Yeah, okay,” she says, yawning. "Can you tell them to come over? I’m exhausted and I just want to be in my pyjamas all night.”

Even smiles fondly.

“Yeah of course. I’ll give them a call once we get home.”

Ellie is quiet on the way home and Even figures she must be tired after her week. She disappears into the bathroom as soon as they get home so Even just puts her bag into her room and takes her skis to the attic. When he’s done he calls his parents to let them know they are welcome in a few hours, and because grocery shopping has been the last thing on his mind this past week he decides he will just order some food from Ellie’s favourite Indian restaurant.

Ellie comes out of the shower after almost half an hour and promptly throws herself on the couch with a sigh.

“So did you have a good time while I was away?” she says as she flips through the channels on the TV.

Even looks up from his book.

“Yeah, sure,” he says hastily, suddenly feeling a bit paranoid and not doing a very good job hiding it.

Ellie nods.

“That’s good,” she mumbles.

Even frowns.

“Did you have a good time?” he asks.

She nods, eyes focused on the tv as she puts the remote control down on the table and leans back on the couch.

“Yeah, it’s just nice to be home again. I’ve missed my bed,” she smiles.

Even smiles and rubs her knee.

“It’s good to have you home again.”

Even’s parents arrive an hour later with the Indian food they have picked up on their way. By then Ellie is almost asleep on the couch, but as soon as she hears the two of them ring the doorbell and step inside she sits up and yawns. She rubs her eyes tiredly as she walks towards them.

“Hey, princess,” Even’s dad says as she approaches them, and Even watches them hug each other as he takes the take out bags from his mother’s hands.

His mother follows him to the kitchen and starts setting the table while Even puts all the different containers on the counter.

“You look less tired than last time we saw you,” his mother comments as she reaches for the glasses in one of the cupboards. “Did the break from Ellie treat you that well?” she jokes.

Even can almost feel himself blush and is thankful that his back is currently turned towards her.

“Hm, yeah,” he mumbles. “Something like that.”

“I hope you didn’t feel too lonely though,” his mother continues. “You are always welcome home, you know that right, honey? Even if Ellie is not always with you we love having you over.”

To be honest the thought had barely occurred to him that he could see his parents over the week Ellie was away. He had been too busy with Isak to consider that his parents might had expected him to come over for dinner at least once.

Even’s parents stay for a few hours. They eat dinner and talk about Ellie’s trip. She’s smiling and laughing at her grandpa’s jokes and it doesn’t take long before he has managed to convince her to teach him how to bake the peanut butter and chocolate brownies she made him once. Even wonders how his dad does it, but somehow he always manages to make Ellie smile and give in to all his baking requests. No matter how hard he tries, Even can never persuade her to do that but maybe that’s because he is her dad.

 -

Even had never expected that things going back to normal would be so hard but it is. He wants to see Isak every day but with Ellie being back home that is just not possible, and once the new week starts it becomes even more evident. Isak is busy with studying for his exam and Even is busy at work. The first few days don’t seem too bad. Even focuses on work and has lunch with Mikael on Tuesday. He and Ellie spend their evenings together. They cook together and in the evening Ellie sits at the kitchen island drawing while Even reads.

By Wednesday he really starts to miss Isak though. All they have managed is some texts here and there and a few quick phone calls between their busy schedules. With Ellie back home again it’s even more difficult because she knows him so well.

“I miss you,” Isak mumbles into the phone on Thursday evening.

“I miss you too,” Even says. “I can’t wait until I get to see you again,” he continues.

Isak sighs.

“It didn’t feel this hard before,” Isak mumbles. “It didn’t feel like we had to struggle so much.”

Even can almost see Isak’s pout and it makes him smile to himself as he walks down the aisles at the grocery store. He’s going to restock the pantry so Ellie won’t expect him home in a least an hour. Normally she would go to the gym with Ida and another friend Even doesn’t remember the name of, but today she had claimed to be too tired and had opted to stay in.

“I know, baby, it sucks. But we can do it. The weekend is not far away so it’s not so bad,” Even says.

He can hear Isak let out a frustrated sigh on the other end.

“It’s too far away,” Isak whines. “I want to see you now!”

Even laughs.

“How did your exam go?” he asks.

“It was okay,” Isak says. “I think it went okay. I answered all the questions at least so I guess we’ll see.”

“You are so smart,” Even says. “Are you going to celebrate tonight?”

Isak chuckles on the other end.

“Haha yeah,” he says. “I think so. People want to have a party. I guess I’m going to go.“  

He can hear Isak rumble around on the other end of the phone.

“So what are your plans for the weekend?” the other boy asks after a few seconds of comfortable silence.

“I don’t know. It depends, I guess,” Even says slowly.

“On what?” Isak asks playfully.

“I might be busy with this guy I know.” Even says.

“Oh yeah?” Isak says. “ I guess I might be busy too then.”

“Huh?” Even smirks. “ I have no idea who you have plans with, but I’m spending my weekend with Mikael.”

“Oh fuck you!” Isak mutters.

-

It’s with a beating heart that he takes the last few steps to Isak’s apartment on Saturday afternoon. He can’t believe it’s already been a week since they last saw each other, and although they have spoken on the phone and texted frequently nothing can beat seeing Isak’s smile in front of him as the other man opens the door mere seconds after Even rings the doorbell. Isak wastes no time in dragging Even inside and wrapping his arms around him, clinging to him like a monkey.

“Hi,” he whispers.

“Hey,” Even whispers as Isak tips his head backward, asking for a kiss.

Even kisses Isak’s lips hungrily and he can feel Isak move his hand through his hair.

“I’ve missed you,” Isak moans between kisses.

They don’t do much but it is enough. Isak orders some pizza for the two of them and they eat it in front of the tv while watching the last minutes of some football game Even knows nothing about. He tries to engage himself when he notices how caught up Isak is, but he just ends up questioning everything until Isak gets too tired of answering his dumb questions. He loves this part of Isak. The part that is grumpy yet soft. The part that pretends to be annoyed but then lights up in a huge smile when Even kisses him on the cheek.

-

“We can do this? Right?” Isak whispers. “No matter what happens?”

It is later during the night and Even soon has to leave. The wind is howling mercilessly  outside, making him even more reluctant to leave Isak’s side on the bed. Even presses Isak’s naked chest closer to his and kisses Isak’s sweaty neck.

“Yeah,” he says quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have the time and want to, please let me know what you thought. It would mean the world to me. I really love hearing your thoughts and reflections :) 
> 
> So cat is out of the bag now. What did you think about Isak's reaction? Is it valid? For me it was important to show his initial anger because at the moment he kind of feels like he has poured his heart out to Even and showed his most vulnerable self and Even kept a huge thing from him. In the end he understand where Even is coming from though and they can have a mature(?) talk about it. There are still things that needs to be sorted though and Isak hasn't really had time to reflect much and they have not talked about it more. Isak will deal with some of it in the next chapter. 
> 
> So Ellie is back home which changes things for them again. They can't be as carefree as they were earlier in the week but they are trying to make the most of it. And even though Even knows he will have to tell her about Isak soon he is still hesitant. I really hope you understand where he is coming from. It won't be long until he tells her though :)


	11. What the fuck is this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry for yet another delay. This chapter was so difficult to write for me. I struggled alot with it for some reason and I didn't feel happy with it at all. I hope it won't disappoint because I've spent a lot of time on it :)
> 
> Thank you so much to all of you who have read, left kudos and comments and so on. It means so much to me :) And thank you so much Steffi for staying up late with me two nights in a row to help me finish this chapter <3 I wouldn't have been able to do it without you and your encouraging words!

  1. What the fuck is this?



Over the next few weeks they try to see each other as often as possible. They go on walks together, have an afternoon coffee at some cafe or Even will come over to Isak’s apartment for a few hours. They even hang out with Mutta and Adam a few times. Isak loves getting to know Even’s friends better, and Mutta and Adam are probably the ones he has the most in common with. He likes the other three as well but Mutta and Adam are the ones he has spent the most time with. Yousef is a father of two and well into married life, Elias and his wife are expecting their first child and Mikael is Mikael, almost as protective as Jonas. Adam and Mutta on the other hand are both single. They have also adopted Isak wholeheartedly as a little brother.

Not seeing Even every day is hard. Harder than Isak would have thought. After all, he has spent most of his life alone. Even next to his friends he could feel completely and utterly lonely, and since he moved out from his mother’s house he’s become even more used to it. It’s surprising how fast he has found himself used to having Even in his life. It also feels scary because it’s been a long time since he felt this dependent on someone else. He gets to see Even once or twice a week and if he is really lucky three times. They are both busy. Isak with uni and work and Even with his job. And then there is Ellie.

Ellie had come like a bucket of ice over his head. Or a sucker punch to the chest. Either way he had been left feeling hurt, betrayed and confused by Even’s unexpected confession. Everything had been going so well between them and Isak had finally dared to open up to someone. In the safety of Even’s arms he had opened up and bared his soul like has never bared his soul before. Even had listened to him, held him tighter, and promised that he wouldn’t leave. He had let Isak think that everything would be okay, that it could be the two of them. Then, after Isak had fallen completely head over heels in love with Even, everything had been turned upside down. Nothing had made sense, as if all their time spent together had been a lie.

But despite his confusion Isak had given Even a chance to explain, tried to understand where the other man was coming from and why he wouldn’t tell Isak about something this important. Why he didn’t trust Isak. His anger and hurt had ebbed away when he saw the honesty in Even’s eyes and heard the desperation in his voice.

Even had told him about Ellie and Ellie’s mother Sonja, who had abandoned her daughter and left Even to pick up the pieces. Isak couldn’t help but think about how strong Even was. How Isak’s own problems seemed so insignificant in comparison. Even had raised a daughter mostly on his own while Isak had stupidly gone around hating himself for who he was and leading on girls and pushing away his friends in the meantime.

 They haven’t talked much about Ellie and what this means for them. They have sort of let things go back to how they were before. They pretend that nothing has changed between them. It has though, because now Isak knows why they won’t be able to see each other every day.

Even doesn’t want to tell Ellie just yet, and Isak understands him. He’s terrified himself. Ellie is sixteen, only four years younger than he is, so Isak is scared of what she will think about him. He’s never been good with children but a sixteen-year-old girl seems so much more scary and complicated compared to a young child. He doesn’t know much about Ellie yet. Even has told him a bit about her and showed a few pictures of her, but other than that he doesn’t know much at all. He is scared that she won’t like him and that him entering Even’s life will make her feel left out and threatened. He is scared that she will think he is too young and not good enough. Even has told him that Ellie is his best friend so how can Isak expect her to welcome him with open arms? How can he expect Ellie to be okay with her dad dating someone like Isak?

Thoughts like these make it hard to fall asleep at night. Especially when he doesn’t get to sleep with Even next to him. His bed feels cold without the other man. His mattress feels lumpy and the room freezing since the radiator has broken once again.

It had taken him only a week to get used to having the other man next to him, and now he’s craving for his touches.

_“We can do this right? No matter what happens?”_

He has to believe they can. Because he has never felt this alive before. With Even he feels complete. He can’t imagine going back to his old life when he just barely scraped by.

Isak curls up on his side restlessly, desperate to fall asleep. He had gone out with Nils and Alfred the previous night and had gotten home early Sunday morning so he is desperate for some sleep. After spending most of the day hungover he is in desperate need of an early night.

His phone seems to have other ideas though, because a few minutes later it starts buzzing like crazy. He sighs as he sits up and reaches for it. He expects it to be his mom since it’s almost one in the morning and she’s the only one who usually texts him at this time. He squints against the harsh light as the blue light from the screen hits his face. It’s not his mom this time though but Magnus and Mahdi in the group chat.

**Guess who’s coming home**  
**This easter?**

**You are?**

**Yeah me and Cecilé**

**That’s awesome we need to**  
**have a party!**

**Yeah that’d be so awesome**  
**We haven’t hung out since**  
**Christmas**

**You are not coming home**  
**Right Jonas?**

Isak watches how Jonas’ icon appears in the chat as his best friend starts typing.

**No...**

**Oh no :(**

**My host family is going**  
**To Hawaii and I’m going**  
**with them!!!!**

**Fuck off?!**

**You are not welcome here**  
**anymore! Me, Magnus and Isak**  
**Can manage without you!**

**Hahaha yeah, we don’t need**  
**You anymore**

**Hahahaha whatever**  
**I can find new friends in Hawaii**  
**How’s the weather by the way?**

**Fuck you, Jonas!**

 

Isak follows their discussion without engaging in it. He feels disconnected from them. It’s mid March which means that it’s been almost three months since he last saw them. He’s barely kept up with the group chat and Jonas is the only one of them that he’s had regular contact with. They seem so excited though, whereas Isak has barely had time to think about them in the last few weeks.

His thoughts are interrupted by an incoming skype call from Jonas. He sinks back into his pillow as he accepts the call.

“Hey man!”

Jonas’ tanned face pops up on the screen. His hair is longer than ever and his curls look messy and unruly. He’s probably been surfing. He looks happy and healthy. Isak wonders what his own face looks like in the unflattering light of the phone.

“Hi,” he yawns.

“I didn’t expect you to be awake,” Jonas says.

“Yeah, I can’t sleep with the guys trying to blow up the group chat,” he jokes. “How are you? have you been surfing?”

“All good!” Jonas said. “Yeah, I just came back from the beach, actually.”

“Do you ever go to school or are you just surfing and hitting on girls?” Isak teases.

“Oh shut up,” Jonas mumbles. “Today is Sunday! Not everyone can be as nerdy as you. I don’t have to study on the weekends.”

“Haha, yeah right,” Isak laughs.

They talk about Jonas and his life for a little bit before moving on to everyday talk like uni and parties. Isak tells him about his night out with Nils and Alfred and it feels good to have something to tell Jonas. Something that isn’t a complete lie. Jonas tells him about all the weed he’s been smoking and a girl he has started seeing. Isak asks about the trip to Hawaii which Jonas happily tells him all about.

“How are you?” Jonas asks 20 minutes later when they have talked about all the things that are not important. “You were so quiet in the group chat. Is everything okay? You’ve been so absent lately. Even more absent than usual.”

There it is. Jonas’ ability to always find a way to bring up Isak’s well being. It’s always been like that. Since they first met at age five. Jonas has always looked out for him. Jonas has always cared for him. When Isak was fourteen he had realised that he loved Jonas in the wrong way. Full of shame he had done everything in his power to hide his feelings and convince himself that they weren’t real. At sixteen the pain had been so hard he couldn’t handle it. He had come out about a year later. Not by choice but because he was forced out of the closet. Jonas had been the first to tell him that everything would be okay and continued to watch out for Isak every day since then.

No matter how hard he tries, Isak can only hide from Jonas for so long. Jonas is looking at him with that familiar look of concern on his face.

“Yeah, things have just been a bit busy lately,” Isak explains.

It’s not a lie. He has been busy which can easily explain his absence but he knows Jonas won’t let go that easily. Especially not after weeks of silence from Isak.

“Are you sure?” Jonas asks. “You can talk to me!”

_“Please talk to me. Please let me help you”_

_“I’m fine. Just leave me alone.”_

“You are going to see the boys, right?” Jonas continues. “Even if I’m not there?”

“Yeah, of course,” Isak says. “It’s just a bit weird. I haven’t seen them since Christmas. Things have just been...”

“Busy?” Jonas suggests and Isak nods.

“Yeah,”

“Please don’t slip away from us,” Jonas says. “We care about you. All of us. Magnus and Mahdi too.”  

-

Even’s frown grows deeper with each of Isak’s yawns. After he had hung up with Jonas he had fallen asleep in only a few minutes, but he still feels tired after having to wake up at seven to make it to his lecture. He had been looking forward to seeing Even all day though which had left him restless and impatient the whole day. Even Nils and Alfred had noticed his uncharacteristic behaviour and asked him about it. A whole weekend has gone by since they last saw each other, and Even has taken him to some cosy italian restaurant.

“Are you tired?” Even asks worriedly. “Are you not sleeping properly? It’s only Monday. I don’t want you to be tired already.”

Isak shrugs.

“I’m okay,” he says. “I just miss sleeping next to you.”

Even smiles unhappily.

“Yeah me too,” he sighs. “I just need to come up with a good excuse for not being home at night. 30-year-olds rarely have sleepovers with their friends, you know,” he adds with a slightly lighter tone.

“Ha, yeah I wouldn’t know about that,” Isak says. “You seriously need to come up with a good excuse though.”

He reaches out to take Even’s hand in his.

“I’m working on it,” Even smirks.

“So what’s your excuse for tonight?” Isak asks and even though he’s mostly joking there is a hint of seriousness in his tone.

It doesn’t go unnoticed by Even, and Isak instantly regrets making the comment in the first place. He wants things to be good between them, and he just wants to be able to enjoy Even’s company. He knows this isn’t easy for Even either and that the other man is doing his best.

“I’m sorry I’m making this so hard for you,” Even mumbles guiltily. “I wish I could make things less complicated.”

Isak squeezes Even’s hand reassuringly.

“It’s okay,” he promises. “This is not so bad. We could do so much worse than a nice restaurant with lots of food and romantic music.”

He gestures to the candle lit restaurant and to their joint hands on the table.

“We can do this!” he adds.

Even nods hesitantly but a small smile plays on his lips.

Isak’s pizza and Even’s seafood pasta arrive a minute later and Isak is thankful to dig into the food. They talk for hours, and Isak tells Even about Magnus’ visit to Oslo and how they all plan on hanging out together.

“Are you excited for it?” Even asks.

“Yes, I guess I am. It’s been a long time since we saw each other and it’s always nice to hang out. We’re not as close as we were once. I mean I don’t even talk to them besides the group chat which is just weird. So many things have changed and it feels like we are all moving in different directions. I’m not even sure me and Jonas are the same anymore...”

His voice dies down and he looks down at his lap.

“In what way?” Even says.

“Things were so messy before he moved to California. My life was a mess and he only really tried to help me and be there for me. I moved out of my mother’s house and he was there to make sure I ate and slept. He offered me to stay with him until I found my apartment and even after that he continued to look out for me. Then he applied for colleges in California just for fun and he got in. I always knew how badly he wanted to go there, you know. Meet new people and explore the world. I can see how happy and carefree he is when he is there but I also know that he worries about me.”

“Yeah but he’s your best friend. Of course he’s going to want to look out for you.”

“Yeah, but it’s always been like this. I feel like he’s constantly making sure I’m okay, but I hardly ever return the favour or show any gratitude. I just push him away and lie to him all the time. I know he’ll be so disappointed in me when he learns I’m keeping so many secrets from him. Like he’s my best friend and I can’t even tell him I’m seeing you. He’ll be so angry when he finds out I didn’t tell him.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Even says softly. “He’s not going to be mad at you.”

Even is always so patient with him and never shows any sign of being disappointed in Isak, but deep down Isak wonders if it makes Even sad that Isak can’t bring himself to tell anybody.

“I don’t know. It still feels like things have changed,” Isak sighs.

“Yeah, things always change when you grow up. Leaving high school is a huge step and starting university is another. People change and relationships change too. It doesn’t mean it gets better or worse per se. And if you are close you will always find a way back to each other. Mikael and I found our way back to each other after several years…” Even reminds him.

Even has told him a little about what happened when they were 18 and Even had a manic episode in which he ended up kissing Mikael and tried to redeem himself by filling all of the bathroom walls in school with quotes from the Quran in an attempt to cure himself.

Isak remembers how Even told him with so much shame in his voice. Shame that even after this many years hadn’t gone away completely. They had been on a walk, both of them nursing a cup of steaming hot coffee. The sun had been out, slightly warming up their faces as they walked. Then Even had stopped in his tracks before telling Isak the reason why he stopped hanging out with his friends. Even had pushed away all his friends in shame of what he had done in the wake of the manic episode. Even had also told him that he had been admitted to the hospital because he was suicidal.

Isak can’t bear to think about Even being so depressed he wanted to kill himself. It hurts to think about and scares him shitless. Even is always so full of life and joy. He always makes Isak laugh. The thought of Even not wanting to live anymore is terrifying. So when Even told him Isak had barely been able to hold it together, but he had tried his best to remain calm and steady for Even to lean on. Once again he was reminded how lucky he was to have Even in his life and just how strong his boyfriend was.

“Ellie saved me. And my parents. Without them I’d be dead!” Even had said, leaning on Isak’s shoulder.

Once Even had gotten back on his feet with the help of his family and his little daughter, he had been too scared to get in touch with his friends again, and Mikael and the rest of the boys had been left feeling confused and hurt.

“You are so amazing, you know that right?” Isak says as he fights against his tears. “You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

They share a dessert before they take a walk to Isak’s apartment where they are forced to say goodbye to each other. This is always the hardest part of the night. When they have to say goodbye.

Isak stands on his tippy toes as he kisses Even and wraps his arms around the taller man’s neck. Even wraps his own arms around Isak’s waist. Isak sighs and presses his nose to Even’s neck.

“ _You_ are amazing, Isak,” Even whispers. “I’m so happy when I’m with you!”

Isak can feel himself blush because he is still not used to this.

“Are you going to be able to sleep tonight?” Even mumbles into Isak’s hair.

“Yeah,” Isak says, forcing himself to let go of Even.”I think so.”

Even presses his thumb to Isak’s cheek gently. Isak closes his eyes and feels Even move his thumb across his face.

“I’ll text you once I get home!” Even mumbles.

Even presses his lips to Isak’s forehead.

“Okay,” Isak says.

“Okay!” Even repeats. “Good night!”

-

The next days trail by slowly. The only contact with Even he has is by text and a few short phone calls in the afternoon as Even leaves work to go home. Isak spends most of his time studying. He meets Sana in the library for a few hours on Tuesday, but on Wednesday she is absent from the lecture and when he texts her about it she claims that she has a cold and asks him if he can take notes for her.

He sits with Nils and Alfred during the lecture. They go on and on about the party they had been to during the weekend. Isak had gone with them to some club since he wouldn’t be able to see Even anyway. He didn’t have any shifts at the restaurant either and because the last thing he had wanted to do was spend the night alone in his apartment.

“You need to come with us more often,” Nils says eagerly during their break. “Remember when you tried to climb on the speaker and almost got kicked out?”

Nils turns to Alfred and the two immediately start to argue about it and Isak can feel himself drift off. The party had not been bad at all. It was just that Isak would rather be somewhere else. Anywhere with Even really. He had gotten a bit too drunk and sent a few very embarrassing texts to Even which the other man had replied to in the morning when Isak was so hungover he thought his head would split in half.

“No but seriously, you really need to come with us next time. You never join us anymore. What are you doing this weekend?”

Nils turns his attention back to Isak and Isak forces himself to focus on what his friend is saying.

“Uh,” Isak starts. “I have to check my schedule. I might be working again actually.”

The lie slips out without hesitation and he doesn’t even feel bad about it. This is going to be his weekend with Even and he’s not going to change it for anything in the world.

Alfred makes a small grimace.

“I feel so sorry for you. Why do you even work there? It feels like you work almost all weekends anyway. Can’t your boss hire more people or something?” he says.

Isak gives a half hearted smile. Nils and Alfred may be easy-going and all but sometimes the difference between the three of them is so obvious. Especially Alfred seems to have such a hard time understanding why Isak has to work.

“Yeah, maybe,” he mutters and takes out his phone to text Even.

**I miss you <3 **

-

“Today I’m pretending to be at Mikael’s,” Even mumbles.

Even has cooked him dinner, and they are currently lying on Isak’s bed together with Isak’s laptop resting on Even’s long legs. They’ve started a new series on netflix but at the moment Isak can’t focus on the screen at all.

“Mikael huh?” he whispers.

“Yeah, he’s covering for me. But Ellie is at the gym and she said she was going to meet a friend afterwards anyway.”

Isak nods from his position leaning on Even’s chest.

“Do you think she knows something is going on?” Isak asks carefully.

It takes a while for Even to answer.

“No,” he sighs. “I don’t think so. It’s not unusual for me to do things and meet up with my friends after work. Mikael and the others have always been a huge part of my life. It just feels a bit weird lying to her and keeping things from her, if that makes sense?”

Isak nods slowly.

“Yeah,” he mutters.

“Don’t worry about it though.” Even kisses the side of Isak’s head. “Mikael got us covered anyway.”

“Does he? Can Mikael do this to you?” Isak says.

He shifts on the bed and instead of resting against Even’s chest he moves so that he’s sitting on the other man’s lap. He kisses the other man’s neck intensely, causing him to moan. Even’s hands move to his back grasping his shirt and pulling at the fabric. Isak straightens his back temporarily to remove his shirt and throws it on the floor at the same time as Even removes his shirt.

-

He’s working today and even though he is tired and has a looming headache, he feels relaxed in the company of his co-workers. Sasha is working with him today and so are José and Markus. Reine spends most of the time in his office but every so often he’ll pop his head into the kitchen with his usual peptalk.

“Is everything okay, Isak?” he asks as Isak arrives back in the kitchen after clearing one of the tables.

“Yeah,” Isak says. “I’m okay.”

Reine gives him a small smile and a pat on the shoulder.

“And how are you doing with your studies?”

It amazes Isak how Reine always finds the time to ask his staff about their days and tries to keep up with their life outside of work despite running a restaurant. He’s always there, working from early mornings to late nights. Isak can’t help noticing that he looks tired though. The older man has dark circles underneath his eyes and rubs his head tiredly.

“It’s okay,” Isak smiles.

“That’s good, Isak. We are all happy for you. Soon you will be out there saving lives.”

Isak beams at Reine’s words as he makes his way back to the table area. The worst of the lunch rush is over as it’s nearing two in the afternoon. Therefore Isak is very surprised to be met with a familiar face standing by the till, but his smile gets even wider as he spots Even standing in front of him.

“Surprise,” Even says.

“What are you doing here?” Isak asks. “I thought we were going to see each other tomorrow?”

“I missed you,” Even says. “I didn’t want to wait until tomorrow. That’s ages away and I just wanted to see you. I was hoping I could order some lunch? Unless it’s too late?”

“Not too late, no,” Isak says with a beaming smile. “What can I get you?”

“What do you recommend?” Even jokes.

Isak rolls his eyes.

“Shouldn’t you know what to order by now?” he retorts. “You’ve been coming here quite a lot. Are you a stalker or something?”

The restaurant is almost empty and none of his co-workers are there. The only other persons in the room are two girls sitting in the other end of the restaurant, heavily engaged in a conversation. Isak turns his attention back to Even.

“Hm maybe,” Even says. “I just can’t resist coming here, though,”

“Oh, yeah?” Why’s that?” Isak flirts.

“I don’t know, the food is really good?” Even says.

“The food is really good?” Isak says. “It must be very good for all the tips you are leaving.”

“It is,” Even insists. “And there is my favourite waiter, of course. Very charming and service minded. Always up for giving valuable recommendations on the food. ”

“Hm, sounds like a great waiter,” Isak says and leans over the counter slightly.

“It is, the best waiter in the world probably,” Even says. “He’s super hot too. Especially when he’s wearing his uniform.”

Since the restaurant is so quiet Isak lingers at the bar while Even’s food is prepared. Even is sitting at the bar watching Isak’s moves as he works. Every once in a while Isak will look up to find Even looking at him with a wide smile on his face.

After Even has left with his food Isak doesn’t even have time to go back into the kitchen  until he is ambushed by Sasha.

“Okay what’s going on with you and that guest. Isn’t that ‘tip-guy’ by the way? I saw the two of you and how he looked at you.”  

Isak can feel himself panic for a few seconds and tries to come up with some sort of excuse. Sasha looks at him with a curious look on her face.

“Uh…” he starts.

“Do you have a thing or something?” Sasha presses. “He was looking at you like you hung the moon or something, and you didn’t look any better.”

Isak can feel himself blush and there is no use in looking away. Sasha can see right through him.

“You are?” she exclaims loudly.

Everyone in the kitchen looks up at the sudden sound and she immediately clams her hand over her mouth before dragging him through the kitchen to the pantry, ignoring the curious looks from the others.

“Spill!” she says as she closes the door behind them.

Isak isn’t sure where to begin. Dating a customer is not in line with their policy and even if he doubts Reine would care, he feels embarrassed. If the others finds out he will never hear the end of it.

“We have a thing…” Isak confirms to the floor. “Or yeah it’s my boyfriend, I guess.”

When he looks up again, Sasha throws herself around his neck excitedly.

“Oh my god,” she says. “Wow, did you know him before? Why didn’t you tell us?”

He looks her seriously in the eye.

“You can’t tell anyone about this. No one knows yet. Just a few of his friends.”

Her excitement fades slightly but she nods.

“You can trust me,” she promises.  

So he tells her. His heart is hammering in his chest the entire time but he ends up telling her everything. From his first meeting with Even to Even having run into him as he tried to get his friend home, and how they have been seeing each other ever since. He tells her that he’s completely fallen in love with Even and how happy Even makes him. He tells her that he is scared of people’s reactions, but that the thought of not being with Even scares him even more.

“I’m so happy for you!” Sasha says. “That’s why you’ve looked so much happier recently, isn’t it?”

Isak nods, smiling at her.

“Yeah,” he says. “ I guess so.”

“Wow, that’s amazing!” Sasha says. “He’s really handsome.”

“Yeah, he is!”

“And he’s taking care of you right? He’s treating you right?” Sasha presses.

“He is,” Isak says. “He’s amazing in every way possible. I don’t even know what he sees in me, to be honest.”

Sasha gives him a stern look.

“Don’t say that,” she says. “Why are you scared of what people might think anyway?”

Isak is quiet as he tries to come up with the right thing to say.

“I don’t know,” he says. “He’s 32 and I’m only 20. It feels like we are not meant to be together, I guess. I’m scared that he is going to realise that I’m too young and childish for him and that he will get bored of me or something. I’m scared that we’ll realise that we are at different places in life. That was Even’s best friend’s concern anyway.”

“But…” Sasha says.

“He’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time and I really really like him. He makes me happy and feel safe.”

“So, screw what other people might think. If he makes you happy and you like him that’s all that matters. My dad is 15 years older than my mom and they are still happily married. She was just a year older than you when they met.”

Isak nods.

“You are right. Things just feel complicated. He has a daughter who is sixteen. She doesn’t know about me yet.”

“It’s going to be okay, Isak.”

When Isak walks home later during the afternoon it almost feels like something heavy has been lifted off his body and he hadn’t realised he was carrying it until he was released from its pressure. He doesn’t feel scared or stressed out that Sasha knows. It makes him happy and relieved that there is at least one person he won’t have to watch his tongue in front of. It makes him believe that he can be strong enough to tell other people too. Sana, Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus. Maybe Alfred and Nils. He wants to call Even and tell him his good news, but he’s pretty sure Even is still at work and he doesn’t want to bother him.

His news can wait until tomorrow when he’ll be able to see Even again in person.

-

Isak waits for Even at their usual table at the cafe they have been going to recently. He’s finally going to have Even to himself for the entire night. He can’t wait until he gets to fall asleep next to the other man without either of them having to leave. Ellie is supposed to have a sleepover with her friend, Even had excitedly announced this moment when he called Isak on his way to work the day before.

While he waits, he reads through the group chat with the boys.

 

**I know it’s like two weeks left**  
**but I’m already looking forward**  
**to us going out again. It’s going**  
**to be just like old times!!!**

**Yeah, too bad Jonas won’t**  
**be there though! Hey, Isak**  
**We can be at your place right?**

 

**Yeah sure!**

**Wow, a reply from Isak in**  
less than a minute!  


 

 

 

**Wow, Mags! The sarcasm is**  
**Strong.**

 

**No but seriously**  
**We thought you had**  
**been kidnapped or**  
**something. What’s going**  
**on bro?**

  
**Nothing is going on.**  
**I’m busy. You know with studies**  
**At uni. To become a doctor!**  
**And save lives!**

  
**Bro, relax! This is why**  
**You need a boys night!**  
**You are stressing too much!**

**Whatever -_-**

 

He's about to put his phone away he another message from Muta pops up on the screen. 

 

**Hey! Whats up?**

**Hi! I’m waiting for Even**  
**Actually. You?**

**Me and Adam were going to**  
**eat some pizza and watch football**  
**tomorrow. Wanna join? :)**

**Sounds great.**  
**I’m not sure Even is free**  
**though. I can ask him?**

**Yeah but Even knows**  
**nothing about football**  
**We want to hang out with you!**  
**Even will just complain the**  
**whole time and try to steal you**  
**away. Just like last time!**

**Haha. I’ll text you**  
**Tomorrow :)**

**Awesome! Say hi to Even**  
**for me.**

 

 

He puts down his phone with a huge grin on his face and looks up just in time for Even to enter through the door.

“What are you so happy about?” he says curiously as he leans over the table and gives Isak a quick peck on the lips.

“Mutta!” Isak says. “He and Adam invited me over for pizza and football tomorrow.”

Even grins.

“Sounds great, are you going to go? I mean I’ve already promised my parents to come over to their place…but you should go. It’d be good for you.”

“Yeah, I’m not sure you were even invited” Isak says cheekily. “They think you are just going to complain and then steal me again.”

“Steal you? What do they think about me? Do you belong to them now or something?” Even says, his voice mocking offence.

“Haha, yeah,” Isak laughs.

“Are you going to steal all my friends?” Even pouts. “With that endearing smile of yours you are going to have them all wrapped around your fingers soon.”

Isak blushes because Even just called him endearing. No one has ever referred to him being endearing before.

“I’m not going to steal your friends,” Isak whispers. “I promise...”

“You are so nice!” Even whispers.

They have a drink of coffee before they leave the cafe and make their way back to Even’s place. Isak has not been there since that fateful morning. He barely remembers what it looks like or how they got there after they had left Mutta and Adam at the bar. Isak can’t help but tense up a little bit as Even parks the car in the garage and takes them through the corridor to the elevator. Neither of them says anything for the ride to Even’s floor.

“Welcome!” Even says as he unlocks the door.

Isak steps into the huge open plan kitchen and living space. Even takes Isak’s coat and hangs it in one of the closets to the right of the door. Then he takes Isak’s hand in his and guides him through the apartment with a timid smile on his face. Isak smiles back.

“This is the kitchen,” he says. “Here’s where we cook our food and eat our breakfast at the island. And here’s our coffee machine. The most important thing in the house.”

They move over to the living room area which consists of two couches. One which faces the TV and also sections the living room part from the kitchen. The other one facing away from a huge window. A huge fluffy rug covers the floor between the couches. The wall behind the TV is covered with bookshelves which are filled with books.

“And here is the living room. Here I watch movies or read. Sometimes I sleep here too.” Even continues.

“You sound like a youtuber that is giving a house tour,” Isak says with a smirk.

“I was going for an MTV cribs-style, but okay,” Even says.

“How old are you?” Isak says.

“What,” Even says. “I’m not that old. It used to be on TV when I was a kid. I watched it after school sometimes.”

“Okay, you oldie,” Isak says. “Then show me the rest of the house then,”

“Okay, the next room might be the most important of them all but you’ve already seen it,” Even says and leads Isak to his bedroom.

“Yes, I clearly remember this room,” Isak comments. “I don’t remember it being this messy though” he teases.

The room is not that messy. Especially compared to Isak’s own standards, but he loves teasing Even and watching the other man’s face light up.

“Huh, this is not messy? You think this is messy, do you?” Even says. “You should see Ellie’s room then!”

Even takes up a pillow from the floor and throws it at Isak’s face. Isak retorts by throwing it right back at the other man, causing Even to tackle him to the soft mattress.

“Stop!” Isak laughs as Even straddles him on the bed and tickles him mercilessly. “Don’t!”

He desperately tries to wiggle free and wrestle Even off of him but Even is pinning him down and is way too strong.

“Okay, I give up,” Isak gasps.

Even stops in his motions, his grip on Isak relaxing slightly. Instead he looks Isak intensely in the eye. Neither of them say anything for a little while as Even lays down next to him letting their noses touch and fingers intertwine. They stay lying like that until Isak’s stomach starts to growl, causing Even to chuckle softly.

“Let’s make you some dinner,” he mumbles and gives Isak one last kiss between his eyebrows.  

Three hours later Isak is almost asleep, his head resting on Even’s chest. The other man trails patterns on his back and Isak rests his hand on the side of Even’s neck. Everything feels so perfect at the moment. Like Isak could spend the rest of his life just like this and still be the happiest person in the world. He honestly doesn’t think he needs anything besides this. Besides him and Even wrapped up in warm and cosy blankets, sprawled out on Even’s huge couch. He doesn’t need parties when he can lie on Even’s chest with eyes closed and feel Even’s calm breaths beneath his cheek. He doesn’t need to get shitfaced when he can spend a night cooking sushi with Even instead, and have the other man stand behind him and wrap his arms around his waist to teach him how to make the perfect piece of sushi. He only needs this. He only needs Even in any way the universe will let him. Being dependent on people used to scare him but Even has cracked all his walls open. And with Even he is not scared.

“Even?” he whispers.

“Mm,” the other man replies absently.

“I told Sasha about us today. She saw us together and made the connection. She asked if we had a thing or something.”

“What did you tell her?”

Even’s hold on him tightens slightly.

“That you are my boyfriend,” Isak says quietly.

“Boyfriend? I like the sound of that.” Even says. “How did she react?”

Isak smiles.

“She thinks it’s amazing and that you are really handsome!” he replies.

Even chuckles next to Isak’s ear.

Half an hour later they make love on Even’s couch and Even is so tender with him. So so gentle.  

Another ten minutes later and there are keys in the door. Neither of them have time to do anything and before they have had a chance to even react the door opens and a girl steps in. A girl that must be Ellie. Even pushes Isak off of him in panic and Isak almost falls out of the couch. He scrambles for the blanket to cover himself. The girl looks at them in shock. Looks at Even and then at Isak.

She looks embarrassed but as a few agonizing seconds pass her face changes to angry.

Isak looks at Even, desperate for the other man to look back. To give him some sort of comfort. Some form of reassurance that everything will be okay. Even doesn’t look at him. He doesn’t hold out his hand for Isak to take. He doesn’t offer any reassurance. Isak is left standing there naked and exposed under Ellie’s judgemental eyes. He can feel it. Everything has just gone to hell. Just like that.

“What the fuck is this?” she shouts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... there's that. Please let me know what you thought in the comments. It would mean a lot to hear your opinions!!!
> 
> Did you expect this to happen? What do you think about Ellies reactiona and what do you think will happen next? In this chapter I wanted to focus a lot on Isak feeling comfortable and happy around Even which eases some of the loneliness. At the same time I wanted to portray how disconnected he is from other people. But now Sasha knows about them. It was important for me to let Isak have someone aswell and even if it's just Sasha at the moment it means alot to Iska to have that someone. And he's actually starting to think he will be able to let other people too. Only now he's more scared that they will be angry and disappointed because he's not told them before. So for Isak things have just gotten better and better even if there are lot's of insecurities still for him to deal with. He's starting to become friends with Mutta and Adam and him and Even are more in love than ever. Isak truly believes that everything will be okay. But then Ellie comes home even if she was supposed to be away the whole night. Why do you think that is? Anyway, things changes in that instance because she was not supposed to find out that way and for her to find her dad having sex with another man on their couch is a huge shock. Especially considering he's not been dating seriously in years and she knows her dad very well. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter and until next time, take care :)


	12. Please, Ellie?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, an update within a week :) wiiihoooo! 
> 
> This chapter has me very nervous because a lot of things happen that might upset people. I really hope you will like it though! As always I feel so happy and grateful for all your wonderful words in the form of comments. I love hearing your thoughts and reflections and they make me so inspired and motivated. This fic now has the most kudos of all my fics wich feels amazing. Over 400 <3 I feel so grateful. I've also got nearly 300 comments which is also amazing!!! Thank you so much to all of you!!!! 
> 
> And to Steffi of course, my wonderful beta, who puts up with my demanding questions and typos at two am in the morning <3 <3

Even has always hated confrontations and conflicts. Ever since he was a child he has shied away from them and avoided them at any cost. His parents never fought much when he grew up and they rarely, if ever, screamed at him. Yet, he had developed a fear of shouting and screaming. He was, what you could call a delicate child. A child that cried for the dead animals he found in the garden or when someone yelled at him. A child that hated being told off and being in arguments with people. 

As a grown up this fear has become one of his shortcomings. He has been so scared of confrontation that he has cowardly run away from them instead. Left people behind out of fear of their anger. It had happened with the boys, after he kissed Mikael. 

Even if he was manic at the time he still remembers so clearly the look on Mikael’s face as he broke the kiss. Shock, disbelief, pitty, sadness. Even has no idea which one felt worse at the time but he remembers them all vividly. He remembers his own shame, the same that he had carried inside his heart as he fell in love with his friend. His best friend. The aftermath had been chaos. His friends had been shocked and confused, and Even had been ashamed and spiraling even further. 

He had ended up scribbling quotes from the Quran in one of the bathrooms at Bakka. He had crashed violently afterwards and the depression had been the deepest yet. Nothing could make him leave bed. Not even Ellie. He had spent his days alone with his dark thoughts until his parents realised that they wouldn’t be able to handle it on their own. Especially when Even expressed that he didn’t want to live anymore. He had been admitted to the psychiatric hospital and put on suicide watch. The time in hospital had possibly been even worse because he was all alone most of the time. But he had gotten better, the thought of Ellie had made him want to become better more than anything else. Without her he probably wouldn’t be alive. It had taken a long time to get back on his feet and when he had, he had been too scared to confront his friends whom he had completely erased from his life. 

So Even really hates confrontation and now he is facing yet another one. The third one in a matter of a few weeks. Mikael, Isak and now Ellie. 

If there is anything Even truly fears in his life, it is disappointing Ellie. It’s always there in the back of his mind, the constant fear of letting her down. Of not being what she deserves, of not being enough. Of failing her. 

“Dad?” 

“Even?” 

Even is a deer caught in headlights. Ellie is looking for answers, she is demanding them and she is furious. Isak is looking for comfort and he is confused and upset. 

Even can’t move to reach out to Isak. He just looks pleadingly at Ellie, with a sigh she turns around. 

He gets dressed in jerky motions and watches Isak put on his clothes in silence. Isak’s head is bowed in shame and his fingers are trembling. Once he is done he looks up at Even and gives him an awkward smile. His face seems pale. 

“I should go,” he says. “I’ll…” 

“Yeah,” Even says. 

There are no kisses goodbye, no hugs. Even just grasps for Isak’s hand as he is about to leave and squeezes it awkwardly. 

“I’ll call you,” he whispers. 

Isak looks at him. His lips are tight when he nods. 

“Yeah okay,” he says. 

It’s not until after Isak has left that Even realises he has accidently put on Isak’s t-shirt. Instead of his own plain one he is wearing Isak’s Jesus t-shirt. 

Ellie is standing in the middle of the room, arms crossed and face tense. 

“What the hell, dad?” she says. “What is going on?” 

Even swallows thickly. 

“I thought you were going to have a sleepover?” he says dumbly. 

“Well I’m not” she says. “What the hell was that? Who was he?”

“Can we sit down?” Even pleads because he would much rather have this conversation with her when she is not standing right in front of him. “There is food left, if you are hungry?”

She shakes her head frantically. 

“I’m not going to sit down on that couch,” she mutters. 

“At the table then?” Even suggests and she nods. 

They sit down at the table and Ellie immediately crosses her arms over her chest again. Even can feel his heart beating in his chest and his palms feel sweaty. He presses them into his jeans nervously. 

“What’s going on dad?” Ellie says and though she seems a bit calmer Even can still sense the irritation in her voice. “Who was that guy?” 

Even sighs and rubs his face. 

“It’s… his name is Isak. We have been seeing each other for a while.”

_ “I told her you are my boyfriend” _

“How long is a while?” Ellie asks suspiciously. 

“Uh, we met in January I think, maybe early February?” 

“What?” Ellie exclaims. “That’s like two months. How could you not tell me? Wait, that’s why you’ve been acting so fucking weird lately, isn’t it? Why you’ve been ‘out with your friends’,” Ellie says and makes air quotes before she continues. “That’s why you’ve been doing so many random things, isn’t it`? You’ve been seeing this Isak guy, right?” 

Even sighs again. Sometimes she is so freaking dramatic. 

“Yes, Ellie,” he says tiredly. 

He feels dumb because he had really thought she hadn’t noticed. 

“Why did you lie to me then?” she says. “Why did you say you were going out with friends. Why aren’t you honest with me? I thought we told each other stuff? “ 

“I don’t know. It just happened. At first it was nothing but a stupid fling but then it just turned into something more. I just wasn’t ready to tell you. I just wanted to know for sure…”

“What do you mean?” Ellie asks. 

“That I’m serious about him. I really like him and I wanted to know for real before I said something. I was going to tell you soon. I swear. I just didn’t expect you to walk in on us. You said you were going to have a sleepover with Ida.”

“I changed my mind,” Ellie says. “Anyway, don’t change the subject! Who is this Isak guy? How did you meet him?”

Even feels tired, it’s the middle of the night and he really wants to call Isak to make sure he is alright. 

“Can’t we talk about this tomorrow instead?” he tries. 

“You fucked a guy on our couch,” Ellie exclaims loudly. “I want answers.” 

“Okay,” Even says. “His name is Isak, we met at the restaurant he works at when me and Mikael had lunch there. I guess we flirted a little bit and then I got back to the restaurant a few times and we started talking. Then I ran into him one night and offered to give him a ride home. Like I said things just happened. One thing led to another.”

“And what, you are dating now?” Ellie asks.

Even nods.

“Wow, how old is he even? He looked really young,”

The one question Even would rather not answer at the moment because Ellie is already angry and upset with him. If she learns that he is dating someone who is only four years older than her she is bound to become even angrier. He is not wrong.

“Really dad? This is not like you at all. What even is this? What’s going on?” 

Even doesn’t answer and Ellie stares at him in silence for a little while. 

“Wait,” she says. “Have you been taking your medication?” 

It feels like a slap to the face. How can she honestly say something like this to him?”

“Really, Ellie?” he says weakly, voice thick and throat lumpy. “You had to say that to me right now?”

He doesn’t even bother to hide the hurt and Ellie seems to understand how much her words have affected him. 

“What am I supposed to believe?” her voice is softer but there is still a hint of defensiveness. “You have not dated anyone in years. Never expressed your want to meet someone either, and then suddenly you start seeing a 20-year-old boy you met randomly at a restaurant. You make up lies to me to see him. What am I supposed to think?” 

He can’t do this anymore so he stands up from the table and leaves her sitting. He closes the door to his bedroom and lies down on his bed. He presses the fabric of Isak’s t-shirt to his nose. It smells like Isak. 

-

He doesn’t speak to Ellie all morning but he texts Mikael and tells him what has happened and Mikael immediately suggests them meeting. 

“Are you going to tell me ‘I told you so?’” Even asks as he looks at his best friend who sits across the table from him. 

Mikael sighs. 

“Of course not,” he says calmly. “You know I wouldn’t do that!”

Even takes a sip of his coffee and nibbles at his sandwich. He’s really not that hungry. He has just told Mikael about the utter fiasco with Ellie and Isak. The exact thing Mikael had warned him about weeks ago. 

“It was horrible,” Even says. 

“I’m sure it’s going to be okay,” Mikael says reassuringly. “She just needs time. Walking in on the two of you was just a lot. Have you talked to Isak yet?”

“Yeah, just briefly though.” Even says. “But he is actually going to meet Mutta and Adam tonight.” 

Mikael smiles. 

“The two of them are really fond of him, aren’t they?” he says. 

Even nods. 

“At least somebody is…” he says.

He’s pretty sure Mikael still doesn’t like Isak but only tolerates him for Even’s sake and now he has to worry about Ellie liking his boyfriend as well, but with the start the two of them got it’s an uphill climb. 

“She asked if I was taking my medication so she probably thinks I’m spiraling or something,” Even says quietly so that no one else can hear him. 

“She asked you that?” Mikael seems shocked. “She shouldn’t have said that. That was not fair of her at all.”

“Yeah,” Even says. 

“I’m sure she will realise,” Mikael says. “Just give her time, it’s going to be okay.”

\- 

Isak calls him later that night as Even has just gone to bed. It feels weird talking to him so openly with Ellie in the next room. It’s not the relieved feeling he had hoped to feel but at least he doesn’t have to be worried about her overhearing. He’s still not talked to her since yesterday night, and right now he is too hurt by her words that he’s not going to try either. 

“Hey,” Isak says.

“Hi,” Even answers. “How are you? Did you have a fun night?” 

“I’m okay. It was a good night. Mutta and Adam are nice. We bought pizzas and watched the game and just talked a bit. They even showed me a few pictures of you from school.”

Even finds himself smiling. 

“Did they?” he asks. 

“Yeah, you were really cute,” Isak says. “Anyway, how are you? How are things at home?”

Even sinks further into his pillows with a heavy sigh. He can hear Ellie rumble around in the kitchen and he is pretty sure she knows that he is talking to Isak. 

“I don’t know,” he says honestly and decides not to tell Isak about Ellie thinking he is manic. Isak doesn’t need to hear that right now.

“It’s a little awkward I guess. She won’t really look at me. I don’t know, it’s just weird. It feels like I’ve let her down or something and that she can’t look at me without…”

“...Seeing us,” Isak adds. 

“Yeah,” Even mutters. “I just hope she’ll get over it. She is just so upset and I’m not sure how to fix it,”

Isak hums in response and Even feels guilty. He can tell that Isak is upset about the whole situation and that he still feels embarrassed. He knows he made Isak even more upset by completely distancing himself from Isak the moment Ellie walked in on them. As if they hadn’t made love mere minutes earlier. 

“I guess that means I won’t be coming over for a little while,” Isak jokes unhappily and when neither of them laughs he quickly adds; “sorry.”

“It’s okay. Let’s give it a few days.  I’m sure everything will be fine!” Even says stoically. 

“Okay, goodnight,” Isak mumbles.

“Goodnight, baby” he says automatically. 

He hangs up with Isak and realises he forgot to take his medication so he pushes the duvet off of him and stands up. Ellie is sitting at the table drawing. She looks up as Even enters the room. 

“Baby?” she comments with a small grimace. “Really?” 

Even ignores her completely on his way to the bathroom, but once he is there he locks the door and sinks down on the toilet seat in exhaustion. 

-

He doesn’t see Ellie for breakfast the morning after. Usually they will have at least a few minutes together during the mornings when Even is getting ready to leave and Ellie drinks her coffee. Now she remains in her room until he leaves. 

He tries not to think about it at work. He tries to focus on the tasks in front of him but it’s hard, and he can tell how distracted he is and despite his best efforts his co-workers can too.  It’s a relief when he finally gets to leave and head home. 

Even from outside the door he can smell the scent of brownies and as he opens the door the smell intensifies. Ellie is standing in the kitchen, cleaning the counter and as he enters she looks up and gives him a hesitant smile. 

“Hi,” she says.

“Hey,” Even mumbles. 

“I’ve made you brownies,” she says. “And I bought you that ice cream you like.” 

Even stops in his tracks. 

“I’m sorry about the other day,” she says. “I shouldn’t have said that to you. It was stupid and mean and unfair.”

Even nods. 

“Okay,” he says. 

“I really mean it, dad,” she says as she walks up to him. “I’m really sorry.”  

He wraps his arms around her and kisses the top of her head. 

“Thank you,” he says. 

She gestures to the couch. 

“Why don’t you sit down and I will make you some coffee?” 

Even sits down on the couch gratefully, and a few minutes later Ellie joins him, balancing two cups of coffee, two plates of brownies and ice cream on a tray. She sits down on the opposite couch. Even takes a bite of the brownie and a sip of the coffee. 

“Can we talk about Isak again?” he asks carefully. “Without shouting this time?” 

“Yeah okay,” she says and sits up straighter on the couch. 

“I get that it must have been a real shock for you to walk in like that and I’m sorry you had to find out like that. If I knew you’d be home I wouldn’t have done that and I was going to tell you soon anyway. Like I said I wanted to be ready. Both Isak and I agreed to wait a bit just to be ready. I really like him. It might be hard to understand, especially when you don’t know him, but I really like him and I want to be with him. You don’t have to like it straight away and you can take your time with it. I just don’t want things to be awkward. Do you know what I mean?”

Ellie nods slowly. 

“I’m still mad that you didn’t tell me and that you kept so many things from me, and I have a hard time wrapping my head around all this with him being so young.” she says. “Like he could be my older brother. I don’t want him to become some weird step dad for me or something.”

“It won’t be like that. Will you at least agree to meet him again sometime?” Even pleads. “It would mean a lot to me.” 

“I don’t know…” she starts. 

“Please?” Even says. “I’m sure if you met him it would make things different.” 

“Okay,” 

-

Isak’s face is pale as snow and his hand is clammy in Even’s. He has not said anything on their entire walk and just hummed in response to Even’s attempts to calm him down. Even wishes he could say he isn’t nervous as well, but he really is. Ellie and Isak are going to meet again. Only in a more neutral setting and hopefully with less shouting. It feels like everything relies on this meeting. He doesn’t know how to react if Ellie doesn’t like Isak. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Even says again and again and again during their walk. 

It feels like he is convincing himself more than Isak because he’s pretty sure Isak is not listening to him at all. They have agreed on meeting Ellie at a restaurant and hopefully the food will make things less awkward, and Ellie and Isak will be able to get along. 

Their dinner is tense and awkward from the beginning. Isak is visibly nervous and tries his best to act normal, and Ellie is suspicious of Isak. Every time Isak tries to ask her something she will answer in the shortest way possible and barely asks any questions back. 

“Your dad has told me lots about you” Isak tries and Ellie rolls her eyes sarcastically.

“Has he? I highly doubt that,” she says. “He’s definitely not told me anything about you. So what are you doing, Isak?” 

Her tone is not unfriendly per se but she doesn’t show any real enthusiasm or interest either. 

Isak laughs nervously and looks for Even for comfort. Even squeezes his hand under the table. 

“I’m in uni actually,” he says. “I’m a med-student and I also work extra at a restaurant. Where I met Even.” 

She nods quietly. 

“What kind of doctor do you want to become?” Even asks and realises they have never talked about that. Isak has a few years left and then what? Where does he want to work?”

Isak gives him a thankful smile as his eyes focus to Even’s. 

“I don’t know honestly, there are so many fields. Probably not children though,” he says. 

“Don’t you like children?” Ellie asks. 

Isak shrugs. 

“I guess not,” he laughs nervously. “I’ve never been good with them and stuff,” 

“Dad loves children,” Ellie says unhelpfully and looks at Even. “He always wanted more than one. Right dad?”

Isak looks down and Even feels his cheeks heat up. That’s one more thing they have not talked about. They have lived in their small bubble for a few weeks but never stopped to think about what will happen in the future. Children has always been a dream of Even’s and especially now that his friends are becoming fathers. He’s never even reflected on the fact that Isak might not want to have children or be ready for them in years. 

“We’ve not talked about those things, yet,” Even says. “And I already have one child. That’s all I really need.”

It doesn’t get better from there and the whole time he can sense that Isak wants to leave. His boyfriend is trying to have a conversation with Ellie, but everything is stiff and there is nothing for them to really talk about. When they say goodnight half an hour later, Isak looks a bit defeated. Ellie is standing a few feet away with her nose in her phone and Even takes Isak’s hands in his. 

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” Isak asks uncertainly and smiles awkwardly. 

“Yeah, of course,” Even reassures. “Did you think you could get rid off me or what?”

Isak smiles. 

“No,” he says. “I hope not,” 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Even promises and gives Isak a hug and a kiss. 

He watches Isak’s back as the other man leaves and when he reaches the corner of the street and disappears Even turns back to Ellie. He wants to say something but he can’t come up with a single good thing to say to her so he doesn’t. Apparently she can’t either. 

-

When Isak opens the door the next day Even can tell that he’s been thinking a lot about the night before. He looks tired and restless, but he smiles happily as he lets Even inside and gratefully sinks into Even’s embrace. 

“Hey,” he whispers. 

“Hi,” Even answers. 

They buy some pizza from an Italian restaurant because none of them feel like cooking. After yesterday he just wants to spend the night on Isak’s couch, watching TV or playing Fifa and being completely carefree. 

He had been open about his plans to spend the night with Isak and told Ellie straight away. She had pretended not to care and told him that she was going to work out anyway, but Even suspects that she is annoyed with him. 

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” Even says as the two of them eat their pizza in front of the tv. “I know how uncomfortable you were and I’m sorry about Ellie. She usually isn’t like that. I just think she needs some time to get used to this. To us.” 

“It’s not your fault. I just want her to like me,” Isak mumbles. “It’s probably stupid but I want her to think I’m good enough for you.” 

“You are, Isak. Of course you are. Just give it some time,” 

Even rubs Isak’s back. 

“At least there are no more secrets,” Isak mumbles. “At least we can be more open and not worry about people finding out.”

Isak’s body sinks down slightly and he leans against Even’s side. 

“Yeah,” Even mumbles and kisses Isak’s temple. “I’m so happy when I get to be with you” 

“Not as happy as I get when I’m with you,” Isak says cheesily. “That’s impossible,”

It’s almost impossible for him to leave Isak’s apartment. Impossible because Isak is so damn beautiful next to him and he doesn’t want to get up from the bed. 

“Don’t leave,” Isak whispers. “You need to stay here with me.”

Isak’s fingers run over Even’s naked back as he lies on his stomach watching Isak’s face and all his features. 

“Need to?” Even smiles. “Aren’t you demanding?” 

“Please?” Isak says. “Please, stay the night with me,” 

Even smiles and bops Isak’s nose.

“Next time I promise I’ll stay the night with you.”

It’s way past midnight when he finally steps inside their apartment and quietly makes his way to the bathroom. The door to Ellie’s room is quiet and the apartment is dark. 

-

Despite the rough introduction of Isak to Ellie, Even is adamant to continue to see his boyfriend like he normally would and not let Ellie’s attitude get in their way. 

He figures that the best approach is to just let Ellie come to terms with his relationship on her own rather than to force something on her or pretend that Isak doesn’t exist in his life.

So, during the following week he and Isak continue to have dinner together or meet up for lunch when Isak doesn’t have uni and Even’s project allows him to take an hour long break. He spends the night at Isak’s even if it means waking up early and leaving Isak in the warm bed to make it to work in time. 

All in all, not much has changed for them. The only thing is that there are no more secrets, and even if Ellie is less than happy at the moment it still feels like a huge weight has been lifted off Even’s shoulders. With just a little time Ellie will get to know Isak and then everything will be okay. He is not sure he is ready to bring Isak back to their apartment yet though. It’s enough that Ellie gives him weird looks whenever he receives a text or a phone call from Isak, or when he gets back from a date. 

It’s the weekend before Easter and all the public holidays which means that Even will have a few days off from work and Isak won’t have uni. It also means that Ellie will have her Easter break the following week. 

The original plan had been for Ellie to go to Ida’s family’s cabin like she usually does, but this year she has decided to stay home instead. Even has no idea why and when he had asked her she had just told him she wanted to spend the week chilling at home. Even had honestly hoped to get to spend some time alone with Isak without having to worry about either of them being uncomfortable. Isak hasn’t really said anything but Even is not stupid. He knows that Ellie’s reluctance affects Isak more than Isak is willing to let on. He knows he won’t be able to keep them separated forever and sooner or later they will have to interact again. Especially considering that Isak has become increasingly more important in his life recently. 

He takes Isak out for breakfast on Sunday. He’s been to this place a few times with Ellie and once or twice with his friends, but with Isak it feels extra special. Isak is like a child on Christmas and excitedly makes his way through the huge selection of different breakfast items, and Even has a feeling that Isak rarely, if ever, spends money on breakfast at a restaurant. Therefore Even likes to do these kind of things with Isak. Even knows that Isak stresses about his money situation. Not that Isak is struggling to make ends meet, but without his work he wouldn’t be able to pay rent and food, and spending money on restaurants is not something Isak can afford to do on a daily basis. Still Isak tries to pay for himself almost every time. This time is no exception. 

“Even…” Isak protests.

“No, baby,” Even says gently. “I invited you. It is my treat, okay? You can buy me a coffee or something.”

“It’s not the same though,” Isak says. “You always buy me things…”

It’s not the first time they have had this discussion. Not even the second. Even puts his arm around Isak’s slim waist.

“That’s because I love to treat you,” Even says. “Look, once you are a fancy doctor you will earn much more money than I do and you’ll be able to buy me things as well. Okay?” 

“Yeah, okay!” Isak mumbles with a small smile. 

A few minutes later Isak is eating nutella pancakes with fresh strawberries, his face and features seemingly relaxed and happy. 

His thoughts about money seem all gone for now. 

“Are you excited to see your friends on Friday?” Even asks. 

“Yeah, I think so,” Isak says. “Magnus can be a lot though but it will be good to see them. Are you and Ellie going to do something?” 

Even drinks his coffee. 

“Yeah, we are probably just going to see my parents. Nothing too exciting,” he answers. 

Isak hums in response as he digs into his fourth pancake. Even can’t take his eyes off the other man in front of him. Even honestly thinks this is his favourite part of Isak. Of all the different sides of himself Isak has shown during their relationship this carefree and relaxed version is the one Even likes the most. He loves seeing Isak happy

“What?” Isak looks up and notices Even staring at him. “Do I have nutella on my face or something?”

Even smiles.

“No, I’m just thinking that you are beautiful,” he says. 

-

Two days later Even manages to convince Ellie to let him have Isak over. She is not overly enthusiastic about it but she seems to sense Even’s determination and stubbornness and gives in before announcing that she won’t be at home anyway. 

“Are you sure about this?” Isak asks for the tenth time. “We can just be at my place if you want to. I don’t want to invade your apartment or something, or make Ellie uncomfortable. It’s okay, really, Even. We don’t have to do this.” 

Even has just picked Isak up with the car on the way home from work. It is pouring outside and absolutely freezing, but hopefully this will mean that the last bit of snow will disappear and that spring will arrive for real. 

“It’s okay. Ellie won’t be home for most of the evening anyway,” Even says. “But she knows you are coming over and she is okay with it. As long as we leave the couch alone this time,” he jokes.

Isak’s cheeks heat up and he buries his head in his hands. 

“Let’s not ever mention it again,” he mutters, clearly embarrassed.

Even laughs. 

“We don’t have to talk about it ever again,” he agrees. 

They arrive to an empty apartment which means that Ellie must have left already. She has left a huge mess in the kitchen though and clearly didn’t bother to empty the dishwasher even though she has been home all day. The counter is full of dirty dishes. 

“I’m sorry about the mess,” Even says but Isak just smiles and waves Even’s excuses off. 

“I’ve seen worse,” he says. “So what do you want to do today?” 

They play some board games but it turns out Isak is such a sore loser that they almost end up in an argument when Isak accusess Even of cheating. 

“I’m not cheating, baby” Even laughs as Isak is pouting in front of him. “God you are so adorable with that pout.” 

“Stop calling me adorable,” Isak mutters. “I don’t want to play with you anymore.” 

Even rolls his eyes. 

“I didn’t know you were such a sore loser,” he smiles. 

“I’m not.” Isak protests. “You are the one that is cheating.” 

“You are a sore loser, baby, and you are adorable” Even says fondly. “C’mon, let’s do something else then.”

They move on to the couch were they end up going through some childhood photos from the album Even’s mother had given him last Christmas. It contains photos of both him and Ellie as babies.

“You were adorable,” Isak says “Look at that smile. You still have that smile. It’s my favourite thing about you.” 

“Yeah. I was a pretty happy kid, I guess,” Even comments. 

“You look a lot like your mom actually,” Isak comments as he continues to look through the album. 

“Yeah a lot of people say that,” Even says. 

Isak looks at him with a smile. 

“This is such a nice thing to have. I kind of wish I had something like this. Most pictures of me are probably on some forgotten memory card or crashed hard drive.” 

“Really?” Even says surprised. “Don’t your parents have one?” 

Isak shrugs. 

“I don’t think my dad does. He probably doesn’t care enough. My mother has one though. When I lived with her we used to go through it sometimes. It usually made her calm down.” 

“That sounds nice though. I bet she really liked that,” Even comments. “I wish I could get to see a picture of you though. I want to know what you looked like. I bet you were super cute.” 

“If you promise you won’t laugh I’ll show you a few pictures,” Isak says. “My mom actually sent a few to my phone once and I still think I have them.”

Even nods enthusiastically as he waits for Isak to find the pictures. He can’t imagine anything cuter than baby Isak. 

“Don’t laugh,” Isak says and shows Even the screen. 

“Oh my god,” Even exclaims a he looks at the pictures. “Your hair, baby. You look like an angel. Literally the cutest child I’ve seen.”

Before Isak has a chance to react he sends the photo to himself, ignoring Isak’s weak threats to flush his phone down the toilet. 

“I’m going to keep this forever,” he says.  

-

“You should stay the night,” Even whispers when Isak gets ready to leave in the night. 

They have spent hours looking at pictures and talked about childhood memories. From their favourite tv-shows to Isak telling Even about his memories of his mother before she got sick. 

“Yeah, okay” Isak agrees almost immediately as if he is not ready to let this night end already. 

It is a little after midnight when they crawl under the covers of Even’s bed, and Isak immediately curls up next to Even and nuzzles his nose into Even’s neck. 

“I’m cold,” Isak mumbles and presses his cold feet against Even’s warm legs. 

“Well, I’m going to be cold too if you press those icy cubes against my legs,” Even replies. 

He pulls Isak closer and rubs his back to warm him up. 

“Good night,” Isak mumbles into Even’s chest. 

“Good night, baby,” Even whispers. 

Even wakes up before Isak this morning and after laying awake next to his boyfriend for a few minutes he silently makes his way into the kitchen. He has a quick shower and makes himself a cup of coffee before he starts making breakfast. It’s just 9 am and Isak loves to sleep in which gives Even plenty of time to prepare lots of different things. 10 minutes later the door to Ellie’s room opens and she walks out. Her hair is a messy ponytail and she is wearing her softest pyjama pants and a huge t-shirt. 

“Good morning!” Even says cheerfully. 

“Good morning,” she mumbles.

She walks up to the kitchen island and takes a seat, watching Even cook. 

“Is Isak still here?” she asks wrinkling her nose slightly and gesturing vaguely to all the food Even’s put on the counter in front of her. 

“Yeah, he’s still sleeping,” Even says. “Did you have fun last night? I never heard you come home.”

She nods absently and reaches out to put a fresh blueberry in her mouth.

“There is plenty of food by the way, if you want some. I’m going to make some scrambled eggs too if you want some?” Even continues. 

She nods again and covers her mouth when she yawns. 

By the time Even has made the scrambled eggs and put the final items on the counter, Isak finally walks into the kitchen. He looks adorable with his unruly curls and tired face. He looks a bit uncertain once he spots Ellie sitting by the counter so Even walks up to him and gives him a quick good morning kiss. 

“I’ve made you breakfast,” he says with a soft smile. “Why don’t you sit down and I can make you some coffee.” 

Isak walks over to where Ellie is sitting and sits down next to her. He still looks a bit hesitant about the situation. 

“This is nice,” he says with a small smile. “Hi, Ellie!” 

Ellie looks up from her phone. 

“Hey,” she says. 

Ellie stays mostly quiet and on her phone as the three of them dig into all the food Even has made them. When Isak tries to make conversation with her she only hums and answers shortly before focusing on her phone again. Even gives Isak an encouraging smile, thankful that Isak is making an effort to try to make things work between them. It still hurts a bit that Ellie won’t do the same. 

It doesn’t get better from there despite Even’s best efforts. Ellie is home more than she usually is during a break from school but she still won’t give Isak a real chance. Every time her and Isak interact their conversation is stilted and forced. They simply don’t have anything to talk about. 

Even tries his best to make it work. He takes Isak out for lunches and long walks in the sun.   He offers Ellie to come with them but she is not interested. Even when they are just the two of them because Isak has to study she is awfully moody and quiet. When Isak leaves on Friday afternoon to meet Mahdi and Magnus Even is not surprised when Ellie confronts him about the last few days.

“I don’t like him,” she says frankly. “He’s too young for you. He is young and naive and he’s just going to end up using you. You are so nice and generous to everyone you meet and he will use that. You keep spoiling him by taking him out for dinners and breakfast and whatnot, and I think that he is taking advantage of you. I get that he is attractive and probably fun to hang around with, but do you think he will stick around in the long run? Is he mature enough to support you through an episode or will he just leave you? Does he even know that you have bipolar? You need someone you can lean on. Someone that can support you. Not someone who will leave if things get hard.“

Even rubs his eyes tiredly. Everything had been going so well and now this. 

“Ellie…” he starts.

“How much do you even know about him?” Elie continues. “Have you met his friends? Do they even know about you? It seems like they don’t? Has he even told anyone about you or is he just using you because you keep spoiling him? I know you want something serious. Not some stupid and pointless fling. But what does Isak even want? Is he ready for a relationship like the one you want. You want to get married, you want kids.”

“I really don’t want to have this conversation with you right now,” Even says weakly. “You don’t have to like him but can you at least be civil about it. He’s trying to make an effort you know? Please Ellie?”

“Yeah whatever,” she says dismissively and disappears into her own room.

Even bites the inside of his cheek. He has no idea why she dislikes Isak so much and why she is not willing to give him a chance. It hurts. It hurts because Isak makes him happy and he just wants Ellie to realise that. He wants her to be happy for him. Is that too much to wish for?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you liked this chapter despite the drama. Please let me know what you thought. It would mean a lot. 
> 
> I know Ellie's reaction is a lot and may irritate or anger you. It is understandable and I rather you be angry with her than feel nothing. Just have in mind that she is 16 years old ;) Why do you think she hates Isak so much? Or does she hate him? Even and Isak continue to make it work despite Ellie's reaction and lean on eachother more than ever. While Even is determined to make it work and has the mindset that everything will be okay Isak is a bit more hesitant and worried. Even tries very hard to maintain his and Isak's relationship and keep it the way it was before Ellie came into the picture which might not necessarily be the best approach. Isak is a little more hesitant because he is the one who has to be accepted by Ellie and for him the stakes feel high. He is nervous and rambly and tries to hard. It is not easy for either of them though and they realise that there are things they don't know about eachother and things they don't talk about because they are in a bubble of love. Next chapter we will finally see Magnus and Mahdi!!!! about time right? There's going to be a party and hopefully a big/small revelation? :D 
> 
> Thank you for reading <3


	13. I love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I hope you've all had an amazing weekend :) 
> 
> Firtsly, thank you so much for your wonderful comments on last chapter. Everytime I read your comments I feel so happy and excited. I was worried about last chapter and how you would react. Most of you seem to understand where Ellie was coming from though which make me so happy and relieved! 
> 
> Thanks for leaving kudos and reading! It means the world to me :) 
> 
> And of course, Steffi, I can't thank you enough for all your help <3

Isak looks forward to seeing his friends. As much as he has been worrying about how it is going to be, it feels like a nice break. A break he needs. He wishes for a carefree night. Ever since Ellie found out in that spectacular way things have been intense. Isak has tried to run with it, but the truth is he feels exhausted. Ellie hates him. There is no way around it and Isak can’t pretend everything is okay when it is not. Every time he has shown his face at the apartment she has shown her disinterest and disapproval of him clearly. He understands her, he really does. He’s probably not the most trustworthy person there is so she is bound to question his motives. There is also that cringy age difference. He would lie if he said it doesn’t tear him down though because it does. Even is so determined to make things work, so adamant of acting like nothing has happened. Even will do anything to make sure Isak is comfortable, and he will keep taking him out on dates and bring him over like his daughter doesn’t hate Isak. Even likes to pretend that things will be okay. That with time things will be alright. Isak doesn’t dare to hope. He has tried with Ellie, tried to come up with things to ask, things to talk about, something, anything that they have in common apart from Even.

He has asked her about high school, her interests, what she likes to do with her friends but so far she is not interested in anything he has to say. Instead she gives him suspicious looks and tunes out of conversations. Even pretends he doesn’t notice. Isak pretends he doesn’t care. They are both lying. They both notice and they both care. Still, they are too in love to give up. 

Therefore it feels nice to get a break and step out of his bubble for the first time in weeks. He gets home two hours before Magnus and Mahdi are due to arrive. Just in time to take out the trash and clean up. They have very loose plans for the night. Hang out, drink beer. That’s about it. It will probably be awkward without Jonas as a driving force that brings them all together, but in the back of his mind he knows that they care about him too. He’s just never been as close to them as with Jonas, and they have always been more Jonas’ friends than his. He has never let them in properly and never given them a chance, so it’s mostly his fault anyway.

He texts Mahdi and asks him if he can pick up some snacks on his way over and Mahdi replies with a thumbs up. Luckily, he has already bought his alcohol so he doesn’t have to worry about that. He remembers when they were all under 18 and getting alcohol was much more complicated. Back then when the need to drink had been so much higher than it is now. 

He takes a shower, the first one in a few days in his own apartment. It doesn’t compare to Even’s newly renovated bathroom with a shower that has speakers but it does its job. 

He hasn’t done laundry in ages so his options on what to wear are very limited so he ends up in a pair of plain jeans and an even plainer t-shirt that he layers with a shirt. While he waits for them to arrive he puts on the spotify list Even has created for him. A mixture of their favourite songs and artists as well as songs they have listened to together. 

“Bro, it’s been ages,” Magnus exclaims when he and Mahdi arrive at the same time a little while later. “How many months has it been?”

“It’s good to see you,” Mahdi says, a tad more held back in his enthusiasm, and Isak wonders if he is thinking the same thing Isak does.

Here they are, living in the same freaking city and they still can’t manage to even have a coffee together. Or maybe he is happy with the life he is having now? Maybe he is satisfied with the friends he has met at uni. 

“Come in,” Isak says. “Just make yourselves at home!”

Isak’s couch is a little too small for three people but they squeeze their legs together and make it work. Magnus talks about Cecile and how the two of them are thinking about getting a cat but that they probably won’t because then they wouldn’t be able to  travel to Oslo as easily. Isak wonders if Even likes cats or dogs. Even had once joked that Isak was like a kitten. Soft and cuddly but also a bit grumpy. Even is more like a puppy though, Isak supposes. Excited, friendly, loves to make everyone happy. Once he tunes back in the subject has changed and Mahdi is now talking about the exams he has coming up at the end of the term. 

“What’s going on in your life?” Mahdi says and turns to Isak. “Haven’t heard from you in ages. Even in the group chat. Jonas won’t stop worrying about you. Is everything alright?”

It feels like a thousand questions wrapped up in two. Isak doesn't know how to answer. He has been absent, even for his standards. They are used to him pulling away, especially when things are messed up which they mostly are. But now he has simply tuned out because there has been another person taking up all his time. He probably, no he certainly does owe them some sort of explanation for being so absent all the time. He is just scared of the truth because he has kept lying for so long. It has been the trademark of their friendship. Isak has lied and lied and lied until the truth has come out anyway and his friends have been left disappointed that he didn’t tell them sooner. That’s why he is scared now. Because once again he is keeping secrets for no reason. 

He had always imagined telling Jonas first. When he imagines telling people about Even it is Jonas he is picturing in front of him and the speech in his head is tailored for Jonas’ ears. But Jonas is not here right now and Isak is tired of secrets. He might be scared but he is also tired. He thinks of Even and pictures Even’s smile in his head. Even deserves better than to be a secret. So far Even has been so patient with him but he deserves better. He deserves people to know how happy he makes Isak. 

“Guys, there is something I need to tell you,” Isak says as he pictures Even’s face in front of him. He pictures Even’s hand in his and quietly tells Jonas he is sorry that he is not the first one to know. He promises himself to tell Jonas as soon as he can. 

With a deep breath he tells them about Even. 

-

They both look like they have seen a ghost. 

“You’ve been ghosting us because of a guy?” Magnus says confused. “We thought something was going on with your mom or something.”

“Why did you not tell us?” Mahdi says with a confused look on his face. Confused but not angry or disappointed. 

“Tell us more!” Magnus adds at the same time. “Why did you not bring him here? We want to meet him!”

Isak clears his throat.

“Uh,” he says. “Things are just a bit complicated, I guess.”

“How is it complicated?” Magnus asks. 

“Things. He has a 16-year-old daughter. She is not really fond of me to say the least,” Isak mutters. 

“What? A sixteen-year-old daughter?” Magnus exclaims. “How old is he?” 

Mahdi gives Magnus a stern look and gestures for Isak to continue.

Isak feels his cheeks heat up.

“He’s 32, okay?” he says defensively. 

“Relax,” Mahdi says calmly. “Why is it complicated with his daughter?”

He reluctantly tells them about Ellie and their embarrassing first encounter as well as the horrible dinner. 

“But you really like him?” Magnus says. “Don’t you?”

Isak nods.

“Yeah,” he says. “I really really do!”

“Isn’t that all that matters though?” Magnus says as if it is that easy. 

“Yeah. I think you should focus more on that.” Mahdi says. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Isak mutters and finishes his beer. 

“And 32 is not old,” Magnus says, clearly trying to make up for his past reaction. “I thought he was 50 or something. When you told me that he had a daughter and everything. But 32 is not old. Look at Madonna. Her boyfriend is way younger than she is.”

Mahdi rolls his eyes and sighs heavily. 

“What?” Magnus says looking from Isak to Mahdi. “What did I say? It is true? Like Isak shouldn’t worry about things like that!”

Isak smirks.

“Yeah, thank you Mags,” he says. 

“Does Jonas know about this?” Mahdi asks. 

Isak shakes his head. 

“Dude, you have to tell him,” Mahdi says. “He is going to be thrilled. He’s been so worried about you recently because you’ve been distant and won’t talk to him. He is going to be so relieved and happy for you.”

Isak nods in silence and stands up to get another beer from the fridge. He promises himself that he will tell Jonas soon. 

-

It feels strange waking up in his own bed by himself the next morning. He feels a bit tired but not hungover, and he can’t wait until he gets to see Even again. They have not made any plans for the day or the rest of the weekend, but he really wants to enjoy the rest of the Easter holiday with Even since they are both free from work and uni. He stays in bed while he calls Even. It’s already 10 am so there is no doubt that Even will be awake. Even answers on the third ring. 

“Hey, baby!” he says cheerfully and Isak instantly feels warm inside. 

“Hey,” he answers. “How are you?” 

“I’m good. How are you? Did you have fun with your friends last night?” 

Isak yawns. 

“Yeah, it was really good actually. It was nice to see them.” he says. 

“Are you tired?” Even asks.

“Just a little,” Isak says with a small smile. “Guess what?”

“I don’t know, baby,” Even says, a hint of curiosity in his voice. 

“I told them about us,” Isak says. 

Even is quiet for a little while.

“That’s great. I’m so proud of you. I knew you could do it!” Even says warmly. 

“Thank you,” Isak says. “They were really happy for me.”

“I’m glad baby! Look, me and Ellie are going to Ikea in a little while. Apparently she needs a new desk and a rug.” Even chuckles. “But I can come pick you up afterwards or something. Or I can come over later tonight? How does that sound?”

“Yeah that sounds really good,” Isak says. “I can’t wait.” 

-

“What is this?” Isak asks happily as he opens the door for Even and is met with a huge bunch of roses. 

“These are for you, baby,” Even says and wraps his free arm around Isak’s waist. 

Isak kisses Even’s lips

“You are too nice to me,” he says, “These are beautiful!”

“Beautiful flowers for my beautiful man,” Even says with a cheeky smile. “I thought we could celebrate.”

Even holds up a bag full of groceries and Isak is pretty sure he can spot a bottle of sparkling wine as well. 

“I love that,” Isak says. “But what exactly are we celebrating?” 

“Us,” Even whispers. “We are celebrating us.”

It’s funny how Isak’s apartment has become a sanctuary for the two of them. How it is just the two of them away from everyone else and they can be themselves without having to think about others. Between the empty and cold walls, the broken radiator and cheap furniture they have found their refuge. It used to be the place Isak hated the most and the place he avoided at any cost by spending his hours at work or at the library. Before Even, this place was where he was alone with his thoughts. Now, the place is filled with happiness and soft cuddles. 

Even teaches him how to make soufflé at 11 pm which they then eat in front of TV while drinking wine. Isak leans against Even and Even puts his arm around Isak’s shoulder. They are watching another one of Even’s favourite movies. Apparently the list is very long and non exhaustive which means that Isak will probably never catch up. It’s okay though. As long as he gets to be this close to Even he can put up with all his pretentious movies. 

“I love you,” Even mumbles and kisses him softly. 

“I love you, too,” Isak whispers, heart swelling in his chest until it feels like it is going to burst from happiness.

-

They spend the rest of the Easter holiday just chilling. They go on long walks together in the sun and explore different areas of Oslo they don’t usually visit. They take Even’s car to a hiking trail half an hour outside of Oslo and bring some food for a picnic. 

“This is nice,” Isak comments as they sit at a picnic table, enjoying the sun and the food Even has made them . 

He is usually not one to go on hikes, but he appreciates the calmness and privacy they have here. 

“Yeah, the boys and I went here a few times when we were younger. We used to bring something to barbeque and they would take turns playing with Ellie. I’ve not been here in a while though.” Even says. “I’m glad I’m here with you!”

“Me too!” Isak says. “Things are so quiet here.”

Even smiles fondly.

“You are such a city boy,” he says. “We should go hiking for real sometime. In the middle of nowhere.”

“I’m not sure I’d like that though,” Isak says. “What if something happens?” 

“What would happen though?” Even asks. 

Isak shakes his head.

“I don’t know. What if you fall and break your leg? Or you get lost? Or a bear eats you?” 

Even laughs loudly, tilting his head backwards. 

“I promise you I’ll protect you if there is a bear. And if you break your leg I’ll carry you out of the woods and bring you to safety.” 

Isak rolls his eyes. 

“You wouldn’t be able to carry me,” he says doubtfully. “I’m too heavy for you.” 

Even gives him an offended look.

“You don’t think I would be able to carry you?” he asks.  

Isak leans forward and gives Even’s cheek a kiss. 

“No!” he whispers in the other man’s ear. 

“I’ll show you,” Even says enthusiastically and puts down the bottle of coke he is drinking. 

He stands up and is about to put his arms around Isak’s waist to lift him up when his phone starts ringing in his pocket. Isak sighs in relief at not having to be picked up and watches Even pull his phone out of his pocket. He lifts the sunglasses from his eyes and squints at the phone.

“Hi, Ellie!” he says when he answers. “No I’ve not seen your hoodie...not I’ve not washed it...did you have it when we were at grandma’s?...have you called them and asked?...but how am I supposed to know?”

Isak pretends not to listen to the conversation, but it is hard when it is literally the only thing to focus on. 

“...I don’t know. In a few hours probably. I’ll pick up groceries on the way home… no, I don’t know. Okay. I’ll see you.”

Even hangs up with a small sigh.

“She’s so fucking messy,” he mutters more to himself than anyone else. “Where were we?” 

He looks up at Isak with a mischievous look on his face and Isak barely has time to react before Even lunges for him and roughly throws his arms around Isak’s torso and ungracefully lifts him up. 

-

As good as it is between him and Even, and as happy as he is that he has finally told his friends, Isak can’t shake the heaviness off of his shoulders. 

Even though everything is amazing with Even and Isak is more in love than ever before, it’s impossible to deny that Ellie still hates him. Every time Even invites him over it feels like he is invading their privacy. Like he is overstepping. It is clear that he is not welcome in her eyes and he has no idea what to do to make things work, but it doesn't exactly get better when he once again screws up. 

Even is taking a shower after his morning run and even if he had tried to drag Isak with him Isak had refused. Instead he had stayed in to revise his notes from the last couple of weeks. Ellie is still in her room and hasn’t appeared at all during the morning. 

He is just about to close his laptop and clear the table so that he can prepare breakfast, when he spots Ellie’s sketch book lying on the table and because it is open he can’t resist looking at the drawings in there. He has seen her draw a few times actually, and Even has proudly told him that it is one of her passions. Even himself has doodled Isak some drawings that he has left on Isak’s bed, but his drawings are nothing compared to Ellie’s and Isak is weirdly mesmerized by them. She truly is talented. She has mostly drawn portraits of people Isak has never seen before but the drawings are so detailed that they almost feel alive. 

“What the fuck are you doing? Don’t look at that!”

Isak flinches at the sharp voice and when he looks up, Ellie is standing in front of him with a furious look on her face. He quickly puts the drawing back down and raises his arms in a form of surrender.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. They just lay on the table and the sketch book wasn’t closed so…”

“So you just assumed that you could look through them? These are private, Isak. Private! Is that so hard for you to understand.”

Isak swallows weakly. He feels small under her angry eyes. This is going to hell. All his attempts at bonding or making sure she doesn’t hate him. He just had to fuck that up. 

“I’m really sorry, Ellie” he says unhappily. “I would never want to invade your privacy.”

Ellie rolls her eyes. 

“Whatever,” she snaps and leans over to grab the sketch book from the table. “Don’t go through my stuff again!” 

Isak leans against the table as she is walking out of the room, the door to her own room closing with a bang. He doesn’t move for a long time. Even as he hears Even come back from the bathroom and place his hand on Isak’s back. 

“What’s going on?” Even asks worriedly. 

“Nothing,” Isak lies. 

This is so clearly starting to take a toll on them. All this tension with Ellie is affecting them both and he doesn’t want to see Even’s face looking so torn. 

“Is it Ellie? Did something happen?” Even continues, voice strained.

“Yeah, just. I looked at her drawings,” Isak mutters. 

He feels embarrassed and angry with himself. This is such a stupid thing to do. He should have known that he was overstepping and just ignored them on the table. 

Even chuckles slightly behind his back and brings his hands to Isak’s shoulders. 

“Yeah she is very private about her art and she never wants anyone to look at them,” he comments as his fingers knead Isak’s tense shoulders. “She barely lets me look at them. Don’t beat yourself up. You couldn’t have known.”

“I feel so stupid though,” Isak mutters. “I screw up everything, don’t I?” 

“You haven’t screwed up anything,” Even mumbles into his neck. “Okay? Things are going to be okay:”

-

He tries to make up to Ellie the day after by approaching her in the kitchen. Even has already left for work, but he had told Isak to just leave whenever he wanted. Isak had expected to be alone in the morning because Even had told him that Ellie would be at school since it was Tuesday and she had an early morning class. That’s why he feels surprised when he spots her in the kitchen when he gets out of the bedroom. She is making herself a smoothie and when she notices him approach she sighs. 

“I thought you left with dad in the morning,” she says and puts a banana and some blueberries into the blender. 

“Uh, no I was just leaving. Even left me the key since I’m meeting a friend at uni soon. I thought you were in school?”

Ellie rolls her eyes and Isak clears his throat in an attempt to try to calm his nerves. 

“Look, Ellie, I just wanted to apologise for yesterday. I honestly didn’t mean to go through your drawings. I’m sorry about that.”

She lets out a sigh. 

“Okay,” she says. 

“Do you mean that?” Isak asks surprised. 

“Honestly, I don’t really care about the drawings, Isak,” she says. “I don’t like people invading my privacy but whatever. I just want to know that your deal is. Like what do you even want from my dad?” 

Isak feels taken aback by her unexpected words. 

“What do you mean?” he asks confused. 

“What is your agenda? What do you want from him? Shouldn’t you be seeing someone your own age? I know you are using him. I get that he is nice and generous and good at taking care of people, so is that why? Is it because he takes you out to restaurants and spoils you. Gives you rides to uni and picks you up. Offers you to stay in a nice apartment? Is that why? Is that why you are using him?”

“What?” Isak asks. “NO!” 

“Then why? I don’t understand.”

“I really care about Even,” he stammers. “I care about him and I really like him. I’m not using him. I promise.”

She looks at him suspiciously and she crosses her arms over her chest.

“I don’t know why you dislike me so much,” he says. “I don’t know what I did wrong. I get that this is weird for you. I get it. It feels weird for me too, but I want to make this work for Even’s sake.”

“I don’t need another dad. I don’t want a stepdad who is four years older than me and could be my older brother. I already have a dad and I don’t need anyone else,” Ellie says sharply.

“I know that and I’m not going to try to be that either. I promise you.” 

“But you are here all the time. Whenever I’m trying to have a moment for myself in my own home you are here. And if you are not here dad is with you somewhere. Taking you to restaurants or spending time at your apartment. You are always around and he is so fucking up your ass. He cares about you so much. His heart is amazing and he gives himself to everyone. He’s going to get his heart broken. I know people like you and you are going to break his heart when you get tired of playing around.” 

Isak doesn’t know what to say. Ellie is just rambling at this point and Isak doesn’t have any answers. He wishes Even was here, but he knows that Ellie wouldn’t say all those things if he was. 

“You are too young for him anyway. He wants to have more children, I know he wants that. He wants to buy a house. He wants to settle down. Are you going to be able to give him that? Are you going to be able to support him and take care of him through the rough times or are you going to leave him when things get hard? He needs someone that takes care of him. Someone who won’t run. Someone who is strong and as caring as he is. He deserves someone as good as he is.” 

She doesn’t know but her words still hurt. It stings that she has based this speech on her assumption of him. That she thinks he won’t be strong enough. That he will hurt Even. That he will leave when things get tough. She doesn’t know him but it feels like she does. It feels like she knows his history. 

He has made a promise to Even that he will do his best and even if it is enough for Even he knows it will never be enough for Ellie. That is probably part of the problem, why she hates him. He will never be enough for Even in her eyes. 

-

He is still angry and upset by the time he arrives at uni and he can barely concentrate when he and Sana discuss their notes and take turns asking each other questions. More than once he lets his frustration show through, and it doesn’t take long before Sana calls him out on his behaviour. 

“You are being grumpy,” she comments.

“No, I’m not,” Isak snaps even though he knows he is. 

They are sitting in the library together, preparing for their upcoming exam that is a week away. After that one he only has one more sub-course this term and then a break from uni. He could really use one because even if he will be working almost every day it is a nice break from the stress that uni brings. 

“You are,” Sana says. “And you are barely listening to what I’m saying. If you are not going to tell me what is going on with you I suggest you get yourself together so that we at least can get something out of this session. You are wasting my time!” 

Isak sighs. Is really not in a mood to open up his heart to Sana right now. He’s not in a mood for anything. 

“You can tell me if something is going on,” Sana says a little gentler and smiles slightly. “I know things are not always easy. I’ve had a rough year too...so” 

Isak looks up at her. He remembers earlier in the year when she had been off and distant. He had been in such a funk himself around the time he met Even but since then Even has made his life so much better and happier. It seems like Sana is also in a better place. 

“Yeah, thank you!” he says. “You too I guess.”

When Even texts him and asks if he should pick him up on the way home from uni he declines. He can’t bear another confrontation with Ellie tonight. He can’t bear to be under her disapproving gaze. Even replies almost instantly.

**Oh :( did something happen? :(**

He bites his lip as he tries to come up with something to reply. He should be honest but he also doesn’t want to put Even through this. 

**I’m just a bit stressed!**

**Sorry :(**

**No it’s okay!**

**I’ll see you tomorrow?**

**Yeah of course <3**

**I love you <3 **

**I love you too <3**

**< 3**

**< 3**

**< 3 **

**< 3 <3 <3**

**Dork <3**

Isak can’t help but smile. Despite his anger and frustration over their current situation. Even always manages to put a smile on his face and make his heart beat faster. When he looks up Sana is watching him with a smirk.

“What?” he asks.

“Nothing,” she says.

-

He doesn’t tell Even about his confrontation with Ellie when he comes over two days later.  He doesn’t want to make Even upset and he he figures it won’t make things better between him and Ellie, it will probably only make her angrier with him. 

The following two weeks he decides not to try so hard with Ellie anymore. It doesn’t feel worth it. He realises that nothing he can do will change her view of him. He can’t make her suddenly accept him so he is not going to try to do that. He keeps being civil towards her without making any attempts at conversation. If Even notices any difference he doesn’t say anything. Ellie seems to be willing to do the same. At least she is not hostile towards him anymore. She says hello when he arrives and goodbye when he leaves and in between they just coexist. 

One thing that he has begun to notice though, is that it always seems like she needs something from Even when they are out together. Isak feels stupid about it and he has yet to point it out to Even, but whenever they are doing things they are always interrupted by Ellie calling or texting and demanding Even’s attention. Mostly it is just small things like asking Even when he is getting home or if he can pick things up from the grocery store. Those times Isak doesn’t think much of it, but when it happens more and more frequently he can’t stop thinking about it. 

They are out on a date on a Friday night when Even’s phone suddenly rings. Even lets go of his hand on the top of the table in order to pick up his phone from the inside of his coat. 

“It’s Ellie,” he says. “I should answer,”

“Yeah, of course,” Isak says. 

Even stands up from the table to take the call and mouths towards Isak that he is going to step outside. Isak watches him leave with a slight frown on his face and then continues to eat the rest of his dessert. 

Even comes back a few minutes later with a conflicted look on his face

“She has locked herself outside or lost her key or something,” Even says. “And our neighbour who has the spare key is not opening so..:”

“Oh,” Isak says. 

“I need to go home,” Even says. “Do you want to come? I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, of course,” Isak says. “We were almost done anyway, right? I think I should go home though,” he adds.  

“Yeah, I just. I had hoped to just sit here with you and just talk some more but I guess I should ask for the bill,” Even says with an apologetic smile across his face.

It takes a few minutes for them to actually get the bill, but once they have paid and gotten dressed they leave the restaurant and step out into the cold evening. Despite it being warm during the days it is absolutely freezing outside, and Isak wishes he had gone for a warmer coat or at least a scarf. He will probably have to wait for his bus.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?” Even frowns when he spots Isak shivering. 

Isak shakes his head. 

“No it’s fine,” he says. 

“Okay,” Even says. “Do you want me to call you once I get home?”

“Yeah, you can do that,” Isak says. 

Even’s phone rings again but this time Even doesn’t answer. 

“I’ll call you, okay?” he says and gives Isak a quick kiss. “I love you!”  

He gets home almost an hour later due to the bus being late. Even has not called him yet, but he feels too tired to make the call himself. He brushes his teeth and takes a quick shower to get his body temperature back up before he crawls into bed. He lies awake for a little while, trying to process the night. Part of him feels ridiculous and petty about Ellie’s call and he feels angry with himself for being so bothered by it. Another part of him feels insecure about it. Even always picks up the phone when she calls, no matter what they are doing, and whenever she needs him to come home Even will leave Isak hanging. 

It feels like they are playing a silent tug of war. Even if Ellie is not so openly hostile towards him she is still doing everything in her power to hold on to Even. He hates that this makes him insecure and he knows that this makes him look like a possessive bastard, but he can’t help but feel helpless. It is a competition he will never be able to win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it :) thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a comment. I would really appreciate it <3
> 
> So thoughts? Things aren't exactly smooth sailing between Isak and Ellie which leaves Isak struggling more than he lets Even know. Ellie is very harsh with Isak and maybe a bit unfair. He is just trying and ends up making mistakes. In the end he realises that he's not going to try anymore because there is no use. 
> 
> Isak is also starting to feel insecure about the whole thing especially when it feels like she is trying to interrupt their dates. Is she though? Or is it in Isak's head and his insecutrities that is getting the better of him? And what is Even's view? How does this make him feel? This will be developed further in the next chapter where things will heat up further.
> 
> What did you think about Isak finally telling Magnus and Mahdi? About time right? And is Sana on to something?


	14. It is always going to be her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's been so long :( Both me and Steffi who helps me with the chapters have had finals. My exams are over now but she has a few more. Yet she has taken the time to beta this chapter which I'm so grateful for <3 <3 thank you so much. You could almost be called a co writer because you help me sort out the plot when I'm in doubt :)
> 
> Thank you so much for your response to the last chapter. It was amazing and I loved hearing your opinions on the chapter. Also a huge thank you to all of you who have left kudos and to those of you who continue to read every chapter <3 It means the world to me! 
> 
> This chapter is pretty angsty, that's all I have to say :) Even is struggling a lot and tries his best!

Even rubs his eyes tiredly. He feels exhausted. Like he has the whole world on his shoulders. He has no idea how things could go from being so good to this. It feels like everything is about to cave in and he has no idea how to stop it.

Ellie is acting out even more than usual and Isak is obviously struggling to cope with her hostility towards him. Even tries to be their midler, tries to keep everything together. He tries to make sure he is there for both of them, but it feels like they are both pulling him in different directions.

He is not good at this. So far he has just put his head in the sand in the hopes that things will be okay. It is not okay. Everything just gets worse and worse with every day.

In addition, he is having a crappy week at work and he is under a ton of pressure to make the deal work. The company they work with are a nightmare and it all falls on Even to fix things. He knows his co-workers are tired too, but he honestly feels the pressure building every day. His boss is counting on him and he can’t let her down.

The last thing he needs is another argument with Ellie, another frosty interaction between the two people he cares about the most, or another disappointed look from Isak when they are pulled from their bliss by another one of Ellie’s phone calls.

It has happened several times and a few times he has been forced to end their date because Ellie needs him. Even wants to tell him he is being unfair and unreasonable. That he can’t expect Even to ignore Ellie’s calls when she needs him.  

It’s not easy and he tries his best to split his time between them and make them both happy. He tries to be enough at work and not let everyone down. He tries to meet Ellie’s needs even if it means interrupting his time with Isak, and he tries to be the best boyfriend he can for Isak and make sure Isak knows just how much he means to him.

He tries and tries and tries but it all falls apart anyway.

-

He wakes up to an empty bed on Saturday morning. It’s not usual for Iak to wake up first and it is only a little after 8 am, so it doesn’t make sense that Isak is not sleeping right next to him. The kitchen is empty and the door to Ellie’s room is still closed. Isak’s adidas jacket is still hanging in the hallway but his shoes are missing. As Even walks closer to the front door he can hear Isak’s voice coming from the hallway outside. Isak seems to be on the phone, but Even has no idea why Isak would step outside to talk to whoever he is talking to. He decides not to eavesdrop and moves back to the kitchen to make some coffee for himself. It takes another ten minutes before Isak opens the door. He doesn’t look at Even as he kicks off his shoes.

“Who was it?” Even asks when Isak finally looks up.  

Isak shakes his head and walks up to the kitchen and leans towards the counter next to Even. He puts his phone into his pocket.

“My dad,” he mutters.

“Oh,” Even says.

They haven’t talked about Isak’s parents in a while and Isak has not mentioned either of them. Even scans Isak’s face carefully. He doesn’t show any sort of emotion which makes the alarm bells in Even’s head ring. Isak shutting down is never good.

“What did he want?” he asks carefully and puts his hand on Isak’s back.

“He just wanted to tell me I need to see mom. That I need to visit more often. I guess he is tired of her calling him all the time, and if I visit enough he won’t have to bother with her, I guess. He told me it was my duty as a son, and that I should take care of her, and reminded me that he is still looking after her even though he has a new family. Like he makes sure all her bills are payed and that she can buy food.”

Isak doesn’t meet Even’s eyes.

“You know you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, right?” Even says. “It’s not his place to decide.”

“I know. It just gets to me and I hate that he has this power over me. He doesn’t care about me, but he still has all these demands on what I should do.”

“I’m sorry, Isak,” Even comments. “You deserve better than him,”

Isak nods and leans his head on Even’s shoulder and buries his nose into Even’s neck.

“I should see her though,” he mumbles. “She’s my mother. I should visit her and make sure she is alright.”

Even kisses the top of Isak’s head.

“If that’s what you want, you should go. But you don’t have to just because he says so.”

“Would you go with me if I did?” Isak asks carefully and looks up at Eve.

“Yeah of course,” Even promises. “If you want that I’ll come with you.”

“He said he wants to put her in a group home,” Isak continues, face still pressing into Even’s skin.

“Why? Is she not coping at home?” Even asks as he cards through Isak’s soft hair.

Isak shrugs.

“I don’t know, she was doing alright at Christmas. Not perfect but she has help with groceries and cleaning and stuff. He said she would benefit from having staff around her all the time and that the house is too big for her. But she loves that house. It’s the house where we grew up. She’s lived there for over 15 years. It’s her home. I’m just scared that the new environment would just make her more stressed. I don’t want her to feel like she is locked up somewhere.”

“Did you tell him that?” Even asks.

“Yeah but he doesn’t care what I think. He just thinks I’m irresponsible anyway, and if I don’t go see her I shouldn’t get a say.”

“But he can’t force her to go, right? I mean she is not a danger to anyone and as long as she can manage alright he doesn't have any power,” Even says softly.

“I guess,” Isak mutters. “I just wish he didn’t affect me this much.”

“Me too,” Even says. “But screw him.”

Isak looks up and tilts his head backwards and pecks Even on the lips.

They end up having a lazy morning on the couch, they drink coffee and eat toast in front of the morning show. Even can tell that Isak is deep into his own thoughts, but he can also tell that Isak doesn’t want to talk anymore. Instead, he rubs Isak’s knee in soft comforting motions.

“We could do something fun today, if you want to,” he says. “We can take the car and drive somewhere just the two of us. Or we can ask Mutta and Adam if they want to hang out.”

Before Isak has a chance to answer the door the Ellie’s room opens and she walks into the room. She doesn’t say anything to them, just disappears into the bathroom. Isak tenses up visibly and sits up straighter on the couch. Even hates how tense Isak becomes whenever Ellie is close by. Ellie is not making things easy, and it seems Isak has given up on trying to make conversation with her altogether.

“What do you want to do?” he repeats and ignores Isak’s silence.

“I don’t know,” Isak mutters.

-

It only really gets worse from there. Even is trying but it is not enough. He tries to make time for both of them, but Isak has stopped coming over which means that the time they actually have for each other has been limited. They are both busy. Even with the heavy workload at work and Isak with his studies since it’s the end of the term soon. Deep down he understands why but he still feels annoyed with Isak for not trying harder. Deep down he knows he is being unfair, but this isn’t easy for him either. He is the one torn in half. He is the one that is drowning under their expectations.  

Even stays over at Isak’s whenever he can. He picks Isak up from uni sometimes so they can have a coffee together. Or they go out to a restaurant or something. He tries to spoil Isak whenever he can. To show him his love. He tries to focus on the good times. The small moments when neither of them has to think about anything else. The moments where it feels like time has frozen. Like they are the only ones in this universe. In the beginning those moments were all their relationship consisted of. Now they are far between. Now there is always something interrupting.

Ellie has been moody lately. Worse than ever before even if Isak has stopped coming over altogether. If she is at home she stays in her room most of the time but still manages to leave the apartment in a mess whenever Even is not at home.

In addition, he finds out that she is failing two of her classes. It is not like her at all. She has never been the most ambitious student, but she has always managed to get decent grades and has always passed her tests or handed in her assignments on time.

They have dinner with Even’s parents and even they seem to notice the changes in Ellie’s behaviour. She doesn’t joke around with Even’s dad like she normally does and when he asks her questions she just shrugs. Even can tell that they are both confused. He tries to keep his spirit up and pretend that everything is okay.

“Is something going on?” Even’s mother says.

She has never been afraid of speaking up and after an hour of awkwardness she clearly has had enough.

“You are both acting so weird,” she continues and looks from Even to Ellie.

Ellie looks up from her plate She has barely eaten anything.

“Ask dad,” she mutters.

His parents’ eyes turn to him.

“What is going on? Did you two have an argument or something?”

Even swallows.

“No, things have been a bit stressful recently. That is all,” he mumbles.

Ellie rolls her eyes.

“That is one way to put it,” she says snarkily.

“Okay what is going on?” Even’s mother asks and puts down her knife and fork.

Even looks down at his lap. He feels so incredibly tired.

“Dad has started dating a 20-year-old boy,” Ellie says.

All eyes are once again turned towards him and the look Ellie is giving him burns through his skin. His voice is stuck in his throat and he can’t really say anything.

“He met this boy at a restaurant and just started talking to him. Then they started dating and  ever since then he’s been taking him to restaurants and stuff. He kept it a secret for months before I found out. He would just pretend he was out with his friends when he was seeing Isak instead. And now he’s at Isak’s all the time or Isak is over at our place. It’s been a few months and it’s like Isak has moved into our house.” Ellie continues in a vicious tone.

Both his parents look at him in disbelief.  

“This isn’t like you at all, Even,” his mother says.

“What? Being happy?” Even says and stands up from the table and the chair behind him falls to the floor with a loud bang.

He leaves the three of them sitting in the kitchen and walks into the living room where he sinks down on the couch. He buries his head into his arms and lets out a shaky breath, angry  tears press behind his eyelids. He can hear footsteps and by the sound of them he knows it is his mom who has come into the living room. He doesn’t look up as she takes a seat in the armchair next to him.

“Sweetie,” she starts. “You know I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry it came out that way. I was just shocked. You are usually so open to us and you tell Ellie everything. Therefore dad and I were a bit surprised when she told us. And it’s been a long time since you dated anyone so we just didn’t expect it. Especially when you never told us.”

“I’m not manic if that’s what you think,” Even mutters.

“Oh, Even sweetie,” his mom says gently. “That didn’t even cross my mind, love. It was just that you didn’t tell us and that everything seems so sudden. But if you are happy that is amazing. If this Isak makes you feel happy then I can’t say anything to that. You are an amazing man and you deserve happiness.”

“Thanks mom,” Even whispers. “Isak makes me happy. He is the sweetest person. I think you would really like him.”

“No need to thank me sweetie. And I’m sure I would. You should bring him over some day.”

He nods quietly.

“It’s just that Ellie is not so happy about it,” he continues. “And I’m not sure how long I can keep it up. It’s tearing me apart.”  

His mother doesn’t say anything but moves to sit on the couch next to him. She puts her arms around him and he sinks down on her lap.

-

“You had no right,” Even says once they are on their way home. “You had no right to tell them. I can’t believe you did that.”

They didn’t stay long after his and his mother’s talk. The dinner had been ruined anyway, and Ellie was in an even worse mood. His mother had promised that everything would be okay but it feels like a weak promise. It’s still early and the sun is still out.

“Well at least someone had to be honest about it unlike you,” Ellie says “You just keep your head in the sand and hope for the best. They deserve to know. Even they have noticed your absence. I just told them the truth.”

“Well it wasn't yours to tell. Did you ever stop to think that maybe I wanted to wait until the right moment? That I wanted to be ready. Not just for me but Isak too? I was going to tell them in a good way and you took that away from me.”

“But why are you being so fucking secretive all the time? Why can’t you just be honest? There has to be a reason, right?”

“There is no reason. We just wanted to wait a bit until we were ready,” Even tries. “That’s all!”

“I don’t understand why Isak is so fucking important in your life all of a sudden. You have known him for like ten seconds and you act like you are going to marry him and like he is going to move in with us. You have your whole future planned out with a guy who has barely graduated from high school.”

Even can feel the anger and sadness build in him. He is angry and tired of hearing her talk shit about Isak and he is sad because it feels like he can’t do anything right.

“I just don’t understand why you don’t want me to be happy,” he lets out in a frustrated tone.

“Since when is your happiness tied to some romantic fling you have?” Ellie spits.

They continue their walk home in silence. The tension between them is rough and palpable and Ellie refuses to meet his eyes. The elevator ride to their floor is laced with unspoken anger and as soon as they are back in the safety of their apartment Even can’t keep it in any longer.

“Just talk to me. Tell me what is going on!” he demands.

“There is nothing to talk about!” Ellie says and turns around to leave the room.

“There is. You have completely changed personality in these last weeks. You are messy, you don’t clean up after yourself, you are being moody and snappy. You stay in your room all the time and now I’ve learned that you are failing both Norwegian and History. What is going on Ellie?”

Ellie rolls her eyes.

“And drop that fucking attitude of yours. I’m trying to have a conversation with you,” Even says and forces himself to calm down. “Can we please sit down?”

“Fine!” Ellie says.

“Just tell me what is going on,” he says. “Is this about Isak? I know things have not been easy lately and I know I should have told you straight away. And maybe I should have handled things differently but…”

“Why do you even care?” Ellie says.

Even’s head snaps up.

“What do you mean?” he says confused.

“Why do you care now? It’s been months since you cared about me, but now that I fail two classes and don’t put my laundry in the laundry bin or do the dishes every fucking day you care.”

“Of course I care about you, Ellie. I always care about you.”

“You don’t!” she says angrily. “You only care about Isak!”

“You know that is not true,” Even begs. “I love you so much.”

“How do I know? Ever since you met Isak you only care about him. You are away all the time and whenever you are home you are with Isak. You are never even around so why do you care what I do? You spend all your time with him and it’s like he is the only one that matters in your life.”

“Where is this coming from? Is this why you have been acting out? Because I’m going out with Isak?”

“Not everything is about you,” Ellie says. “And if you had been home more maybe you would have noticed.”

“Then tell me what is going on!” Even says loudly. “I’m sorry that I’ve been caught up with Isak. I’m sorry I’ve not been home more. Just tell me what is going on with you!”

“I feel lonely, okay?” she screams. “I feel fucking lonely and abandoned and like no one gives a fuck. Ever since that stupid winter break at the cabin things have just gone to hell.  You are so busy with Isak that you don’t even notice me. You don’t notice that I’m home more and you don’t notice that I hardly ever spend time with Ida anymore! You don’t care about me anymore.”

Her voice is like a bucket of icy water over his head. It sobers him up and makes him ice cold inside. She is right. He hasn’t noticed. Not until now. She has been home more ever since she got home from winter break, but Even has not really noticed. He has been spending almost all his time with Isak, being caught up in his own love life, and he hasn’t even noticed her struggles. He feels like the worst person in the world. Like the worst dad in the world.

“Ida only cares about her boyfriend now. She doesn’t have time for me. You just spend all your time with Isak and you never ever consider my feelings. You never even told me about him and I had to walk in on you having sex with him on our couch. You kept it a secret despite us telling each other everything. This isn’t about his age or anything. It is about you not caring about me enough to consider my feelings. You just expected me to be okay with all of this, but you never even gave me a chance to get used to it. At first it was all the lying and you obviously keeping things from me and being all absent. Then you just expect me to be okay with having a stepdad that is four years older than me. You didn’t even stop to think how that would feel for me. Instead you just kept pushing Isak into my face. You never gave me time to adjust and you just expected me to be okay with Isak being here all the time or you being gone the rest of it. And you never stopped once to think that maybe I had things going on in my life too! You never ask about me anymore. Not like you used to. You didn’t even notice that I stopped hanging out with my best friend of eleven years, you didn’t notice that I’ve been struggling with school the whole year. You didn’t notice that I hardly have friends anymore because you are never there for me. I needed you and you weren’t there. All you cared about was Isak. You only care now because me acting out is affecting you and your boyfriend. If it wasn’t for that you still wouldn’t have noticed.”

She is crying and Even feels like crying too. How could he be so oblivious? How could he not notice?

“I’m sorry, Ellie,” he says and his voice quivers “I’m so, so sorry.”

He wants to reach out to her and touch her, but he doesn’t dare to. If she pulls away from him now he won’t be able to take it. He’s fucked up. He’s fucked up so much.

“Everything around me is falling apart,” Ellie cries. “Everything. I try but I just fuck everything up. I try to keep going but I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like this.”

“I’m so sorry,” Even says. “I’m so sorry!”

“I just want you to care about me,” she says.

Even can’t hold the tears at bay anymore.

“I love you so much. And I care about you more than anything else in the world,” he sobs. “Your happiness is the only thing that matters to me. That is never going to change. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m so lucky to have you as my daughter.“

He finally moves to the other side of the table and wraps his arms around her shaking body. She is stiff at first as if his arms are the last things she wants to feel but then she sinks into his embrace and lets him hug her.

“You are going to leave me,” she whispers. “You are going to leave just like mom did. I see how much Isak means to you. I see how much you love him and I know that you will follow him wherever he wants to go. And you won’t care about me anymore. I know it.”   

“That’s not true,” Even says. “I would never abandon you! I’m so sorry if I made you feel like I don’t care anymore. I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. Nothing will change that. I love Isak too. I really do. He makes me happy, but there is nothing in the world that is more important than you. I never meant for you to feel like that.”

“It just feels like you don’t need me anymore,” Ellie says. “You have Isak and I can see how happy you are with him. More happy than you’ve been in a long time. I feel like I’m going to lose you. Mom left so who’s to say you won’t do the same?”

“I’ll never leave you,” Even says. “I promise!”

She falls asleep on the couch next to him, exhausted from all the crying. Even decides to let her sleep and goes to find her duvet from her bedroom, which he puts around her snuggly. He doesn’t have the energy to brush his teeth so he just crawls into his own bed five minutes later. He feels drained and his head is pounding, but he just can’t fall asleep.

His talk with Ellie might have cleared the air and explained a lot of things, but he still feels like the worst father in the world. He feels selfish for being so caught up in his own life that he hadn’t even noticed Ellie’s struggles. He feels guilty for not realising when he used to be so good at knowing when something was wrong with her. He has failed her once again and it breaks his heart knowing that he has screwed everything up yet again.

He needs to make it up to her. From now on he is going to be a better father. From now on he is going to be the father she deserves.

-

 

**Good morning <3 **  
**Do you want to do**  
**something today?**

 

 **I’m not even that**  
**hungover ;) you should**  
**have seen Alfred though.**

**I miss you <3**

**Could you maybe call me?**

Even has four unread texts from Isak by the time he and Ellie come back home from breakfast. Things had been better between them that morning. Not perfect but better than in a long time. She had let him take her out for breakfast at a cafe close by.

She looks a bit happier now that they are back home, and she is sitting by the kitchen table with her knees drawn to her chest drawing. She still looks frail though and Even doesn’t want to mess up again. He knows that just because they have talked doesn’t mean that everything is suddenly alright again.

With a sigh he opens the texts from Isak and rereads them again. They are sent with two hours between, the last one just half an hour ago. He looks over at Ellie while he contemplates what to do.

**Sorry I forgot my phone**

 

**I have plans with Ellie today  
But another day?**

**I’ll call you later tonight**

 

**Okay**

That okay burns through the screen and with a sigh he puts his phone away. He can tell Isak is disappointed and had probably counted on them doing something during the weekend since they have not seen each other much during the week. He should probably give Isak a call, but right now he has to spend some time with Ellie, it is the right thing to do. He will call Isak later and explain.

He sits down next to her with some of his own work. It feels like he has missed this. Them just coexisting next to each other without having to talk. He works for an hour and a half and for the whole time Ellie is sitting next to him drawing.

“I thought we could order some food if you are hungry?” he says. “What do you feel like having?”

Ellie looks up from her drawing.

“Yeah sure,” she says. “That’d be good. You can pick something.”

She is about to return her attention to the drawing when he takes a deep breath to control his nerves.

“I was hoping we could talk some more,” he says. “About yesterday and everything that has been going on.”

He knows that the air might be clearer but he also knows that there are more things they need to talk about. That things will not magically be alright. This is something they should have talked about ages ago and he hopes it is not too late now.

Ellie sighs and puts her pencil down on the table and closes her sketching book.

“I don’t feel like talking about it anymore, dad,” she sighs.

“I know that,” Even starts and runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t want to talk either but I think we should do it anyway.”

“Okay,” she mumbles.

Even orders some Greek food and as they wait for it to arrive they sit down at the couch. Ellie sits down with her legs drawn to her chest and hugs her knees with her arms. The sleeves of her hoodie over her hands and she rests her chin on her knees.

“I’m not sure what else you want me to say,” she begins. “I get that you want things to just be fine now. I get that you want me to be okay with Isak and everything, but I’m not sure I can. It’s still too weird for me. I still feel hurt that you never told me about this and left me in the dark. I still feel hurt that you are barely home anymore and that you spend all your time with Isak when you have only known him for a few months. It’s almost as if you have asked him to move in already. I can’t be happy about that, I’m sorry. I don’t feel like me and Isak have anything in common and everything is just awkward. I don’t want him to be my extra dad. He’s barely older than I am. I know I said his age wasn’t the biggest issue but it still bothers me. I just feel like he is too young and I’m just not sure he is in it for the long run. I’m not sure he will be there when things get tough and then he will leave and those who really love you will be left to pick up the pieces.”

Even closes his eyes momentarily as he tries to come up with something to say. Her words are hardly surprising but he had wished for a better outcome.

“I know that this isn’t what you wanted to hear but that is what I feel. I just can’t be happy about it right now because there are so many things attached to it that make me feel upset.”

Even nods and bites the inside of his cheek

“But I’m sorry that I told grandma. I shouldn’t have,” she adds and gives him a sad smile. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Even says slowly. “It wasn’t okay for you to tell them but I know that you were angry. And I understand how you are feeling and I’m sorry that I’ve not been attentive to your needs. I really want to be there for you and make sure you feel better. Whatever is going on with school and Ida and your friends I want to be there for you. Whatever is going on we can get through this. We’ll go through this together. Is that okay? Nothing is more important than your health.”

“Yeah, okay,” Ellie says and leans forward and wraps her arms around his neck Even brings his own arms around her back.

The following days he tries his best to be there for Ellie and spend time with her. He makes sure to book a meeting with one of her teachers so that they can figure out a plan for Ellie to pass her classes. It does mean that he has to tell Isak that he can’t see him on Wednesday night like they had planned. He makes sure he is home during the weeknights, so that he can help her with her homework or just keep her company so she doesn’t have to be so lonely. Maybe he is a bit more absent and takes a little longer to return Isak’s calls and reply to his texts. But juggling between work, Ellie and Isak is difficult and the when he offers to see Isak when Ellie is at the gym Isak is at work.

 

**I can probably ask to leave**  
**A bit earlier if there are not**  
**too many people left :)**

 

 

**I have another meeting with Ellie’s**  
**teacher in the morning so it’s**  
**probably better if I stayed home**  
**So we can take the car together.**

 

 

**Whatever**

 

**Don’t be like that**

 

**?**

 

 

**You are the one**  
**who doesn’t have**  
**time**

 

  
**I’m really sorry, baby.**  
**I’ll make it up to you I swear.**  
**I’ll come over to yours and cook**  
**For you or we can order some**  
**food. Whatever you want**  
**I’ll let you pick the movie.**  
**Or we can do something fun.**  
**We can go to the cinemas**  
**or to go bowling?**  
**Please just let me know**  
**what you want to do?**  
**I feel really bad :(**  
  

**Fine!**

 

 

 **I’m meeting Nils and**  
**Alfred at the library but**  
**You could pick me up there**  
**In the afternoon.**

 

 **Okay. sounds great.**  
**I love you <3**  
 

**** **I love you too <3**

-

“This is not going to work is it?” Isak says weakly and his mouth twists into a sad, half hearted smile.

“What do you mean?” Even says.

“This...us,” Isak continues.

They are in the car Even was supposed to pick Isak up almost two hours ago at the library. Isak had texted him in the morning and asked him to pick him up at two, but then Even had got stuck trying to proofread Ellie’s paper with her and it had taken him longer than expected. When he realised how long it had been and had checked his phone in the living room he  already had seven missed calls and ten messages from Isak.

“Are you giving up?” Even asks in disbelief. “It’s going to get better, okay? We just need to give it some time. Everything is just a bit messy at the moment and...”

“It’s not going to get better, Even.” Isak says. “She hates me, okay. She hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you,” Even says defensively. “She just doesn’t know you yet.”

Isak buries his head in his hands.  

“I can’t do this anymore,” he mumbles sadly. “It’s tiring, don’t you understand that? I’ll never be good enough for you in her eyes. I’m tired of feeling like a fucking intruder. I’m tired of feeling like I’m doing something wrong. For once in my life I want to feel like I belong somewhere, but I don’t. I want to be able to enjoy spending time with you without feeling like I’m stealing you. I want to enjoy spending time with you without Ellie constantly interrupting and you running to her. I want to feel like I matter to you.”

“You don’t think you matter to me?” Even says. “I freaking love you Isak. What else do you need me to do? I’m trying my best here okay. I take you out on dates. I sleep over whenever I can. You are the one that decided to not come over anymore. I’m trying to make this work for all of us, but I can’t exactly split myself in half, right?  I know things aren’t perfect right now but Ellie needs me and…”

Isak looks at him.

“And?” he asks.

“I just don’t know what more you want from me, Isak.”

 “I don’t know,” Isak says.

“Stop saying I don’t know all the time. This is clearly bothering you. But I’m not a mind reader so unless you speak up I don’t know what you want from me.”

“What do you want me to say?” Isak asks.

“Anything instead of just being passive aggressive,” Even says. “Talk to me.”

“I’m tired, okay! I’m tired of having to walk around eggshells with Ellie. I’m tired of trying to make things work when she clearly couldn’t care less. I’m tired of you not giving a fuck about this. I’m tired of you pretending everything is fine when it is not.” Isak says, breaths coming out in harsh, rapid exhales. “Can’t you see that this is pulling us apart? Every fucking time there is something she needs, you drop everything to go to her and she is using it. You left in the middle of our date, Even!”

“And I offered you to come with me, didn’t I? She had locked herself out. What was I supposed to do? Leave her waiting another hour? I can’t believe you are still mad about that,” Even retorts.

“Well it wouldn’t have been a big deal if that was the only time it happened,” Isak snaps.  “It happens all the time, okay. You just don’t realise. You barely have time for me anymore. You barely answer my texts and you don’t even have time for one little phone call even if you cancel our plans. You even left me to wait for almost two hours right now.”

“She needs me, Isak. She is going through a tough time. I told you that. Her grades are important, so I got stuck trying to help her with her paper so she can pass her course. I’m sorry about that. I know I’ve been busy this week but as I said she really needs the support right now and I’m her dad. I need to be there for her. I screwed up and let her down and I can’t let it happen again. I’m not going to let it happen again so I need to be there for her right now.”

“I get that, I do.” Isak says.

“Then why are you being like this?”

”Like what?” Isak asks.

“Like you expect me to choose or something!” Even exclaims.

“I’m not making you choose.” Isak says frantically.

“Well, it sounds like you are,” Even says harshly.

Isak flinches slightly and his eyes fill with tears.

“No, I’m not.”  

“Good, because it is always going to be her, okay? I’m always going to choose her,” Even says.

Isak looks crushed.

“Yeah, you’ve made that pretty clear,” he says sadly.

“She needs me right now, okay. I’m all she’s got. I can’t make her feel like I’m going to leave her. She is the most important person in my life. Of course I’m going to look after her and I need to do what is best for her. She needs to know that I will always support her no matter what. She’s been through so much in her life and I can’t let her down. What else do you expect from me? She’s my daughter. I have to pick her.”

He is upset so the last words come out too harsh and Iask shrinks back and collapses in his seat.

“I KNOW!” he shouts.

Isak sounds heartbroken and hollow and the tears are streaming down his face.

All Even can remember is Isak lying beside him on the bed, asking to be held coseley, asking to be held like no one has held him before. Isak who feels lonely and scared. Who thinks no one will ever choose him. Isak who is not the most important person in anyone’s life

_“I’m so fucking lost and lonely. I’m not important to anyone. No one ever chooses me. Not even my own parents. It feels like they don’t love me. No one loves me.”_

Isak struggles with his seatbelt and tugs frantically at his collar. Even wants to stop him, but he doesn’t. Instead he watches Isak struggle as his hands shake uncontrollably.

“I’m sorry,” Even whispers. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Isak unfastens his seat belt and leans forward slightly.

“It’s okay,” he gasps. “It’s the truth right? She is your daughter. It’s what all parents do.”

“Isak..”

“Don’t”

Even has never heard someone sound so utterly distraught before and it shatters his heart to hear Isak like this. So broken.

“You are being unfair,” Even tries desperately. “Don’t pretend that I don’t love you. You know that’s not true. This is not easy for me either but Ellie needs me right now. She needs me to be there for her right now and I can’t let her down.”

“I’m not asking you to,” Isak whispers. “I’m just asking for some time with my boyfriend. Is that too much to ask for? Is that unfair of me? Is it unreasonable of me to want that?”

Even grips the steering wheel tightly and his knuckles go white. It feels like his heart is about to shatter into a million tiny pieces.

“I have to be with her right now,” he whispers, begging Isak to understand. “I think maybe that’s all I should focus on for a little while. Making sure she is alright again.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” Isak cries and fresh tears make their way down his cheeks.

“I don’t know, Isak. Maybe we just need a break. Maybe when things aren’t so messy we can-”

“You are breaking up with me!” Isak sobs.

Even closes his eyes and lets the tears fall.

“I love you,” he says. “I love you so much.”

But Isak is not listening anymore. Isak is just wailing into his own hands and struggling to breathe. Even reaches out to put a hand on Isak’s arm, but Isak just flinches away like has been slapped.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Even cries.

He is always sorry. Always hurting people. He’s never enough.

He watches Isak open the car door and stumble outside but he can’t do anything to stop it. He is just stuck until the sound of the door slamming shut causes him to flinch violently. He wants to run after Isak and stop him from leaving. He can’t. He can’t do anything.

He stays in his car for ages until his chest aches and his head hurts again. He stays until the tears are gone and he can breathe properly. Until he feels empty and drained. It turns out that his feeble attempt at love wasn’t enough. Just like nothing he does is ever enough. He’s never enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *contemplating running away forever* No but seriously. Here we are. I feel very nervous and scared about this and I'm scared of people's reactions. Obviously this was always going happen this way. I've had it planned from the beginning but I'm still nervous about it. I've spent so much time to built up their relationship as well as Ellie. Now I'm just waiting for your reactions :) It would mean a lot to me if you let me know what you thought in the comments! No matter how you feel ;) 
> 
> Even obviously realised that he couldn't pretend anymore. That things werent oka. He finally took actions but it was a bit too late. Maybe things would have gone differently othervise? BUt it is also not his fault. He has high expectations of himself hand he always fears letting people down. He wants to be enough for everyone and ends up burning fast. 
> 
> Did you expect Ellie's outburst? Did her confession surprise her or did you know something was going on? She's been struggling for quiete some time and feels abandoned by most people. She is lonely and scared bu Even has not been there for her the way she is used to. She is used to him noticing everytime there is something wrong but now he has been distracted and not noticed. Even leaving is also a huge fear of hears. Sonja left which has left scars and she has some abandonment issues I would say. What about Even's mothers reaction to Isak? At least somethings were good right? 
> 
> Isak is also getting a bit insecure which he doesn't show at first. It has been an ungoing problem which some of you have pointed out. He has felt left out but is of course torn. But the feeling of competing for Even's attention is scary and tiring and in the end he just wants to give up. 
> 
> But this story is far from over and things will get better! They are strong and they will make it through!


	15. Everything just falls apart, and I can’t do anything about it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I tried to update as fast as I could but I've worked a lot this week so I couldn't update sooner. 
> 
> WOW!!!! I'm so blown away by the respons on last chapter. I feel speechless and I can't thank you enough! I actually feel quite overwelmed and honored. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Thank you for the bottom of my heart. I read every comment and they almost made me tear up. It means to world to me and I feel so grateful so thank you <3 <3 You are honestly so wonderful and amazing! I loved hearing all your opinions and reflections which made me so emotional aswell as even more eager to update fast for you. 
> 
> This next chapter is quite long so I hope you like that at least. Again, thank you so much!!!!! I apreciate all of you. And of course thanks to all of you who have left kodus and read <3
> 
> And to Steffi <3 You are the best beta someone could ask for and I'm so happy that you took on this task :) Your devotion amazes me <3 
> 
> I hope you will like this chapter it is quite angsty and sad but I know we all like that :) I also added another tag just to be safe. Basically there is some talk about drug use/use of prescribed medication.

He has no idea how he makes it home in one piece. His heart is broken and shattered. It hurts to breathe as he opens the car door and almost falls outside. It hurts to breathe as he tries to find the tram stop. It hurts to breathe as he tries to collect himself in front of a bunch of curious bystanders. It hurts to breathe as he dries his tears and rubs his teary eyes. Somehow he makes it home without falling apart, but as soon as he closes the door behind him he sinks down to the floor and his chest caves in completely. The tears won’t stop and the sobs are uncontrollable. Everything hurts. Everything is a mess. His face is wet and salty when he’s finally able to stand. There is snot everywhere and his eyelashes are heavy and stuck together.

He doesn’t know how long he sits crumbled on the dirty floor, curled in on himself and hands covering his face, but it feels like it takes ages before the tears stop. It doesn’t feel better. He still feels horrible and even if there are no more tears to cry he is still letting out pathetic hitched breaths.

He makes it to the bathroom where he stands in front of the mirror with hands clutching the sink. He takes a deep but shaky breath as he lifts his head to glance at himself in the mirror. He looks horrible, like a sad excuse for a human being. His eyes are red and blotchy from crying and even his neck is wet. His heart is beating too fast which leaves him feeling sick and dizzy. He wants to sink to the floor and never get up. He’s not sure how he is still standing when it feels like he is going to die.

This is what heartbreak feels like, he thinks. This is how it feels to have your heart ripped out of your chest. Even has shattered his heart into a million sharp pieces that rip his chest painfully. How can he be okay after this? How can he keep moving? The unbearing thought makes fresh tears well up in his eyes and a sob escapes his mouth. He can’t believe this is happening. Even has broken up with him. They are no longer together and Isak has no idea how to cope.

An hour later he crawls into bed. He has taken a shower and scrubbed his skin raw. He curls up under the covers and closes his eyes. He hasn’t eaten since breakfast but he can’t stand the thought of eating anything. He just wants to fall asleep and realise that this was just a nightmare. He wants to fall asleep and wake up tomorrow with Even still next to him.

-

Isak is used to not being able to sleep. From an early age that has always been his reaction to stress, as soon as something bad happens in his life his insomnia leaves him alone with his thoughts.

All Isak wants to do is sleep and never leave this bed ever again. He doesn’t have the energy to leave his apartment, and barely has the energy to do anything but lie on his bed and stare into the wall.

For the first week and a half after the break-up that’s all he does. He barely eats, doesn’t shower, doesn’t study for his exam, doesn’t do the dishes or take the trash out. During the day all he does is sleep or lie awake with an emptiness in his chest. At night all he does is think. At night he cries.

He cancels his plans to study with Sana and even ignores his mandatory seminar. For the first time ever he calls in sick at work. Reine ensures him that it is okay bus Isak still feels bad. He just knows he can’t function right now. Even calls and texts him. There are dozens of worried texts as well as dozens of texts where Even tells Isak how deeply sorry he is.

**Are you at least okay?**

 

**Please answer me, Isak!**

**Baby please tell me**  
**if you are okay?**

**I love you <3 <3 <3**

**I’m so sorry**

He reads every single one of them with tears streaming down his face. He is not okay and these texts only make it hurt worse. They remind him about what he has lost. What he is never going to have again. Even is loving, caring, beautiful and smart. He is funny and friendly and the best person Isak has ever met. There is no way he is going to meet someone like that ever again. There is no way that anyone will love him like that again.

  
**I don’t want you**  
**to call or text me anymore**

 

 

Seconds after he has sent the text, his phone starts ringing again and he tosses it across the room. He can’t deal with this right now. Instead, he sinks back into the pillow and draws the duvet over his head. He ignores everything around him.

He spends 17th of May in his bed while everyone else is outside celebrating and spending time with their families and friends. He feels pathetic as he curls up on his side, trying his best to ignore the sound of cheerful people on the street outside, and when Nils and Alfred text him and ask if he wants to join them he lies and tells them he is going to spend his time with his family. They buy into the lie because they don’t know that Isak doesn’t have a family.

 

 **Happy constitution day**  
**my son <3 I love you. **  
**I hope you are having a**  
**nice day. I’m taking a walk**  
**through The neighbourhood**  
**and I just passed the playground**  
**you always played at. We used**  
**to spend hours there and sometimes**  
**I’d bring pancakes for you to eat.**  
**I love you and I’m so proud of you!**  
**Hugs from mom.**

He reads the texts from his mom with a small smile. She seems okay at least and there is no sign of paranoia or psychosis. It’s literally just his mom wishing him a nice day. His heart swells momentarily in his chest and he feels warmer inside.

He thinks back to the memories she is referring to. Just him and his mom in the park before everything went bad. He was only four years old and his mother had all the time in the world to take him to the park after work. He remembers her pancakes that were the best pancakes in the world. He misses her and feels guilty for abandoning her on a day like this. His fingers hover over the screen as he contemplates if he should just reply. It would be the first reply in months.

  
 **Hi mom!**  
 **Happy 17th of May**  
 **I hope you are**  
 **having a lovely day.**  
 **I remember that play-**  
 **ground. I used to love it**  
 **when you took me there**  
 **I love you, mom.**  
 **Hugs from Isak**  
 

In the late afternoon, Jonas texts him and asks if he has time for a short Skype conversation. Isak’s heart aches for his best friend. Jonas doesn’t even know yet because Isak never got the chance to tell him about Even and about the best thing that has ever happened in his life. He can’t tell Jonas now. He just can’t. So he does what he has done this past week and half. He ignores Jonas’ text, sinks back into the bed and tries to sleep again.

-

A few days pass without much change because Isak still feels empty and broken. The only difference is that Isak has now moved to the couch. He distracts himself by watching Netflix, but so far he has not had the energy to even open his book to study for his exam. He knows he should because there is still a lot of reading to do and he’s still not sure he’s got the hang of it despite all the reading he has done previously. It’s just, at the moment he couldn't care less about his studies or his grades. None of those things feel important at the moment. His head throbs painfully and his shoulders feel tense. He’s managed to eat some breakfast, but now he feels slightly sick and the thought of eating anything again almost makes him gag. Overall, he feels restless and anxious. Unable to settle down, unable to relax despite being exhausted.

He wakes up from his slumber to the aggressive sound of the doorbell ringing. The shrill sound hurts his head and apparently the person behind the door is very impatient, because they continue to press the doorbell frantically until Isak can no longer ignore it. He feels a bit dizzy as he sits up but he slowly makes his way to the door and opens it. For a second he feels scared that it might be Even who has come to check if he is alive. The best option would be if it was Nils or Alfred but he doubts they would take the initiative of coming here just because Isak’s not been answering their texts for a few days.

He certainly didn’t expect Sana to stand outside with crossed arms. As soon as she spots him standing in front of her in the doorway she eyes him up and down.

“You look terrible,” she comments.

“What do you want, Sana?” Isak mutters “This is not a good time. I’m not really in the mood.”

“Yes I can see that,” she says as she pushes past him ignoring his weak protests.

She freezes in the small hall. The place is a mess and Sana is clearly not impressed with the piles of clothes and dishes from the little he has eaten in the last few days.

“This place is disgusting,” she says. “And you stink. When was the last time you even showered?”

Isak sighs tiredly and sinks down on the couch. He doesn’t have the energy to put up with Sana and her snarkiness. He just wants her to leave.

“Can you please just go?” he begs, voice weak and tired.

“No,” Sana says stubbornly. “I’m here because you have ignored my texts for the past week. You didn’t even show up at the seminar. It’s only a week until the exam and I’m not going to let you fail. I even asked Nils and Alfred if they had talked to you but they hadn’t even heard from you in days. So here I am trying to drag your sorry ass to school so we can study. I’ve even got some notes from the revision lecture that you missed.”

“How did you even know where I live?” Isak asks. “You have never been here before.”

Sana rolls her eyes.

“I have my ways,” she says. “Now you need to take a shower and change clothes because that smell is disgusting.”

Isak doesn’t have the energy to protest so he grabs some fresh clothes and heads for the bathroom. He takes his time in the shower and lets the water soak his body. As he stands in the shower all the things he tries not to think about during the day come back full force and he allows the tears to fall. It doesn’t really hurt any less now than it did a week ago. His heart is still barely working and it feels like he is just stitched together. He wonders what Even is doing in this moment. If he is at home or at work. Isak can barely remember what day it is. He wonders if Even is with Ellie, or maybe with one of his friends. He wonders if Even misses him just as much as he is missing Even.

He feels slightly better once he has showered and changed into a freshly washed pair of jeans and a plain shirt and hoodie. He runs his hands underneath his eyes in front of the mirror. If he is lucky Sana won’t be able to tell he has been crying, which means he can avoid her questions.

He finds her standing in the kitchen busy sorting out his trash. She turns around as she hears him enter.

“Good, now you can take over. There is no way in hell I’m touching that.” she says. “Honestly, what the hell is going on? This place is worse than I could ever imagine.”

With a sigh he collects all the trash and dumps the bags in the hallway. He will take it out as soon as he has gotten rid of Sana.

“Look, Sana,” he starts as he returns to the kitchen. “I don’t really need you to babysit me so could you please leave?”

“I didn’t come all the way here for you to throw me out, so either you tell me what is going on now or we start studying,” Sana says stubbornly.

“Well I don’t want to study with you and I don’t want to talk to you. Mind your own fucking business and stop bothering me. I don’t need your lectures on how I’m going to fail the course and how my apartment is disgusting or how I need to shower. I don’t care! I just want to be left alone! How hard is that to understand?” Isak snaps.

He expects Sana to just leave and tell him to never talk to her again. She should really because he knows she hasn’t done anything wrong and he is just taking out everything on her.

“You know what Isak? I came here because I care about you and was worried about you. I came here because I thought we were friends. I thought that even if we haven’t been as close lately our friendship still meant something to you. So don’t take your anger out on me when I’m trying to help you. Just tell me what is going on.”

“Nothing is going on,” Isak lies.

Sana sighs.

“Don’t lie to me, Isak,” she says. “This is not like you. You usually care about your studies and you always answer people’s texts. I know you. I know what you look like when something is going on. It looks like you haven’t slept properly in days and that you’ve barely eaten anything.”

“Sana…” Isak begs. “Don’t.”

“You can tell me. I’m your friend. I care about you. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk but this isn’t you. I remember you from Nissen and even then you didn’t look this bad.”

Her voice is gentle and nice and it’s the first interaction he has had since he left Even’s car. She is too nice to him and he can’t keep it together any longer. A stupid tear makes its way down his cheek and even though he quickly wipes it away Sana notices.

“Isak?” she says worriedly “What is going on?”

-

He ends up telling her everything from the beginning and by the time he is finished his sobs are uncontrollable again. Sana doesn’t say anything but gives him a hug and lets him rest his head on her shoulder.

“I thought we were meant to be,” he lets out before another sob ripples through his frame. “I-I-I I don’t even know what to do anymore. Everything just hurts so much.”

“It’s okay” Sana says gently. “It will be okay.”

She lets him cry and rubs her hands gently up and down his back. Her touch is soft and comforting but it only makes him cry harder.

“It’s okay,” she repeats.

She takes him out of the apartment despite his protest and they end up at a small cafe. She buys him a coffee and a bagel which he manages to eat half of before he feels queasy. They sit outside in the sun and Isak watches the people who pass him. Sana is focused on her book and Isak is meant to study as well. He just can’t get his head around it. Everytime he tries to read his thoughts shift to something else and he can’t focus on the actual words. Everything is just a mess of letters. So instead he looks at the people passing him. They look happy to be outside. Some of them are just passing by, clearly in a hurry to get somewhere but there are also people who are clearly just enjoying the sunny and beautiful day. Isak watches a young couple with their baby who has just learned to walk. The dad is bent over to hold the baby’s chubby hands in his for support and the mom is pushing the pram. They are both happy, they are both laughing. The dad lifts the baby up in the air and the air is filled with the baby’s squeals. On the other side of the road another couple is walking hand in hand. It is too much and as he refocuses on the book in front of him he can feel the tears burn behind his eyes.

“I want to go home,” he says.

Sana looks up and he expects her to protest but she gives him an understanding smile.

“Okay,” she says. “Do you want me to come with you? We could study some more if you want to?”

He shakes his head.

“I can’t concentrate anyway.”

“Oh, okay,” she says. “Do you want to meet up tomorrow then?”

He shrugs. He honestly just wants to spend another day in bed but he is already way behind on his studies. She looks concerned, he immediately feels guilty again. He has not done anything to deserve her, to be honest. He has been a crappy friend to her this year and now she is spending time trying to make sure he is alright and passes his exam.

“You don’t have to,” he says.

“I’m going to have to study anyway and who is better than my favourite biology partner?” Sana says softly.

They start walking in the direction of the tram stop in silence. Maybe getting out wasn’t such a bad idea after all

“I’ll give you a call tomorrow,” Sana says once they finally reach the tram stop from where she is supposed to take the tram home. “Try to get some sleep tonight!”

“Yeah, thank you, Sana,” he says.

He gets ready to leave by hoisting his backpack higher up on his shoulder and turning around.

“Isak!” Sana says and he turns back and looks at her.

“You are a good person and it is stupid of Even to give up on you.”

Isak gives Sana a teary smile.

“Thank you,” he mouths.

He walks home at a slow pace. Suddenly he dreads coming home to his empty and messy apartment. He fears being alone with his thoughts again.

-

“I need to tell you something,” Sana says.

It’s two days later and Isak has managed to drag himself to uni. The change of scenery is nice but instead of it being a good distraction Isak feels stressed and anxious about the exam that is coming up. He is too far behind and there is no way he is going to be able to study enough. He will have to stay up a few nights if he wants to pass. He’s done it before so it’s not something new but he still feels stressed about it.

“What is it?” Isak says, looking down at the book he is currently reading.

“When you told me about Even and everything I sort of already knew who he was,” Sana says quietly.

Isak’s head snaps up and his heart clenches painfully as Sana mentions Even’s name.

“What do you mean?” he says, voice weak and shaky. “Do you know him?”

Sana shakes his head.

“I don’t really know him,” she says. “He is a friend of one of my brothers. Elias. They went to school together so Even spent a lot of time at our place. After his daughter was born as well. I’ve not seen him in ages though.”

“Oh,” Isak says.

It feels like such a small world.

“So your brother is Elias?” he says weakly. “I’ve met him a couple of times.”

Sana nods.

“Yeah, he is my oldest brother. Then I have Amir who is four years older.”

Isak nods in recognition. He has actually met Amir a few times but he didn’t even know that Sana had an older brother. Even less that that person is Elias.

“I just wanted you to know,” Sana offers. “It’s not like I’m friends with him or anything, but I thought you should at least know that I know who he is.”

“Yeah, okay,” Isak says and looks down again.

“He’s really missing out on something,” she adds and gives him a small smile.

“Thank you, Sana,” he says, “I don’t deserve you. All this time I have been a horrible friend to you. I’ve just been caught up in myself and I know you’ve struggled too this year. I’ve not been there for you and now here you are looking out for me and stuff.”

“Yeah but I’m better now!” she says. “And I have been for a while. Things were just kind of stressful with my family.”

“That’s good,” Isak says. “That everything is better.”

Sana nods slowly.

“It is. I’m going to be an aunt.” she says happily and her face lights up in a warm smile that shows the dimples in her cheeks

“Wow, that’s so awesome.” Isak says. “Oh wait? Elias’ baby, right?”

Sana nods proudly.

“Yes.” she says. “There were some complications and his wife had to spend a lot of time in the hospital and it was so scary and stressful. But she is doing a lot better now and I’m going to be an aunt in less than a month.”

“Wow!” Isak repeats. “I’m so happy for you. You are going to be the most amazing aunt ever. Imagine aunt Sana. He or she is going to love you so much!”

“Oh shut up,” Sana says. “I don’t know anything about babies or kids. I’m not good with them at all.”

“I’m sure you will be fine, Sana,” Isak says.

She smiles again and before he returns his attention to the book she opens her mouth to speak again.

“I really am sorry about Even,” she says. “You can talk to me whenever you want and I’m here for you!”

Isak swallows against the lump in his throat.

“Thanks,” he croaks.

-

The following days Isak focuses all his energy on the exam, forcing all thoughts of Even out of his head. He studies for hours without a break and stays at the uni even after Sana has gone home for the day. He feels grateful to have something to focus on other than his own heartbreak, because he can’t take another day of feeling utterly heartbroken and destroyed. He knows he needs to move on with his life. He knows he needs to just forget about Even altogether so instead of allowing himself to feel he throws himself into his studies.

By the time he gets home it’s the middle of the night and he spends another few hours trying to fall asleep until he wakes up and repeats the same routine the next day. It’s tiring but anything is better than just staring into the wall, and he is not going to allow himself to do that. He’s not going to stop and allow himself to feel anything.

“I think you should go home,” Sana comments as she is packing away her stuff and getting ready to leave.

They have studied together since 9 am and it is now 5 pm but Isak still has two more chapters he wants to go through including his own notes from the lectures.

“You need to sleep,” she continues when Isak doesn’t answer and just continues to write.

“This isn’t healthy, Isak. You are running on no sleep and you are going to crash if you are not careful. There are still a few more days so why don’t you go with me now and tomorrow we can revise the chapters and take turns asking each other questions?”

“I can’t, Sana!” He says harshly. “I’m too behind and I need to read this.”

“Promise you will only read these two chapters and then go home?” Sana says.

“Yeah whatever,” Isak says.

Sana seems to give up because she grabs her backpack and hoists it over her shoulder and leaves without another word.

When Isak finally leaves it’s after midnight and once he gets home he continues until the early morning. Sana frowns when she sees him the next morning but doesn’t comment on the fact that Isak had broken their deal.

The night before the exam Isak is absolutely exhausted and he feels certain that he is going to fail. He and Sana had taken turns questioning each other and there were so many things he didn’t know. There are just so many things they need to learn and there is no time left. He has truly fucked it up. There is just no way he is going to pass and if he does it will be with the slimmest margin ever. Even Nils and Alfred seem more prepared than he is because they are currently having a pizza break, talking loudly about some party they went to during the weekend all while Isak feels on the verge of an anxiety attack.

Sana has left ages ago and now Isak is sitting next to Nils and Alfred at uni, trying to push the last bit of information into his brain. Nils and Alfred had joined him in the afternoon but since then they have only done a little bit of studying. The rest of the time they have spent chatting with each other and Isak has tried to block them out by plugging in his earphones and turning up the volume to max.

“You need to relax, man,” Nils says unhelpfully as he chews on his pizza. “You know more than you realise.”

“I don’t,” Isak says through gritted teeth “And I actually care about my exam and my grades unlike the two of you.”

“Well, there is always the retake,” Alfred says. “But seriously man what are you so stressed about anyway? You always do well.”

“Because I haven’t studied enough,” Isak says. “I barely know anything and the exam is tomorrow and I’m tired and my head hurts, and I can’t concentrate.”

“How can you not have studied enough, we haven’t seen you in ages?” Nils asks dumbly and puts the final crust into the pizza box and closes the lid.

Isak rubs his eyes tiredly.

“I’ve just not studied,” he says.

“Yeah but why? Usually you start studying three weeks before an exam and then you have a private lecture with us.” Nils continues.

“Because I just haven’t, okay?” Isak snaps, “Is that so fucking hard to believe? Am I allowed to have other things to focus on in my life?”

“Uh, sorry,” Nils mutters.

Isak takes a deep breath. It’s not their fault that he is being like this. It’s not their fault that he is stressing because he spent over a week shattered beyond repair, unable to function. It’s not their fault Even dumped him.

“No, I’m sorry.” He says, clearing his throat. “I’ve just been busy that’s all, and now I’ll have to retake the exam because I didn’t study enough.”

He chuckles hollowly.

“My brother always took these pills before exams,” Alfred says. “Like they make you focus better so that you can study longer and stuff. He and his friends used it all the time.”

“Isn’t that illegal though?” Nils asks.

Alfred shrugs.

“I don’t know, probably. It’s medication for ADHD or something. But it’s not like they are going to make you pee on a stick or something so…he used it all the time in the law program and he never got caught.”

“Wow,” Nils says. “That’s pretty serious.”

-

The exam isn’t a complete disaster, but still, Isak cannot be certain that he will pass. He tries his best but with how tired he is it is almost impossible to concentrate on the actual questions. Most of all he just wants to lie down and go to sleep. He answers all the questions and writes as much as he remembers but he is pretty sure he messes up and mixes up a few times and when he calculates his points in his head it’s going to be close.

Afterwards he just wants to go back to his apartment and sleep for two days straight, but Nils and Alfred are super stoked about the end of term and want to party.

“C’mon, it’s the end of the term. Everyone will be out.” Nils says enthusiastically. “You never join us anymore.”

“I literally joined you a few weeks ago,” Isak protests

“Yeah but before that you never went out with us. All you do is work. You need to celebrate,” Alfred says.

Isak sighs. He really isn’t in the mood for a party but he also isn’t very keen on spending the whole night in his apartment all alone. Now that the stress of the exam is finally ebbing away he can feel his other thoughts come back full force. He doesn’t want to feel those feelings again.

“Okay,” he says finally. “I’ll go with you.”

Isak quickly becomes too drunk. They are having a pre party in Ella’s tiny student flat and he is currently cramped up in the middle of the couch between Nils and a guy named Alexander he has barely talked to. Alexander looks as if he wishes to be anywhere but here and Isak wonders if he was forced to come here. At least 20 people from the class are here and Isak even spots Sana in the kitchen talking to one of the girls as he gets himself another beer from the overfilled fridge.

“How are you?” Sana asks carefully.

“I’m great,” Isak says with a giggle.

Everything feels good at the moment. Everything is a little blurry around the edges and Isak feels warm and carefree.

“That’s good,” Sana smiles. “But I do think you’ve had enough to drink.”

“I’m not that drunk,” Isak protests. “It’s just one beer anyway, I just want to celebrate and feel good for one night.”

“Yeah. I’m just worried about you,” Sana says gently. “I know you are not coping.”

Isak swallows harsly.

“I am,” he says firmly.

Sana looks at him as if she doesn’t believe him and Isak barely believes himself but in his drunken mind he stays firm with the idea that everything is okay.

“You don’t need to worry,” he continues. “I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

“Okay, Isak,” Sana says. “I don’t think I’ll join you to the club by the way. I have to work tomorrow and I promised I’d help Elias with a few errands before.”

“Oh, yeah, Elias,” Isak mumbles. “You won’t tell him about me and Even right?”

Then he laughs at himself.

“I guess he already knows. He is one of Even’s best friends so.”

He takes a couple sips of his beer.

“Take it easy, okay?” Sana says.

Isak smiles again.

“It’s okay, Sana. You don’t have to babysit me. I can take care of myself. I’m okay. I feel great.”

As he returns to the living room he downs his beer in less than ten minutes.

-

An hour later they have arrived at the club. It is absolutely crowded and it looks like every student in Oslo is out tonight. He, Nils, Alfred and two more guys have just done some tequila shots and Isak can feel the liquid move in his stomach. He grabs his phone to check the time and his eyes catch the picture on the lockscreen. He still hasn’t had the heart to change it from the picture of Even he took when the two of them went on that hike. Now it feels like someone has just poured a bucket of ice cold water over his head. His heart drops and everything hurts.  

Suddenly he can’t breathe anymore and everything is blurry and all he knows is that he needs to get out now. The whole place is crowded and he can’t even see the exit from where he is standing in the middle of the club. The air feels hot and thick and the music is too loud. He needs to get out. Frantically, he moves towards the edge of the crowd hoping it will be the exit. He doesn’t even care if Nils and Alfred are following him or not. He just needs to get out. He should never have joined them anyway. He shouldn’t have gotten this drunk. He shouldn’t have pretended that everything was okay when it takes one small thing to completely tear him down.

As soon as he gets out he collapses on the sidewalk where he throws up. His chest feels tight and there are tears in his eyes.

“Dude what the hell?”

The voice belongs to Nils and soon after Alfred joins them as well.

“What the fuck is going on? You just took off?”

“I want to go home,” Isak says frantically. “I need to go home.”

Nils takes a step closer and tries to put a hand on Isak’s shoulder but Isak scrambles away. He doesn’t want anyone to touch him right now. All he can think about is that no one will ever love him again. He got his one chance with Even and he blew it just like he fucks up everything else.

“Don’t touch me,” he yells.

“Hey, I’m just trying to help you. Whatever is going on you can tell us.” Nils says unsurely.

“I just want to be left alone,” Isak says unaware of the small crowd of people who are now looking at him. “I can’t do this.”

“What?” Alfred says.

“Everything! Everything is fucked up. I am fucked up and no one loves me,” Isak rambles. “I just want it to stop.”

“We can help,” Nils says helplessly. “Just try and tell us what is going on. We don’t understand if you don’t tell us”

“Yeah,” Alfred adds. “You are like the coolest person ever. Nothing ever gets to you or brings you down.”

“Everything brings me done. All the time. Every single day. You just don’t notice because you don’t care,” Isak cries. “No one cares. Everybody just leaves.”

“Is there anyone we can call?” Nils asks. “Maybe your parents?”

Isak shakes his head. There is no one. The one person he truly wants more than anything doesn’t want him as much. He’s alone and it hurts. He should be used to it by now but he is not. He wonders if he will ever be used to it again.

“What the fuck is going on?”

There is another voice. A voice that is much nicer than Alfred’s and Nils’ and even through his tears Isak recognises it.

Next thing he knows Mahdi’s crouching in front of him.

“Isak, look at me,” he says. “It’s going to be fine.”

Then Mahdi turns to Alfred and Nils who are standing a few meters away and demands answers from them.

“What happened?” Mahdi asks. “Why is he so upset?”

“We don’t know. Everything was fine but then he just took off and we followed. We thought maybe he had just had too much to drink but then he started crying hysterically and he said that no one loves him and that everyone leaves. We asked if we should call someone but then you showed up. Are you his friend or something?”

Next to him Mahdi is nodding and then he offers his hand to help Isak stand up.

“Let’s get you home,” he says gently. “I’ll take him home. I got him. It’s okay,” he continues as he turns his attention to Nils and Alfred who are still standing a few meters away, both looking a bit shocked.

“What is going on?” Mahdi asks once they are back at Mahdi’s apartment which he shares with one of his classmates. “You’ve lost weight and you look exhausted, man. You are obviously not okay.”

“Everything just falls apart, and I can’t do anything about it,” Isak says. “Everyone around me just leaves and I feel so fucking lonely.”

“What do you mean with everybody?” Mahdi asks.

“I don’t know. My parents, all of my friends...Even,” Isak whispers weakly.

He watches Mahdi’s face fall.

“What makes you say that? That we have left you. We are here for you, you know that right?” Mahdi says.

Isak shrugs.

“Everything has just changed, hasn’t it? We barely spend time together and we only see each other if Jonas or Magnus are home. I know you have your friends and I guess that I have mine, but we never talk and Magnus is in Bergen and Jonas is in California having the time of his life and it feels like everyone is moving on.”

“Oh,” Mahdi says. “I had no idea you felt that way. I just thought you were busy with school and work and everything. I had no idea you felt lonely or otherwise I would have done something about it. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Isak whispers. “You didn’t know and it’s just me being stupid.”

Mahdi shakes his head.

“It’s not stupid. I know how close you are with Jonas and I know that you miss him a lot. He’s really worried about you and I know he hates not being able to be close to you when he can tell something is going on.”

Isak nods tearfully and Mahdi smiles.

“What did you say about Even?” Mahdi asks. “You were so happy when you told us and you seemed to be doing good but you said he left too. Have you two broken up?”

It’s all it takes for Isak to start crying violently again, and Mahdi hurries to wrap an arm around him.

“Oh, Isak,” he mumbles

-

“Can I talk to you?” Reine asks gently as he approaches Isak in the kitchen where he has just put some new orders for the chefs to see.

It’s his first shift in ages with everything going on, but now he feels ready to drown himself in work during the summer. It’s been a few days since his breakdown in front of Nils and Alfred. Mahdi has texted him every day to make sure Isak is okay and he has promised not to tell anyone else. Isak is not ready to tell anyone else. He just wants to move on.

Reine looks serious in a way Isak has never seen him before and his stomach drops.

“Yeah,” he manages. “Of course,”

He wonders if maybe Reine has noticed that he hasn’t been at work in a while, but that is normally not a problem, although Isak has not been absent for more than three weeks before which he has now. Reine takes him to his office and closes the door behind him.

“There is really no good way of saying this,” Reine starts and Isak instantly starts to panic.

“I’ve already spoken to most of the others but I wanted to talk to you by myself rather than you hearing from anyone else. I don’t know if you have noticed but the restaurant has not been making as much money lately. I would say in the last few months. It’s not super bad but It’s not going to get better in the summer when we don’t have any outdoor seating available, which is mainly what people are looking for. Anyway, it also needs some renovation, mainly in the kitchen, which would be very costly and the rent is already very high and I can’t see myself being able to afford it which means I have to close.  I want to do this while I can still pay my staff because you are what makes this business run and because I love all of you. Ideally, I would fight a bit longer since things might get better but I’ve worked here almost every day for the past 15 years, and even if it breaks my heart to leave I need to be there for my family. My wife needs my support and our daughter just had a baby with special needs so I want to be able to give her my support. I’m really sorry about this, Isak. You are a great kid and I’m really fond of you. All of you to be honest, and I wish I could make this work but I at least want to be able to pay your salaries and of course you can leave my number if you apply for a new job and I’ll put in a really good word for you. I’ll even see if I know anyone in the business who might be hiring…”

Isak is barely listening. The panic inside him is building. What is he supposed to do? He needs his job to be able to pay his rent. He needs it to afford food, and even if he gets this month’s salary it won’t last long since he has hardly worked. A million things run through his head as he tries to figure out how much money he has saved, and if he can use it during the summer and until he finds a new place to live. Maybe he will have to find a new apartment that is cheaper. It would not be a day too early really because his place is overpriced anyway, but he can’t go through the process of trying to find somewhere to live, and even less moving. If he finds something cheaper, maybe closer to campus he won’t have to work next semester. But he has no idea what to do until then and the summer has only just started.

He can’t focus at all when Reine goes over formalities and talks about his salary and stuff and as he leaves Reine’s office there are tears in his eyes. Sasha spots him and hurries to give him a warm hug.

“Are you alright?” she asks gently.

He nods his head and shakes it simultaneously. He has no idea. It just feels like it’s been a really crappy few weeks and everything around him is slowly going to hell. As stupid as it might be, his workplace has been like his home in a way and the people like a family. It might not be much but up until he met Even it was all he had. And now he has lost all of it. First Even and now this. He will miss it like crazy. Sasha treating him like a baby brother. Jose teasing him for being the baby even though there are waiters that are younger than him. The banter between Dimitri and Thomas. And Reine who has put up with Isak for all this time. Who has been more of a father in these two years than Isak’s own. All of the friendliness and familiarity. He doubts he will see them often again. He doubts they are as attached as he is.

“I’ve known for a little while,” Sasha says as the two of them are the last ones to leave. She lives close by but he decides to follow her home anyway.

“I feel worse for Reine though,” she says. “I mean he has worked so hard and he has never let us worry or anything and he has done everything in the best interest of his employees. I know this is tearing him apart.”

“What are you going to do?” Isak asks.

Sasha smiles.

“I’ve applied for uni actually. I want to be a kindergarten teacher or a preschool teacher. I’ve not decided yet. And if I don’t get in now I might go to New Zealand for a bit. I’ve saved some money and now seems like a good time to do it I guess.”

Isak nods. She is so calm. She doesn’t let herself worry and it makes perfect sense that she already has a plan for this. Isak just feels lost and he has no idea where to begin.

“I’m sure you will figure something out. You are so smart, and you were always meant to do more exciting stuff than be a waiter. Not that I’m not going to miss you.” she says. “You are like a little brother to me and I can’t imagine having a better coworker than you.”

“I’m going to miss you, too” Isak says warmly. “I know you are going to be an amazing teacher.”

\-  

Everything kind of falls apart after that. Isak had planned to throw himself into work until he forgot about Even but now he can’t even have that as a distraction. Instead, he has just lost his job and needs to find a new one so that he can pay for his rent at the end of summer. The universe must really fucking hate him or something.

He works his last shift a few days later. Reine offers him some more shifts mostly out of bad conscience but Isak can’t accept them because he knows that Reine needs the money and they don’t need to be that many people. It feels so weird to do everything for the last time and by the time he’s finished he doesn’t even bother to hide his tears as he hugs everyone goodbye and makes empty promises to not lose contact and to see each other soon again. He knows it’s not going to happen anyway.

“You are going to do amazing things, Isak. You are going to save so many lives and I know you are going to be a fantastic doctor one day. I’ll always be proud of you and I want you to know that,” Reine says and gives Isak a tight hug.

Reine has given him a few numbers to call for other restaurant owners, but so far he hasn’t had much luck. None of them are hiring at the moment but promise to keep his contact info for the future. It doesn’t bring much comfort and it doesn’t do anything to stop his worries.

He has no idea what he is supposed to do. He can’t call his dad and ask for money because his dad will just use it against him. He doesn't want to bother his friends with it either. There’s nothing they can do about it anyway. Jonas is staying in California and Magnus has a job in Bergen over the summer. He could probably talk to Sana but she has already done so much for him in the past few weeks. She deserves better. She deserves not having to worry about him. It’s better if they don’t know. He will just feel guilty if he has to burden them with his stupid problems again.

He can’t help but feel lonely though. He has not slept properly in ages and the newly added stress of trying to find a new job hasn’t helped. As he lies awake and it’s nearing 3 am he misses Even. He misses him so much. He just wants to be held again and feel Even’s safe arms around him. Even would know what to say to calm him down, and he wouldn’t let Isak worry about anything. His chest hurts and his heart aches as he curls in on himself further and lets the tears fall.

Even has not texted him since Isak asked him to stay away and Isak knows it’s for the best. He was stupid and naive to believe that they could have something in the first place. That he could have a family with Even and that they were meant to be. He had been naive to think he could finally be happy. He was so fucking naive to think that he could be good enough for Even.

Even deserves the world and Isak has nothing to offer anyone. He is a shitty person who has done pretty shitty things in his life. To Eva and Jonas by trying to break them off. To the rest of his friends by basically being an awful friend to them. He’s been selfish and closed off his whole life. He has led on girls to hide his sexuality before he was abruptly thrown out of  the closet headfirst at 17. He has been ashamed of his own mother for something that isn’t her fault. He has resented her and even abandoned her. He may have been dealt a shitty hand, but he has done nothing to deserve something better. And this is his life. Lonely, sad and pathetic.

No one will choose Isak first, he isn’t the most important person in anyone’s life. His parents have always picked other people before him. He begged his father to stay but his father left anyway. His father doesn’t care, doesn’t love him. His friends have their families, their significant other who are way more important than Isak is. Jonas has always been his best friend but at times when Jonas has been the only good thing in Isak’s life Isak has always known that Jonas had others. More important people. Jonas has a family of his own. A family full of love. Jonas has a mother and father who love their children unconditionally and take them on vacation every year. A baby sister who he plays video games with and fights for the shotgun position in the car with. Isak’s own sister is a selfish bitch with two kids of her own and a handsome lawyer husband. She doesn’t care about Isak. He is not important to her.

And then there is Even. Isak had thought that maybe Even was that one person. That after waiting his whole life he had actually met someone who would choose him. He had slowly let go of his carefully built walls and let his guard down. He had given Even everything and Even had made him feel safe and carefree. But that person isn’t Even.

They all have people that are more important than he is. People they will  rather save, rather choose if it ever came down to it. And it has. Over and over and over people keep choosing and Isak is never picked. He is expendable.

That’s the way it is always going to be. Sometime it makes him cry in the shower. Sometimes it’s these thoughts that make it impossible to fall asleep. But most of the time Isak just accepts that this is what his life is meant to be like. He hasn’t been born to do amazing things or experience great love or tenderness.

Maybe in another universe he has all these things. Maybe in another universe someone chooses him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you lied this chapter even if it was quite angsty. It would mean alot if you too the time to let me now what you think :) 
> 
> Isak is obviously in a really bad place right now and he doesn't know how to cope. At first he feels absolutely shattered which is understandable and he couldn't do anything. Now he just wants to turn off his emotions but everything just comes back to him. I tries to focus on his studies as to not think and then drown his thought in alcohol which did not work at all. What did you think of his breakdown? Nils and Alfred were quite shocked because in their mind ISak is an almost cold person that nothing can bring down. They just don't know him and this is the facade he has showed them since getting to know him. With Sana it's different. She sees through him and pushes him in the right direction. And then we have Mahdi who honestly had no idea that Isak felt that way. But he tried his best and he too truly cares for Isak. He will be there for Isak in the future too! 
> 
> And then we have Isak losing his job :( I now it seems really harsh to have everything happening at the same time and that it happens suddenly or randomly but It was always the plan as well (And forgive me for being a little unrealstic. There is probably some laws attacthed which would make it work a little differently in reality) and it will bring good things with it. I promise. ISak will find a new job and he will find a new important friend through that job ;) But for now he needs to find a way to function and now that he has some support he should get there. He just needs some time. 
> 
> He is in a very dark place at the end of this chapter and he honestly think that this is just the way it is going to be. He thinks that he is expendable! But he has support in his friends. He just needs to realise that they are closer than he think and that they will always be there for him no matter what. He also took a step in the right direction when it comes to his mom and he will continue to take steps when it comes to her.
> 
> Thank you soooo much for reading <3


	16. Which one would you recommend?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm updating before work today :) 
> 
> You continue to spoil me rotten with all your beautiful and dedicated comments. I can't thank you enough or tell you how much I appreciate all of them. It truly means the world to me and I feel so grateful for all the time you put into them because I really love interacting with you and I love reading your opinions <3 <3 <3 THANK YOU SO MUCH
> 
> Thank you Steffi for always helping me and spending so much time proof reading and giving your advice. I couldn't do it without you! 
> 
> I'm a little worried about this chapter because even if I've done my absolute best I'm worried that I've not managed to make it justice or handled Even in this chapter with respect and grace. It will deal with and episode just as a warning for you. I've done my very best with it but I'm in no way an expert on bipolar and even if you can do basic research it's not always what people with experience actually experience. I've based a tiny bit of it from experience from work but I'm not close enough to those people to truly understand or grasp how they are feeling. I can just take their behaviour but I don't know how they are feeling inside!

 

 

 **I don’t want you**  
**to call or text me anymore**

Even’s heart beats rapidly as his phone pings with an incoming text and he realises that Isak has finally answered. After Even has called and texted non-stop for the last couple of days, Isak has finally answered. His heart sinks and his fingers shake as he quickly presses the call button. He just needs one more chance. He needs to hear that Isak is okay. As okay as a person can be after being broken up with. They have broken up, him and Isak. Even has broken up with Isak and the thought makes him feel sick. This wasn’t meant to happen, not like this.

He had thought Isak was the right person for him, despite their age difference. He had thought that they were meant to be. He had thought he could be happy with Isak and have that final puzzle piece he had been missing for so long. He had been naïve to believe that he could make everyone happy. That he would be enough.

Falling in love with Isak had been the easiest thing ever and he had felt like the happiest person in the world. When Isak hadn’t left him when he found out about Ellie he had thought that everything would be okay. Then he had thought that everything would be okay in a little while, with time. He had been stupid and blind and because of that everything had fallen apart. It’s all his fault.

Ellie is the most important thing in his life and he will always put her before everyone else. He would do anything for her happiness but he had truly thought he could have both. But because he had been so caught up in his own love life with Isak, in their blissful little happy bubble, he had managed to ignore and forget about the most important person. The one person he was supposed to never let down. He had hurt Ellie. Ellie who is stronger than most 16-year-olds. Who has been through a lot more in her life than most of her friends but still is beautiful, kind and compassionate. Ellie who is so caring and selfless but still mourning the loss of her mother, still suffering from the abandonment.

Even had promised to never fail her. But he had, and now he had to put her first again. To not hurt her again. Only now he’s hurt Isak beyond repair, all because he didn’t want to hurt Ellie.

It feels ironic and cruel. He is a mess of a person and no matter what he does, people are always hurt by him. No matter how hard he tries it will never be enough. He is bound to let down the people he loves. That thought breaks his heart all over again.

Signal after signal goes through but Isak never picks up and after a while Even just gives up. He deflates.

 

 **I don’t want you**  
**to call or text me anymore**

Tears well up in Even’s eyes as he reads Isak’s text once again. It feels like Isak has punched him in the gut but it’s what he deserves. It hurts but it’s what he deserves. He can’t blame Isak for asking him to stay away, not when he is the one responsible for breaking Isak’s heart.

He is so worried though, because who is going to look after Isak now? Isak isn’t good at looking after himself and he has somehow convinced himself that he isn’t special, that he isn’t worth the effort. Who will make sure Isak eats and sleeps? Who will tell Isak how amazing and special he is?

“You need to look after yourself!” Mikael says gently. “You did the right thing. You looked out for Ellie! You did your best.”

Even is interrupted from his thoughts and looks up. He has spent the evening at Mikael’s and told his best friend everything. About the guilt he is feeling, how it feels like it is all his fault.

“I broke his heart,” Even says. “I fucked up so much with both of them. I should just have been honest from the beginning and should have handled things differently. I should have listened to Isak more. If I had just told Ellie from the beginning and let her get used to it slowly none of this would have happened, and if I hadn’t been so blind to her needs this wouldn’t have happened either. I just thought that it would be okay with time and that she was just acting out because she didn’t like Isak or something. But it was deeper than that and I should have known better than to just assume. It’s my fault and now I’ve hurt them both. I ended up hurting Ellie because I was too focused on Isak and when I do everything in my power not to hurt her I hurt Isak even more.”

“You are being too hard on yourself,” Mikael sighs. “You can’t blame yourself for this. Isak is an adult and he should understand that Ellie will always come first. If he can’t do that how is it going to work?”

Even shrugs.

“I don’t know. I mean I will always need to prioritise her but I get why Isak would feel the way he did. In his mind I just dropped everything for her and left him hanging more than once. I mean he still needs me too. I just wish I could do it both. That my time and love was enough.”

“But Isak is an adult, he should understand that sometimes he will need to step aside if you need to take care of your daughter. Is the normal thing to do. I don’t have children, but I have seen enough of my friends with kids to realise that they are the most important thing in your life once you become a parent and that you would do anything for them. Surely, Isak would understand that? He must have known that it was going to be like this once you told him you had a daughter.”

Mikael sets down a cup of tea in front of Even and takes a seat on one of the chairs.

“I know you never liked him,” Even mumbles and takes the mug between his hands.

The tea is still too hot to drink but he still grabs the mug and holds onto it as if his life depended on it. Mikael sighs but doesn’t answer.

Even’s mind drifts off again. To Isak and to the moment Isak’s face fell and the tears started streaming down his face. To the moment when Even basically told Isak that he would never choose him. He had said the cruelest thing possible and watched Isak crumble. The saddest, most horrible thing is that he would do it again. If he had to. And therefore Isak deserves so much better.

“Have you told anyone else?” Mikael asks. “Does Ellie know yet?”

Even shakes his head and takes a sip of tea.

“No, I’ll tell her when I get home though. I just needed a few days for myself, I guess,” he explains. “No one else knows. I’ll text the boys later. They deserve to know too I guess. My parents just got to know about him so now they will want to meet him and stuff.”

Even chokes out the last part and buries his face in his hands. He can feel Mikael reach over the table to put a hand on his shoulder.

“They just want what’s best for you. That’s what all of us do and I think that you were bending over backwards trying to please both Ellie and Isak and you just forgot about yourself in all of that. You spread yourself really thin which you always do because you always put other people in front of you. I know that everything sucks now but it will get better. You will get better and now you can focus on you and Ellie for a little while.”

“Yeah,” Even mumbles.

Maybe Mikael is right. He knows he needs to focus on Ellie right now to get her back on her feet. Then maybe there will be room for love in his life again. Even doubts he will ever want anyone else than Isak, but he also doubts that Isak will want anything to do with him after this. He is lucky if he finds someone that brings him that much happiness, excitement and love ever again.

-

“Isak and I broke up,” he tells Ellie once he gets home from Mikael.

She looks up from the book she is reading. She looks surprised but otherwise he can’t read any emotion on her face.

“Why?” she asks.

Even sighs and offers a tired smile. Keeping up a facade is exhausting, but the last thing he needs is for her to feel guilty because this is not her fault. It is his. He is the one who screwed up.

“Because you are more important,” he says. “I love you more than anything and I want to focus on you for now.”

Ellie nods and studies him for a few seconds.

“Okay,” she says unsurely and Even can tell that she feels conflicted. “Will you be okay?” she continues.

He nods.

“Yes,” he says.

He spends the next 20 minutes crying in the shower and allows those stupid shower speakers Isak liked to tease him about to hide his sobs.

-

He goes to work as usual the next day because he cannot afford to stop now. No matter how much he wants to lie in his bed all day because there is an Isak shaped hole in his chest he can’t. He is not going to let another person down. His boss needs him and counts on him to step it up. He makes sure to come in early and prepare for meetings with clients as well as with their co-workers, and during the night he squeezes in a few more hours of work. He doesn’t let anyone worry about him. He never shows his tears. He puts on a smile as he walks towards the next meeting. He helps his co-workers out even if he is drowning in work himself. He takes an extra meeting when his boss gets caught up and when she is stressed he reassures her that he has her back.

At the same time, Ellie still needs him. She is trying to get on track with her school work but Even can tell that she feels tired and hopeless. She is doing her best but there are just so many things she needs to do in order to pass her classes. He can also see that she still feels lonely. Now that he actually looks properly. She still sees her friends sometimes, but overall she is more reserved and spends most of her time at home. The difference is huge compared to a year ago when Ellie spent almost all her time with Ida.

Even remembers the feeling of losing friends all too well. How much it had hurt to feel so lonely Ellie might have not lost Ida completely, but it is still obvious that she misses her best friend and what they used to have.

He divides his attention between Ellie and work. Puts on a smile every day and pretends that everything is okay. At night when he struggles to sleep the tears come and he lies awake for hours crying silently. He never lets Ellie or anyone else know how broken he feels.

-

Even though he is busy he manages to squeeze in a lunch with Mutta and Elias between two of his meetings. It feels nice to see them again after a few weeks of not having had the time for them. They have all shown their support since he told them about him and Isak, and they have texted him every day to make sure he is okay.

“Are you sure you are okay?” Mutta asks worriedly as he digs into the sallad in front of him.

“Yeah, man! You can talk to us. It is okay to feel sad. You are allowed to feel too.” Elias points out.

Even takes a bite of his salmon.

“I’m doing okay, I guess,” Even says. with a small smile. “I miss Isak of course but I try to focus on work and Ellie right now.”

It’s not a lie. He misses Isak every day but putting his focus on work is a nice distraction and it allows him to focus on something else rather than his own sadness.

“We are just a bit worried about you,” Mutta says. “You are stressing so much both at work and with being there for Ellie. “

“It’s not healthy for you,” Elias says.

“Look, I appreciate your concern,” Even starts. “But this is what I have to do. Things are a bit stressful at the moment but I can’t let anyone down. My boss needs me and we have a lot of things going on that are important for the company, so I have to work some extra hours. It’s okay. Things will get better and I soon have a few weeks off. And I can’t really let Ellie suffer either. It’s my fault she is feeling this way and I should have been more attentive to her needs. She has had to work really hard to finish school and pass her classes and I need to show her that I’m her dad and that I love her. I need to look after her so that is what I am going to do.”

They both nod and exchange quiet looks between them.

“We get that but you also need to look after yourself. You are burning the rope at both ends, Even, and it won’t end well. You know how important it is for you to keep your stress level at a reasonable level. You look tired and we are just worried that you will crash. No one wants that for you,” Elias says eventually.

“No one will blame you if you take a break. No one will blame you for admitting that you are sad or that you need a little time to recharge your batteries,” Mutta adds. “It’s okay Even. You are allowed to put your own needs first. You are always so selfless but you need to take a break and allow yourself to feel. I know how much you love Isak and I know how much it hurt to break up with him. I’m not saying you didn’t do the right thing or anything I’m just worried about the way you are dealing with it. It seems like you are just pushing everything aside because you don’t want to worry anyone else. But we are your friends and we love you and care about you.”

Even kind of hates the way they are taking turns talking to him as if he is a kid. Deep down he knows they are probably right. He knows it’s not going to work out in the long run and that it is a recipe for disaster.

“It’s okay,” he says. “I’ll be okay.”

“At least let us be here for you and talk to us,” Mutta pleads.

Even continues to work hard despite his friends’ concerns and his sleep gets worse and worse. He is tired but he doesn’t want to let anyone down and anything is better than to feel the constant heartbreak. He can tell that they continue to worry about him, and even his parents and Ellie seem to notice how hard he is pressuring himself and eventually his parents demand that Even come over for dinner despite Even’s protest that he doesn’t have the time.

“Even, I think you need to slow down,” his mother says firmly. “This is not healthy. I know Isak meant a lot to you, and if you need to lean on someone we are here for you. It’s okay to be upset.”

Even just wishes they would stop bringing Isak up because everytime they do there is a knot in Even’s stomach and it makes him feel sick with guilt and sadness.

“I’m fine,” Even lies. “You don’t have to worry about me. It’s fine. It was for the best and I need to focus on Ellie right now.”

“You are working crazy hours and you look like you don’t sleep. Are you eating?” his mother asks.

“Yes, mom,” Even says. “You really don’t have to worry about me. I appreciate your concern but I have everything under control.”

His dad sighs next to him and Even knows neither of them believe him.

“You know how important it is that you sleep properly…” his mother insists stubbornly.

“I know! I have lived with my disorder for over 15 years so I know what I need to do and not. I’m doing the best that I can okay?” Even says loudly, not able to hide the frustration in his voice. “

It is becoming increasingly harder to keep himself together when all he wants to do is give up. He just doesn’t want them to worry about him.

“I take my medication every day and I don’t drink alcohol but right now there is a lot of things that I need to do. There are a lot of things at work and my boss counts on me. I’m not going to let anyone down.”

“Okay, Even!” his mother says worriedly. “We trust you to know your limits.”

-

It doesn’t work for long and almost a month later he finds himself spiraling. He starts to feel less tired and is able to do even more work. He is inspired and full of new ideas. He stays up until way past midnight but still wakes up early in the morning feeling energised. He actually feels like he is accomplishing things and during his meetings he presents his new ideas with lots of enthusiasm.

He doesn't notice there really is a problem until Ellie points it out to him after Even has bought a new camera only so that he can pick up photography, and decided that they should go to Greece on vacation together.

He denies it at first and just feels annoyed with her because everything finally feels better, but then Ellie involves his parents and they are quick to take action before his hypomanic episode can turn into full mania. Even is angry with them at first for interfering with his life, but then a day or two later he wakes up and everything feels heavy and dark and he doesn’t have the energy to leave bed.

-

Suddenly, all his energy from before is drained and everything feels empty and pointless. He is exhausted and all he wants to do is sleep. As he lies in his dark room he allows his darkest thoughts to pester. Despite his best effort he has let everyone down. His boss who counted on him is now left without him, trying to clean up the mess he has probably created during his meetings. There is so much going on for the company right now and he has completely failed her. He has made his parents and Ellie worry about him yet again despite trying to not make them worry. He can never do anything right, can he? They are worried and it is all his fault, he has hurt people and it is all his fault. He hates himself for always burdening others and always letting people down. He hates himself because he is a bad person for everyone around him.

“Hi, dad,” Ellie whispers gently as she lies down next to him on the bed.

“Hey,” he says tiredly. “Are you home already?”

She nods gently.

“Yeah, do you want something to eat? I can make you something.”

He shakes his head. It hurts slightly and his throat feels dry from not drinking enough water the last few days. She has tried to make him eat every day since he crashed, but he has not had the energy or the appetite to eat much more than a few sandwiches and a smoothie. The bottle of water she left before she went to school remains untouched on the nightstand.

“You should go. Stay a few days with grandma and grandpa,” he mutters.  

“I don’t want that,” Ellie says. “I want to be with you.”

“You shouldn’t take care of me,” he continues.

“I want to!” Ellie says stubbornly but her voice remains gentle.

“Well you shouldn’t,” he mutters. “You should be out having fun or be at the gym or whatever. Not taking care of me, lying next to me for hours not doing anything.”

He can hear her shuffle around for a bit and next thing he knows she is sitting in the bed with her knees bent slightly. He feels like he is going to suffocate and he has no room for her love right now. It’s too exhausting and the guilt is eating him alive.

“Can you please leave?” he pleads.

“Do you want me to?” Ellie asks and Even can tell that he she wants him to say no.

He closes his eyes.

“Yes,” he says. “I want to be alone.”

There is some more shuffling.

“Okay,” she says defeatedly. “I’ll leave you alone for a little bit. I’m going to call grandpa.”

He can hear her walk out the room and close the door behind her. He wants her to come back Sbut he is too tired to even call her name. It’s been exactly like this for the past days. she stays for as long as he allows her to and the second he asks her to leave she gives him space. He doesn’t deserve her and she would be so much better off without him. All he ever does is hurting her and pushing her away and she still stays with him.

Outside he can hear her talk quietly to his dad over the phone. They are discussing what to do next. If his dad should come over straight away. If he has eaten, if he has slept, if he has taken his antidepressants and his lithium. If he needs another appointment with his therapist. Ellie is acting like the parent and she shouldn’t have to. Even should be able to take care of himself. Yet this is how it always ends up. Him burdening other people and pulling them down with him.

His mom and dad are bending over backwards to look after him and Ellie and have taken turns staying over during the last week. And Ellie has stayed in his bedroom whenever he has allowed her and then left again when he has asked for space. She has cooked all his favourite meals in the hopes that he will eat at least something but has ended up putting most of it away again. She showers him in love and patient and he only pushes her away and hurts her further.

He thinks of Isak as he lies there in the darkness. Isak had told him to not call or text anymore and Even is not going to. He is going to stay away forever. Isak certainly deserves better than Even. Isak doesn’t deserve any more heartbreak and with Even it was bound to happen sooner or later anyway. Even was always going to end up breaking Isak in one way or another. It is better this way, that it happens now before Even manages to drag Isak down too. This way Isak can move on and live a better life without Even in it. This way Even can’t poison him.

-

He starts to feel a little better three days later. Just well enough to leave bed and take a shower and make himself something to eat while Ellie is in school. His parents have arranged an appointment with his therapist for tomorrow morning. Even hates the way they sometimes treat him like he is 14 years old, but he is also grateful that they take care of these kinds of things instead of leaving Ellie to have to do it. He just wishes neither of them had to be stuck with him.

He spends the rest of the afternoon on the couch watching some TV. When Ellie gets home and spots him freshly showered and eating some of the pasta she had made a few days earlier he can tell that she lets out a sigh of relief. She drops her backpack on the floor and kicks off her shoes. When she crawls up on the couch next to him he lifts his arm and allows her to snuggle close to him. She gratefully sinks down next to his body and curls up snuggly.

“Hey,” she whispers.

“Hi, girl,” he says and kisses the top of her head.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“I’m okay,” he reassures her because right now it feels like he is getting there and just seeing her more happy makes a huge difference for him.

“Do want to order some food?” she asks.

“Maybe later,” he says.

She nods.

“Okay.”

They spend the rest of the night together, just curled up just like this. It feels so good to have her this close and it reminds him of when she was just a kid and wanted to watch Robin Hood every day for three weeks before she moved on to Treasure Planet, an obsession that had lasted for a month. Even still knows all the lines by heart.

Even goes to bed around 10 pm. Even if today was a better day, staying up, eating and socialising with Ellie has taken a toll on him and he feels exhausted.

It takes another week and a half until he feels more like himself again and he is actually managing to function somewhat properly. He has agreed with his therapist to take it easy and not return to work for more than once a week before his weeks off, which means he won’t return until August. He feels guilty for letting his boss down but she reassures him that his health is the most important thing. Instead, he goes on walks and runs every morning and tries to come back to some sort of routine again.

His therapist had told him that the episode had likely been triggered by a lot of stress and that the break-up with Isak had likely been a contributing factor. Now the best thing would be to get back to a schedule of regular sleep and try to keep the stress to a minimal level to not trigger another episode so soon. In a way Even supposes he should feel lucky that it wasn’t worse and that his episodes mostly consist of hypomania instead of full on manic episodes. Mostly for the sake of his family, but the depression is always difficult no matter how intense his mania has been. He always ends up feeling worthless and like a burden to anyone else and the recovery time is always long. He doubts he will feel completely like himself for another two weeks. Probably longer. For now it’s just one day at the time.

The only downside to this is that he has a lot of time to think. A lot of time to reflect on things and ever so often his thoughts wander off to Isak. Everytime they do his heart leaps in his chest, making it clench painfully. He misses Isak so much and now that he is getting back on his feet slowly the thoughts are more frequent.

He wonders what Isak is doing and he hopes that he is okay. He still doesn’t dare to text or call again because his heart couldn’t take another rejection and Isak has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to hear from Even. His heart soars once again as he thinks about Isak and Even wonders how long it is going to hurt for. Maybe it will never stop hurting? Maybe he will never get over Isak. He knows he needs to try but it is so hard. Part of him wants to believe that they can find their way back together, but with how everything went down it feels unlikely. First of all Ellie must accept Isak because if she never will it can never work between them.

Ellie seems to be doing a little better now that school is out and she has handed in all her extra work and her teacher has given her a pass. It’s still obvious that she feels lonely though and even if she spends more time out now during the summer something doesn’t feel quite the same. They have not talked about it much actually and Even feels guilty. Some dad he is. All he has given her recently are more reasons to worry instead of the support and love he promised to give her. He is a mess but he needs to be the dad now.

He hasn’t talked to her more about her feelings but he knows he has to at some point. He is just not sure how to take that step. It feels like he might have severed their bond and that he needs to build it up from scratch.

“You know you can talk to me, right?” he tries one night at dinner. “About anything.”

Ellie gives him a smile.

“Yes I know,” she says.

“Okay,” he says. “It’s just that it feels like you don’t come to me anymore and I know that it is probably my fault. I just want things to go back to normal between us.”

She doesn’t answer right away.

“Me too,” she says finally. “I guess this summer has just been a lot. With everything and your episode and things.”

Things. Isak. The break-up. There are a lot of things that are unsaid in that sentence. A lot of tension yet to be resolved.

“You know I would never put anyone else before you, right?” Even asks.

Once again Ellie takes some time to answer.

“Yes I do, now. But sometimes I’m just scared that it will happen eventually anyway.” she says honestly. “and if you got back with Isak I’m not sure I would be okay with that.”

Even bites the inside of his cheek. It hurts to hear her say that she won’t be happy for him. Ellie grimaces sadly.

“I’m sorry,” she continues. “I know you’ve been struggling a lot after the two of you broke up and it makes me feel awful, but I’m just so scared that it would make you forget about me again. I know I’m a horrible daughter but that’s how I feel.”

“You are not horrible,” Even says. “Your feelings are valid. You have every right to feel afraid and you don’t need to apologise.”

Ellie nods slowly.

“I don’t think me and Isak will get back together anyway. I don’t think he wants me in his life.”

“Why?” Ellie says.

Even shrugs.

“I made a lot of mistakes and in the end I just wasn’t enough. He asked me to stay away from him...so,”

Ellie nods and Even wonders what she is thinking. Her expression is impossible to read. Maybe she is feeling relieved that she won’t have to compete for Even’s attention anymore.

“And are you okay with that?” she asks

“I still care about him but I think maybe it was for the best.” Even says stoically. “And my life is complete as long as I have you.”

His heart might belong to Isak right now and it might be badly stitched together at the moment but he knows that he will be okay in the long run. He will be okay as long as he has Ellie. That’s what he has to convince himself.

“We’ll be okay,” he says. “You and me just like it always been.”

-

 

 **Congratulations you**  
**have been offered the**  
**position as my god**  
**father. I was born 3.43**  
**in the morning and was 50 cm**  
**long and weighed 3201 grams.**  
**Both me and my mom are doing**  
**good but mom is a bit tired.**  
**As a godfather you have to:**  
**Change diapers (at least once). Give**  
**my dad tips to become the best father**  
**(like you)let me ride on your shoulders,**  
**buy me lots of loud toys that my mom**  
**and dad would not approve of. If you**  
**like to take the job you will have to answer**  
**this text or make a call to my dad. They**  
**specifically chose you for the job so**  
**it would make me very happy if you**  
**want to take it.**

Even rereads the text several times and feels his heart swell with happiness and pride. Ever since Elias sent out a group text yesterday morning telling them that Sara was finally in labour he has waited for news. He had barely been able to fall asleep yesterday evening from all the excitement but now he has woken up to the best news possible. He feels honored that they have chosen him as a godfather.

He looks at the three pictures Elias has sent him along with the text. The baby is sleeping contently, dressed in a white body and grey pants. He is sucking on one of his fingers and one of his socks has almost slipped off his tiny foot.

As he lies in bed he quickly replies.

 

 

   
**I would love to take**  
**on the job and I promise**  
**I will do my very best to**  
**be the best goodfather in**  
**the world. <3<3<3**

  
**I’m so happy for the two**  
 **of you. He is beautiful.**  
 **Congratulations, man!**

 

It doesn’t take long for Elias to answer.

 

 **Thank you! It’s**  
**so surreal. I can’t stop**  
**looking at him. Sara is**  
**sleeping right now and I’m just**  
**sitting here with him in my arms.**  
**He is so perfect and we both know**  
**you will be the best godfather! You**  
**have supported us so much through**  
**everything and we can’t think about**  
**anyone else!**

 **He is beautiful! Looks**  
**so much like Sara ;)**  
**Does he have a name yet**?

 **Haha, yeah. That’s**  
**what everyone is saying.**  
**No, we are just trying to**  
**get to know him but we**  
**have a few options.**

 

 

-

He is about to meet Mutta and Yousef in 10 minutes and the three of them are going to buy something from a cafe and bring to Elias and Sara. Even remembers how exhausting it had been to have a newborn so the last thing he wants Elias and Sara to worry about is making sure their guests have something to eat. They have also bought several gifts for the baby and Even is currently carrying a huge bag filled with wrapped presents. Maybe they have gone a little overboard but they had done the same with Yousef’s two babies and even when Ellie was born the boys had ended up buying lots of baby clothes for Ellie.

Even looks forward to meeting the baby for the first time. After all that has happened recently he is glad to have something happy to focus on for a little while. When Elias had texted the other day Even had felt truly happy for the first time in ages. He knows Elias will be an amazing dad and Sara the best mother possible.

Elias has already sent him at least ten pictures a day and Even remembers how he was after Ellie just had been born. He had been the same and filled the memory card on their camera with pictures of Ellie.

He doesn’t plan to and he doesn’t realise. He is just wrapped up in his own thoughts and memories but all of a sudden he is walking down the street where Isak works. He hasn’t passed the restaurant since before the break-up. He wonders if Isak works today. He doesn’t have uni anymore so he probably works as much as he can. He wonders if he will be able to spot Isak if he walks past. There is no way that he will dare to actually go inside but if he at least can get a glance at Isak.

The restaurant is closed and most of the huge windows are covered. It is dark inside and even the sign above the door is gone. Even peeks inside through the glass door. It’s empty and only the permanent furniture remains, such as the bar where he and Isak first met. Even’s heart clenches painfully at the memory. He had summoned up all his courage to act cool in front of Isak and after that Isak refused to leave his head. He remembers waiting for Isak that night in February when he forgot his gloves in the car but waited for Isak to finish work just so they could celebrate Valentine’s Day together. Everything started there.

He feels worried. What has happened and why is the restaurant suddenly closed? What is Isak doing now? Is he okay? He knows how much Isak depends on his job to make an income and it is not like Isak can just ask his parents for money while he searches for a new job. He hopes that Isak is okay and all he wants to do is reach out to Isak. Call him or just go to his apartment and find out for himself. He knows that Isak can’t handle stress. He knows that he suffers from insomnia and sometimes anxiety. He can’t help but think that none of this would have happened if it wasn’t for him. If they were still together he could have supported Isak but now he has no idea how Isak is coping. Deep down he knows it’s not his fault but the guilt always finds a place within him. He just hopes that someone is there for Isak. That even if Isak doesn’t have Even in his life he has someone that looks after him and makes sure he takes care of himself.

Even can’t let go of the thoughts about Isak as he meets up with the others a little while later and even as they finally arrive at Elias’ apartment and they are introduced to baby Inam he can’t completely let go. The baby is tiny in his arms and sleeps calmly while Even cradles him carefully. He looks at the small nose and the tiny fingernails and breathes in the baby scent. Still, he can’t stop thinking about Isak. He still can’t stop worrying and once it is Mutta’s turn to hold him it is even more difficult to keep up a facade. All he wants to do is reach out to Isak but he has promised himself that he will not. He has to believe that it is for the best. He is just not the person to comfort Isak anymore or make sure he is okay.

“Are you okay?” Mutta asks from where he sits with the baby in his arms. “You seem a bit distracted.”

Even nods slowly.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says. “I just walked past the restaurant where Isak used to work and it’s closed. Like permanently and now I feel really worried about him...what if he doesn’t get a new job? He’s under so much pressure all the time and I’m just worried that he has no one.”

“Have you guys talked at all?” Elias asks and Even feels guilty for having him take time for Even and his problems when this should be about his son.

Even shakes his head.

“He told me to not text him anymore…” he says. “I just want to know if he is okay!”

“What about his family?” Yousef asks gently. “I’m sure they will look after him.”

“His family is kind of a mess,” Even explains. “It’s not really my place to share but he has pretty much had to take care of himself. And he is just so lonely. He doesn’t have anyone.”

“It’s not your fault though,” Elias says. “You can’t blame yourself!”

“It feels like it is though, if we were still together at least I could look after him,” Even says. “He was just so broken and I told him I would never choose him. Even when he had told me that he felt like no one loves him.”

“Yeah but you are still being too hard on yourself and right now you need to focus on yourself,” Yousef says. “You push yourself too hard and you just got yourself out of a depressive episode which was a result of the stress you put yourself under after the break-up.”

“That’s not Isak’s fault though,” Even says. “He has nothing to do with that.”

“We are not saying he is to blame for that but the thing is that you don’t want people to see you suffer because you don’t want to be a burden. And you always end up putting other people’s needs before your own and that is not healthy either. And when you were with Isak you put his needs before yours as well as Ellie’s and after the break-up you didn’t allow yourself to feel because you worried about Ellie and us instead. We are just worried about you!”

Mutta has been quiet for most of the time, completely mesmerized by the baby in his arms, but now he looks at Even with a gentle smile.

“I think that they are right,” he says. “But I also know how much you care about Isak and if you really want to you can send him a text. He might not answer but then you have at least shown him that you care about him. Only you can decide what you want to do. We are your friends and we will be here for you no matter what happens.”

Even smiles gratefully.

“Thank you,” he says to all of his friends. “Can we talk about something else now? I feel like I’ve drawn all the attention from this little man over there who we all came to see.”

If feels slightly better once he gets home but still it’s difficult to not think about Isak and in the following week that is almost all he can think about. He sends Isak a couple of texts just to ask if he is okay but he never receives an answer. It feels like another blow, another rejection that shatters his already weak heart. It’s almost as if he is back to square one of the break-up, trying desperately to reach Isak. Everyday he hopes to hear from Isak. Not even for his own sake at this point but for Isak’s. He just needs to know that Isak is okay. But Isak doesn’t want him anymore.

-

 **Would you mind**  
**buying some soda water**  
**and some crisps on your**  
**way over?**

 

Even checks his phone as he gets off the tram. He is on his way to Mutta’s for a night with the boys. They are just going to eat and hang out and Even feels like he really needs it right now. He knows there is a grocery store only a block away from Mutta, so he quickly types out a reply.

**Yes, sure! Just got off the  
tram. I’ll see you soon.**

It starts to rain just as he he spots the sign for the grocery store, so Even bows his head against the heavy water drops and tries his best to protect himself from the rain with his arms. He hurries inside and lets out a sigh of relief as the rain starts pouring outside just as the door closes behind him.

He moves slowly through the aisles and picks out some crisps as well as some club soda and a bottle of coke zero for Adam. As he walks towards the check out to pay his chest tightens painfully as he spots Isak sitting behind the till to the only check out open. He hasn’t seen Isak in forever but he still looks as beautiful as Even remembers. He looks tired though, and he has undoubtedly lost weight. He smiles tiredly to the person in the line but his eyes look sad. Even’s heart clenches painfully and he immediately fills with guilt and worry. Never in a million years had Even expected to run into Isak like this. Not after months of silence, not after being given the silent treatment for so long. Not here. Not a few blocks away from Muttas apartment. He takes a few deep breaths but it is no use. He looks around trying to come up with some sort of plan. He has no idea on how to handle this. He is not sure if Isak will even want to see him. The only other staff member he can see is another man, a few years older than Isak probably and with short reddish hair, who is currently unpacking a box of sweets. He quickly grabs two bags of candy from the nearest shelf and walks towards the queue. There are only two people ahead of him and his heart beats rapidly in his chest. Up close Isak looks even worse than from afar and it becomes clear that Isak is not sleeping properly either. There are dark circles underneath his eyes and they also lack that spark they used to have.

“Hi;” Isak says to the person in front of Even.

His voice sounds monotone and Even wishes that he could just put a smile on that beautiful face. He looks at the items in his basket and puts them slowly on the conveyor belt in front of him.

“Hi!” Isak says in the same flat voice but as soon as he looks up the colour from his face drains.

“Uh, hi!” Even says nervously.

Isak stares at him silently, his face pale.

“Which one would you recommend?” Even tries as he holds up the two bags of candy in front of Isak and tries to smile.

It turns out into a sad grimace and Isak looks like Even have just punched him. Even instantly feels like an asshole.

“I…” he starts wobbly.

Isak bites his lip and blinks frantically. He doesn’t say anything, just keeps staring at Even with big sad eyes.

“I didn’t know you worked here,” Even whispers.

Isak looks down momentarily and when he looks up all his walls have gone up and he gives Even an indifferent glance. In a matter of seconds he has gone from looking like he was about to cry in front of Even to looking like this. Like Even doesn’t mean anything to him.

“Yeah, well I do,” Isak says coldly.

“Okay,” Even says weakly, trying to clear his throat from the lump that is forming. “How are you? I texted you when I saw that the restaurant was closed. I was so worried about you but you never answered. What happened?”

He is mildly aware that a small queue is forming behind him but he is not going to let this moment slip by.

“Even...” Isak says.  

“Please?” Even says. “Can’t we talk? We haven’t seen each other in ages and I’ve been so worried about you but you never answered the phone and I never stopped thinking about you. I miss you so much.”

“Don’t,” Isak interrupts and Even flinches at the harsh tone in Isak’s voice.

Isak takes a deep breath but doesn’t allow himself crumble. His whole posture is stiff and rigid.

“Are you going to pay for those groceries?”  he adds.

“Please, just let me explain,” Even pleads desperately.

“There is nothing to explain, Even,” Isak says. “You did what you did. You did the right thing and I don’t blame you for it but it still hurt a lot. It still broke my heart and I can’t just get over it. It still hurts and you coming here making jokes about it? Why? Why are you here?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” Even whispers. “I’m so sorry-”

“Is everything alright?”

Even looks up and the red headed guy has now moved to stand next to Isak behind the till and he looks Even up and down.

“Yeah,” Isak mumbles as he starts to scan Even’s items one by one.

He refuses to meet Even’s eyes as Even pays for his groceries and even as Even walks past him he looks down. The red haired man gives Even one final look from where he stands next to Isak, a protective hand on Isak’s shoulder, before Even quickly gathers all his things and hurriedly walks out of the store. There is no use in hiding the tears as he steps out in the pouring rain again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's that! I hope you liked it and I hope I made it justice in some way. Please leave a comment letting me know what you thought :) It would mean so much to me.
> 
> Even is struggling of course and though him and Isak have kindof similar reactions to the break up I think their reasoning are a bit different. Even's worst fear is letting people down and burdering others so he acts like everything is okay for the sake of others. He doesn't want to burden people and he wants to be enough. In his mind he is never enough and he is always a burden for the people he loves. He thinks he is selfish but always acts never puts himself first. So he feels guilty in this chapter. Guilty for letting Ellie down and guilty for hurting Isak but he doesn't allow himself to be sad. His boss gneeds him so he throws himself into work. Ellie needs him so he focuses on her. 
> 
> He has family and friends though and they try their best to be their for him but he is stubborn and determined to never let them down or let them worry about him so he just keeps going until he can't. For the longest time I contemplated not including an episode but I didn't want to pretend it could never happen either. Just because Even in this fic have found a good way to deal with his biopolar disorder doesn't mean it has magically gone away. And I didn't want to pretend like it had. I hope it was the right decision. It takes some time to get back on his feet but after he does even is determined to move on. He decides that he will be okay and that it is for the best but when he walks past the restaurant (d145 you mind reader ;)) everything just comes back to him and he starts to worry again. Isak still doesn't reply and the rejection hurts. Then of course is their "reunion". Even doesn't know how to act and everything is such a mess of guilt and hurt the moment he sees Isak and with Isak's cold reaction it just gets worse. 
> 
> What did you all think about Ellie? About Even's parents and his friends? They are all their for him and Ellie is doing all she can to support her dad through his ups and downs. And what about Elias' son? It was important for me to include some light into this chapter aswell after all sadness and darkness. And of course Even would be the godfather or whatever you want to call it! And their small reunion? Was it what you had expected? Did you expect them to meet at Isak's workplace again? And who is that "mystery" co worker? Hahaha I feel like a few of you are just mindreaders all together. Hehe. 
> 
> Thank you soooo much for reading!


	17. I love you no matter who you love and I will always love you for who you are!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOOW! You guys had lots of opinions on the last chapter! Even though some of you are really angry and upset with some of the character's actions I appreciate all of your opinions. Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know what you think! Your words mean a lot to me <3 <3 I never thought it would be possible to top the break up chapter but then this happened :) I feel so happy and honoured and I never believed I would get this kind of response <3 
> 
> Even if you are upset and frustrated at the moment I do hope that you will stick around to the end. I put a lot of effort to make the characters well rounded and realistic which means both good sides and bad. Still I don't want you to hate them, though and I hope I can make them come around in the end even in your eyes!
> 
> Steffi <3 what can I say? I can never thank you enough for all the time you put into beta read. And thank you for your encouraging words during this chapter when I doubte myself <3 <3 
> 
> I think this chapter is a little lighter and I think that Isak takes a few steps in the right direction. He talks to people, meets a new friend, reunite with other important people in his life and grows stronger!

As soon as Even leaves Isak deflates. There is a long queue of people in the line and they have all watched the scene unfold in front of them. Isak takes a deep breath and prepares to help the next person in front of him but just as he is about to open is mouth and apologise to her his co-worker squeezes his shoulder.

“Why don’t I take over here and you can finish unpacking?” he suggests calmly with a kind smile.

Isak had gotten this job only a few weeks earlier after two weeks of desperately searching. He had come across it randomly on his way home from Mahdi one afternoon when he had found a sign that they were hiring. He had applied the next day without much hope to actually get it, but they must have been desperate because Isak had started his introduction only a few days later. He is still new to all of this and he is a lot slower than all the other cashiers but it pays okay and Isak can’t really complain over the hours either. His boss is the complete opposite of Reine and Isak always feels tense around him but it is a job and Isak is grateful for the occupation in more ways than one.

He is basically the new kid and he still doesn’t know the name of all his co-workers, but he is pretty sure this is the first time he had worked with this man. They haven’t even met in the dressing room and Isak hasn’t had the time to introduce himself. The name tag says Eskild.

“Okay,” Isak manages shakily and swiftly makes room for Eskild and hurries away from the till.

He immediately runs for the bathroom and inside he sinks down on the toilet seat. He was doing so good. Finally starting to get back on his feet and accepting that it would never be them again and then Even had to ruin everything by showing up with that stupid line that destroyed Isak’s heart. The texts Even had sent a few weeks ago were enough to break Isak but apparently that wasn’t enough. Apparently Even just had to show up to Isak’s new work place as if it was destiny. Had to make that comment as if it was all a joke. It feels like such a cruel destiny. Even had been so beautiful, a little worn down maybe and a little tired probably but no worse than Isak felt. His weak and shaky smile had set something off in Isak’s chest a fire burning with longing and desire for something he couldn’t have.

A few tears trickle down his cheeks but he wipes them away quickly. He is not going to allow himself to cry right now. He can’t allow himself to crumble again.

Everything had been such a mess after he had lost his job at the restaurant. The one stable place in his life had been taken away from him and he had once again withdrawn from everything and everyone. The only real difference was that both Mahdi and Sana were present. He had pushed them away as well because he didn’t want to burden them when they had done enough already. They had both made attempts to make him leave his apartment and he had allowed them two on a few occasions just so that they would stop nagging. Now that he had a new job they both had backed off a little bit. His birthday had passed with little fuss but he and Sana had gone for a coffee in the morning and then Mahdi had bought if a few beers to celebrate and the two of them had gone out to eat burgers. It hadn’t been much but Isak hadn’t been in the mood to celebrate anyway.

He stays inside the bathroom for another five minutes until he feels calm enough to go back outside again. He washes his face in cold water before he opens the door again and gets ready to finish the shift.

Three hours later they have closed the store and it’s only him and Eskild left. Isak slowly changes into his regular clothes as Eskild walks into the changing room. Isak can feel the other man study him.

“Are you okay?” Eskild asks gently.

Isak nods firmly.

“Yeah, thanks though! For what you did,” he sighs.

“No worries. You are new here, right? I just got home from Mallorca actually so this is my first shift in a while. I don’t think we have been introduced to each other.” Eskild says and takes a step closer. “I’m Eskild!”

“Isak!” Isak says and shakes Eskild’s hand.

Eskild sits down next to him.

“Are you sure you are alright?” he repeats and studies Isak’s face carefully.

Isak shrugs.

“I’m okay. I just didn’t expect to see him, I guess!”

“An ex?” Eskild says.

Isak only nods and runs a hand under his nose.

“I know how much that sucks,” Eskild says.”But don’t let him make you cry. You are worth better than that!”

“Thanks!” Isak whispers.

“Let’s finish everything up and then I can give you a ride home,” Eskild says. “You work tomorrow too, right?”

Isak nods.

“I do,” he says. “But you don’t have to give me a ride, honestly. I can just take the tram!”

Eskild just shakes his head.

“No way I’m going to let you do that,” Eskild says. “It’s pouring outside and it is freezing. You will get wet and cold and I won’t be able to sleep because I will worry about you.”

Isak rolls his eyes.

“Okay,” he smiles. “If it is no trouble for you.”  

“No trouble at all, Isak” Eskild says. “I’ll even pick you up tomorrow morning if you want to. You and I are working together.”

-

He half expects Even to come back the next day and he spends the whole shift feeling tense and distracted. He and Eskild work well together it turns out, and Eskild keeps their conversation going, not minding that Isak is a bit distracted and Isak feels grateful for the other man’s presence.

“So what are you doing when you don’t work here?” Eskild asks curiously. “Because you don’t seem like that kind of person who would work full time at a grocery store. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I do at the moment for instance.”

“I go to uni,” Isak answers. “I’m going to be a doctor. But uh I also need to work and stuff and the restaurant I used to work at had to close so...”

Eskild nods.

“...and now you are here,” he finishes as if he has noticed Isak’s hesitation. “Well, I’m glad to have someone new to talk to actually and you seem like a nice guy.”

They spend the rest of the shift with Eskild basically telling Isak everything there is to know that the others have not already told him.

“It’s not the best job in the world but certainly not the worst. The pay is usually better than in restaurants and the hours are okay. Anders can come off as pretty harsh but he is just a serious man and he is usually flexible with your schedule once you have proven that you are loyal and reliable. He just doesn’t like it when you come in late or make a fuss over things.” Eskild says and at Isak’s slightly panicky expression he just laughs.

“You will do fine! You’ve already endured the new kid phase and all, which is probably the worst. In a few weeks time you will be a pro and if you ever need to you can always ask me anything.”

“Thanks, Eskild!” Isak smiles. “I’ll definitely come to you for advice.”

“Well I should hope so,” Eskild says seriously. “I see it as my calling to help all the new people who start here.”

By the time Isak gets home in the afternoon he is exhausted and collapses on the couch almost immediately. He plans to stay there the whole night.  

He had not been able to fall asleep once he got home the night before and he had spent hours staring at the texts Even had sent him and looked through all the pictures of the two of them still on Isak’s phone.

He misses Even. He misses Even so much and he is so tired of feeling like this. He wants it to stop hurting and he wants to be able to breathe properly again. It feels like he has not breathed since it happened and even now it only takes one encounter with Even for everything to crumble again.

 **Do you want to**  
**do something tonight?**  
**We could play Fifa or**  
**something?**

He ignores Mahdi’s text. He knows he shouldn’t but he is not in the mood to hang out with anyone. Deep inside he knows that it will only make Mahdi worry about him but he just can’t bring himself to care. Today has been a mess and he just wants to sleep. He is off work for two days and he is just going to spend his time in his apartment hiding away from everyone else.

-

“Isak? Can you please talk to me? This is not healthy. You are not coping and I understand that you are heartbroken but at least tell me what I can do to help”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Isak says stubbornly. “I want to move on!”

It’s been another week and Isak has done his best to ignore Mahdi’s concerned texts and made excuses for why he can’t see the other man. He feels stupid and embarrassed by how little it took to set him back to square one but here he is, a week after his 2 minute encounter with Even, and he still struggles to not think about the other man. He has struggled with falling asleep again and with eating during the days. He is left with constant nausea and tightness in his chest that just won’t go away. The last thing he wants is putting up a strong face in front of Mahdi or Sana. They will see right through him anyway and when they do they will worry about him and if they worry about him they will make him talk. He doesn’t want to talk about Even anymore. Everytime he does it just hurts so much. He just wants to forget and move on.

Mahdi is having none of that and now he has even showed up at Isak’s apartment unannounced, with a bag of take away thai food for them to eat.

“I get that you want to move on but it doesn’t seem healthy to just isolate yourself. I’m your friend and I want to be there for you. Especially after what you told me.”

Isak swears underneath his breath. He should never have told Mahdi about all that stupid shit that had just slipped out of his mouth during his weakest moments. It has only made Mahdi feel guilty for not being a good friend when it’s Isak who is constantly pushing people away.

“Have you talked to Jonas?” Mahdi continues.

“No,” Isak says. “I’m not going to do that either so can you stop asking about it?”

Mahdi sighes tiredly.

“Why not?” he asks. “He is your best friend. He is worried about you and it makes him feel helpless when you are not talking to him.”

“I don’t want to ruin all his fun and make him feel guilty,” Isak says stubbornly.

“That’s not how things work,” Mahdi says. “You know that! He is more frustrated that you are hiding things from him. He is not stupid. He can tell that things are going on. Even Magnus can do that.”

“Don’t you dare tell them anything about this,” Isak says warningly. “They don’t need to know about this.”

-

Even may not show up at the store again but a few days after his encounter with Even Mutta shows up with a shy smile and an apologetic look on his face. They are near closing and he and his co-worker Line are the only ones left. Mutta is only carrying some milk in his arms and a bag of apples and as he approaches Isak at the check out he looks nervous.

“Hi!” he says and puts down the two items in front of him for Isak to scan.

“Hey,” Isak answers. “Did Even tell you I work here?”

Mutta nods.

“Yeah, he said that he ran into you the other day. I live close by. I’m not sure that you remember?”

Isak nods. He does remember. He remembers when he had gotten to know Even’s friends and had been ectatic to be invited to just hang out with Adam and Mutta. It feels like a lifetime ago.

“Look, I didn’t even come here to see you on purpose but I just wanted to tell you that I’m really sorry for what happened between you two.” Mutta says. “You are obviously a great person and you made Even really happy. I know he misses you so much every day. And if you ever need to talk to someone I’m here for you okay? I know I’m Even’s friend but I care about you and if you need to I’m here for you to talk to.

Isak doesn’t know what to say and the words feel stuck in his throat together with a thick lump.

“Uh, thanks,” he says finally.

 “You take care of yourself, Isak!” Mutta says.

With that Mutta leaves and Isak is left staring at the other man’s back.

-

Mahdi continues to push and Isak continues to make excuses. He works as much as Anders allows him. In between his shift he doesn’t do much but occasionally he lets Mahdi drag him outside or has a coffee with Sana just to get them off his back. He allows them to talk to him about everyday stuff but as soon as either one of them tries to make him open up to them he shuts them out. During the weekends where doesn’t work he goes out with Nils and Alfred or sometimes Mahdi. He prefers the former two though, because Mahdi will just try to monitor him and make sure he doesn’t drink too much. Nils and Alfred are just happy if Isak takes another shot with them or brings weed to the pre party.

It’s almost as if he is back to the way he was in high school when he used weed and alcohol as a way of coping with everything that was going on in his life. He hasn’t used much weed since then, especially not after he learned that weed made the risk of psychosis much bigger. Right now he doesn’t care. His mother has never smoked weed in her life and she still got Schizophrenia.

So rather than staying at home in his empty apartment he goes out at night. He drinks and smokes weed until his heart doesn’t long for Even anymore. He replaces dark and quiet nights when he can’t sleep anyway with nights when he drinks his pain away. He hooks up with different guys and even goes home with a few of them. None of them are Even though. None of them are as caring and loving as Even is, but Isak still follows them home and he still sleeps with them despite not remembering their names in the morning when he shamefully crawls out of their bed and walks out the door. He never stays for breakfast, never allows himself to care. It’s just meant to fill the emptiness in his chest anyway. Ironically he feels just as empty the next day. And the next. And the next.

-

Isak’s head pounds painfully as he wakes up to banging on his door. For a terrified moment he is scared that he has overslept and that he is supposed to be at work or something but when he looks at the time and day on his phone he realises it’s only 9 am and he has the day off. He makes his way out of bed and grabs a t-shirt from the floor which he pulls over his head as he makes his way to the door.

His heart freezes in his chest as he opens the door. Outside in the narrow hallway is Mahdi and just a step behind him is Jonas. He is standing with a suitcase by his feet a backpack slung over his shoulder. He looks tired but he smiles gingerly as he spots Isak.

“Hi,” he says carefully.

“Why are you here?” Isak asks in disbelief and looks from Jonas to Mahdi.

They both look at each other but before either of them can answer Isak opens his mouth again.

“You said you wouldn’t tell him! You promised!”

He gives Mahdi a harsh look and Madhi gives an apologetic smile. Isak feels betrayed. He had trusted Mahdi to keep everything a secret until things were better.

“Can we at least come in?” Jonas says calmly.

Isak lets them in tiredly. The place is a mess as usual and he just moves a pile of stuff from the sofa and puts it on the nightstand to make room for his two friends to sit. Then he turns back to Mahdi.

“I was doing okay!” he accuses. “I am okay.”

“You weren’t coping,” Mahdi says. “You just traded one unhealthy thing for another. Drinking and smoking weed is not coping. Lying in bed all day when you are not at work is not coping. Drowning yourself in work is not coping! You are not dealing with anything. You are just like you were in high school when you shut us out and I couldn’t watch you waste away. Not again!”

“Isak,” Jonas says. “Talk to us!”

Isak looks at his best friend as he fights the tears. He can’t believe Jonas is actually here. In his apartment. Keeping up a facade in front of Jonas is so much harder than anyone else. It is impossible. He can do it on skype or on texts but not like this. Not face to face. Jonas knows him too well and his presence always makes Isak vulnerable.

“Please just go,” Isak pleads looking into the ground. “You shouldn’t have come home for me. You were supposed to stay until the end of summer.”

“I was but then my best friend needed me so I came home,” Jonas replies.

“I’m fine,” Isak lies.

“You are not fine,” Jonas says calmly. “I know you. _We_ know you and you are not fine. I don’t know what is going on because Mahdi just told me you needed me and that things were bad but he hasn’t told me anything else. I promise.”

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Isak says.

“Why not?” Jonas asks.

“It just hurts too much. I want to be over it but it just hurts and I don’t want to talk about it and I just want to move on but I can’t because people won’t stop bothering me and…”

Isak is rambling and gasping for air by the time he is finished.

“I’m going to leave the two of you alone,” Mahdi says unsurely and Jonas nods.

“We’ll be fine. Thank you for picking me up from the airport, bro!”

Isak is aware of Mahdi leaving and the door shutting behind him. Jonas looks around the room and puts down his bag on the floor.

“Can’t we talk?” he begs.

Isak shakes his head firmly and wraps his arms around himself.

“Please?” Jonas says and now his otherwise so calm voice is bordering on desperate.

“I don’t think I can,” Isak says weakly. “It just hurts too much.”

“I know that but unless you tell me what is going on I can’t help you and I’m really worried about you. You’ve lost so much weight since I last saw you and I know that you are not sleeping either, Mahdi told me that but he wouldn’t tell me anything else. Just that you needed me and he had no idea how to help you.”

“I’ll just make you sad,” Isak mumbles. “If I tell you it will just make you sad because I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“It makes me more sad that you won’t talk to me now,” Jonas says. “It makes me more sad that you don’t feel like you can talk to me anymore.”

Isak sinks down on the sofa and Jonas sits down next to him and leans against the armrest, as he draws his knees to his chest.

“Talk to me!” Jonas pleads. “I hate seeing you like this and I feel completely helpless watching you suffer in silence!”

Isak looks at his best friend and finds Jonas’ eyes sad and wet with tears. Isak can’t remember Jonas ever looking at him like this. Not even when Isak called him after his dad had left and his mother had had a mental breakdown. Jonas looks desperate and Isak knows he won’t give up now. Jonas can be just as stubborn as Isak.

Isak manages to tell Jonas everything that’s been going on in his life for the past six months in a relatively calm manner. He tells Jonas how he met Even at the restaurant and how he instantly fell for the tall and handsome man. Jonas listens in silence as Isak talks about him and Even falling in love and kept it a secret at first. How Isak had met Even’s friends and then learned about Ellie. Isak is calm as he shamefully tells Jonas that he has caved in and told Magnus and Mahdi before telling him. He remains calm as he tells him about Ellie’s reaction to finding out and the tension between him and her and how insecure it had made him. Once he reaches the break-up there is no way to hold back tears and they spill over and travel down his cheeks.

Jonas doesn’t say anything for the whole time but as Isak’s voice dies down and he hides his head in his hands he can feel Jonas shuffle around on the couch until he is sitting right in front of Isak. Jonas slowly wraps his arms around Isak’s stiff back and Isak sinks into Jonas’ safe arms. It takes some time for him to calm down but eventually the tears are gone and the sobs have died down. Only then does Jonas let go.

“I wish you would have told me,” Jonas says. “I could have been there for you and I would have loved to hear about you being in relationship.”

“I’m sorry,” Isak says. “I know I should have told you earlier. I was just scared. Things weren’t the same and I knew it was my fault. Then I was just scared that you would find it weird that he was so much older than me and you wouldn’t be supportive which makes me feel like an asshole because you are the most supporting friend I know. I just got scared I guess.”

“Of course I would be happy for you,” Jonas says. “We all would be!”

“It didn’t work out anyway,” Isak says sadly and hides his face in his hands again. “He broke up with me so…”

“I’m so sorry,” Jonas says. “You know it’s not your fault, right?”

Isak just shrugs.

“I try to be okay,” he whispers. “I just don’t know how because no matter what I do it still hurts and I can’t get over it. It hurts to breathe and I can’t sleep and I feel sick all the time and I miss him so much. He broke my heart but I still miss him and I don’t know how to get over him.”

“You need to let it take time,” Jonas says. “It’s not going to go away magically but it will get better every day. I promise you that. You just need to allow yourself to be sad for however long you need. I know it sucks but that is the only way.”

“I saw him not long ago. He came over to the store and suddenly he was just standing in front of me and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was doing better by then but all it took was him walking in there and I was a mess again.”

“Is that why you’ve been going out drinking and smoking weed all the time?” Jonas asks.

Isak nods.

“Yes. Or that’s not the only reason. At first I was just lying on my bed and not doing anything and then I studied for the exam non-stop to try to distract myself but then uni was over and I lost my job and I didn’t have anything to distract me, and Mahdi was noticing and he wouldn’t leave me alone so now I’m just trying to forget. I know it’s stupid but I don’t know how else to deal with this.”

“It’s not stupid, Isak,” Jonas says. “But it’s not healthy in the long run and it can’t keep going. And if talking to us is not enough maybe you need some help from someone who knows what they are doing because to me it feels like it’s more than just Even and the break-up?”

Isak knows that everything Jonas is saying is right. Even breaking up with him is only the tip of the iceberg. He has been messed up for a long time before Even and has dealt with insomnia and anxiousness for as long as he can remember. He has never had the courage to get help and being with Even had helped and made him forget. Now he’s just back to the messed up person he used to be.

“I’m not sure I could do that though,” Isak says. “I’m not strong enough!”

Jonas places a hand on Isak’s arm.

“You are strong enough, Isak” Jonas promises. “And you have your friends so you are not alone in this. We’ll always be here for you and you can always talk to us and maybe some time you’ll be ready to talk to someone else. I think it would be good for you but I don’t want to pressure you or anything! I just want you back on your feet and healthy again.”

“Me too,” Isak mumbles.

Jonas nods encouragingly.

“Are you hungry?” he asks. “You could definitely eat something and I am starving.”

The two of them spend the rest of the day together just hanging out. They go out for breakfast together and later during the day Mahdi joins them and the three of them buy pizza, play Fifa and even manage to squeeze in a Skype call with Magnus. All in all it feels like the best night in a long time.

-

He goes to see his mom. For the first time in ages he goes to see her but his talk with Jonas has made him see things more clearly, and going to visit her doesn’t seem that daunting but something he really wants to do. His heart is beating like crazy in his chest as he rings the doorbell and waits for her to open the door. What if she is not at home? What if she is not capable of recognising him? what if this is a bad day? What if after being rejected by him all this time she has decided it isn’t worth it? What if she doesn’t want him? What if she asks him to leave?

The door opens and suddenly Isak is standing face to face with his mom. She looks surprised and stands frozen in the doorway for a few seconds. Then her face lights up in a warm smile. Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail and she looks freshly showered with clean clothes on. There are no signs of piles of trash in the hallway behind her and overall she looks present.

“Isak, hi!” she smiles. “I didn’t expect you to come by!

“Hey!” Isak answers nervously. “Can I come in? Maybe now is not a good time. I should have called you beforehand…”

His mother steps aside.

“I always have time for you, sweetheart,” she says. “What a lovely surprise!”

Isak steps inside and is immediately hit with the scent of home. He looks over at his mother who is standing next to him watching him tearfully. Neither of them find the right words to say at first and the silence feels deafening. His mother is standing right in front of him, a smile on her face, and all Isak can feel is guilt. Guilt that threatens to eat him alive.

“I’m so sorry mom,” he says. “I’m sorry for abandoning you and I’m sorry for never answering my phone and I’m sorry for being a bad son. I should never have left you and I should come see you more often and I shouldn’t leave you to deal with everything on your own. I’m just like he is.”

“Hey...sch…” his mother hushes gently and immediately wraps her arms around him and presses kisses to his hair. “You don’t have to apologise for anything, sweetie. You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“Dad wants to put you in a group home,” Isak mumbles into her chest. “I’m not going to let that happen to you. I’m not going to let him do anything to you that you don’t want.”

“I know, sweetie,” his mother says gently. “Don’t worry about me! He can’t make those decisions for me and I’m happy here. I can take care of myself with some help and support. It’s not always easy but you don’t have to worry about me, Isak. It’s not your job.”

“I abandoned you though,” Isak mumbled. “I should have stayed but I didn’t and I’m so sorry for that.”

His mother grasps his hand.

“I’m sorry too,” she whispers. “For everything. For not getting help sooner.”

“You were sick…” Isak protests. “You didn’t know…you did your best...”

“...and so did you, love,” his mother smiles. “You stayed with me and you took care of me for a long time even when I didn’t make things easy for you. I know how bad things got for you and I know how hard you tried but I didn’t let you help. I don’t blame you for leaving.”

They end up having a coffee on the couch and his mother asks him all about his studies and his new job. He tells her about his newfound friend in Eskild. He tells her about Jonas in California and Sana who has become an aunt. She tells him how proud she is of him. How happy she is that she has such a smart and ambitious son.

“Do you ever talk to Lea?” he asks suddenly.

All the their talk about Sana has made him remember that he has two nephews. He can’t even remember their names and if it wasn’t for his mother or his facebook stalking he wouldn’t even know they existed in the first place. Lea has never told him. He wonders if he is the only person she has turned her back on.

His mother smiles.

“Not very often, love, but she sent me these pictures recently.” she stands up from the couch and walks over to the set of drawers and opens the top drawer.  

She sits down next to him and shows him the pictures in her hands. The first one is of two children both wrapped up in a fluffy towel at the beach. They are holding huge pieces of watermelon in their tiny hands. The next two pictures are of Lea and the same two kids in front of a house. The final pictures include, what must be Lea’s husband or the father of her children. They are all smiling happily, all dressed up nicely, all living a happy family life. Isak’s heart clenches painfully.  

“This is Aiden and Samuel,” his mother explains and points at the two children. “They are four and two years old by now.”

Isak forces a smile on his face even if these pictures only make his chest ache more. He wants to ask his mother if she feels angry too. If she feels the abandonment just as much as he does.  His mother looks happy as she looks at the picture though and there is no sign of resentment.

“When things are bad I look at pictures of you and Lea. It makes me happy and it distracts me from all the bad thoughts. I look at the pictures and I listen to music and remember all the good things,” she says with a smile.  

“I want to tell you something, mom,” Isak whispers.

“Okay, you can tell me anything,” his mom says quietly.

“You know when I told you I’m gay?” Isak asks and looks at his mother with wet eyes.

His mother nods silently.

“Are you still okay with that?” he asks.

He feels terrified as he waits for her reaction but then she smiles again and he feels warm inside.

“Isak, sweetie. I love you no matter who you love and I will always love you for who you are! That’s never going to change.” she says.

A tear makes its way down Isak’s cheek.

“Come here!” his mother says and wraps her arms around him once more. “I love you,” she whispers and kisses his hair again.

Later, Isak is curled up on the couch with his head in his mother’s lap. He can’t remember when he last lay like this. His mother’s fingers are soft as they play with his hair and he closes his eyes and focuses on her scent.

“Mom,” he whispers. “There is this boy I love. We used to be together. He is so lovely and I know you would love him. I know you would. He is amazing, and compassionate in every way. He makes me feel happy and safe.”

“That does sound lovely, sweetie,” his mother says calmly and he can almost see her smile even through his closed eyes.

“We are not together anymore though,” Isak whispers. “It’s over between us and everything hurts so much.”

He presses his eyes tightly shut as the tears well up.

“I miss him,” he cries. “I miss him so much!”

“It’s okay,” his mother says gently and pats his back.

Later Isak falls asleep with his head in his mother’s lap.

-

It feels like Isak is breathing fresh air after his talk with his mom and the visit from Jonas. It’s still hard and he still misses Even with all his heart but now that he has allowed himself to talk about it more it feels like he is not on the verge of breaking every single day. For the first time it feels like he is actually dealing with stuff.  Jonas has gone back to California again for the rest of the summer but he will be back soon and Isak and him have had plenty of time to talk and Isak has promised to be more open with his feelings.

He’s also gotten pretty close with Eskild since the two of them started working together. Eskild is always easy to get along with, and even if he has a tendency to look at Isak as his adopted child, Isak knows that the other man cares about him. They have spent a lot of time talking and Isak has found himself open up to Eskild about a lot of things. They have talked about everything from  Isak’s mom to struggling to come out of the closet. Sometimes Isak finds himself wondering what would have happened if he had met Eskild earlier in his life. A sixteen-year-old Isak struggling to cope with his crush on his best friend as well as taking care of his sick mother could have used some support.

Most recently Isak has been more open about his relationship with Even to his co-worker and Eskild has been a good listener so far.

“Break-ups always suck, Especially when you are the person getting broken up with or you are still in love with the person but it will pass.”

“It doesn’t feel like it will though,” Isak comments. “ I’m trying but sometimes it feels like I’m barely hanging in there.. I’m just waiting for the next blow that will send me back to square one.”

Eskild nods understandingly.

“I know but trust me even if there are setbacks you will move forward with each one of them. It might not feel like it but to me it feels like you have already taken several steps in the right direction since I first met you. You are more open with your feelings and it looks like you are sleeping better and you’ve gained some weight. You shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve made so much progress in the short time I’ve known you and it might be silly of be to say that but it makes me really proud of you!”

“Thank you, Eskild,” Isak says with a small smile.

-

It’s a late Saturday night and Isak is on his way home. He’s just been out for a couple of beers with Eskild. It’s a beautiful late summer night and downtown Oslo is buzzing with life. A lot of young people are out, taking the opportunity to party before the schools and uni start again.

As he sits on the bench at the bus stop waiting for his bus to arrive he notices a girl standing about 20 meters away. The girl is clearly drunk and she is leaning heavily against a wall and looks like she is about to throw up. For a second he contemplates just ignoring her and put on some music on his phone but there is something that doesn’t feel completely right. As he stands up and starts walking closer he realises that the girl is someone he knows. Someone he hadn’t expected to see again. The girl currently leaning against a wall for support half bent over about to empty her stomach on the asphalt, is Ellie. She is dressed in a thin summer dress and it looks way too cold. Before he can change his mind, Isak hurries his steps towards her.

“Ellie?” Isak says  “What’s going on?”

“I’m fine,” Ellie says, voice a bit slurred but once she notices who he is she stands up taller and runs a hand through her long hair.

“What the hell are you doing here?” she says. “Just go away.”

He honestly just wants to go back to the bus stop and catch a bus home because he is tired after having worked during the day before meeting Eskild but he can’t just leave Ellie here either. If something happened to her he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. He also remembers being like this once with noone to look out for him or make sure he got home safely.

“Does your dad know you are out tonight?” he asks.

“Why do you care? I’m fine!” she says. “Just stop bothering me.”

“Are you on your way home?” Isak asks tiredly. “I could call Even and have him come and get you. Does he know where you are?”

Ellie rolls her eyes sarcastically.

“As if I’d tell him,” she mutters.

Isak grits his teeth but forces himself to remain calm.

“So where are you going?” he asks.

Ellie leans forward again and Isak mentally prepares himself in case she is going to throw up.

“I don’t know. Anywhere. It doesn’t matter.”

“I’m going to call Even,” Isak sighs.

He doesn’t want to and he dreads seeing Even again but what else can he do? He can’t just leave Ellie here either. Anything could happen to her.

“ No,” she half shouts. “Please don’t call him!”

Isak takes a deep breath.

“I don’t know what else I can do! He is going to worry about you!”

Ellie shakes his head.

“He won’t. He thinks I’m staying at a friend’s.”

“And where is your friend?”

Ellie shrugs.

“I don’t know,” she mumbles. “Probably having sex with her boyfriend somewhere. I haven’t seen her all night.”

“But you had agreed on you staying with her?”  Isak tries.

Ellie shrugs again and Isak can feel his frustration grow.

“I’ll take you home to my place,” Isak says. “You can sleep on the couch or something.”

Ellie shakes her head.

“I’m not going with you!” she says firmly. “You are the last person I want to go with! Just leave me alone.”

“Well you can either go with me or I’ll call Even straight away!” Isak says.

“Fine!” Ellie says and sways as she takes a step from the wall and when Isak reaches out to steady her she whips her arm away.

By a miracle he manages to get her to the bus and back home without her throwing up, but as soon as they arrive home and he leads her to the bathroom she falls to her knees in front of the toilet. He finds a hair tie in her bag that he ties her hair back with before leaving her alone. He has no idea what to do now. This was not the night he had set out for but here he is with his ex’s daughter laying sprawled on his bathroom floor hugging the toilet. His ex’s daughter who hates his guts. While he waits for her to finish throwing up Isak makes the bed ready for her. He is not going to be able to sleep anyway so he might as well give her the bed. She probably needs sleep more than he does.

Ten minutes later Ellie is done in the bathroom and Isak guides her towards the bed.

“Do you want to borrow a t-shirt or something?” he asks.

She shakes her head and looks around in the room with big eyes. This must be just as awkward for her as it is for him.

“I made the bed for you,” Isak mumbles. “You can just go to sleep if you want to. I’d take a painkiller though and drink some water if you are not too nauseous.”

Ellie just nods silently.

When he steps out of the bathroom five minutes later Ellie is already fast asleep on the bed. He sinks down on the couch and wraps a blanket around his body. It’s a small couch and it’s definitely not made for sleeping on so he curls up on it the best he can and tries to sleep. He manages to doze off from time to time but when he wakes up at 8 am he still feels exhausted. He sits up and looks over to the bed. Ellie is still sleeping. She reeks of alcohol despite her shower and there is a small hint of vomit mixed with her perfume and the smell of alcohol which makes Isak feel slightly sick himself.

He looks over at her sleeping for one more time before he grabs his phone and steps into the hallway.

-

Ellie wakes up half an hour later and she sits up in the bed with a groan. She looks around the room with a confused look and once she spots Isak staring at her she groans again.

“Good morning,” Isak says tight lipped and rubs his eyes tiredly.

“Uh, hi!” she mutters awkwardly. “Did you call dad?”

Isak doesn’t have time to answer before she opens her mouth to continue.

“Please don’t. He will be really mad,” she says.

Isak shakes his head.

“He won’t be mad,” he says calmly. “I promise you that!”

Ellie snorts.

“Do you think you calling him, doing the right thing will make him fall for you again or take you back? Do you think it will make him change his mind?” she says, but her voice lacks edge and she mostly sounds small, tired and scared.

Isak shakes his head.

“No. I think that no matter what I do he will choose you. He loves you more than anything and he will put you before everything else,” Isak says. “You are so lucky to have him.”

Ellie rolls her eyes dramatically.

“I know that,” she says. “I know how great he is!”

Isak shakes his head in frustration. He gets that she is scared but she is so lucky to have a parent like Even. A parent that cares about where she is during the night, a parent that can get angry if she comes home drunk.

“My dad chose his new wife and a new life with her and left me at 16 with my unstable mother. He didn’t look back once, not even when I cried and begged him to stay. He didn’t care if I stumbled in drunk or didn’t make it home at night because he wasn’t there. So you should be happy that you have your dad. He cares about you and if he gets mad it is because he loves you so much. He’s amazing and you should just be grateful that you have someone like that in your life. Don’t take it for granted.”

He doesn’t know what makes him tell her all of this because few people know and he never thought Ellie would be one of those few.

“Oh! I’m sorry.” Ellie says shamefully. “I didn’t know that. “Why are you doing this then? ”

When their eyes meet she actually looks sincere.

Isak smiles tiredly.

“I care about your dad and I’ll always want him to be happy and I’ll always want what’s best for him. I don’t want something bad to happen to you and I care about you too, even if you hate me,” he sighs.

Ellie looks down.

“I don’t really hate you,” she mumbles quietly. “I really don’t!”

Isak rolls his eyes.

“I find that very hard to believe.” he mutters. “Anyway, I called your dad half an hour ago and he will be here any minute.”

Just as he is about to leave the living room to go to the bathroom there is a firm knock on the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think :) it would mean a lot to me! 
> 
> So Isak takes a few steps in the right direction, don't you think? I feel proud of him at least! He sort of hits another rock bottom but because his friends are persistent and adamant to stay by his side and not let him push him away he is forced to open up in the end. Jonas coming home is a major part in that because Isak had not realised just how much he needed him. Did you like Jonas coming home? Was it a good thing that Mahdi didn't listen to Isak? I also wanted to include Marianne because at this point she is in a good place and is able to be there for her son. It is important for ISak to realise that he can rely on her even if she sometimes is unstable. He just needed his mom and she was there for him just like any mom would! 
> 
> Then there is Eskild of course! Many of you guessed right but those who thought it might be a new love interest I'm sorry if I disappointed you. Eskild is a guru only :) But he is also the best guru and he has already adopted Isak :) By the end of this chapter Isak is in a pretty good place again. He is still not perfect but he is getting there and he now allows himself to fully lean on others for support. 
> 
> He runs into Ellie and decides to help her. It is the right thing to do because she is in a vulnerable place. She might have been awful to him at times he still has a heart and a conscience and she is still Even's daughter. So he takes her home and lets her sleep on his bed and in the morning he calls Even despite her not wanting him to. What do you think this will mean for them? I understand if some of you will be even more angry with Ellie after this but I'm not even trying to at this point ;) i almost made changes to that scene because some of you are already so angry at her but my lovely beta Steffi told me yo go with what I wanted and had planned. And if some people are upset it's not the end of the world. You have the right to! Back to the point, for me this is an important turning point for Ellie and Isak (or the beginning of one) She learns that they have more in common than they think and Isak is doing what no one else did for him. He is looking after her when she is drunk and feels lonely. He opens up to her and she feels guilty for drawing conclusions about him.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter :) 
> 
> Glad midsommar!


	18. I need someone too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I can't believe I'm posting chapter 18 of this story. It's been such an amazing ride so far and ypu have truly spoiled be with your amazing feedback. I never imagined I could reach 600 kudos and I never ever expected that many reviews. They all mean so much too me and I love reading all of them and hearing your opinions! Thank you for taking so much time reading and leaving your feedback <3 <3 I appreciate it so much! 
> 
> As always Steffi you are the best beta ever and without you I don't think this story would be as good <3 
> 
> I'm nervous about this chapter because I've tried to take some of your feelings into consideration and I'm scared I'll let you down. I hope I won't and I'll keep my fingers crossed you will like it :)

Even has no idea what to expect as he waits for Isak to open the door. Is Isak going to be angry? How is he going to treat Even, with the same coldness and indifference he had in the grocery store? And what about Ellie? When Isak called him earlier the last thing he had expected it to be about was Ellie. Apparently Isak had found her drunk and alone in the middle of the night and had decided to take her home. Even feels confused. Ellie was supposed to be with her friends and have a sleepover. Not getting drunk. He thought they were past all the lies and hiding but now it becomes clear they are not. 

Mostly he feels angry and upset with her for lying to him and getting so drunk that Isak of all people felt the need to take care of her. Another part of him feels angry with Isak for not calling him as soon as he found Ellie but he knows it is unreasonable of him to feel like that so he swallows down his anger. This must be Isak’s worst nightmare being face to face with Ellie and being forced to take care of her and then call Even to ask him to pick her up. 

Isak had sounded so tired on the phone. Tired and to the point, just stating that Ellie was at his place and that he needed to pick her up. Even doesn’t feel prepared as he hears the lock being turned, and when seconds later he is faced with Isak, he feels the familiar but painful tug in his heart. Isak looks at him awkwardly before stepping aside to let Even inside. 

“Hey,” he mutters. “She went to the bathroom again. I think she is pretty hungover so…”

Even nods as he contemplates if he should take off his shoes or just wait for Ellie by the front door. He doesn’t want to intrude because he knows that Isak would never have invited him or even contacted him if it wasn’t for this specific situation. It feels ironic that Ellie is the reason he is back at this place. It looks just as it did last time he was here. The walls are just as sparse but for some reason the apartment feels even more cold and empty than before. 

In front of him Isak leans against the wall and crosses his arms over his chest. It’s a clear signal for Even to not take off his shoes. Isak is making it pretty clear that Even is not welcome anymore. Not to this apartment and not in Isak’s life. 

“What happened?” Even asks clearing his throat and trying to make it sound steady. 

“I found her nearby the bus stop. She was really drunk and I couldn’t really leave her there so I decided to take her home. She didn’t want me to call you and she was too drunk to be left alone and she wasn’t with any friends.” Isak says and shrugs. 

“Okay,” Even says awkwardly. “Thank you I guess. For looking after her.” 

Isak shrugs again. 

“I know it can’t have been easy for you,” Even continues. “So I really appreciate it, you know.” 

Isak doesn’t answer and Even feels like crying. He can’t stand the coldness that Isak is projecting. As he studies the other man he realises that Isak looks a bit better from the last time Even saw him. He might look tired right now but not bonelessly exhausted, and his face is not as gaunt. It makes him happy and relieved to see that Isak is doing better but his chest still aches. 

“You look better,” Even says. “Than last time I saw you.”

“I don’t want to talk about us, Even,” Isak says sharply. “I called you to come and pick up Ellie. That’s all. I did it because it was the right thing to do but I honestly don’t want to talk to you.” 

Even nods defeatedly and he can feel himself tear up. 

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I just. I still miss you so much and I think about you all the time and I just need you to know that I still love you. I need you to know that you are important and you deserve love and happiness-” 

“Stop,” Isak interrupts. “Can you please just stop? It won’t change anything, right? You can tell me over and over again that I deserve to be loved or that you miss me but it still doesn’t change the fact that you broke up with me. We are over and I’m not going to let you tear me open again.”

Even blinks and blinks and blinks. 

“That’s not what I’m trying to do, Isak,” he begs. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you again-”

“But that’s what you are doing,” Isak snaps. “I’m trying to get back on my feet after you broke me. These past months have been the worst of my life and I never want to feel that way again. I can’t afford to. I couldn’t function properly. All I did was lying in bed feeling empty. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I almost failed my exam because I couldn’t even study. If it wasn’t for all my friends I honestly don’t know what would have happened. That’s why I don’t want to listen to you and I don’t want to talk to you. It hurts. All the fucking time.” 

Even nods silently, head bowed in shame. Everything Isak is saying is true. This is his fault, and now he is just hurting Isak more by drawing him into his and Ellie’s messy life. Isak backs away even further as the door to the bathroom opens and Ellie steps outside. Her hair is a mess and she smells of alcohol and vomit. She barely even looks at him as she puts on her shoes and shoves her phone into her small handbag. 

“Are you ready to go?” Even asks. 

“Yeah,” she mutters. 

Isak looks at the two of them in silence from where he is standing. Arms still firmly crossed. 

“Look,” Even says and turns to Isak one final time. “I’m really sorry about all of this. I’m sorry you had to be dragged into this mess. I never meant to hurt you. I’m just...I’m really really sorry. About everything.”

Isak nods silently. 

Ellie is halfway through the door when she turns around and gives Isak an apologetic smile. 

“I- thank you,” she mumbles. “For letting me spend the night!”

Isak nods but doesn’t return the smile. 

“Thank you, Isak!” Even says once again. “Take care of yourself!” 

-

The car ride home is tense and neither of them say anything. Ellie looks out of the window the entire ride and by the way she is breathing Even can tell she is feeling nauseous. As soon as they reach their apartment Ellie runs to the bathroom and Even can’t help but flinch as he hears her retches behind the closed door. He sits down on the sofa trying to make sense of everything that is going on. He tries to prepare himself for the conversation he needs to have with Ellie and at the same time he tries to process everything Isak said to him. It isn’t anything new but hearing Isak’s own words makes everything even more real and painful. Hearing Isak himself tell Even how much he has destroyed the other boy makes the guilt inside him burn with new life and energy. 

From inside the bathroom he can hear Ellie flush the toilet and a minute later the shower is running. It’s probably a good thing to let her shower before they have a conversation, and Even decides to make some breakfast in the meantime. He hadn’t even had the chance to eat before Isak called. In fact he had only just woken up when Isak’s name appeared on the screen of his phone and for a second Even’s chest had leaped in his chest. 

Even makes himself a cup of coffee and pours some greek yogurt into a bowl that he tops with some granola. It’s all he has the motivation to eat at the moment and as he waits for Ellie to be done in the bathroom he moves to the sofa where he eats. 

Ten minutes later Ellie steps out of the bathroom, dressed in her bathrobe and head wrapped in a towel. Even if she looks a lot better than before she still looks worn out, and as she spots Even sitting in the sofa observing her she makes a dash for her bedroom. 

“Ellie,” Even says. “Come here!”

She sighs but turns around and walks towards the sofa. She sits down next to him and draws her knees to her chest. She doesn’t look at him and her fingers play with the hem of her robe. Even can feel the anger build inside him again and he presses two fingers to his his forehead and squeezes his eyes shut. 

“You are angry,” Ellie mutters in front of him and Even looks up. 

“Yeah, I am,” he says. “I’m fucking livid at you right now. What the hell Ellie? Lying and getting drunk? What the fuck is going on?” 

Ellie rolls her eyes. 

“You are overreacting,” she tries. 

“Overreacting? You are sixteen, Ellie. Sixteen! Why the hell did you lie to me about seeing Ida? Why were you out getting drunk in the first place? I don’t understand.”

“Why do you even care so much?” Ellie says loudly. “It’s not like I’m the only one drinking. Everyone is doing it!” 

“I don’t care about what others are doing. I care about what you are doing and right now I have no fucking clue what is going on with you. You lie, you act out, you do bad in school and now you are getting drunk too?” 

“It’s not a big deal. If Isak hadn’t found me you wouldn’t even have noticed okay? It’s not like you noticed before!”

“It is a big deal, Ellie and don’t bring Isak into this. He has nothing to do with this. This is about you and me. And how many times has this happened before?” 

Even is getting even more worked up as their conversation continues and he feels angry and stupid for not noticing that this is not the first time she’s been out getting drunk. 

“A few times but I don't understand why you care so much?” Ellie grimaces. “Everyone is doing it. I just drank a bit too much this time. It’s not too serious.” 

Even sighs and forces himself to take a couple of breaths to calm himself down again. Screaming at each other won’t help. 

“Of course I care. When Isak called me all I could think about was all the bad things that could have happened to you if he hadn’t come by. What if someone had tried to take advantage of you. Or tried to rob you? Or what if you had passed out somewhere? Who knows what would have happened?” 

“But nothing bad happened,” Ellie argues but her voice is suddenly softer. “I just drank a bit too much because I was upset.” 

Even nods slowly.

“What were you upset about?” he asks. 

She shakes her head.

“It’s stupid,” she says. “It doesn’t matter.”

“I think it does matter,” Even says. “It matters to me!” 

Ellie looks down and her cheeks heat up in shame. 

“I met a guy a few weeks ago,” she starts. “I thought he liked me, but it turns out that he doesn’t really care that much and yesterday I saw him hook up with another girl at a party. And Ida was busy with her boyfriend as usual so I just drank too much and then I kind of ran off.”

“Who is this guy?” Even asks gently.

“No one. A guy from school I got to know. His name is Wilmer. He was really nice at first but then he turned out to be an asshole who just wanted to sleep with me or something.” 

Even nods. It feels nice that she is finally being open and honest with him. 

“I’m sorry about that,” he says. “But he is not worth getting drunk over. No one is.”  

Ellie nods and a sad smile appears on her face. She leans against her own legs. 

“Yeah. I guess. Sometimes I just feel so lonely and I don’t know what to do,” she says. “Everything is just so messy at the moment. I’m a mess!” 

Even places a hand on her knee. 

“We’ll sort it out,” he says. 

-

“Are you sure you feel well enough to return to work?” 

Even is in his boss’s office and it’s his first day back. The whole summer has passed and it’s now the middle of August. He hasn’t been to work since before his manic episode other than to talk to her once, but now he is supposed to go back again. He feels ready and all the time spent at home has made him feel restless and he knows he won’t be able to spend another week at home. He has already been on leave for two weeks longer than planned but both him and his therapist have agreed that he is ready to start working again. 

“I am,” he answers. “I’m doing a lot better so I feel ready to return.”

His boss nods in front of him with a serious look on her face. 

“That’s good, Even,” she says. “You do look a lot better right now, but I don’t want you to stress too much again and I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything. If things get too much I need you to talk to me or someone else. It won’t make me think any less of you. You are great but your health is important.” 

Even nods slowly. 

It’s not going to be full time yet but he will come to the office every day and leave a bit earlier than his co-workers. He feels nervous about meeting them again. Most of them have not experienced one of his episodes and they don’t even know he has bipolar. After this they are bound to know. He had left a bit of a mess in the wake of his mania and he is pretty sure they have all gossiped about it. It makes him feel uncomfortable as he leaves his boss’s office and walks towards his own office. Even though they are all greeting him happily Even can sense that they are looking at him weirdly. As if it is not the same person that has returned to them. He is so fucking tired of feeling like that. 

In addition he feels more bored and uninspired than ever before. All his motivation is gone and he can’t come up with one thing he currently likes about his job. Everything just makes him feel dulled and bored even if it’s just been a week since he returned. 

-

**Can we talk?**

Even reads the text from Mikael during his lunch break **.** He has not bothered to leave to go to a restaurant or even left his office. Instead, he eats his pasta in front of his computer while he answers a few emails. His boss has lessened his workload significantly since he returned and Even can’t decide if it makes him feel relieved or even more bored. He doesn’t really have any inspiration at the moment to do anything, but at the same time it feels like she is just doing it because she is not sure he will be able to handle it and with even less challenging things to do his sense of agitation just increases.

He hasn’t talked much to Mikael recently and it’s been a while since they last saw each other. He has spent much more time talking to Mutta because so far Mutta has been the one most understandable about the whole Isak situation. His other friends have done their best to make him feel better and lessen his guilt by telling him he did the right thing and that he should focus on himself. Their efforts have not helped at all though and only made Even feel even more crappy. Mutta is the only one that has actually showed his wholehearted support. Mikael on the other hand had not helped at all with his attitude towards Isak and the break-up, and now it feels like they have been avoiding each other. 

Even has no idea what his best friend wants but he guesses he can’t really avoid him forever. He does miss Mikael. Or the way it used to be between them.

**Sure! How about tomorrow?**  
**After work? Or lunch?**

**Great! After work sounds**  
**great! 17:30?**

**Sounds good.**  
**See you then!**

 

“Look,” Mikael starts. “It feels like I’ve not been a great friend to you recently. And it feels like we are kind of slipping apart a bit. I think that is mainly my fault and I’m sorry I’ve not been more supportive.”

Even nods quietly. 

“It’s okay, Mikael,” he starts but Mikael shakes his head firmly.

“It is not!” he interupts. “I should have supported you more through your relationship with Isak instead of questioning it. I never meant to hurt you but I realise that I was unfair and that I came off as judgemental rather than supportive. And as the two of you broke up I feel like I wasn’t there for you like I should have been. Again I never meant to hurt you but it’s no excuse and I shouldn’t have said what I said and made it sound like I wasn’t supportive of you or thought that the relationship was bad in any way. I could see how happy you were with Isak and it hurt so much to see you in pain afterwards and then with your episode it just felt like I was doing the right thing. Like you needed to hear that it wasn’t your fault and that you should be allowed to focus on yourself and Ellie.”

Mikael looks up and smiles hesitantly before continuing. 

“I never meant for it to sound like you don’t deserve to be happy with anyone or that you are not allowed to be in a relationship. I could just see you giving yourself one hundred percent to Isak and at the same time doing the same for Ellie and it didn’t feel happy. And then I guess it made sense for me to be frustrated with Isak for not being more understanding about your situation. But I really didn’t know, did I? I just assumed it was what you needed, but now I realise that I just made things worse for you and I’m really sorry about that. I just want things to go back to how it was and I want you to feel like you can trust me.”

“Of course I trust you, Mikael!” Even says. “You are one of my oldest friends. I guess it hurt a bit to hear your opinion but I know you never meant to hurt me. I know you want what’s best for me. You have always looked after me after all. Ever since we got to know each other and I was the crazy freak with pregnant girlfriend.”

“You were never a freak. You were literally the coolest guy in school,” Mikael smiles. “And you are the strongest person I know. You have been through so much in your life but you are still an amazing dad and friend and son and probably an amazing boyfriend too. You care so much about people and your heart is so big. I’ve always admired that about you! You are much nicer than the rest of us.”

“I wouldn’t have been able to do it without any of you,” Even says quietly. “Without my friends’ support I would never have been able to manage. Especially not without you. I know it wasn’t easy for you when I became manic and kissed you and just disappeared afterwards. I know you tried to get in contact with me, but I was just so low back then and I honestly thought you would be better off without me.”

“Don’t think about that,” Mikael says. “I’m just glad we found our way back to each other.”

“Me too,” Even says. 

Mikael looks at him for a few seconds before clearing his throat.

“Maybe you and Isak will too, eventually?” he says. 

Even shakes his head. 

“I don’t think so,” he says. “I fucked him up and I hurt him in the worst way possible. I don’t think he wants me in his life anyway.” 

“Again you are being too hard on yourself,” Mikael says. “No, but listen,” he adds when Even rolls his eyes and chuckles slightly under his breath. “Maybe you have made mistakes and maybe you have hurt Isak but that doesn’t make you a horrible person. You are not irredeemable. You are still a good person that deserves love and happiness.”

“I guess,” Even mutters. “I just don’t know if we would be good for each other right now. Or if I would be good for him. I broke him. Made his insomnia and anxiety worse and made him lose weight. He finally seems to be on the right track and I can’t mess him up again. With everything that happened with Ellie I just don’t think I can be what he deserves. He deserves to be loved wholeheartedly and unconditionally.

“And you can’t be that person?” Mikael asks. 

Even shakes his head.

“I don’t think so,” he mumbles. “I know I will always love him so much and with every bit of my heart but  he deserves someone to choose him and he deserves to be someone’s priority.”

“But just because you have Ellie doesn’t mean you can’t do all those things,” Mikael says. “At least in some ways. Maybe it’s true that Ellie will always be the most important person but that doesn’t mean Isak can’t be important too? It doesn’t mean that you can’t give him unconditional love. You can still choose him.” 

Even looks down. He wishes it could be that simple. 

-

He can’t stop thinking about Isak, and one afternoon, a few days after his talk with Mikael, he finds himself back at the grocery store. He feels stupid and pathetic because what are the odds that Isak is even here today right now? As far as Even knows Isak has started his new term at uni so chances are that he is not going to be at work. He just has to try even if it will end with another rejection. 

He finds Isak between two shelves, unpacking, and he has to stop for a few seconds to calm himself down. Isak is so damn beautiful, even in the unflattering uniform he wears, and Even feels breathless just looking at him. Isak looks okay, from where Even stands and maybe Even should just walk away and keep it like that. Maybe he shouldn’t push himself into Isak’s life again. Before he can change his mind he starts walking towards where Isak is standing bent over slightly. 

Isak looks up when he hears Even approach and lets out a deep sigh.

“What are you doing here?” he asks tiredly. “You need to stop coming here all the fucking time!” 

Even swallows. This is not going well but he hadn’t expected anything less. 

“I just wanted to talk to you and thank you again for helping Ellie. I’m sorry that you got dragged into that.”

“Well you have already said that,” Isak says and looks away. “Was there anything else? Any more recommendations you need my help with or can you choose your own brand of pasta?” 

Even flinches against Isak’s harsh sarcasm. 

“No, I just wanted to see you. Tell you that I’m sorry, again. I love you so much and I just wished we could talk about things,” he mumbles weakly. 

“Have you sorted things out with Ellie?” Isak asks as he continues to unload the pallet in front of him. 

Even would like to say that things are going well with Ellie but he can’t. Things are still messy between them and even if he understands her better now he still struggles to understand what’s going on in her head fully. He had thought that things were getting better but she is still struggling with things she won’t tell him about. She is still moody and angry and secretive. She still doesn’t approve of Isak.  

“No... but…”

“Then what can we talk about?” Isak questions. “What do you want from this? What do you want from me? What do you expect from me? I don’t understand, Even.” 

“Nothing, or I mean…” Even mutters. “I want to be with you...Isak. I love you. I know you don’t want to be with me…”

“But I do,” Isak says. “It’s all I want but you made it perfectly clear that you would never choose me so here we are. What else can we do? It’s not going to work!” 

“I just think that with time things could work between us,” Even says. “If we just got to talk. I don’t care how long it takes and I’ll wait forever if I have to. I’ve never felt like this before and I don’t think I’ll ever love someone again. I miss you every day and I just love you.”

Isak looks away again.

“Can’t you see you are only making things worse,” he whispers. “It doesn’t matter how many times you tell me all these things because in the end it doesn’t matter, does it? It doesn’t matter that you love me or can’t live without me. Because in the end it will always come down to what she thinks. What she wants. You will choose her again if it comes down to it. I can’t be pushed to the side all the time. I can’t take it. It breaks me. How can I know that it won’t happen again? If not now, in the future? Unless you change things it will happen again and then you and I can never be together.” 

Even bows his head, feeling completely humiliated. He knows that Isak is right and that is the worst part. 

“Yeah,” he says, voice pathetic and weak. “Uh, I’m sorry...uh. I’ll go now.” 

When Isak looks at him again it is with a sad smile. 

“Even…” he starts but Even can’t stay and hear the rest of it.

His heart hurts too much already and he has no one to blame but himself. He hurries through the store and makes his way towards the exit without buying anything. He walks and walks and walks until he sinks down on a park bench in a small park nearby. A curious old lady with an equally old dog watches on as he breaks down and buries his face in his hands. 

-

Even keeps thinking about what Mikael said during the following days. Mikael had made it seem so easy in the end but Even is not sure it is. How can it be when his daughter is so clear that she won’t be okay with Isak. How can it be simple when Isak wants nothing to do with him. He thinks about what Isak had said and even if the harsh words still sting he knows Isak is right. It can never be them if things don’t change. He can’t be with Isak if there is a risk he will hurt him in the same way again. He can’t drag Isak into his life if he is just going to mess Isak’s up again. It wouldn’t be fair. It would be selfish. 

He wishes he could just listen to his heart because his heart soars for Isak and longs for the bond the two of them shared. He wonders if he will ever get the chance to feel like that again or if he has blown it forever. His one chance at great love. The more he thinks about it the angrier he gets. And the more he thinks about Mikael’s words the more resentful he feels.

It feels unfair that Ellie can’t approve of the one thing his heart wants the most. That she doesn’t want him to be happy. That he can never have Isak because she doesn’t want him to.  For so long it has felt like his life is missing something. That final piece to make him feel complete. When he met Isak everything had come together so naturally and perfectly and he had felt like he was alive again after feeling dull for so long. With Isak he could feel like he had everything he could ask for and more. His family, his friends, his daughter, and the love of his life. 

He can feel the anger build inside him the more he is thinking about it. The more he allows himself to think about what all his friends have told him and what Isak said, the more angry he becomes. He is angry because he has fucked up. He is angry because Ellie can’t see past her own issues in order for him to be happy. He is angry because he keeps making sacrifices for her but gets nothing in return. He is angry because he had Isak and lost him.

Another week passes and he can feel that anger consume him. He becomes snappy and irritated at work and even worse at home. He starts to avoid Ellie in the mornings by leaving extra early or taking a shower when she gets up. 

He is tired of feeling like his feelings don’t matter to her and he is tired of having to put aside his own happiness for her. The anger scares him. He’s never felt a fire this hot burning inside him before but now it’s all he feels. Hot burning anger directed at the one person he promised himself he would never be angry at. Why isn’t he allowed to be happy? Why isn’t he allowed to love anyone? Why is he not allowed to love more than one person? Why is she allowed to dictate how he lives his life? Why does it matter if she doesn’t like Isak? Why should he care? 

He might have allowed her to do that for the majority of their life together and he realises that now. He has been so adamant about giving her the best childhood ever and be the best dad in the world. Out of guilt and fear he has given her everything he could. Now he is not sure there is anything more to give. He feels burned out and the light and spirit that Isak had brought into his life is fading. 

-

It doesn’t take long for Ellie to pick up on his behaviour. After all he has been snappy for the whole week. And because she is less scared of confrontations she calls him out on his sour mood. It’s a Thursday night and Even has just come home from work. He walks into their apartment and closes the door behind him and before he can take off his shoes Ellie ambushes him. 

“We should talk,” she says firmly. 

Even sighs. He is not in the mood for a talk. He just wants to eat and go to bed. 

“I don’t want to talk tonight,” he says through gritted teeth. 

“Well I want to,” Ellie says stubbornly. “You’ve been angry for the past week and I don’t understand why, but you avoiding me is really annoying.” 

They sit down at the table in front of each other. Ellie looks annoyed and Even rubs his face. He can already feel a headache forming behind his eyes.

“You’ve been angry this whole week!” Ellie says. “I don’t understand what is going on with you?”

“With me?” Even says. “You are the one who has acted up the whole summer and even longer.”

“You are the one who has been avoiding me for the past week,” Ellie retorts.

“Well I’m angry and irritated because I think you are being selfish and unfair,” Even spits out and Ellie shuts her mouth and looks at him in surprise. 

“I’ve done everything for you. Your whole life and now I have given up even more things in order for you to be happy. Because you are important to me but it’s like you don’t care or even reflect on that. I broke up with Isak because I wanted to spend time with you and support you when you had a rough time. I did everything to make you feel better but you keep acting out and you never ever reflect on how I feel about this. I broke Isak’s heart and lost the love of my life because you couldn’t accept it. I did that for you. Because I love you. You just care about yourself and your own happiness!”

The last sentences come out louder than he expected and Ellie looks at him with hurt and shock. 

“I’m sorry I am such a horrible and selfish daughter,” she says. “I’m sorry you are stuck with me forever.” 

A few tears trail down her face and Even deflates instantly. Even if he is angry he can’t stand seeing her cry and even less him being the reason for it. 

“I just wish you could be happy for me,” Even says weakly. “It just feels like you don’t really care if I’m actually happy or not.” 

Ellie bites her lip.

“I want you to be happy, dad,” she says unsteadily. “I’m just scared and I know it’s stupid but mom just left when she found her boyfriend and she grew tired of me after only 5 years. She doesn’t care about me and she doesn’t love me. What’s to say it won’t be the same with you? You are going to get tired of me too and you are going to leave. When you are with Isak it’s like nothing else matters and all your worries go away but all I ever do is make you worry or angry.”

“That’s not true,” Even whispers. “You bring so much happiness into my life and I would not be able to live without you. Your mother was never the motherly type and she was young and scared when she got pregnant. It’s not an excuse and I’ll never forgive her for leaving you and hurting you this badly. But I’ll never do that to you! I promise. I need you in my life. In a few years you will move out and you will probably travel around the world and meet amazing people. You are going to do so many amazing things but I’ll be here and I don’t think I’ll ever be fully prepared for that day because while you are out there having the time of your life I’ll be left here. Alone.”

“Dad…” Ellie says. 

“The thought scares me shitless. You finding your own place in the universe. You trying your own things and realising how far you can go. I’m so proud of you and I know you will do amazing things, but I know that you will have less and less time for me and that’s how it’s supposed to be but it still makes me scared and I don’t know how to deal with that loneliness,” Even says with a trembling voice. “Isak makes me feel so happy but he also makes me feel less lonely and when I’m with him I feel less scared about the future and you leaving me.”

Ellie doesn’t say anything but she dries her eyes with the back of her hand. Even opens his mouth and his soul.

“My heart is big enough for both of you and just because I love Isak doesn’t make me love you any less. Nothing could make me do that. No person in the world could make me love you any less. I will always be your dad and you will always be the most important thing in my life. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you, but Isak makes me really happy and I feel like he makes me feel alive in a way no one else can. I’m not saying that I love him more than you because that is not true and you know that. I’m just saying that he makes me really happy and excited, and when I’m with him it feels like I have everything I need in my life. I feel like I’m happier and would be a better person with him around. A better friend and a better dad. You, mom and dad, and my friends you are all important to me but Isak is too. And I wish you could see that. I wish you could understand how much I love him without thinking it makes me love you less. I wish you could be okay with me loving him because this is breaking me.”

“I can’t live my life lonely for the rest of my life. I need someone too. I need love too in order to be happy. I need love in order to feel like my life is complete and Isak is that person for me.” 

“I know you don’t approve of him and the thought absolutely breaks my heart but so is losing him. I know you don’t want me to be with him and that you don’t like him but I do. I want to be with him. I will always love you but this is my life and this is what I want to do. I want to be with Isak. There is still a risk that he doesn’t want to be with me again but I’m not going to let what you think stop me”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's that :) I hope I didn't disappoint you! Please let me know what you think in the comments. Do you like it? I would say that this is the chapter when Even takes a lot of steps forward when it comes to himself. He stands up for himself in a way he hasn't before and he listen to his heart. He has kept so much to himself and he was burtsting at the seams. Mikael helped, finally stepping up and being Even's best friend. Did you like that? However, Even did a lot of things on his own. He is ready to put himself first for the first time in forever. He told Ellie that he thinks she is unfair and selfish and he didn't shy away from the confrontation like he used to. He is still carrying alot of guilt though. Both for hurting her and for hurting Isak. He is trying to make amends with himself for hurting Ellie because he realises he has done everything in his power to help her and there is nothing he else he can do. He has given up so much and he realises that he as no more to give and it scares him that he is going bitter and angry. He feels frustrated with Ellie because she keeps acting out and lying. The pain he once felt has turned to anger and instead of feeling sad he is angry with her for not carrying about his happiness. Some of you have pointed out that he has raised her in a "bad" way by always giving in to her needs and wants and in this chapter he realised that now. It is still a weak spot for hi and probably always will be due to their relationship and background but he realises that he won't be able to live like that and be the good person he wants to be. He realises that in order to be the best person possible he needs to be happy about his life. Not feeling like he is giving himself up and failing all the time. 
> 
> He knows there is a risk that ISak will reject him forever but he knows that he wants to try. He is allowing himself to follow his heart. It is his life and his happiness. He still values Ellie's approval but at the end of the chapter he is in a better place and he is ready to say "Screw what you think, I'll chase my man" to Ellie. It's not going to be easy though and they won't be able to forget about what happened so easily.


	19. I’m going to take care of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooohooo! Didn't think I'd be able to publish this chapter today but I'm a really impatient person so I decided to finish this chapter today despite the nice, sunny weather. This has not been beta'd by Steffi because she is busy this week but when she has the time she will likely go through this chapter and I'll edit and update according to her wishes :) 
> 
> I also have a new one shot I published yesterday which I'm really excited about! If you've not checked it out please do :) It's called "I'll be right beside you" and is a pretty angsty one shot! 
> 
> Thank you so much for your never-ending support and amazing feedback. I read all your comments with a smile on my face and I appreciate every word. I love hearing your opinions and love to discuss with you! Thank you to all of you who have read this story this far <3 The journey is far from over, guys but I think things are taking a new turn in this chapter!

“Hi,” Isak whispers as he takes a seat next to Sana in the lecture hall.

“Hey,” she answers quietly.

The lecture is just about to start and Isak is one of the last ones in. As he unpacks his backpack he realises he has forgotten his charger at home. He had overslept this morning and in his rush to get ready he must have forgotten it on the coffee table. His computer is old and won’t last more than half an hour. Isak swears silently under his breath and Sana looks at him with a small smirk.

“What?” Isak mumbles.

Sana continues to smirk.

“Nothing,” she says.

Isak rolls his eyes as he pulls out his spiral notebook. He’ll have to take notes by hand for now.

“Do you have a pen?” he asks.

Sana silently hands him a pen from her bag just as the teacher decides to start the lecture. Isak accepts it from her with a mouthed thank you and finds a fresh page in his notepad.

The new term at uni has just started but Isak feels like it is already kicking his ass. Though he generally likes learning new things all their courses are tough and take a lot of time which combined with his extra job leaves him exhausted. Still, he feels happy to be back on track with his life and being busy keeps him distracted from thinking too much about things that make him sad. In addition, he will be going on a six week internship at a clinic at the hospital in a month which he looks forward to even more. It’s going to be nice to have a break from just studying and get some practical experience. Isak has been placed at the orthopaedic ward at Ullevål hospital. It’s not one of the fields that Isak wishes to specialise in but it is good to get experience from all different fields and as long as it isn’t paediatric he will probably do fine. But that is still a few weeks away and right now he has to focus on the lectures for this course. It’s a course on microbiology which actually suits him pretty well. During high school biology had been one of his favourite subjects and him and Sana had actually bonded over their mutual interest. Back then they had been competitive with each other and always managed to trigger each other to become better. Now he feels grateful that he has Sana to study with. She is smart and ambitious and the two of them usually manage to make sense of the chapters in the book or the lecture notes.

Additionally, she has been a good friend too over the summer and Isak can tell that she is still silently looking after him to make sure that he is okay. He is doing much better than he did at the beginning of summer but he can’t say he feels particularly good either. He is mainly scraping by, trying to focus on his studies in a more balanced way than earlier and with the support of his friends. He has found a decent sleeping routine and his friends make sure he eats every day like he is supposed to and he has managed to get some appetite back as well. As long as he keeps focusing on school work and work or spends time with his friends he is mostly doing okay. It’s only really when he is alone that he still allows himself to think about him. About Even. Everytime he does his heart crumbles painfully inside his chest.

He talks to Eskild a lot about his feelings. The red head has completely taken Isak under his wing at work. While none of the others have shown any real interest in Isak, Eskild definitely has. They have talked a lot about Even as well as Isak’s complicated relationship to his parents and sister. Eskild is easy to talk to and even if Isak always struggles with opening up to people Eskild feels like one of those people he can actually talk to. Eskild never judges him but he is also honest with Isak and doesn’t lie to let Isak down gently. He trusts Eskild’s advice. Eskild has experienced heartbreak himself and gotten over it. Eskild has had problems with his family too but has walked out stronger.

“My parents struggled to accept we when I came out and ended up moving out at sixteen. We still don’t have the best relationship you know but we see each other on holidays and stuff and I’m still very close to my sister.” Eskild explains. “Plus I have lots of friends that are basically my family.”

Isak doesn’t know if he would have been able to handle it if his mother wouldn’t except him for being gay. Even if their relationship is frail at best, he knows that she loves him not matter what happens. Even if she is not always capable of showing it at least she loves him for who he is. He may not have a dad anymore, but he does have a mother that loves him dearly. Sometimes he forgets to feel lucky about that. Sometimes he is so busy on focusing on the things he doesn’t have that he forgets the most important thing. She loves him and she will never stop.

“I’m sorry,” he offers Eskild, his attempts at comforting the other man feeling weak in comparison to all the comfort Eskild has given him. “You deserve better than them!”

“Thank you, Isak,” Eskild says and pats Isak’s shoulder before turning his attention to work.

-

Now that most of his co-workers have returned from their vacations he works once or twice a week and every other weekend and so far he has managed to balance his studies with work. His new boss is not as flexible as Reine used to be but at least he has allowed Isak to work evenings and afternoons during the week and then early days during the weekends which still leaves Isak with plenty of times for his studies. It’s not easy but it is what he is used to. It is what he has to do in order to afford rent and food and still have some money left at the end of the month.

“Look why don’t you just move? If your rent is that expensive why don’t you try to look for something else? Wouldn’t it be nice to not have to work so much?” Sana asks as the two of them walk towards the cafeteria to get some well needed coffee during the lecture break.

“I don’t know,” Isak yawns. “It’s just a lot of stress moving and finding a new apartment.”

“I get that,” Sana says slowly. “I just think it would be good for you. I know you stress a lot and maybe moving could make things easier. Maybe you could find something close to campus?”

This is just another example of her looking out for him. Isak knows a lot of people, Nils and Alfred included, view Sana as cold and reserved as a person and during the first year of high school that had been Isak’s perception about her too. She had been guarded and sarcastic back then just like he used to be but underneath a hard shell she was a caring and loyal friend who had been through a lot. Things Isak never could imagine going through. He doubts he would be as strong as her if she had to endure all the things she has been faced with an is still faced with on a daily basis.

“Yeah, maybe,” Isak says and turns towards Sana with a small smile as he yawns for a second time.

It’s Monday morning and Isak has worked all weekend and because one of the other staff members had been sick he had worked a double shift yesterday and only gotten home after midnight. It’s not like he hasn’t thought about moving countless of times during the years he has lived on his own, but there has always been more important thing on his mind.

When he moved out he had been desperate for a place to stay and had just accepted the first thing he could get which was an overpriced, tiny apartment in desperate need of renovation. He had taken it despite knowing he would have to work extra apart from his student loan but at the time anything had been better than living with his mother. Since then he has just stayed there out of comfort. It’s just easier than to have to go through the process of moving and his life has been stressful enough. When things had gotten serious with Even he had secretly been fantasizing about moving in with Even some day and the thoughts about moving had been pushed to the side.

During the summer it has been the last thing on his mind with everything that has been going on but now that things are finally looking up he supposes it would be a good time to start looking for something new. It’s not like he and Even will move in together anytime soon anyway. Probably never.

Even had visited the store again two weeks ago, completely taking Isak by surprise but Isak is proud of himself for not breaking down and managing to stick up for himself just like he had Eskild had practised. It had hurt to see Even again. A little less than the time before but still enough to make Isak’s chest cave in just a little bit. Just enough for Isak’s breath to hitch. After all, Isak’s heart still longs for the other man.

But he had still managed to say everything he wanted. His talks with Eskild had helped him come to the conclusion that it would never work for them unless Even made some changes in his relationship with Ellie. But even with that realisation it had been painful to stand next to Even and hear him talk about how he still wanted Isak and believed that it could be them again. It had taken everything in Isak’s power to not break down in front of Even but even once Even had left he had managed to keep working with only a couple of deep, calming breaths.

“If we just got to talk. I don’t care how long it takes and I’ll wait forever if I have to,” Even had pleaded, eyes sad and desperate.

Isak wishes it was that simple. That it was just a matter of talking some more, but he honestly doesn’t think he is ready to trust Even again. Not after everything. Not after it feels like Even has used all of his insecurities against him, deliberately or not. Not when he can never measure up to Ellie. It will always be a matter of what she needs and thinks. Isak knows she has been struggling. He recognises her pain in his own.

They have both been abandoned by a parent and they are probably more similar than not. He probably shouldn’t blame her for feeling insecure and having abandonment issues, especially not when he is harvesting them himself, but it still hurts. It still makes him vulnerable and he wishes Even could understand that. After everything he needs security and stability as stupid as it may sound. As it is now, he is not sure the the other man will ever be able to give. And if not it will never be them again. The thought is absolutely heart-breaking.

-

On Wednesday night he goes out for a beer with Eskild at a small pub near Eskild’s apartment. It’s the second time the two of them hang out outside of work. The first time Eskild had invited Isak to hang out with him and two other girls from the store for an afterwork, but tonight it’s just the two of them. Isak doesn’t have any lectures tomorrow and he is meeting with Sana in the afternoon so when Eskild had asked him if he wanted to do something he had said yes. They talk about the usual stuff and Isak tells Eskild about his thoughts about moving.

“You know my roommate is moving out soon,” Eskild says slowly.

“Okay?” Isak says and takes a sip of his beer.

“So maybe you could move in with me?” Eskild says and when Isak looks up Eskild bites his lip nervously.

Eskild looks almost hopeful and clasped together on the table Isak has to look away from the other man.

“I’m not sure I’m a very good roommate,” he sighs. “You wouldn’t be able to put up with me.”

Eskild laughs.

“Trust me. I’ve lived with roommates since I moved away from home. Some of them are my best friends today but some of them have been...not so good. If I didn’t think you’d be a good roommate I’d never ask you. But if you don’t want to you don’t have to obviously. You just mentioned that your rent is expensive and I just thought it could be fun to live together.”

It’s not that Isak wouldn’t like living with Eskild. He probably would even if Eskild can be a bit intense sometimes, but as he has just told Eskild he is not sure he would be a good roommate. He is grumpy and sloppy which are two traits that people generally want to avoid when they look for a roommate. He can’t cook and he can barely do laundry and to be honest it is amazing that he has managed this long on his own. He is just scared that Eskild will grow tired of him. Especially if they will continue to work together, and he is not ready to lose the one new friend he has found.

“Don’t be stupid,” Eskild says. “I’m a great cook and as long as you can clean up after yourself and keep the mess to your room I think I can manage. She is moving out at the end of September so there is still some time left for you to think about it, but I really need to start looking for someone else so it would be good if you could let me know in a week or so. And if you say no it won’t make me love you any less. You are still my little godchild.”

Isak smiles.

“I’ll think about it, Eskild,” he says watching Eskild’s face light up into a wide grin.

“That’s all I’m asking you to do!” he says.

-

“I think it is a good idea,” Jonas says. “Eskild seems like a nice guy and I think it would be good for you. Not because I think you need someone to look after you all the time but because it would be nice to have some company. And he lives closer to the city centre right? So it would be easy for you to get to uni. And the rent would be cheaper so you wouldn’t have to work as much. Plus the bills would be split too.”

It’s been a few days and Isak has finally found the time to call his best friend. It’s hard to imagine that Jonas will be back home in a few weeks. Permanently this time and not just for a short visit. Even if Jonas had been home a little while ago when Isak had his breakdown Isak misses hanging out with Jonas on a daily basis.

Isak nods.

“Yeah, I’m just so used to living by myself. I don’t want him to grow sick of me or something. What if he gets tired of me and wants me to move out again. Then I don’t have anywhere else to go...” his voice dies down and he looks away from the camera briefly.   

“I don’t think that’s going to happen,” Jonas says seriously. “If he didn’t want you to move in he wouldn’t have asked. If he thought the two of you wouldn’t get along he wouldn’t have considered you but it sounds like he really wants you to be his roommate. And if it doesn’t work out you an always move out. It’s not like he can just throw you out on the streets. Besides you could always stay with me and I’m sure Mahdi wouldn’t mind having you stay with him either.”

“Yeah, you are right,” Isak mumbles. “I’ll think about it. Anyway how do you feel about finally going home? For good this time.”

“It feels nice. I guess I’ll miss this place a lot but at the same time it feels like it’s time to go back home. I miss my family and you and everyone else. I can’t wait for my mother’s cooking. You have to come over once I get home. They will be thrilled to have you for dinner.”

“Yeah definitely, I would never say no to your mother’s cooking,” Isak smiles. “And you are definitely going to buy me a kebab.”

-

When his radiator breaks down for a second time a week later and his landlord refuses to come and have a look at it, Isak makes up his mind. No matter what happens, living with Eskild can’t be worse than this. In fact, living with Eskild seems like a dream compared to this and if Eskild thinks Isak will be a good roommate and Jonas seems to be of the same opinion then who is Isak to argue?

Eskild is thrilled when Isak tells him over the phone a few hours later and Isak can feel a warmth spread in his chest as he hears the excitement in Eskild’s voice. He still has trouble grasping that Eskild actually wants to live with him.

“It’s going to be great,” Eskild says enthusiastically. “You won’t regret it, I promise. Linn is going to move out at the end of September, so the room will be all yours then. And if you need help moving out I can probably help you.”

Isak nods. He can probably ask the boys to help him as well. Not that he has much anyway but he needs a bed at his new place and he should probably bring his dresser as well. He’s not been to Eskild’s place yet but it honestly looks so much better than this place. Even in the pictures Eskild has peppered him with, trying to make him change his mind. It is a two-bedroom apartment with a big and light kitchen and a nice living room. There is a bathroom with a washing machine and dryer and the whole apartment has that welcoming and warm feeling his current place lacks.

“Thank you Eskild,” he says honestly. “I really appreciate you doing this for me.”

“No need to thank me, Isak,” Eskild says. “Remember I’m not doing this just for you. I’m doing it for me too.”

 Isak can’t help thinking there is though. Not just for this but for everything Eskild has done in the short period they have known each other. And now he is willing to let Isak move in with him. Just like that.

“Uh, I’ll have to email my landlord. The notice time is usually 2 months so I’ll probably have to pay rent until November. Unless he can find someone sooner. I guess you want someone that can move in straight away...” Isak mutters.

Eskild is quiet for a little while.

“Yeah...but I also want you as a roommate and I rather have you move in a little later than having to go through the process of trying to find someone else that I might not even like. Don’t worry about that, Isak. Just talk to your landlord and see what he says. The room will be waiting for you to move into as soon as Linn has moved out

“Yeah, okay, thank you,” Isak says.

There is no way he will let Eskild pay the whole rent for two months just so Isak doesn’t have to. Not when Eskild could have someone else move in straight away. He’ll sort it out. He has some money saved and if he picks up some extra shifts he can afford to pay for his half. Splitting his monthly costs with Eskild will cut down his expenses anyway so  he should be able to afford it.

-

Just he expected his landlord tells him that he has to pay for the last two months of the contract unless Isak himself can find someone to move in sooner. Isak puts some adds on the Facebook page for people looking for places to rent but with the price being kind of ridiculous for the size not many are interested and quite frankly Isak can understand them. He had been desperate when he took the place and it would probably take someone equally desperate to accept the price.

He does get some responses though and it turns out that there is a guy who has recently broken up with his girlfriend who need something temporary. Isak gives him the number to his landlord and crosses his fingers and two days later his landlord tells him that the guy will move in in the beginning of November which means that Isak won’t have to pay rent for that month.

“We totally need to celebrate you getting out of this dump,” Mahdi says when he is over for a few beers and some Fifa the same night.

“We should,” Isak says. “As soon as Jonas comes home we’ll have a final guys night here.”

“Sounds great,” Mahdi smiles. “I talked to Magnus yesterday and we agreed on surprising Jonas at the airport. I mean his dad is going to pick him up so he won’t expect us to be there as well. Magnus is super thrilled about it and wants us to wear crazy hats and have drums and stuff. We might have to tone that down a bit.”

“Yeah,” Isak laughs. “But it’ll be nice. Us hanging out more again.”

“Yeah, I’ve missed those old days, when we would just hang out together,” Mahdi says. “We should visit Magnus in Bergen too. He would love that.”

Isak nods and focuses on the TV in front of him. He looks forward to Jonas coming back home and he looks forward to reconnecting with the boys for real. He looks forward to moving in with Eskild in a few weeks. All in all, Isak feels better than in a long time.

-

A week later Isak is not feeling as good anymore. During the last few days he has come down with a cold. It’s not uncommon for him but usually they occur during the winter months and not in September. Maybe it is the stress he is feeling at the moment with the added shifts he has picked up in combination with his studies at uni. His head is thick and fuzzy, and his throat feels dry and sore every time he tries to swallow. Despite trying to go to sleep early he wakes up feeling tired to the bone every day.

“You look horrible” Sana comments unhelpfully as he takes a seat next to her in the library. “Shouldn’t you be home?”

Isak shakes his head, wincing at the pain the movement causes.

“It’s just a cold,” he mutters.

“Yeah but I don’t want to get it,” Sana says. “So you better keep those sneezes and coughs to yourself.”

Isak nods as he gathers his laptop from his bag.

“I promise I won’t cough,” he says. “Just tell me where you are at and I’ll catch up with you.”

They work in silence over the next two hours. His head is pounding, and his nose completely stuffed. Every time he tries to blow his nose Sana looks up from her computer and eyes him up and down.

“Sorry,” he mutters.

Sana smiles gently.

“You don’t have to apologise, Isak,” she says. “You should think about going home though. Maybe get some rest? And buy some lemon and ginger on your way home.”

“I can’t,” Isak says. “I’m working this evening...”

“So call in sick!” Sana says and pointedly.

“I can’t,” Isak repeats. “My boss hates me already for coming in late the other day so I have to work…he has already given me some extra shift because I’m moving and need some money for that.”

“He can’t force you to work if you are ill. That’s illegal,” Sana says.

Isak ignores the urge to cough and swallows painfully.

“It’s just a cold,” he says firmly. “I’ll be fine.”

Sana opens her mouth to say something else but then she closes it again and returns her attention to the computer screen and the two of them continue to work next to each other. Once he gets to work he feels absolutely freezing and he reluctantly changes from his warm hoodie to his work clothes. His eyes look red and irritated but before he leaves the dressing room he splashes some water on his face in the hopes that it will make him look and feel a bit more awake.

The whole shift is a struggle and Isak feels relieved that he is not behind the till today. He feels absolutely horrible and he misses Eskild who is off today. Instead he is stuck with Christine a middle aged, bitter woman whom Isak has already managed to piss off several times. She thinks he is too slow on a good day but now that he is feeling a bit down he is apparently driving her insane.

“Are you even listening to me?” she spits as he once again manages to mess up and put some items on the wrong shelf.

Isak winces as her sharp and thrill voice cuts through his ears and pierces his brain. He gives her a tired smile and apologies once again. With a tired sigh she leaves him to unpack by himself.

His whole body shakes by the time he gets home and despite taking a long shower his shivers continue as he lies down in bed. He curls up on his side and wraps another blanket around him in an attempt to stop shivering. When he wakes up in the middle of the night he is completely drenched in sweat.

-

The next days aren’t any better and his cold refuses to let go of its hold on him. His throat hurts more and more every day and his coughs keep getting worse and worse, painfully rattling his chest with every coughing fit and it hurts when he tries to breathe in deeply. Yet Isak forces himself out of bed and to uni. He is not going to let a stupid cold and a fever stop him from getting top grades this course. There are still two weeks until the exam but Isak does not want a repeat of the last exam that he barely had passed.  

It feels like Isak has barely slept at all during the night and the few hours he had slept had been restless with vivid dreams disrupting his peace. He drags himself out of bed, ignoring the pounding in his head. His body is cold and heavy, and he continues to cough painfully. He wants to lie down on his bed again, but he can’t. Has already promised he would come in and work a few hours during the morning and he also has a lecture after lunch he needs to attend. He can’t afford to miss either of them. His boss will hate him even more and his lecture is important for the upcoming exam. He sleeps all the way on the tram, waking up just in time to get off at the right stop. By the time he reaches the locker room he feels exhausted again and he sinks down on on of the benches and breathes heavily. His chest aches even more than before and as he coughs there is a coppery taste in his mouth. Even his co-worker Einar gives him a pitiful look when he walks in two minutes later.

“Shouldn’t you should go home?” he asks. “You look pretty bad.”

“I’m fine,” Isak mutters stubbornly.

 “Are you sure?” Einar asks. “You are really pale, man!”

Isak shakes his head. The movement hurts and makes him slightly dizzy.

“I can talk to Anders if you want to?” Einar suggests. “I’m sure the rest of us could manage without you.”

“No!” Isak says firmly. “I’m fine. Don’t talk to him.”

There is just no way Anders will let him continue to work if he goes home sick today. Anders already thinks he is unreliable and difficult and Isak can’t afford to piss the other man off. He’ll just have to push through these three hours and then go home early after the lecture to get some sleep. Then hopefully he will be able to work during the weekend.

“Uh…” Einar starts and looks at Isak with an uncertain expression on his face and for a second it looks like he wants to argue.  “...okay, I guess.”

“Thank you! I owe you,” Isak says.

Half an hour into his shift Isak is starting to regret not listening to Einar. Everything hurt. His head, stomach and chest hurt simultaneously, and he has to lean over and rest his hands on his knees several times just to catch his breath. It is cold inside the store and despite wearing a thin jacked over his shirt he feels cold to the bone and his muscles ache painfully with every move.

Once Isak’s three hours are up he slowly makes his way back to the dressing room and collapses on the nearest seat. He doesn’t even notice Eskild standing a few meters away getting dressed for his shift that is about to start.

“Fuck, Isak,” he says and hurries to Isak’s side. “You look terrible. How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” Isak croaks as Eskild touches his face with the back of his hand.

“You have a fever,” Eskild says with a sigh. “Why are you even here? You should be home in bed.”

Isak closes his eyes and shakes his head.

“Anders hates me, so I can’t let him think I’m slacking or something. Plus, I have a lecture after lunch that I gave to attend anyway,” he says and winces slightly as another cough rips through him.

His throat feels sore and dry.

“Can you get me some water?” he asks pathetically but Eskild nods quickly and hurries to the bathroom where Isak can hear him

Eskild sighs.  

“He can’t fire you for being sick, though,” Eskild says. “And he won’t be happy if he knows you are sick and came into work anyway,” he continues

“Don’t tell him then,” Isak says stubbornly and stands up slowly and shakily pulls his shirt over his head. “I have to work this weekend, Eskild.You know I do.”

Eskild gives him another concerned look but then he nods.

“Fine,” he says. “But after that you are going straight home and if you are not well tomorrow I’ll take your shift. Anders likes me. I’ll just say we decided to switch because I need next weekend off.”

“Thanks,” Isak says quietly.

“Just text me when you get home from uni so I know you are alright!” Eskild says. “Okay?”

“Yeah, okay!” Isak says.

-

He sleeps again on his way to uni and as he waits for his lecture to start he buys himself a coffee and a small sandwich from the cafeteria. He is not particularly hungry but needs something to do while he waits, and he hasn’t eaten much during the last few days. Maybe some food will make him feel a bit better. He sips carefully on his coffee and nibs on his sandwich slowly as he waits for the time to pass. If his head didn’t hurt so much he would probably do some reading in order to prepare for this lecture, but he doubts that he would actually learn anything. Instead he ends up looking through his bag, hoping to find a painkiller or something for his chest but he had used the last one a couple of days ago and forgotten to restock. In fact, he has not been grocery shopping in days so his fridge is almost empty too.

He remains in the cafeteria until it’s only half an hour until his lecture starts and then makes his way to the lecture hall. The doors are open and the hall empty, so he slowly makes his way down the stairs and takes a seat in the middle of the room. He leaves his coat on and leans back in his chair, enjoying the silence. He doesn’t get to enjoy the silence for long though because soon the door behind him opens and Sana walks in.

“What are you doing here?” She questions as she sits down next to him.

Isak desperately wishes people would stop asking him that because that would certainly make it easier to pretend that everything is okay.

“You are ill,” Sana continues matter of factly. “Just like you have been for the last couple of days. I told you to go home a week ago.”

“Yeah like that would stop you from turning up from a lecture,” Isak mutters.

Sana rolls her eyes.

“If I was about to keel over I would have stayed home,” she says pointedly and raises an eyebrow as she eyes him up and down.

“I’m not going to keel over,” Isak says but it is starting to feel like he might.

“Sure, Jan,” Sana says and rolls her eyes. “Just don’t get me sick because if you do I’ll kick your ass,” she threatens but not even in his fevered state Isak misses the tenderness in her voice.

-

He ends up having to run for the tram and by the time he finally reaches it he is breathless and dizzy and it feels like someone is driving a hammer through his chest. The carriage his packed with students that are on their way home and there is no way he’ll be able to find a seat despite desperately needing one. He clings to the post with both his hand his backpack wearing heavily on his back.  

He drags his feet up the stairs to his apartment and unlocks his door with a huge relief. He drops his backpack right by the door and plums down on the couch. He should probably switch into something more comfortable and even take a shower but the moment he lies down exhaustion washes over him and he curls up on his side under his blanket.

He has no idea how long he has slept for when he suddenly wakes up from his slumber when by an annoying knock on his door. It is probably just one of his neighbours so at first Isak contemplates just ignoring the knock and fall back asleep again but then there is a second knock. With a small sigh Isak sits up and throws the blanked off his legs. The world spins slightly as he stands up and slowly makes his way over to the door. Hopefully it’s just his neighbour Gro that wants to borrow some milk or ask if Isak can help her change the lightbulb in the bathroom.

He definitely didn’t expect Even to be standing outside in the corridor but there in front of him Even is standing a shy smile on his face.

“Hi,” Even says.

“Hey,” Isak croaks.

Even doesn’t say anything else and Isak can feel the dizziness in his head return. He doesn’t have the energy to talk to Even right now. He just wants to go back to sleep.

“Now is not a good time,” he starts at the same time Even opens his mouth.

“Eskild said you were sick!”

Even studies him worriedly.

“Well I’m okay. Eskild is just a drama queen,” Isak lies

The truth is that he feels worse than before he fell asleep.

“You look really pale,” Even continues completely ignoring Isak’s obvious lie. “Have you eaten anything? Do you at least-”

Even stops talking as Isak starts coughing again, covering his face with his elbow and leaning against the wall with his other arm for support. His chest rattles painfully with every cough and his eyes fill with tears. He can feel Even’s arm around his waist and a hand rubbing his back soothingly.

“You are really sick, Isak,” Even says gently.

Even guides him towards the couch and by now Isak is too tired to protest. He lets Even sit him down and put the blanket over his knees.

“Do you have some medicine somewhere?” Even asks. “Or cough drops?”

Isak shakes his head. His medicine cabinet is painfully empty.

“Okay. Have you eaten anything?” Even says.

Isak shakes his head once more.

“No,” he says. “I’ve not had time to go grocery shopping. I’m not really hungry anyway. I had half a sandwich for lunch.”

Even rumbles around in the kitchen and Isak feels ashamed of the mess he has left there. He has not cleaned up in ages and there are dishes everywhere. In addition there are some boxes standing in the corner that he has started filling with stuff he doesn’t really need at the moment. Even gives them a look before turning to Isak again.

“You have to eat though, especially if you are sick. Will you at least let me go out and buy you some groceries and some medicine? For your coughing and to get that fever down.”

Even’s voice is soft as he kneels down in front of Isak and grabs Isak’s hands in his.

“Your fever is bad, baby,” he adds sadly. “If you don’t want me to look after you that is okay but at least let me buy you some things.”

 Even moves his hand to Isak’s cheek and runs his thumb up and down gingerly on Isak’s hot skin. He smiles gently.

“Please, sweetheart!” he begs.

Isak nods tiredly. He doesn’t have any energy left in his body and he knows Even won’t give up. He sinks down on the couch and curls up under the blanket. Even runs a hand on Isak’s side as he readjusts the blanket over Isak’s shaking frame.

“I’ll be back soon, okay?”

“Yeah,” Isak whispers exhaustedly.

Within seconds he is asleep again. He doesn’t wake up when Even returns to the apartment 40 minutes later and places a cool hand on his forehead. He doesn’t wake up when Even kneels in front of him again and presses a kiss to his forehead and whispers softly into the quiet room.

“I’m going to take care of you."

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Please let me know what you thought about the chapter!
> 
> Isak is finally moving out of the apartment and into a flatshare with Eskild. It is not the Orginal Kollektivet but I promise you that this one will be almost as good. Almost! What did you think about that decision? ISak is generally in a good place in this chapter but he is still prone to get back to his old ways. He works alot, focuses on his studies and struggles with a balance. He needs to focus on those things in order to function (in his mind) I wouldn't say he has moved on from Even or that he is close to but he is in a better place. It still hurts, just like it has since the break up but it feels like he is doing much better. The major difference compared to at the start of the year and this fic was that he had isolated himself from his friens and struggled on his own. Now he is still struggling, especially with working too hard to not think, but he has all of his friends looking out for him. It is honestly making such a huge difference. And Jonas is coming home soon too! At the end of this chapter Isak has worn himself down though and he refuses to listen to anyone. He is determined to keep going and I honestly don't think it's even about him beeing scared of his boss. It's about him being scared of being too vulnerable. He has relied on his friends so much but he is still not willing to show himself weak infront of him. Do you thik he will let Even take care of him though? What do you think will happen next? Is it just a cold?" 
> 
> Lastly, another reminder to check out that one-shot because I'm shameless like that ;)


	20. You really love him don't you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Sunday means another chapter! It feels surreal that we are already at 20 chapters. I could never had done it without you guys. All of you who have read, left kudos and commented have all inspired me and motivated me and made me the happiest writer ever. I will never be able to thank you enough.
> 
> The same goes for you Steffi, You've made me so much better and I feel so grateful to have you as a my beta <3
> 
> I think this chapter is pretty fluffy, especially compared to the last few. It is pretty much only a sick fic so if that is not your cup of tea, I'm sorry. If you like it you have about 6000 words of sick Isak to look forward to :)

Even has spent the last week and a half summoning up all the courage he has to face Isak again. It is what his heart wants. He knows that he wants Isak more than anything else and after he had confronted Ellie about his feelings it felt like he was truly ready to start his mission of getting Isak back. Only it had taken some time before he actually felt brave enough to take action. Maybe he should have done something simple like sending a text but that is no grand gesture of love. That is not what Isak deserves. That is not how Even wants to show Isak that he loves and wants him. 

He goes to see Isak before work, turning up a little before 7 am, but no one opens the door and after five minutes Even gives up. 

He spends the rest of his day feeling anxious and restless, not being able to fully focus on anything but what he wants to say to Isak. He leaves in the afternoon determined to see Isak no matter what. He goes back to Isak’s apartment, creepily ringing the doorbell for at least 5 minutes until a neighbour sticks out her head and tells him to come back later. Even feels both defeated and a little pathetic. For all he knows Isak could be there in the apartment. Maybe he just doesn't want to see Even again. Maybe he will never open the door for Even again. Not that Even would blame him after all the misery Even has put him through. Still, Even can’t give up. Not now when he is so ready to show Isak he is worthy of his love. Not when he has finally put down his foot when it comes to Ellie. 

So he drives across town to the grocery store. It takes him forty minutes to get there because of rush hour. 

“You are here again!”

Even doesn’t even have the time to approach the till and dump his load of items that he has collected in his search for Isak, before the red headed man looks up and gives him an unimpressed look.

Even is left feeling embarrassed. This is without doubt the person who had stepped behind Isak the first time Even ran into Isak here. It’s obvious that the man in front of him knows who he is too. 

“Are you a stalker or something?” the redhead continues, and for the first time Even takes the time to read the name on the name tag of the person who is so protective of Isak. Eskild it says. 

Eskild continues to eye him as he waits for Even to answer. 

“Uh is Isak here?” Even asks dumbly. 

“Why do you want to know?” Eskild asks suspiciously and looks down at the pile of things Even has just dumped in front of him. A tube of toothpaste, a toothbrush, some floss, a bag of toilet paper, laundry detergent, tissue paper, some bananas and five packs of gums all lie on the conveyor belt ready to be scanned. 

“I need to talk to him,” Even stammers under Eskild’s angry glare. 

Eskild sighs as he starts to scan the toothpaste. 

“You are fucking him up,” he says frankly “He has told me about you, you know. About what happened. It has screwed him up a lot. He’s been a freaking mess over this. He’s still a mess. You can’t continue to show up here when you want to talk to Isak. This is his workplace. You can’t ambush him here in a place where he can’t leave.”

Even feels dumb. He has never even thought about it like that. He’s just been so preoccupied with his need to see Isak and his want to talk to the other man. Even forces himself to stand tall. 

“I know I’ve messed up. I’m well aware of that, believe me. I love Isak. I love him with all my heart and even though I probably never will deserve him again I need him to know how much I love him. I might not deserve him but he deserves to know that.”

Eskild doesn’t answer but looks at Even as if he expects him to continue. 

“I really love him,” Even repeats. “He is the love of my life. I know it!”

“Okay,” Eskild says slowly. “You still broke him though. He is vulnerable and you used it against him. He is scared of not being loved and you used it against him. He is scared of never being chosen by anyone and you told him you’d never choose him. That’s fucked up. That’s another level of shitty and I’m not sure I can allow that to happen again. I need to look after Isak because he sucks at looking after himself.” 

Eskild’s words are sharp and cut Even until he bleeds inside. It bleeds because the words are true. Eskild is probably a few years older than Isak, probably around 25, but right now it feels like he is at least 20 years older than Even and Even feels like a 13-year-old boy in front of Eskild. 

“I know I broke him. I never meant to but I did. I just want to make things right. I want to tell him I was wrong. I want to tell him I choose him. I want to choose him.” 

“But can you?” Eskild interrupts. “Can you choose him? I believe you want to. I look at you and I can see that you love Isak. I saw it the first time I saw you and when you visited the store a couple of weeks ago I saw it too. That’s not what you need to convince me of. That’s not why I’m looking out for Isak. I have no doubt that you want Isak, but do you want it enough? Can you choose him? Can you be there for him?”

Even nods silently. He knows he can. 

“I can,” he promises. “I get if you don’t trust me but I know I can. I know what my heart wants and I know I can be enough for him. I can choose him and I can choose my daughter. They are both important to me and my heart is big enough for both of them.”

Eskild scans the last item and Even can feel his time running out. 

“I love Isak. I love him so much it hurts. I’ll spend everyday telling him how much I love him and I’ll spend the rest of my life showing him in every way possible. You can hate me all you want but in the end I don’t care about what you think. I care about what Isak thinks. I’ll fight for him no matter what anyone else thinks or says. I’ll fight for him until he tells me to go.” 

He looks at Eskild with tears in his eyes. 

“Do you want a bag?” Eskild says slowly.

“What?” Even says. 

Eskild gestures to the groceries on his left. Even looks at them. The sad pile of things he doesn’t need. He is desperate. So fucking desperate. He nods silently and wipes a tear off his face then reaches down in front of him and grabs a bag. 

“I believe you,” Eskild says. “I don’t trust you yet but you are right when you say that it doesn’t matter what I think. It matters what Isak thinks and that boy loves you with all of his heart. He talks about you all the time and I know he is not over you. He misses you like crazy but he doesn’t think it can be you again because he’s too scared to trust you. He is scared he will get his heart broken again. If you are serious about this you need to show him that he can trust you because that is all he wants to. You need to let him know that he can lean on you. He wants your love, Even. That’s all he wants.”

“He has it,” Even says. “He has my heart and my love. I’m going to show it to him and I’ll do everything I can to not screw up again.” 

Eskild nods slowly and then smiles faintly. 

“He was here this morning,” he says ignoring the long queue behind Even. “He was clearly not doing well. He was supposed to stay at home because he had a fever but he is so stubborn. I tried to make him go home after his shift but he said that had to go to uni. He has this fear that our boss will fire him if he calls in sick tomorrow. Anyway I’m really worried about him. He was supposed to text me once he got home to let me know how he was feeling in case I need to cover for him but he has not texted yet.”

“Oh,” Even says. “I went to his place before I came here. No one answered the door.”

Now he is definitely feeling worried and his fears are only highlighted by Eskild’s clear concern. 

“He was probably on his way home then,” Eskild reasons but Even can tell that he is just as worried as Even is.

Isak is bad at taking care of himself on a good day so that probably means that he sucks at taking care of himself on a bad day. 

“Maybe you just missed him!” he continues.

Even nods, finally moving towards the end of the conveyor belt to put all his things into the bag in his hands.

“Can you text me once you’ve checked on him?” Eskild says. “He has my number in his phone.”

“Of course!” Even says. 

He drives all the way back to Isak’s apartment, his heart beating in his chest. He has tried to call Isak several times already but every time the signals keep ringing until it goes to the answering machine. He parks the car in front of Isak’s building and runs up the stairs before knocking on the door frantically. He waits a minute until he knocks again and Jesus Christ Isak’s neighbours must think he is the stupidest man on earth. He is about to knock again when the door finally opens and Isak appears in the doorway. Isak is pale and looks weak on his legs yet Even have not seen anyone more beautiful in his life. 

“Hi,” he says with a small smile. 

“Hey,” Isak manages raspily. 

The more Even looks at him the worse Isak looks. He looks like an old and crumbled autumn leaf in front of Even. Shaky and frail. Pale and lifeless. 

“Now is not a good time,” Isak says.

“Eskild said you were sick!” 

Even looks at Isak carefully.

“Well I’m okay,” Isak says weakly. 

“You look really pale,” Even says. “Have you eaten anything? Do you at least-”

He is interrupted as Isak coughs violently, bending over slightly and leaning heavily against the wall. Every cough is merciless and Even rushes to Isak’s side supporting him as he continues to cough. There are tears in Isak’s eyes when the fit finally ebbs out and Even leads him over to the worn out couch where he gently helps Isak sit down.

\- 

He lets himself inside when he comes back from another trip to the grocery store and the pharmacy. He has stocked up with fresh vegetables, chicken, rice, yoghurt, toast, tea or  anything that Isak might want eat. He has bought cough medicine, fever reducers and all kinds of supplies from the pharmacy. Isak is still asleep on the couch and doesn’t even react when Even unlocks the door and steps inside again. He puts the bags down in the kitchen area before making his way over to where Isak lay sprawled out, covered by the blanket. He puts his hand on Isak’s forehead biting his lip at the heat that radiates from the other boy. He crouches down in front of the couch and gently checks Isak’s fever with a kiss. Isak is too hot. Way too hot and there is no way he is going to leave Isak alone. He is going to take care of Isak and hopefully Isak will let him. For now he should let Isak sleep. 

He starts cleaning the apartment the best he can. He does the mountain of dishes and takes out the trash and does some general tidying up. He collects all of Isak’s dirty laundry and puts it in the hamper and restocks Isak’s pantry with everything he has bought. An hour later the apartment looks a little less messy and Isak is still sleeping on the couch. Even sits down next to him again and runs a soothing hand on Isak’s arm before he moves the blanket down slightly and carefully unzips Isak’s hoodie. For a second he just sits next to Isak listening to his slow breaths. Isak’s breaths are raspy and Even frowns in concern. 

He goes to grab the bag from the pharmacy and returns to the couch again. He rumbles through and fishes up the thermometer he had bought. Maybe he had gone a little overboard, but he wasn’t sure Isak had one and he wants to be able to monitor Isak’s fever closely.  

“Isak,” he mumbles gently. “Baby, wake up for me.” 

Isak groans and moves weakly before opening his eyes just barely. 

“What?” he mumbles. 

“I need to check your fever,” Even says gently. 

“No…” Isak says quietly.

“Yes,” Even says firmly. “I need to see how bad it is…”

“You should go home,” Isak says. “I can take care of myself. I always do.” 

Even bites his lip and ignores the sadness in his chest. He has no doubt that Isak has looked after himself for a long time. Probably all his life but when Even watches him now, curled up and feverish and weak he can’t help but think that he still sucks at it. 

“Let me take care of you now,” he pleads. “You don’t have to be by yourself right now. Let me take care of you tonight.”

Isak doesn’t answer because he has fallen asleep again. Before Even got to check his temperature and help him move to his bed. Even sighs and puts the thermometer on the coffee table next to Isak’s phone. Then he remembers that he promised to text Eskild to let the other man know how Isak is doing. He unlocks Isak’s phone and freezes at the sight of Isak’s background picture. What used to be a picture of them is now just a plain standard one that comes with the phone. It is the saddest thing he has ever seen. He quickly sends a text to Eskild and his own phone number and Eskild promises he will come by later. 

-

He lets Isak sleep for another half hour and busies himself with watching some TV on mute. Every once in a while he glances over to Isak’s sleeping form and watches him breathe slowly. He should check his fever and probably give him some fever reducer because Isak’s heat scares him a little. He should definitely let Ellie know that he won’t be home for a few hours. 

He stands up carefully and grabs his own phone. Isak doesn’t move so Even steps into the bathroom briefly to make the call. He sits down on the toilet seat and dials Ellie’s number. It doesn’t take long before she picks up. 

“Hi dad, I was just about to call you,” she says. “Are you on your way home? I was thinking I could cook us something.”

“Hey,” he says. “I don’t know when I’ll be home actually. That’s why I’m calling you.”

“Okay?” Ellie says sounding confused. “Where are you? Are you still at work?”

“No,” Even mumbles. “I’m at Isak’s place.”

There is some rumbling sounds in the background but Ellie is silent. Even can feel his heartbeat speed up as he waits for a reply and he grips his phone tightly. 

“Oh,” she says finally. “Okay!” 

“He’s sick!” Even says. “He’s really sick and he needs someone to take care of him. I need to stay with him and make sure he is alright.”

“You really love him, don’t you?” Ellie says softly. 

“Yeah,” Even breathes immediately. “I do!”

“Okay,” Ellie says for a third time but this okay seems different. It is not a question. It is not surprised. This okay is understanding. This okay is accepting and soft.

“You need stay with him then,” Ellie continues. “And take care of him.”

“Yeah,” Even says weakly. “I’ll call you tomorrow!”

There is a moment of silence and Even prepares to hang up. He is feeling a mix of emotions but most of all he is eager to return to Isak’s side in case he wakes up again. He will have to deal with everything else later. 

“Dad?” Ellie says before Even can hang up.”I’m really really sorry. About everything I’ve put you through. I’m sorry for ruining your relationship. I  hope that it’s not too late for you two.” 

“I hope so too,” Even says. “I need to go now. I love you!”

“I love you too! Bye!”

-

He returns to the room just as Isak starts coughing again and Even hurries to Isak’s side and lifts him up gently to ease his breathing. 

“It’s alright” he soothes and rubs Isak’s back. 

He lets Isak rest against his shoulder as he reaches for the thermometer. Now that Isak is awake again he is not going to let Isak get away one more time. 

“Here, baby,” he says as he carefully slips the thermometer under Isak’s tongue. 

He kisses Isak’s sweaty hair as the two of them wait and once the beep goes off he takes the item in his hand. 39,4. That’s bad. Really fucking bad. 

“That’s not too high,” Isak rasps as he looks at the display in Even’s hand. 

Even lets out a small chuckle despite his worry. Only Isak would say that about a 39 degree fever.

“It is bad,” Even argues. “I’ll get you some water though. Can you sit up?”

Isak nods from where he is curled up against Even and Even reluctantly lets go of Isak and quickly makes it to the kitchen where he fills a glass of water for Isak. 

“Here you go,” he says as he hands Isak the glass and watches Isak take it between his both hands. 

Isak takes a few small sips before he shakily puts the glass away.

“It hurts,” he says. 

“Where?”

Even sits down again and immediately Isak sinks down against his side again and Even wraps his arm around him. 

“Everywhere,” Isak says. “I feel sick.” 

“It’s okay,” Even says gently. “I’ve got you!”

\-  

They spend the rest of the night curled up on the couch like that. Isak with his warm cheek against Even’s shoulder and Even with his arms wrapped protectively around the other man. He makes Isak drink some water every ten minutes and gets him to swallow some paracetamol. He keeps Eskild updated on Isak’s condition and the two of them text back and forth during the night and Eskild promises that he will cover for Isak at work and let his boss know that he is sick. All Even can do now is wait. 

When the clock passes 11 pm he detangles himself from Isak and goes to the bathroom to pee and prepare for the night. He takes one of the toothbrushes he had bought earlier and brushes his teeth quickly before he returns to the room and prepares the bed for Isak. Isak’s fever has gone down slightly thanks to the paracetamol but he is still mostly out of it when Even helps him move to the bed and takes off his t-shirt and pants. 

“I’m cold,” Isak whines once his layers are off and he is left in his boxers. 

“I know, baby,” Even says. “Your fever is still bad though. But you can get under the covers if you want to.”

Even helps Isak under the covers and props him up on all the pillows he can find in the bed.

“You won’t have one…” Isak mumbles. 

Even smiles gently.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll stay on the couch.”

There is nothing he wants more than crawl into bed next to Isak but he has already overstepped several times tonight. He has used Isak’s weakness to get close to him and he can’t do that. Isak in his right state of mind would not allow Even to be so close. 

“No,” Isak whispers. “Stay with me. Please don’t leave.” 

So Even gives up and lies down next to Isak leaning against the wall so that Isak can curl up next to him and press his nose into Even’s neck. Even soon finds Isak’s hair and lets his hand run through Isak’s soft locks as he presses his lips against Isak’s forehead. 

-

He barely gets any sleep that night because Isak’s fever starts climbing again a few hours later and despite the extra pillows Isak keeps coughing the entire night. Even lies next to Isak and listens to every one of them. Calculates their intensity and listens for any sign of improvement or change. They are still thick and harsh. Still sound like they can break Isak’s chest. They still scare Even shitless. This is not a cold. This is not just a fever. This is on the edge to what Even can handle. He tries to cool Isak down with a damp towel which he gently presses against Isak’s face, and every once in a while when Isak is worried or anxious in his sleep he soothes him by holding him closer. 

The night is rough and the morning after isn’t really any better. He gives up on trying to get some sleep at 6 am and crawls out of bed, takes a quick shower in the bathroom and makes himself some coffee before he decides to check on Isak’s fever again. It’s just like it was yesterday around 39 degrees and while Even knows it is not terrible yet it scares him that his attempts to lower Isak’s temperature have barely worked. In addition Isak’s cough seems to only get worse despite the cough medicine that Even bought him yesterday, and his breathing is getting heavy and raspy. 

“How are you?” Even asks as Isak wakes up around 8 am and attempts to sit up in bed. 

“Not so good,” Isak says and gives Even a watery smile. 

“Do you want something to eat?” Even asks. “I can make you some toast if you want to.”

Isak shakes his head almost immediately. 

“I’m not hungry,” he says. “I’m just tired!” 

“You need to eat something,” Even tries. “Unless you eat your body can’t fight this so it needs some fuel so that you can get better!”

Isak rolls his eyes. 

“Maybe later,” he says. 

“Can you at least drink some water. I’m scared that you will get dehydrated.”

Isak nods and Even reaches for the glass he has already put on the nightstand. He helps Isak hold onto the glass until Isak has finished it in small and slow sips. 

“You don’t have to stay with me,” Isak says as he lies down in the bed again and curls up around himself. “You should just go home.”

“I want to stay,” Even says gently. 

“Why?” Isak whispers. 

“Because I love you,” Even says. “I love you so much and I hate to see you like this and I hate that you think you have to take care of yourself. There are so many people that care about you. Not just me but all your friends. Eskild is worried sick about you...”

“Fuck!” Isak says and makes an attempt to get out of bed. “I need to be at work.” 

Even stops him as Isak swings his legs over the edge of the bed and sways dizzyingly. 

“Eskild got you covered at work.” he says. “But Isak that is the last thing you should be thinking about. You are really ill. I’m really worried about you and you are obviously not in any shape to be working. Your boss is not going to fire you because of that. He can’t do that.” 

“Promise?” Isak asks. 

“Yeah, of course. You need to focus on yourself in order to get better. Eskild and I will take care of everything else. Why don’t you try to get some more rest. Do you want to move to the couch? We could watch a movie or something.” 

Isak shakes his head.

“Okay,” Even says. “Just lay down. I’m going to be here when you wake up.”

“Even?” 

Isak turns towards Even from where he has lied down, head resting against the mountain of pillows.

“Yes?”

“No one has ever taken care of me like this,” Isak mumbles.

Even moves closer to Isak and strokes his cheek carefully. Suddenly Isak is crying and Even feels like he might do too. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to hear Isak confess that he doesn’t even remember his parents taking care of him when he is sick. That must be so awful being a child and having to fend for yourself even when you are sick. With no one to feed you toast or check your temperature. 

“Oh, Isak!” he says sadly. “I’m here now!” 

-

Isak continues to get worse during the day. He doesn’t want to eat or drink anything and spends the whole day sleeping. Even only wakes him up to force him to take a few sips of water and swallow another paracetamol but when Isak throws it all up ten minutes later Even doesn’t dare to try again. He can’t risk having Isak throw up again. He’ll just have to monitor Isak’s fever closely and feed him teaspoons of water just like his own parents used to when he was sick and kept throwing up.

As the evening comes they are both curled up on the bed and Even holds Isak in his arms tightly. He has no idea if Isak will let him when he gets better. He is scared that Isak will push him away once he is healthy again and strong enough to put on a fight. Maybe it is selfish but Even wants to hold onto this moment for as long as he can. Isak is calm and out of it for the most part but once he starts to shiver and his fever rises he starts to mumble in his sleep. Between rough coughs and raspy breaths he deliriously mumbles to himself and all Even can do is hold him close and keep bathing Isak’s face with the damp towel. 

“Baby, wake up,” Even says when Isak’s mumbles turns into frantic pleas. “It’s okay. You are okay. I’m right here with you and I’m not going to leave.”

“What?” Isak whispers and looks at Even, clearly still confused and out of it. “I’m cold...Even,” he whines. 

“I know, your fever is getting really bad. I have to try to cool you down. Do you think you can drink some more water? And let me take your temperature again?”

“Okay,” Isak says reluctantly. “I’m sorry...” 

Even shakes his head and kisses Isak’s forehead as he reaches for the thermometer and water bottle. 

“Don’t you dare apologise!” 

He sticks the thermometer into Isak’s mouth. 

“Fuck, Isak! This is getting really bad,” he says once it beeps and the display says 40,2. “You need a doctor!”

“I’m a doctor,” Isak mumbles. “Soon!”

Even takes a few breaths and tries to calm down. He can’t panic now. He needs to get Isak to a doctor and he needs to try to get his fever down. He feels like crying. He is not good at this. He has no idea what to do or how to take care of Isak, That’s all he has been trying to do since yesterday but Isak only gets worse and worse. 

“It hurts to breathe,” Isak mumbles. 

“I know, baby,” Even says as he finds Eskild’s number on his phone and presses the phone to his ear with his shoulder so that he can use both his hands to help Isak drink. 

Eskild picks up on the first ring.

“I just got off from work! How is Isak?”

“Not good to be honest. I think I should take him to the ER,” Even says and rubs his eyes tiredly. “I wanted to wait until the morning when they are hopefully a little less busy, or even go to the doctor’s office but he is so sick I don’t want to wait that long. He’s not eaten anything and I’m scared he is getting dehydrated. I’ve tried to make him drink something but he just wants to sleep. His fever is 40,2 and his breathing is getting really bad. He is completely out of it and I don’t know what to do.”

“Fuck,” Eskild says. “I’m… I’ll get in my car and drive over to your house. Just take care of him until then. I’ll be there in 20 minutes!” 

-

Eskild arrives less than 20 minutes later and the two of them manage to get Isak dressed in Even’s hoodie and ready for Eskild’s car. As Even helps Isak with his shoes, Eskild collects Isak’s wallet and phone and a charger and puts everything in his bag. 

“Where are we going?” Isak asks as Even shakes him awake. 

“The hospital,” Even says gently. “You need a doctor, Isak. Eskild is driving us.”

He expects Isak to protest but Isak just nods weakly. 

“Okay. Eskild is here too?” 

Even nods and smiles.

“He is!” 

“I’m tired,” Isak says. “I want to go to sleep again.” 

“You can sleep once we get into the car,” Even promises. “You just have to walk down the stairs first. Eskild and I will help you. Do you think you can make it?”

“Yeah…” Isak says. “You are not going to carry me right?”

Even shakes his head as he helps Isak stand on shaky legs.

“No,” he says “You have to walk by yourself,” 

“Good,” Isak pants as Even guides him towards the front door where Eskild is waiting. “I don’t want you to drop me!” 

-

Isak has pneumonia and Even wants to cry. 

After hours in the waiting room Isak had finally gotten a bed a nurse had taken his temperature, blood pressure and drew some blood from him before hooking him up to an IV because he was definitely dehydrated. Isak had barely reacted to the treatment which had done little to calm Even down. As soon as she left Isak had fallen asleep again. They had waited another hour before a middle age doctor turned up. He had listened to Isak’s lungs and examined him and come to the conclusion that Isak likely had pneumonia. The chest x-ray had confirmed it and the doctor had decided to keep Isak overnight. To get his fluids up, monitor his fever and make sure he was responding to the antibiotics. 

“You should go home and get some rest,” Eskild says gently as walks up to where Even is sitting next to Isak and hands him a cup of coffee. 

Isak is sleeping, finally resting a little more comfortably. The IVs have helped and so have the painkillers Isak has been given. His breathing is still raspy though. 

Even shakes his head firmly and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. 

“I’m not leaving,” he says. “I can’t leave him.” 

Next to him Eskild sighs. 

“You’ve not been sleeping since yesterday. You need rest. I can stay with Isak during the night and you can come back in the morning. They’re just going to keep him overnight to see that he is responding to treatment and make sure that the fever gets down a little.”

“I’m going to stay with him,” Even repeats. 

He clutches Isak’s hand in his, rubbing Isak’s knuckles softly. He should have taken Isak to a doctor sooner. As soon as he heard Isak’s cough he should have realised that this was more than he could handle. Then maybe Isak wouldn’t be here overnight, in a place that Even knows freaks him out hooked up to IVs and different monitors. He’s been in the hospital a couple of times himself and both times he had felt scared despite having his parents next to him. He is not going to leave Isak alone in this place. 

“Okay,” Eskild says and when Even looks at him he realises that Eskild must be as exhausted as Even is. 

After all Eskild has worked the whole day and then spent the rest of the night stuck in the busy ER with Isak. It is now in the middle of the night and the three of them are exhausted. Isak may be sleeping but Even is still too scared and guilty to even leave Isak’s side to go to the bathroom. 

“Thank you, Eskild,” he says and offers a small smile. “For looking out for Isak and driving us here. You are a good friend!

“No worries,” Eskild says. “I’m just glad he finally let us take care of him. That he let you take care of him.”

“I should have done something sooner,” Even says tightly. 

“This is not your fault,” Eskild says. 

“It feels like it is,” Even sighs and smoothes the blanket that covers Isak’s legs. 

“Then it is also my fault,” Eskild says. “And Einar’s and Sana’s. We all knew Isak was sick and we all tried to help him and tell him to go home. He is just too stubborn for his own good. He is going to be okay, Even. The doctors said he is going to be fine and tomorrow he will hopefully be home again.” 

Even nods absently. Despite the doctor’s reassuring words that he had done the right thing and brought Isak in and that Isak is going to be okay,  Even is still feeling worried. 

“I just hate seeing him like this,” he whispers and kisses Isak’s hand. “I hate that he doesn’t want to let people take care of him because no one has ever done it before.”

“You really love him don’t you?” Eskild asks quietly. 

“Yes,” Even says without taking his eyes off the sleeping man in front of him. “I really do” 

Eskild leaves the hospital shortly after and Even lets out a breath he had not been aware he had been holding. He moves the chair closer to the bed and trails Isak’s hairline with his fingers. 

“Hey,” he whispers as Isak begins to stir. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.” 

“Hey,” Isak says with a faint smile “It’s okay,” 

“How are you feeling?” Even asks quietly and rests his hand on Isak’s shoulder.

“Better,” Isak says. “What time is it? When can I get out of here?”

Even nods and looks down at his watch.

“A little after 4. The doctors think you will be able to go home in the morning. Unless something happens but you are already doing better than when we brought you in.” he says and bites his lip “You really scared me, Isak.” he adds seriously. 

Isak’s smile disappears and with a grimace he looks down on his lap. Even follows Isak’s eyes as they wander from the blanket covered leg to the IV on the back of Isak’s hand. 

“Sorry,” Isak replies slowly and looks at Even again.

“You need to take better care of yourself. And you need to let others help you. This is serious. And it could have been even worse,” Even says gently.

He doesn’t want Isak to think that he is mad at him but he also can’t hide the frustration he is feeling. 

“It’s just really hard,” Isak says. 

“What is?” Even asks. 

“I don’t know? Keeping a balance? I try to but everything is just so hard. I don’t know what to do since we broke up. I feel lost and I don’t know how to fix it. I just want to stop feeling. I want to stop missing you but I can’t. I miss you every day. It doesn’t matter how many hours of work I squeeze in or how hard I study. It still hurts.”

Even’s heart breaks a little and he swallows against the thick lump that is quickly forming in his throat. 

“I miss you too,” he says and squeezes Isak’s hand tightly.  “And I love you so much.” 

“I love you too,” Isak says tiredly and his eyes threaten to close but before they do they once again travel down, this time to their joint hands. 

There is so much Even wants to say to Isak but he knows that now is not the time. The only thing that matters right now is Isak getting better again. He will have to wait until Isak is ready for it. Both physically and mentally, and until then he is going to do anything in his power to be there for Isak. 

“Try to get some more sleep, okay?” he says. “I’ll be here when you wake up. Then we’ll go home.” 

Isak closes his eyes and curls up on his side, hand still grasping Even’s, their fingers intertwined. 

“Even?” he mumbles through closed eyes. 

“Yeah?” Even asks and straightens his back slightly and winces as the muscles scream in protest. 

“Thank you for being here with me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? Was it fluffy enough? Let me know what you thought in the comments. It would mean a lot to me. 
> 
> So it wasn't just a cold! It might have started as one but since Isak had no chill and kept pushing it resulted in something worse. But he is going to be absolutely fine!. He just needs some time to recover. So despite it being mainly a sick!Isak chapter a few things did happen. Even tried to prove to Isak that he is reliable and that he will never let Isak down again (or try his best to) He took care of Isak and Isak let down his guard completely. He is not used to being looked after and he is bad at it. But Even is patient and just what Isak needs. Also Eskild came face to face with Even finally. He has always been wary of Even, especially after Isak has told him his version of what happened and he is not fond of the person who broke Isak's heart. He is protective and tells Even just what he thinks about him and it is not pretty. Even however is firm and stands his ground. After coming to the realisation that he is not going to let Ellie's opinion stop him he is certainly not going to let Eskild's. He knows he loves Isak and he only cares about what Isak thinks. Of course Eskild is not blind and he an see that Even loves Isak and he is worried about Isak aswell but caught up at work. 
> 
> Then we have Ellie who has had some more time to think and reflect. She realises what Even really loves Isak and that he won't be fully happy without him. This is of course a huge relief for Even but at the moment he doesn't have time to focus on that. He just needs to look after Isak which he is very good at. He is freaking out and scared and doesn't now how to handle things but he is doing his best. 
> 
> Next chapter will include some much anticipated Ellie and Isak moments :D She will try to make amends in her own way. Any guesses?


	21. Only you can decide what is best for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the wait. The weekend was busy and the beginning of the week as though at work. I'm not sure when I'll be able to start writing the next chapter either but thank you for your patience! I feel like the chapter gets less and less angsty now which could be good! 
> 
> As always thank you so much for the amazing reponse. You are all spoiling me and I feel so happy, inspired and grateful! And thank you Steffi for still wanting to be my beta <3

_He is trapped in a world of vivid colours and tangled sheets. It’s dark and there are voices he doesn’t recognise. They talk but he doesn’t understand. He wants his parents but they are nowhere around. He is all alone again. When he screams no sound comes out and as he moves he gets even more stuck. He is burning and he can’t breathe._

Isak wakes up with his heart beating frantically inside his chest. It’s dark in the room but he can clearly hear noises all around him. For a second he is scared that he has been abandoned, but it doesn’t take long before he can feel Even’s hand softly holding his. He looks to the side and realises that Even is still here with him. As his eyes get used to the dark room he can clearly make out Even’s shape next to him, and if he listens carefully he can hear his soft breaths. The other man is sleeping, sitting up in the hard, plastic chair. He must be exhausted Isak thinks. He has no idea how long they have been here for because everything is a blur but he knows they have been here for hours. He barely remembers the ride to the ER or the long hours in the waiting room. It’s just bits and pieces really of him feeling exhausted and in pain, barely being able to breathe. He remembers Even’s soothing voice, and his hand rubbing comforting circles on Isak’s back with every painful breath or cough while the other hand never let go of Isak’s. He remembers Eskild being there somewhere in the background, hand resting on Isak’s knee or squeezing his shoulder. He remembers cold hands and needles. He can feel himself starting to panic as the memories return and now that he is able to think more clearly he is freaking out. The needles from the IVs hurt and his chest is still achy and sore.

Isak tries to take a calming breath, reluctant to wake Even up. He closes his eyes again as tears well up in his eyes and he bites his lip harshly. He lies completely still for a little while, crying silently and trying to focus on Even’s hand in his. Trying to focus on the sound of Even’s calm breaths. Tying to remember that he is not alone. That he has not been abandoned.

A sob involuntary escapes from his throat which then leads to a painful cough and immediately Even sits up straighter and leans forward.

“Hey,” he says quietly and helps Isak sit up and starts rubbing Isak’s back. “You are okay.”

Then Even seems to notice the tears in Isak’s eyes and his face falls.

“What’s wrong?” he asks worriedly. “Are you in pain? Can you breathe? Are you feeling sick? I can get you someone if you need to?”

“Don’t leave!” Isak manages and blinks away his tears and rubs his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Okay,” Even says. “I’m not going to leave. Just tell me what is wrong!”

“I’m scared,” Isak says shamefully because he shouldn’t be scared of hospitals, it shouldn’t freak him out.

“You are going to be okay,” Even says. “I’m here with you!”

-

Isak gets to go home around noon on Sunday. The doctors seem pleased that he is responding to the antibiotics and his fever has come down significantly since he came in. He is not dehydrated anymore and hasn’t thrown up since yesterday.

“Let’s take you home,” Even says softly as he helps Isak into the car and gets behind the wheel.

Isak is still exhausted and it feels like he has barely slept at all and as he looks over to Even he can see that Even has not slept either. There are dark circles underneath Even’s blue eyes and his hair is messy. Isak is dressed in Even’s hoodie and wrapped in one of the blankets from Even’s sofa. He expects Even to drive him back to his place but then Even takes a left instead of a right and Isak realises that they are on their way back to Even’s. Too tired to reflect on what it means for them, Isak rests his head against the cool window and closes his eyes. He is asleep within seconds, comforted by the sound of traffic outside and Even’s quiet hums.

Once they are home, Even helps Isak from the car and puts him to bed. The sheets are nice and crisp and the duvet warm and fluffy.

“I’ll be right back,” Even says and kisses Isak’s temple. “Try to stay awake. I’m going to make you some tea!”

Half an hour later Isak once again finds himself wrapped up in Even’s arms, resting his head on Even’s chest. He has finished most of his tea and is now lying next to Even, eyes closed as he focuses on Even’s heartbeat underneath his ear.

At one point he must have fallen asleep because when  he wakes up again it is getting dark outside. Even is still sitting next to him, talking quietly on his phone. “Yeah, I know,” he says into the phone. “Yeah it was pretty bad for a while but we are at home now and he is resting.”

He smiles when he notices that Isak is awake. Isak listens to what Even is saying, trying to figure out who Even is talking to. He can’t really hear the other person, Maybe it is Eskild wanting an update.

“He just woke up now but he has been sleeping for the whole day...Yes I will...Yeah you too. I’ll keep you updated. Yeah, okay...bye.”

Even hangs up with a small smile.

“Mutta says hello and to feel better,” he says.

Isak gives him a slightly confused look and Even chuckles.

“I texted the boys in the morning to tell them what happened. I talked to my parents as well. Mom says to feel better too. Anyway, how are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” Isak says honestly as he leans into Even’s touch as the other man cups his face gently.

-

Pneumonia sucks. That much Isak knows by now. The first two days after he gets home he spends sleeping almost all the time. Even takes care of him and makes sure he takes his medicine and leaves water bottles for Isak on the nightstand before leaving for work. Eskild comes by to check on him for a few hours while Even is at work and it seems like he and Even have struck up some kind of weird friendship. At least they have made some kind of deal to look after Isak since he, according to Eskild, “is doing such a poor job doing it himself”

“Have you told him that you are moving in with me?” Eskild asks from where he sits crossed legged at the end of the bed.

Isak shakes his head. He is sitting up, knees drawn to his chest. Eskild has bought him some sushi on his way over and so far Isak has managed four pieces which is more than he has eaten in a while.

“No, I mean it is not like we are back together or anything,” he sighs. “When I’m better I’ll just go back to my place.”

Eskild gives him a strange look but doesn’t say anything.

“What?” Isak says.

“Nothing,” Eskild says. “I’m just glad you are doing better. Things were pretty bad a few days ago. I’m glad Even was with you.”

Isak smiles.

“Never thought I’d hear you say that,” he jokes. “You’ve never been his biggest fan.”

“No, I guess not. And it’s not like I completely trust him yet but he took care of you and if it wasn’t for him it could have been even worse. Why Isak? Why don’t you let anyone take care of you? Going to work or uni sick is not cute or anything. It’s stupid and reckless, Isak!”

Isak puts down his half eaten sushi and sinks down on the bed again. It is not an accusation despite the harsh words but he knows Eskild is serious.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I really am. I know it was stupid. I just didn’t want to stop and think. It usually hurts too much. And I’m not used to people taking care of me like that and I thought I could just power through without having to worry others. I didn’t think it was serious enough to bother you.”

“Well, you need to stop thinking like that,” Eskild says. “It’s not going to be healthy for you in the long run. People need people, Isak. And no one is stronger alone.”

Isak nods quietly and looks down on his lap.

“So what do you think I should do with Even?” he asks.

Eskild shakes his head.

“I don’t think it really matters what I think. Or anyone else. What matters is what you want to do. He clearly loves you so much and he wants to be with you but you need to want it too.”

“I really do love him,” Isak says. “ And I want be to be with him. At least I think I do. I don’t know if everything can get back to normal. That’s all.”

“That’s understandable,” Eskild says. “I’m not going to tell you what you do but no matter what you decide I’ll be there for you. And so will a lot of other people. Just take your time. Maybe giving yourself some time to just think won’t be such a bad idea.”

-

He feels a little better when he wakes up on the third day back from hospital. Even has left for work and the apartment is empty and quiet. Isak takes his meds and swallows them down with a little bit of water. He leans against the headboard and checks his phone properly for the first time in days and starts to reply to a few texts.

 

 

 **Hey mom! I hope you are okay.**  
**I’m sorry I’ve not visited you**  
**anymore.I’ve been**  
**sick and had to go to**  
**the hospital for a little while**  
**but I’m okay now so don’t**  
**worry about me. I just wanted**  
**you to know. Even is looking after me**  
**and so are my other**  
**friends. I love you mom.**

 **Oh my son! I’ll always worry**  
**about you. No matter how old you get!**  
**I’m glad you are better now. I hope I**  
**get to see you soon. I miss you and I love**  
**you. Take care of yourself**!

He sends a similar text to the boys, explaining why he has been missing in action for a few days. He also replies to Sana since she has left him a worried text a couple of days ago which confirms his suspicions that Elias has told her. He gives her a short update, telling her he is doing better and that he is with Even. Before he has the chance to put his phone down again the group chat goes wild with texts as Magnus and Mahdi bombards him with questions and soon enough Jonas has joined in on the conversation as well.

 

**Fuck man! That’s serious**  
**Are you okay?**

**Yeah, that’s really**  
**really bad :(**

**Is there anything**  
**we can do for you?**

**When did you get home?**  
**You should have called earlier!**  
**You need to take better**  
**care of yourself :( pneumonia**  
**is serious?**

**Don’t scold him, Magnus.**  
**Do you want me to come by later?**  
**I can keep you company?**

**Sorry :/ I’m just worried**  
**about you. Do you need anything?**  
**I know I’m in Bergen but I could**  
**order you some food online or something.**

**Wait you are at Even’s? Are**  
**you two back together? When**  
**did that happen? That’s cool**  
**if you are.**

**Just chill, Mags!**

**Will you call me later if**  
**you have the energy? :)**

 

Isak quickly types out a response before their conversation can escalate further.

 

 **I’m a lot better now. I’m**  
**going to be fine :) Thanks though!**  
**I’m with Even so right now I’m**  
**good. We are not together though.**  
**It’s pretty complicated I guess.**  
**Haha, thank you Mags!**  
**And Mahdi of course <3**  
**I’ll call you later Jonas :)**  
**I’m going to take a shower now!**  
**Okay feel better, man!**  
**Let me know if there is**  
**anything I can do :)**  
**Take care of yourself**!

**Okay feel better, man!**

**Let me know if there is**  
**anything I can do :)**

**Take care of yourself!**

He receives a reply from Sana telling him to get some more rest and that the two of them can study for the exam once he is feeling better again. Isak finds himself smiling as he reads all the texts from his friends. It feels good to know that they care about him. That a lot of people do.

He takes a shower and dresses in fresh clothes and while he feels exhausted once he is done he also feels much better. He makes his way back to the living room and decides to sit down on the couch instead of returning to Even’s bedroom. After spending two days just sleeping and barely leaving Even’s bed it feels nice to have the energy to actually sit up. He bundles up on the couch with a blanket over his legs and watches some TV for a little while. It’s not often he watches TV during the day but daytime tv might be the most boring thing in the world but soon enough Isak finds him weirdly intrigued by one of the British soaps that is on.

-

He wakes up to someone shaking his shoulder and for a moment he thinks it is Even who has returned from work but as he lifts his head he realises that it is Ellie who is home. In the few days he has been there he has barely seen her at all. She has been in school and Isak has been asleep almost all the time. But now she is standing there in front of him, a timid smile on her face.

“Hey,” she says from where she is crouching in front of him.

“Hi,” he says. “Uh what time is it?”

“Almost four,” she says. “Dad will be home soon too.”

Isak nods quietly, contemplating returning to Even's bedroom so she can have the living area for herself.

“I bought you some ice cream from the store,” Ellie continues and holds up a bag in front of him. “Dad said you’re not really hungry a lot but I figured ice cream would be nice if your throat is sore or something. Or just because it is ice cream.”

Her voice is soft, so unlike the harsh tone he has come to expect from her. Her eyes are soft too and look so much like Even’s it is almost scary.

“I didn’t know which one you like but I bought salted caramel. Dad likes it a lot and I figured you may too. Do you want me to make you some?”

Isak can only nod. He feels confused by her behaviour. Maybe Even has told her to look after him. That would make sense since Even has been so reluctant to go to work. But it also feels like this was Ellie’s initiative. Either way Isak is surprised by how friendly and non hostile she is towards him.. He can hear Ellie make her way around the kitchen and a few minutes later she returns with two bowls of ice cream and two spoons.

“Thank you,” Isak says as he accepts one of them from her and sits up.

“Can I join you?” she asks and nods towards the TV.

“Sure,” Isak says.

Ellie sits down at the other end of the couch and draws her knees towards her chest. Her legs are long just like Even’s but she has cut her hair and it now ends around her shoulders. The cut makes her look older and her sharp jaw stands out even more.

“I wanted to tell you I’m really sorry,” she says. “For how I treated you before. When dad introduced us to each other. I was so mean to you and I’m really sorry. I’m sorry that I said you couldn’t make dad happy and that I doubted your love for him. I’m sorry I said you were using him. I took all my anger and frustration out on you even if I knew you made dad happy. I saw you as a threat to my own happiness and security and I couldn’t stand the thought of losing dad to someone...”

“You’ll never lose him,” Isak says quietly.

“I know that,” Ellie says. “Now I know that but when you two started going out he never told me. He just started acting weird and then I walked in on the two of you and everything became such a mess in my head. I could feel dad slipping away from me. All of a sudden you were there all the time or he was with you somewhere else. He smiled all the time when he thought about you and it looked like someone had lit a light inside him. He didn’t notice me the way he used to and it made me feel scared that I was going to lose him. Therefore I hated you.”

Isak can’t help but flinch.

“I don’t hate you,” Ellie says sadly. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I was just scared and I know that is not a real excuse, but it is the truth. Everything was falling apart. My friend got a boyfriend whom she spent all her time with and suddenly she didn’t have time for me. Dad didn’t even notice and I was scared that he was going to abandon me just like mom did.”

Just like Isak’s dad did.

“She left me for a guy and I was so certain that dad was going to do the same. All I could see in his eyes when he looked at you was happiness. He hadn’t looked this happy in years and that made me even more scared. If I couldn’t make him happy but you could he would most definitely leave me. I know I fucked it up between you two and I’m so sorry for that. Dad was so sad when he had broken up with you but he hid it so that I wouldn’t notice. He acted like he wasn’t sad to not worry anyone but I could hear him cry sometimes and I could tell he wasn’t okay. He was a mess. He just buried himself with work and taking care of me and I pretended that it was what I wanted. That it was going to be okay. That we were okay but we weren’t. Dad wasn’t happy. He is not happy without you…”

“I…” Isak starts, unsure on what else to say.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Ellie says quietly and looks down on her lap. “I just want you to know that I’m really sorry and I hope that we can start over or something. Just be civil with each other for dad’s sake. If you get back together.  He loves you so much and you have made him so happy but I know it’s more than that. He was destroyed when he left you but he still did it because he thought he had to do it. For me. I know he hurt you but he also hurt himself. And he always does that. Sacrifices his own happiness for the sake of others. He wasn’t happy when he was without you. He wasn’t the same person anymore because something inside him was missing. I just want you to know that. I know he hurt you a lot but it was my fault and I don’t want him to lose you because of what I did.”

Isak clears his throat.

“It is not that easy,” he says. “It’s not just what you did. It is more complicated than that.”

“I know-” Elle interrupts frantically but Isak continues speaking.

“I love Even a lot. More than I have loved anyone before and losing that… I’m not sure I could do it again.”

Ellie nods slowly and grimaces sadly. She takes a few spoonfuls of ice cream before standing up from the couch.

“I should let you rest,” she says and turns away to walk into the kitchen again.

“Ellie!” Isak calls out and she turns around. “Thank you. I really appreciate you telling me this. And I know how much it hurts when a parent leaves you. I used to do a lot of bad things when I was your age because I was hurting. It only made me feel shittier to be honest and I can never excuse it to anyone. But I understand why you did what you did. I really do.”

Ellie gives him a small but appreciative smile.

“Thank you, Isak,” she says. “You should get some rest. I’ll start dinner.”

Isak curls up on the couch again and listens to the sounds of Ellie preparing dinner in the kitchen. It feels weird lying there, listening to her cooking. Their talk is a lot to take in and while she had seemed sincere about being sorry Isak’s heart is still so full of doubt about everything. He is not sure if he is ready to trust Even again and he is not sure he is ready to make amends with Ellie just like that. Just because Isak got sick and Even took care of him doesn’t mean that things have suddenly changed. He’s not even sure Even will still want him once he is back on his feet again. Before he knows it he is drifting off to sleep and when he wakes up an hour later it is to Even leaning down and kissing his lips softly.

-

Sana comes by the next day, bringing a few notes for him and a huge paper bag of food that her mother has cooked for him. She puts all of the containers on the kitchen island before joining him on the couch.

“How are you feeling?” she asks as he sits down and looks around in the room.

Iska wonders if she has been here before.

“Better,” Isak says, clearing his throat as he reaches for the bottle of water on the coffee table. He feels a little better than yesterday but still far from normal.

“Good, because then I can yell at you,” Sana says and gives him a stern look. “For being a stubborn idiot.”

Isak closes his eyes. He’s really not in a mood for a lecture. Eskild has already given him one and he suspects Even has one in store for him too. Although he would rather be lectured by the two of them than Sana.

“Please don’t yell,” he pleads.

Sana sighs but her expression softens slightly. Only slightly though.

“Okay I’m not going to yell,” she promises. “But seriously Isak? What were you thinking was going to happen? You and I both know you were really sick and needed to rest. I told you several times.”

“It’s not like I planned for this to happen,” Isak says defensively. “It just did!”

“Because you never listen and you are too stubborn,” Sana says and rolls her eyes. “Getting hospitalised for pneumonia is serious. Elderly people get hospitalised for that or babies, but not 20-year-old men.”

There is a moment of silence before she continues.

“You need to take better care of yourself. You’ve not done that in ages and look what happened. People worry about you when it is so clear that you are not healthy.”

“Sorry,” Isak mutters. “I didn’t mean to worry anyone. I wanted to look after myself. I don’t want anyone to worry about me all the time. It feels like I always make people worry about me.”

Sana smiles softly.

“I know that, Isak,” she says. “But you have to allow us to do that. It’s what friends do. We take care of each other and when someone is not doing good we worry.”

She stops talking and Isak smirks.

“Were you worried about me?” he asks teasingly.

Sana snorts.

“No, I don’t worry about anything,” she says hurriedly and shakes her head unconvincingly.

Isak rolls his eyes.

“Whatever,” he says with a wide grin.

“Okay maybe I did worry a little bit,” Sana says.

“But only a little?” Isak jokes.

“Yeah only a little,” Sana says and measures between her thumb and index finger.

A few seconds pass and the two of them look at each other in silence.

“I was really worried about you,” Sana says quietly. “When Elias said you were in the hospital and everything. Just… don’t ever scare me like that again.”

“I promise,” Isak says seriously.

-

It takes several days before Isak actually feels better again but until then he stays with Even. He studies for his exam for a few hours every day while Even is at work and spends the rest of the time either napping or watching TV. When Even gets home from work they walk around the block together and then have dinner. Sometimes Ellie eats with them and sometimes it is just the two of them. They watch some netflix on the couch before Isak feels tired and the two of them go to bed. Sometimes Even joins him under the covers straight away and sometimes he stays up for a little while longer working on his computer while Isak sleeps next to him. Even always kisses Isak’s cheek before turning off the light.

It would be perfect if it wasn’t for the gnawing feeling inside Isak’s stomach.

“I should probably go home,” he says two days later.

He is almost back to normal now and definitely fit enough to look after himself. He is still tired and his cough is persistent but other than that he feels a lot better than a week and a half ago.

“Oh,” Even says. “Are you sure? You don’t have to. You can stay here if you want to!”

Isak doesn’t know what he wants but it feels like it is the right thing to do. They still need more time and they need to talk.

“Yes,” he says watching Even’s face fall visibly. “I think I have to. I have to prepare for my exam and stuff. I think we both need some space. And we need to talk too.”

Even looks down at the floor but nods.

“It just feels so good to be close to you again,” he says. “I don’t want to let you go…”

“I want to be close to you too but I need this. I’m not sure where I stand at the moment and I need some time to figure everything out. Besides I’m moving in with Eskild at the end of the month…”

He tries to be gentle because the last thing he wants to do is hurt Even, especially after everything Even had done for him this past week.

“Oh,” Even says again. “You are?”

Isak nods.

“His roommate is moving out and he needs to find a new one and my apartment is so expensive. This way I could probably cut down my hours a lot which would give me more time to do other things and I wouldn’t have to stress as much.”

Even nods and Isak knows exactly what he is thinking. If they hadn’t fucked up back in spring maybe Isak would have moved in with Even instead. If they had done things differently from the beginning maybe that is what would have happened.

Even looks unhappy and it breaks Isak’s heart.

“Can I at least hug you?” Even says quietly  and Isak nods.

As they hug he can feel Even bury his nose into Isak’s shoulder and he wraps his arm tightly around Even’s body. He stands on his tippy toes and kisses Even’s hair.

-

Isak goes home that night and they don’t see each other for a few days. Isak uses the last couple of days to prepare for his exam along with Sana.The exam goes better than expected and Isak feels more than relieved when he exits the room. Now he has almost a week off until he starts his internship at the hospital. He can’t wait. And tomorrow Jonas will come back home. Isak, Mahdi and even Magnus are going to drive together to the airport and pick him up. Magnus is still way too excited but at least Isak and Mahdi have talked him out of embarrassing themselves with stupid hats. It’s been a long time since he was in such a good mood and things felt this good.

**How did the exam go? <3**

**I hope you did okay <3**

**I know you did. You are amazing!**  
**Would it be okay if I took you**  
**out for dinner? :)**

**That was maybe too much.**  
**I'm sorry if I made things awkward:(**

**I'll give you some space!**

**Just call or text me when you want to :)**

 

Isak checks his phone on the tram and reads the texts from Even with a smile on his face. They have not talked much since Isak left Even’s apartment and Isak has not had much time to think about where the two of them stand.

Isak is back on his feet which means he doesn’t depend on Even or someone else to look after him anymore. They still haven’t talked like they promised each other they would. With Isak sick it hadn’t been the right time but now it feels like they won’t be able to prolong it much longer. HIs fingers hover over the keyboard on the screen as he tries to come up with something to reply but he ends up just putting his phone back into his pocket. He needs more time to figure out what he wants to do.

Ellie has been weirdly supportive of them getting back together which is still a difficult thought to get around tand when Isak had explained everything that happened to Sana she had seemed pretty open to the idea of him and Even getting back together. Even Eskild had been supportive of the idea.

“Only you can decide what is best for you,” Sana had said and it feels like both her and Eskild are using the same tired words.

It should be easy. Only Isak is still confused because while hearing from Even makes his heart swell his brain tells him to take a step back. To never trust Even again. To not risk getting hurt. His heart wants Even but his brain says no. It doesn’t feel fair at all what he is doing to the both of them and he knows that he is killing Even with his fears. Isak wishes it didn’t feel like Even had laid down his heart for Isak to pick or leave but that is how he feels at the moment.

Isak is torn because how can he trust that he won’t get hurt again? How can he know that Even won’t leave like that again? Everything is a mess and Isak has no idea what to do and  there is only one person he wants to talk to at this moment.

-

When Jonas texts him late the night after and asks if he wants to grab a kebab Isak is quick to say yes. He’s been waiting for some time alone with his best friend. Jonas’ family had invited him over for dinner but it had felt a bit rude to interfere when Jonas had just gotten back so he had politely declined their offer but promised to come by later that week instead. Then there had been Mahdi and Magnus who, of course, had been just as happy as Isak to have Jonas back. The four of them had grabbed some lunch before Jonas got home again.

“So how are you feeling?” Jonas asks again and studies Isak as he waits for an answer.

They are sitting at their usual table at the kebab place they used to go to all the time when they went to Nissen. The two of them used to go there at least once a week apart from the period when Isak pretty much isolated himself from everyone. Isak has missed this, them just hanging out casually and spontaneously.

“Good,” Isak says with a smile. “I’m back to normal pretty much.”

Jonas nods.

“That’s good!” he says. “It must have been pretty scary. Being in the hospital and everything.”

Isak shrugs as he digs into his food.

“It was okay. I wasn't really alone so…Even was with me. And Eskild. It was just scary to wake up at night.”

Jonas nods for him to elaborate.

“I had a nightmare,” Isak explains. “Or a lot of nightmares I guess…”

“About what?” Jonas asks.

“Mom and dad. Being alone. Them not being there when I need them… you know...nothing new really!”

Jonas nods because he does know. These nightmares are not new, even now at 21 Isak is still having them whenever he is sick. All it took was one messed up decision from his parents where they had decided that eleven-year-old Isak could take care of himself when he was sick and they both had left him home alone to fend for himself. It had not gone well to say the least and now Isak dreams of being abandoned and tangled up in sweaty sheets with no one to hear his pleas.

“Even was there though,” Isak repeats. “So I was fine.”

“What's the deal with the two of you?” Jonas asks curiously.

“I don't know, honestly,” Isak sighs. “We are not together or anything…”

“But he took care of you when you were sick?” Jonas asks and Isak nods.

“Yeah, he did. I was really sick and then he just showed up at my doorstep for some reason and well, he took care of me. He stayed with me the whole time and took me to the ER. Then back to his place. I don't know where we stand now. We have not talked about it.”

Jonas nods thoughtfully and takes a bite of his kebab.

“You should talk to him then,” Jonas says and Isak can't help but roll his eyes.

“No but listen to me,” Jonas says. “Obviously you need to talk I just mean that you should just ask him what he wants. What he thinks about all this. Just be straightforward.”

“But I don't even know what I feel,” Isak says. I know I love him and that I miss him but I'm scared I will get hurt again. It feels like I can't trust him fully.”

“That's understandable and I think you should be honest about those fears. There is no guarantee that he won't hurt you again or that you won't hurt him. People make mistakes all the time but I think the most important thing is how we react to them and we try to do better. Maybe that is what Even wants to do? Look I've not met him and I obviously don't like that he hurt you but I doubt that he is a bad person. It seems like he loves you and that he did some shitty stuff that hurt you but that he has a big and caring heart?”

Isak nods.

“Things are just complicated. His daughter used to hate me and now she’s been friendly and nice to me and says she would be okay if Even and I got together again. It is just weird.”

“But maybe she is okay with it?” Jonas says calmly. “Maybe she has realised that you are not a threat to her and that you are good for Even and all.”

“Maybe…” Isak says. “I just wish it was that simple. I mean she was probably one of the reasons why we broke up but I feel like it is more complicated than that. Even left me and he used all my insecurities against me. He said he would never choose me. I felt like he didn't prioritise me. Like he didn't care that I needed him. Maybe I should be over it but I don't think I can be, Jonas.”

“You don't have to be over it, Isak. But if you love him maybe it is worth giving it another shot. He may hurt you again. He likely will and you will probably hurt him too. You tend to hurt people close to you. It's human. So maybe it is better to give it a shot and take things slow. It doesn't have to mean that you trust him completely right away or that you need to forgive everything. You can still be hurt about it but even if you met someone else there are still no guarantees you wouldn't be hurt again. I don't want you to feel miserable or lonely just because you are scared. I want to see you happy.”

“Even used to make me feel like the happiest person on earth,” Isak says quietly.

“And now?”

“I don't know…” Isak whispers.

“Maybe he could again?” Jonas asks.

Isak nods and as they finish their kebabs he tries to make sense of what hai friend has said as well as his own complicated feelings. He had kind of hoped that his talk to Jonas would have given him more answers but he knows Jonas and his other friends are right. Only he can know what is right for him. Only he can decide what he wants to do. He thinks about what Jonas has said to him about hurting the people close to him and he can’t help but think about the people he has hurt in his life because of his own fears and insecurities. How he has let his own pain make him act selfish and horrible to the people closest to him. Those people have forgiven him even if he might not deserve it. Maybe Isak can do the same? Maybe he can forgive and forget and move on? Maybe it is worth it? Maybe it is better to be happy and risk losing it than never find true happiness again? Maybe it is better to love and risk being broken than feeling lonely for the rest of his life?  Deep down he knows the answer to his questions. He just needs to talk to Even first.

-

 **You can take me**  
**out for dinner :)**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you liked this chapter! Please tell me what you thought! Isak is getting better but as he is starting to feel well again his thoughst comes back and he thinks alot about him and Even and whether or not he can trust Even and get over everything. He has his friends through this and they all offer their support to him but ultimately its up to him. Even has just taken care of him when he was really sick but there are still other things that needs to be delt with and that won't just go away. What did you think about Ellie's and Isak's conversation? I know it might seem sudden but it was important for me to include it in this chapter since it is a huge step for the both of them. Ellie wants to make things right and shows her guilt by doing something nice for Isak and for Isak it is important because for him Ellie has always been in the way for him. He doesn't yet know what Even is feeling because they have not talked about that. He still believes that Ellie is a condition and therefor it is a huge relief. Last minute I added the scene with Sana and I hope the person that wanted it feels happy about it :) I love the dynamic between Isak and Sana so I couldn't resist! Next chapter will include their talk. I know it may seem like Isak is completely over everything but he is not. But Jonas have made him realise a few things. A lot of you have expressed concerns about Even not appreciating Isak enough or value him but I don't think that is Isak's concern at the moment. He doesn't want to be broken again and he is scared to trust. BUt with all the talks he has had he is looking at things a bit differently. I hope that makes sense and that it doesn't seem like Isak just forgives and forgets!


	22. We are Isak and Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so,so, sorry for the long wait- I know I sound like a broken record but I really am. I've worked so much during the laast few weeks and when I had my days off I spent them just resting or doing other things than writing. I was scared to staart writing this and it felt like I didn't know what to write at all but ended up really enjoying how this turned out and I had a blas writing it! I hope it shows and I hope it makes up for the long wait. Again I'm sorry!
> 
> Since I wanted to get this out as soon as possible it has not been beta'd by Steffi yet. I'm sure she will go through it later though :) she is a perfectionist and this will likely be rough and far from perfect! 
> 
> Thank so much to all of you who have patinetally waited for this chapter and left encouraging comments. It means the world to me <3 thank you so much! At the moment feel really inspired and have lots of ideas, even for future fics so it makes me so happy that people are still enjoying reading fics!

Isak is not himself, or at least not the Isak Even is used to. The one from before the break-up. He feels tense in Even’s arms as Even hugs him and shies away when Even unconsciously puts his hand on Isak’s back as the two of them wait to get seated at the restaurant Even has picked out. Even takes a nervous breath and tries to remain calm. The waitress leads them to the table and Isak sits down first with a small thank you to the young woman and a shy smile directed at Even. It makes Even relax somewhat as he takes a seat opposite of Isak and the waitress gives them their menus.

Isak immediately buries his head into the menu and doesn’t look up even as Even looks at him. Isak looks healthy again and as handsome as ever and Even has to tear his eyes off of him to look into his own menu. They spend a few minutes in weird and awkward silence before the two of them look up at the exact same time.

Isak smiles gingerly but it is enough to set off butterflies in Even’s stomach.

“What are you having?” Isak asks.

“I don’t know,” Even says truthfully because in the few minutes that have passed he has spent more time trying to come up with something to say to Isak than look for something to order. “You?”

Isak shrugs.

“I don’t know,” he says.

They look at each other again in silence, and Even can’t help but feel like this is like an awkward first date. It didn’t used to be this way but something between them is broken and as happy as Even is to have Isak sit in front of him at this moment, he simply can’t shake off that feeling. Things are different now. They have baggage. They are not carefree and drunkenly in love like they were the first time around.  Isak is not sure he can trust Even again and Even is not sure he trusts himself not to let Isak down again. Isak is scared of getting hurt again and Even is scared of hurting Isak again. There are so many things he needs to tell Isak. So many things he needs Isak to know.

“What's wrong?” Isak asks worriedly.

Even looks around the room. The setting should be perfect because the restaurant is perfect. The food is nice and the waiters professional. The room is filled with laughter and happy mumbles and Isak looks amazing in front of him, dressed in narrow pants and a perfectly fitting shirt.

“Let’s get out of here,” he says.

“But we just got here?” Isak says, clearly confused.

“I know,” Even says, grimacing slightly. “I just, I don’t feel like eating anything fancy. I just...do you want to take the car somewhere?”

Isak’s face lights up in a smile.

“Sounds perfect” he says.

-

They take the car north. Isak asks about Ellie and the boys and Elias’ baby and in return Even asks about school and Sana and Isak’s friends. They keep things simple and easy but the further they come from Oslo the more obvious it becomes that they are running out of things to talk about without touching what is important so when they approach the next exit on the highway and Even spots the sign for Max hamburger restaurant, he quickly makes the exit and drives towards the restaurant.

“Eating inside or drive through?” he asks.

Isak chuckles quietly.

“Drive through,” he says.

“A perfect choice,” Even says smiling from ear to ear. “What do you want?” he asks as he stops the car farthest down in the line of cars.

“A chocolate milkshake and some chili cheese,” Isak says. “And maybe a hamburger and fries? Those fries with melted cheese. And a coke.”

“Wow,” Even can’t help but tease. “Someone is hungry…are you trying to ruin me or what?”

Isak rolls his eyes dramatically.

“You were the one who made us leave that fancy restaurant,” he protests weakly and leans over Even to read the menu.

20 minutes later they have received their order and Isak balances the paper bag on his lap and carefully holds onto the drink holder as Even navigates the parking lot.

“Do you want to stay here or go somewhere else?” Even asks.

“Here is fine,” Isak says and sips on his coke.

Even parks the car and cuts off the engine and immediately the car is filled with silence. Not even the radio is on. Isak gives him a nervous smile and chews on his fries and Even digs into his own box of chicken nuggets.

“I guess we should talk,” Isak says after a few minutes of the just eating next to each other in silence.

Even feels grateful that Isak is the one that breaks the silence because he is not sure he would have the courage to do it. Even nods in response.

“We should,” he said.

Isak nods and looks down on his lap. Even pops another nugget into his mouth and chews intensely.

“So,” they both say at the same time.

Isak laughs nervously in front of him.

“Can I go first?” he asks.

“Yeah okay,” Even agrees.

“I…” Isak starts. “I had rehearsed everything I wanted to tell you and when I talked to Jonas about it the other day everything made so much sense. I knew exactly what I wanted to say to you but now I don’t know anymore.”

“Okay, is that good or bad?” Even asks nervously.

Isak shrugs and with the way his shoulders look tense Even can tell at Isak is really nervous about this.

“Neither probably, it just means that this is going to take a while longer to get out.”

“We have all the time in the world,” Even breathes.

Isak laughs and relaxes visibly.

“I guess,” he laughs. “But when the food is finished I’m leaving.”

Even laughs.

“Yeah?” he challenges. “Are you going to walk back?”

Isak raises an eyebrow and lets out a huff.

“I’d hitchhike back obviously;” he says.

“No sorry, I can’t let you do that,” Even says. “That’s too dangerous. Didn’t growing up teach you anything?”

Isak laughs again.

“You are going to have to buy me many milkshakes then,” he teases.

“As many as you want,” Even says and it sounds way more serious than he had intended.

Isak clears his throat.

“I’ve thought a lot about us you know? What I want, what I feel, and I’ve tried to make sense of it all. I really love you and I want to be with you. I’ve never felt like this with anyone before but that has also made me really vulnerable. Like I’m scared that I’ll get hurt again and I’m not sure if I could handle another heartbreak. And I know you never meant to hurt me, but you really did. Especially when you told me that you would never choose me. That fucking hurt more than anything else. Because I was so deeply in love with you and it felt like you used it against me.   I’m not trying to be mean I’m just being honest. Is that okay?”

Isak looks straight at him.

“Of course, it is okay,” Even whispers.

“Good,” Isak says. “Anyway, that’s why I’m a bit scared. Because it has always felt like I would never stand a chance with you. Against Ellie. It felt like I’d never be important enough for you. And before I got sick I was even more convinced that it could never be us again and as much as it hurt I had sort of come to the conclusion that it was for the best. Even if I missed you every day or barely coped at all with being lonely. I was a mess during the summer and the beginning of the term wasn’t any better. I tried to keep busy with work and school and tried to push everything else away. Then I got sick because I pushed too hard and you showed up with so much love and care and it made me feel even more confused. You were all I wanted and needed then and I embraced it without questioning why you were there all of a sudden. You stayed with me at the hospital and took me home with you and continued to take care of me, but I didn’t know if it was out of guilt or anything else. I just knew that as soon as I got better we would have to talk about what we are. And that scared me. It still scares me a lot. Because I’m tired of being scared when all I want is you. I’m tired of being scared to love you again.”

There are tears in Even’s eyes now and Isak’s lip is trembling.

“Can it be my turn now?” Even asks weakly and Isak makes the tiniest of nods.

Even takes a steadying breath and rubs at his wet cheeks with the back of his hand.

“I can never tell you enough time how sorry I am for hurting you,” he says. “And if you give me the chance I’ll do my best to never let it happen again. I’ll do everything I can to show you just how much you mean to me. How happy you make me and how being with you have made my life so much better in every aspect. I was going to tell you all of those things. That’s why I tried to find you. That day you got really sick. I came to your apartment before work, but you weren’t there and then I tried you at work and Eskild told me you were ill. He almost ripped my head off for hurting you and even though I already knew it, it made me realise just how much I had screwed you over. But I knew my fear of getting rejected by you were less than the fear of losing you forever without even trying to get you back. This summer was a mess. I didn’t cope with losing you. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it just hurt more people and that broke me. I worked too hard just, so I wouldn’t have to stop and feel anything and in the end,  I slipped into my first episode in years.”

Isak’s make a small “oh” sound but nods for Even to continue.

“Everyone kept telling me to look after myself, and that I did the right thing to break up with you. Because in their minds I was working too hard on pleasing everyone else that I forgot myself in the process. And I kind of believed them at first and I tried to get back on my feet, but I couldn’t let you go and I wasn’t happy. Letting you go didn’t feel like taking care of myself and focusing more on Ellie didn’t necessarily made me a better father because I didn’t feel happy. Because I had lost the love of my life. And no one seemed to understand that. That you were the love of my life and it made me feel angry and frustrated that everyone told me I had done the right thing when I felt like I was falling apart on the inside. I know they only meant well but it made me feel like shit honestly. But then things got a little better and I started to focus more on myself instead of letting other people tell me what is best or what I should to. I realised that I wasn’t going to be a better father or a better person in general unless I focused on being happy and doing things for me. I talked to Ellie and told her just how I felt. I told her I wanted to be with you and that I didn’t care about what she or anyone else thought because I knew that all I wanted was you. All I want is you...”

He should probably say something more, but he decides to leave out the details about his argument with Ellie, about how strained their relationship had been. It feels too private for now. All he needs Isak to know is that he is a better person now. That he is braver and that he is proud of himself for being brave and wearing his heart on his sleeve for Isak tonight. All he wants Isak to know is that he loves him with all his heart.

Isak doesn’t say anything at first but his hand reaches up to cup Even’s face. Even leans in to the touch and lets his eyes wander to the side. He waits and waits and waits for Isak to say something. To say anything but Isak keeps silent and Even closes his eyes and another tear makes it way down his cheek before Isak catches it with his thumb. Maybe it is all too late. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything? Maybe it is hopeless? Maybe his care for Isak came much too late. Maybe Isak’s fear will win.

“Don’t cry…”

“I can’t stand the thought of possibly having lost you forever,” Even says brokenly.

“Ssh,” Isak hushes. “You’ve not lost me forever.”

Even looks up.

“Promise?” he whispers.

“I promise,” Isak says.

“I talked to Jonas the same day I texted you. He knows me better than anyone else. Eskild and Sana just told me that I needed to do what was right for me when it came to you. That it didn’t matter what they thought because in the end it only mattered what I wanted to do. The only problem was that I didn’t really know. I knew I loved you but like I said I was scared. Do you want to know what Jonas said?”

Does he? Even has no idea. From what he has heard of Jonas, which is not much, he is super loyal when it comes to Isak and it seems likely that he told Isak screw Even.

“He asked me if it was worth giving up on love just because I was scared of getting hurt. He told me you would likely hurt me again and I you because it is human. It made me think about all those times I’ve hurt the people I love and how they have given me a second chance. It made me ask myself if I wanted to be lonely for the rest of my life instead of being happy with you with the risk of having it all go away again. I’m still going to be scared, and it’s going to take a while for me to get over it and trust you but that should be okay. Because I love you so much. I love you and you made me the happiest person in the world and I know that you could do it again. And I much rather want to have a fraction of a lifetime with you than be without you.”

“Yeah?” Even asks while the tears are streaming down his face again.

“Yes, a thousand times yes,” Isak says and leans forward and gently kisses Even’s forehead.

-

They drive back home in silence. Isak looks out of the window and hums silently to himself and Even focuses on the road ahead of him. The car is silent, but the silence isn’t haunting anymore. Even’s chest feels light and free for the first time in forever. It’s Isak that breaks the silence once again.

“What does this mean for us, Even?” he says and in the corner of his eye Even can see Isak looking at him. “What are we now?”

Even wants to say that they are back together. That everything is good again. That it is them forever. He just knows it is not that simple. He knows that Isak will still be wary and rightfully so. He knows they will need to go slow to not mess up again. He needs time to show Isak that his words are not empty and meaningless but that he means every word he said. And Isak, maybe Isak needs time to. To trust again. Even never used to be patient. Going slow used to freak him out because he wanted to have it all while it lasted. But he thinks he can be patient this time. He thinks he can take it slow.

“We are Isak and Even,” he says cheesely.

“Yeah but…” Isak starts.

“I know you are still scared, Isak. I understand why. But we can just take things slow. We don’t have to rush into anything you are not ready for.  Maybe we can just take things one day at a time.”

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to put up with waiting around for me forever.” Isak says frustrated and buries his face in his hands. “I’m sorry,” continues. “I don’t want to ruin our night with being like this. Especially when it was so good.”

“You are not ruining anything,” Even says. “I love that you are honest with me. And you aren’t making me put up with anything. I choose this because it is what my heart wants. I don’t care if I have to wait a little longer until I can call you my boyfriend again or whatever we want to call it. I just want to be with you again. Even if it is slow.”

“Okay,” Isak says.

“It is going to be okay, Isak,” Even says.

-

Taking things slow might not be the worst thing after all, Even decides a few days later. If taking things slow means a night-time call in bed and stupid texts during the day, even can totally do slow.  He goes to work on Tuesday feeling a little lighter and a little happier and when he goes to see his parents with Ellie it is with new energy. Ellie smiles widely at him as the two of them walk up the stairs to the apartment where Even grew up. She has most definitely noticed the change in Even in the last few days and he has been catching her smiling just this widely in his direction several times. As for her she seems to be doing a bit better too. Maybe not completely there yet but it feels like their talks and honesty has helped them both move in the right direction and now that there is no tension between them things are better than they have been in a while.

“I love how happy you are,” she says. “It makes me happy too.”

Even stops right outside the door and looks at his daughter.  

“Thank you,” he says. “I am happy. Happier than I’ve been in a long time.”

“Because of Isak?” she asks.

“Yeah because of him, and because of you. Because it feels like we are getting back on track with each other. Does that make sense?”

Ellie nods.

“I’m happy too. That we are back on track and that you and Isak are getting back together. You are right? I mean I know you have texted him and called him every day.”

“We are,” he says. “We are just taking things slow.”

“That is good. I’m happy for you dad,” she says.

He wraps her up in his arms and hugs her close to his chest.

“Me too. I love you,” he mumbles and kisses her hair.

He rings the doorbell and opens the door, Ellie following closely behind. His mother greets them in the hallway and gives them both a hug and a kiss. She is dressed in an apron and Even raises an eyebrow.

“Are you cooking?” he asks suspiciously, making her huff in protest.

“I can cook,” she says defensively. “But no, I’m making dessert. Blueberry pie. Your dad is cooking but he is at the grocery store at the moment. He forgot something apparently, but he should be home any minute now.”

Even follows her into the kitchen and Ellie disappears into the living room.

“So how are you doing?” his mom asks as he leans on the counter.

It’s been a while since they talked properly but she has been checking in on him almost every day.

“I’m okay,” Even says. “Really good actually. I had a good talk to Isak the other day and I think we are good. It feels good at least.”

Even’s mom nods and smiles warmly.

“We are happy for you,” she says. “How is Isak doing? Has he recovered yet?”

“Yeah, he is doing really good. He is back on it again. We are doing good.”

“Nothing makes me happier than to hear you say that,” his mom says just as Even’s dad opens the front door and steps into the hallway.

Half an hour later they sit at the table and it feels like it used to. They all chat happily among each other. Ellie and her grandfather banter and joke with each other as usual and Even’s heart swells in his chest with joy as he watches them laugh together and in front of him his mother joins in on the laughs.

He and Ellie get home late at night and as he lies down in his bed, feeling tired but content, he receives a text from Isak.

 

 

**Hi! Do you want to**  
 **help me move on sunday?**  
 **the boys will be there too**  
 **and Eskild of course**  
 **I miss you <3 <3**

 

Even can’t help but smile even if he also feels nervous at the idea of meeting Isak’s friends. As far as he knows all they know about him is that he broke their friends’ heart and left him a broken mess. Still he is going to take this invitation from Isak because if Isak wants him to meet his friends that must mean something? And Jonas has already given him some sort of blessing and Eskild sort of likes him after Isak’s pneumonia. It should be okay. If anything Even can’t wait until he gets to see Isak again.

**Of course I want**  
to help you move.  
Will you protect me   
against your friends though? ;)  
If they try to tear me apart.   
.

He presents it as a joke but there is still some seriousness to it. He watches the three dots that indicates that Isak is replying.

**I’ll protect you!**   
**But you don’t**   
**have to worry.**   
**Magnus is so ex-**   
**cited to meet you and**   
**Mahdi is super easy to get**   
**along with. And you know**   
**Jonas just wants me happy.**   
**You make me happy <3**

**Oh and Eskild secretly**   
**loves you. You charmed the**   
**crap out of him when you**   
**took care of me. Hahaha.**   
**He won’t admit it though.**

**Relax Even, they are going**  
 **to love you. Probably eve** n   
more than they love me!

**That’s a relief :)**  
I’ll see you on sunday   
then?  


**Yeah <3**

 

**< 3 good night <3**

 

**No good night call?!?!?!**

 

**:(**

 

**Hahaha I’ll call you <3**

 

**< 3**

-

When he arrives at Isak’s old apartment on Sunday morning Isak and the boys are already there. A moving van is parked outside Isak’s door and as even walks up the stairs he can hear voices coming from Isak’s apartment. The door is open so Even steps inside and stands in the hallway in silence for a little while without letting Isak know he has arrived. He watches Isak bicker with Eskild as the two of them stand bent over a box and he can hear other voices as well. They must be from Isak’s friends. Suddenly he feels nervous. What if they all hate him? He wouldn’t be surprised really even if Isak had tried to convince him otherwise through his texts and then later during their phone call.

Next thing he knows, Isak looks up and breaks into a smile. He straightens his back and walk up to greet Even.

“Hello!” he says cheerfully and gives Even a peck on the cheek. “I’m glad you came.”

Even smiles nervously.

“Don’t be nervous,” Isak whispers. “They will love you. I promise!”

He takes Even’s hand and drags him towards the living area. Even follows Isak thankful for Isak’s hand in his. Eskild looks up from the box he is working on filling and gives a friendly smile.

“Hey, Even. Good to see you again,” he says.

“Yeah you too, Eskild,” Even says clearing his throat as he turns his attention to the two men standing in the kitchen.

They are both shorter than Even and one of them has dark curly hair and the other has dark skin and wears a snapback similar to the one’s Isak sometimes wear.

When him and Isak approach the two of them turn around and the butterflies return to Even’s stomach. Isak squeezes his hand gently and smiles tenderly.

“This is Mahdi and Jonas,” he explains. “And this is Even.”

Even holds out his hand and they both shake it without any hesitation.

“Nice to meet you, “Mahdi says and smiles wildly.

“You too,” Even says and focuses on Jonas reaction to him being here.

Jonas however, doesn’t say anything else just turns to Isak.

“Do you think we can take the first load soon?” he asks and looks around the room.

There are a lot of boxes already even if there are still plenty of stuff to back but between the six of them they should be able to get it done in a few hours. If they work quickly.

“Yeah,” Isak nods. “When is Magnus going to be here?”

Mahdi rolls his eyes.

“He said ten minutes, but it will likely be half an hour. Apparently, he overslept because Cecile wasn’t there to wake him up or something.”

Isak and Jonas break out in a laugh and even though it feels like an inside joke Even smiles along with them, feeling thankful that the attention has focused from him being there to something else. He feels even more thankful when Mahdi opens his mouth and directly addresses him.

“Since you are the tallest one maybe you can help with the top shelves?” he suggests.

Even nods and let’s go of Isak’s hand.

“Yeah sure,” he says. “Anywhere I can help!”

Isak smiles happily and gives him another kiss.

“I’m going to help Eskild, will you be okay?” he asks.

“Yes, I’ll be fine,” Even says.

Isak joins Eskild in the living room area and Even is left with Mahdi and Jonas in the kitchen. He half expects them to start interrogating him or tell him to never hurt Isak again but much to his relief they return to packing and let him empty the top shelves without any difficult questions on why he decided to leave their friend. Instead the three of them easily finds things to talk about as they work. Every once in a while, he looks to the other side of the room and finds Isak looking right back at him.

Almost an hour into their work the man who must be Magnus arrives with a loud hello. He steps into the living room but stops in his tracks as he spots Even standing there. Magnus stares at him for a few seconds and Even takes a few steps forward and offers his hand.

“I’m Even…” he starts but is interrupted when Magnus throws his arms around him and hugs him tightly.

-

In the afternoon they have moved all of Isak’s things into his new room with Eskild and has brought his old furniture and things he won’t need to the second-hand store for donation. Isak and Magnus have left to buy pizza and Even is left alone with Jonas for a little while as Mahdi and Eskild are returning the rental car at the gas station. For the first time in hours Even can feel his nerves returning. During the last few hours the six of them have had good time packing Isak’s stuff and loading them into the van and Even has enjoyed hearing the others share stories about Isak and memories from the apartment. Now that the others are gone he is widely aware of the tension between him and Isak’s best friend.

“Uh…” he starts. “Is it nice being back home?”

“Yeah, it is,” Jonas says. “I mean California was incredible, but it is nice being back home and close to my family and friends.”

Even nods and collects all his courage.

“Look, I just want you to know that I’m not going to let Isak down again like I did before. I know that I screwed up, but we are working to move past it and I’m going to do all I can to be here for him and be what he needs. I love him so much and getting a second chance with him means the world to him. I’m not going to screw it up.”

Jonas smiles and nods gently.

“I know, Even,” he says kindly. “I don’t know you yet, but I do know Isak very well. I have seen him through everything. Through the worst years of his life and through his best. I have known him since he was a kid and believe me when I tell you that I can tell when someone is good for him or not. You may have hurt him before, but I know you are a good person to him. The way he talks about you speaks loads and I know you love him. He loves you too. So much. I’ve never seen him like this before even if it’s just been a little while since you resolved things. He is happy. No matter what happened between you and him he is happy now. That is all that matters to me. Isak has been through a lot. I’m sure he has told you about it. He has been abandoned by a lot of people and spent a lot of his life feeling lonely. At first it made me angry to hear what you had said to him about that but Isak’s background is not your fault and I know you didn’t mean what you said. Even if it was super mean you are not responsible for what others have done to Isak in the past. Anyway, he has not had it easy but he is strong. Sometimes he doesn’t believe it but he really is and it makes me happy and proud to see him allow himself to fall in love with you all over again. Even if he feels scared sometimes. Just don’t let the fear of hurting each other again get in the way for your love. I told Isak that it’s not worth it because it isn’t and I think the same applies to you.”

Even nods, baffled about the words that has just come out of Jonas mouth. He had not expected this.

“This doesn’t mean that I won’t me angry with you if you hurt him again because Isak is my best friend, but it is not my place to judge. Isak is an adult and he can make his own decisions and as long as he is happy I’m going to be happy. And so will Magnus and Mahdi.”

“That’s all I want as well,” Even says. “To make him happy just like he makes me happy.”

-

Even stays even after Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas have left. They eat dinner together and Even helps Isak unpack some more before Eskild evites them to the living room to just hang out. The apartment is going to be perfect for Isak. His room is big enough for him to fit a decent sized bed, a desk and plenty of room for storage for all his things and the rest of the apartment is warm and inviting. The kitchen is nice and cosy and the living room has a huge tv and a comfy sofa and Even has no doubts that Eskild will be able to lure Isak out from his room almost every night. Eskild will be good for Isak. Just what he needs and even if i had felt weird to move Isak’s things into apartment that isn’t Even’s Even knows this is for the best.

“I hope you know you are welcome here anytime,” Eskild says from the other end of the couch.

Isak is sitting in the middle, curled up and leaning slightly towards Even and allowing Even to run his fingers along Isak’s bicep.

“Thank you, Eskild,” Even says. “I’m sure I will. This apartment is really nice.”

“It is,” Eskild nods. “I’ve lived here for two years. I used to live in another apartment before but when our roommate moved out Linn and I found this one and now that she has moved out Isak is moving in. I just hope he wants to stay for a while.”

Eskild gives the two of them a meaningful look and Isak tilts his head to the side and smiles at Even.

“Don’t worry, Eskild,” Even says. “I’m not going to steal him just yet.”

“We are going to take things slow,” Isak adds and grabs hold of Even’s hand, the smile on his face growing even wider.

An hour later Isak is half a sleep against Even’s side and it is starting to get late. Even is getting tired and he should probably leave soon since he has work in the morning.

“Do you wanna stay?” Isak asks as Even moves from the couch causing Isak to wake up and straighten up.

“I would but I don’t have any things with me,” Even says. “And besides, I don’t think that’s what taking things slowly means,” he continues as Isak follows him into the hall with a small pout on his face.

“I know,” Isak sighs. “I just really love being close to you.”

Even grabs both of Isak’s hands in his and stands in front of him.

“I love spending time and being close with you too. And I loved meeting your friends. I can tell how much they care about you.”

Isak smiles and Even has to resist the the urge to touch Isak’s lip in favour for holding on to his hands instead.

“I can always come over after work tomorrow? You have a day shift at the hospital right?”

Isak nods.

“Yeah. That sounds good.”

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” Even says and moves his hand to Isak’s cheek. “ I love you,” he whispers and softly kisses Iak’s lips.

“I love you too,” Isak mumbles and wraps his arms around Even’s neck and buries his nose into the crook of Even’s neck.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to say that this was one of the fluffiest chapters I've written and I really loved it. I hope I did it justice because I'm not as confident with writing fluff compared to angst. Let me know what you thought in the comments. It would mean so much :) 
> 
> As I said a lot of fluff in this chapter. What did you think about their talk/date. I wanted to keep it light hearted and not too angsty but with some serious elements to it. They talk about their feelings but also share some sweet moments. They are just so in love still and can't help themselves. They agree to take things slow and take turns reasurring eachother that things will be okay. They are getting there now and they are both determined to make it work. 
> 
> I also wanted to include Even meeting Isak's friends but without getting to angsty and serious. I hope that decision did not throw you off. I like to think that they are all reasonable and wants what is best for Isak. They can see that Isak is happy and even if Even has been the reason for some of Isak's heartbreak, I think it is important to remember that Isak has been through alot ot things that Even can't be held responsible for. I agree with the one's that argues that Even needs to "show" Isak he is reliable and that Isak is important but I also think that he has been doing it so far and will continue to do it. I also think it is a much more complicated situation than Even hurting Isak. As some have pointed out Isak probably should see someone professional so he can find ways to deal. Did you find Jonas' and even's talk good? bad? Maybe Jonas would be a lot harder on Even. I don't know but Jonas and Isak have talked alot about this already and Jonas knows where Isak stands. He has no reason to call Even out on past behaviour when he doesn't even know Even in the first place. All he knows is that Even has also been there for Isak and made him feel happy and safe. 
> 
> Last but not least I wanted to include some Ellie. She is still getting used to the idea of being accepting but I think she is doing a great job, isn't she? Again please let me know what you thought in the comments. I will do everything in my power to get an update out in a week but we'll see :) I have more free time now at least!


	23. We’ll take things completely chill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Long time no see. At least when it comes to this fic! I'm sorry the break was longer than intended but at least I've been posting two other fics. A sequel to "I'll be right beside you" and a sickfic called Shiver :) Check them out if you haven't already.
> 
> As usual thank you to everyone of you that is still reading this story and continue to support me <3 the amazing comments I get mean the world to me and every kudo warms my heart <3 
> 
> And thank you Steffi once again <3
> 
> A little warning: This chapter contains Even having an episode and I always struggle with how to portray it because I wan't to do it justice but the truth is that I don't know much. What I do know is based on research and my experience from work and I've used that in this chapter. But I have no idea how it feels to be manic or watch someone close you go through that.

It doesn’t take long for Isak to get used to living with Eskild, and while he had never imagined himself living with a roommate, or being close to good roommate material, he finds himself surprisingly at ease with sharing an apartment. The first weeks practically fly by with Isak spending most of his time at the hospital where he is shadowing a doctor at the orthopedic clinic. It’s not the most exciting thing but at least most of them are nice enough towards him. Since Sana also has her internship at the same hospital the two of them eat lunch together if they have time and sometimes they meet up after their work day is over to share their experiences. 

It’s nice getting home in the afternoon or late at night to someone instead of to an empty apartment, and sharing a place with Eskild means nights on the couch and dinners together several times a week. Eskild can be a bit intense and over the top when it comes to them spending time together, but Isak appreciates the older man’s gestures nonetheless. Eskild always offers him to talk and always listens to Isak even when it’s just Isak reciting his boring day at the hospital. Eskild offers to cook for him and doesn’t mind that Isak sometimes leaves dirty dishes in the sink in the morning. Eskild is that kind of friend who doesn’t knock before entering the bathroom if Isak is in there. Isak never expected to like living with someone else but he secretly loves living with Eskild. 

And then there is Even of course. Over the course of the last few weeks, they have strictly kept to their agreement of taking things slow. It’s difficult when all Isak wants to do is spend time with Even but it helps that Isak is now busy at the hospital and Even also spends long hours at work. It also helps that Ellie is more open and friendly whenever Isak does come over. 

It’s still a little rocky, his and Ellie’s relationship, but it feels like they are both determined to make it work. For Even’s sake and their own. Now that Isak is more relaxed in her company he has started to realise just how similar she and Even are. Not just how they look, with long, lean bodies and the same blue eyes but also how they act and talk. It’s like Ellie is a cardboard copy of Even sometimes and her mannerisms are identical. 

Isak smiles to himself as he watches the two of them cook in the kitchen and bicker with each other, using the same gestures and completely mirroring each other without any of them noticing. They are making a lasagna and Isak has been strictly ordered to stay out of the kitchen. Instead, he occupies the comfortable couch and busies himself by looking through Ellie’s biology book that she has left on the coffee table and watching Even and Ellie cook in the nearby kitchen. 

Even suddenly looks at him and when he notices Isak smile fondly at him, his face lit up in a wide grin that warms Isak’s chest and fills it with happiness. 

“Come and taste the sauce,” Even demands playfully.

“Don’t want to,” Isak teases and watches Even walk past the kitchen island and make his way towards the couch. 

Once he reaches the couch he bends over and tries to tickle Isak but Isak wiggles away from his hands.

“Stop!” he laughs and almost falls off the couch. 

“Come then,” Even says and grabs Isak’s arm. “I need you to taste the bechamel.”

Isak stands up from the couch with the help of Even and the two of the are left standing opposite of each other, holding onto each other’s hands. Isak looks down at their joint hands for a second before he looks up at Even again. 

“Because I’m the master of cooking?” he asks and raises an eyebrow. 

Even bursts out in a bubbly laugh and moves his hands to cup Isak’s face, squishing Isak’s cheeks slightly in the process. For a moment they are just standing there looking at each other. Even trails Isak’s hairline with his fingers.

“Did I tell you how much I love you today? Have I told you how happy I am to have you back in my life?”

Isak smiles and shakes his head ever so slightly, face still resting in Even’s hands. 

“Not today, no. But all other days” 

Even smiles.

“I love you, Isak and I’m so happy that I get to have you in my life,” he whispers. 

Even has said the exact same thing to him every day since Isak moved in to Eskild’s place and it makes Isak melt every time he hears Even say those words. Whether they sound desperate and remorseful or just full of love and happiness. Or, like today, slightly teasing.  He knows Even is trying to prove to Isak that he is loved and important, and standing with Even like this makes him feel just that. They could probably stand like that for the rest of the night if it wasn’t for Ellie clearing her throat in the kitchen. 

“Can you stop making out with your boyfriend, dad, so we can actually finish that lasagna. I’m starving over here.” 

Isak forces his eyes off of Even and looks over to where Ellie is standing. She is looking at the two of them with a mix of annoyance and amusement on her face. He smiles apologetically and can feel his cheeks heat up slightly. 

“We’re coming,” Even sighs happily and takes Isak’s hand in his and leads him towards the kitchen. 

-

“Is Even coming over tonight?” Eskild asks. 

Isak has just come home from eating kebab with Jonas and Mahdi since he had the day off from the hospital. Eskild is currently occupying the couch, eating a bowl of cereal and watching some daytime cooking show on the tv. He is still dressed in his pyjamas even if it is well past 2 pm but Isak knows that Eskild was out with a few of their colleagues yesterday and had brought a guy home. Isak had woken up when the two of them not so quietly arrived back home in the middle of the night. 

“No I don’t think so,” Isak says as he sits down next to Eskild on the couch. “Why, do you miss him or something?” 

“No, it’s just been a few days since I last saw him,” Eskild says. “How are things going between you?”

“Good!” Isak says with a smil e.  “We are taking thing slow.”

 

“You’ve been saying that for the past month,” Eskild points out. “But everytime he is over you two look more in love than two love birds. You are all over each other and you look at each other with these intense looks that make me want to throw up a little bit. It is so obvious that you are in love with each other.”

Isak rolls his eyes.

“We have just not said that we are official,” he explains. “Like I love him and I would never hook up with someone else, because I’m with him, but we have not said it out loud yet. We are just taking every day as it comes.” 

Eskild nods slowly. 

“Sometimes it is scary how mature you feel when I talk to you about these things. You feel so relaxed and happy. I love seeing you like this,” he says. 

“I am happy,” Isak confirms. “I really am. With living with you, with Jonas being back home and with having Even in my life again. It feels like things are almost too good to be true sometimes. Like things can’t be this good for me.”

“Of course they can, Isak,” Eskild says seriously. “And for the record I love living with you too. You are probably my second favourite roommate. After Linn of course. She is the best. But don’t be sad. You are great too.” 

“Wow, thanks, Eskild,” Isak says sarcastically. “I feel super honoured right now.” 

“You are welcome, baby-jesus,” Eskild smiles happily and stands up from the couch. “You should invite Even over though. And clean up after yourself in the kitchen” 

With that Eskild takes his bowl and coffee cup and leaves Isak alone in the living room. Isak lies down on the couch. It is hard to believe how happy he is feeling right now. How things have just worked out perfectly for him even after all those horrible months. But he feels so ready to put everything behind him. One step at a time. 

-

Two weeks later Isak is doing his final week at the hospital and then it is back to uni for the remainder of the term. It is hard to imagine that he has almost finished his 5th term as a med student. It feels like he only just started but now he is actually expected to know stuff. His weeks at the hospital have taught him a lot and he has tried to absorb everything he can from the doctors and nurses working there. That is going to be him one day. Him making those decisions and being responsible for people’s well-being. The thought is scary and exhilarating at the same time. 

“I already know you are going to be the best doctor in Oslo. In the world even,” Even says proudly. 

“I’m not so sure,” Isak sighs and smiles as Even kisses his neck eagerly. 

“I know it. You are the smartest person I know,” Even continues as he continues to kiss Isak’s neck at the same time as he puts his hands all over Isak’s body. 

Lately Even has been very happy and eager when it comes to sex and they have definitely not been taking things slow in that aspect. Not that Isak has minded but now he is starting to feel like maybe something's not right. Even has stayed with Isak for several nights in a row now and every morning he has been awake way before Isak and now Isak is beginning to doubt how much sleep Even gets every night. In addition, Even has talked with a passion about different projects he wants to do and new ideas he has for work and at first Isak had just been happy that Even seemed to enjoy work but now he is left with an uneasy feeling as Even goes on about all the new amazing ideas he has. He’s never experienced someone being manic or hypomanic before but he has read about it online and Magnus has told him plenty of stories for him to suspect that that is what is going on at the moment. Something is just off with the way Even acts and it only seems to get more intense by the hour. 

Isak feels unsure on what to do next. He knows he should probably contact Ellie and let her know what is going on. She will probably know what to do but he also doesn’t want to go behind Even’s back. Especially when they have just recently gotten back together. Maybe he could talk to Eskild first and ask about his opinion. Or maybe he should ask Even himself? Now Isak wishes he had asked more questions when Even told him he had bipolar. He wishes he was more prepared but just as always he feels completely at loss on what to do. For the moment he lets Even kiss him and push him down on the bed.

-

“I think we should go somewhere over Christmas,” Even says excitedly. “Wouldn’t that be amazing? Like somewhere really nice and warm. I could book us a five star hotel by the beach. Or we could rent our own house with a pool of our own. I’ve always wanted to go away over Christmas...”

They are lying on Isak’s bed facing each other, close enough to be able to feel each other’s breath. 

“Don’t you think your family wants you at home, babe?” Isak says slowly. “And celebrate with them? Don’t you want that?”

“I want you!” Even says. “Maybe we could go to London over the New Year?” 

Isak smiles.

“Maybe,” he says. “That would be cool.” 

“Just you and me in a hotel room for a weekend,” Even says. “We would order lots of food and I would take you out to amazing restaurants.” 

“Or we could go somewhere during spring?” Isak suggests trying to steer the conversation in another direction. 

As long as they are lying in bed nothing can happen he tells himself. 

“I would go anywhere in the world with you, Isak,” Even says seriously. “Anywhere you would go I would follow.”

-

“I think I should apply to film school,” Even says and suddenly sits up in the bed. 

A few hours have passed. They are still in Isak’s bedroom but Isak has moved over to the desk and is working on his computer and up until now Even has been lying on his stomach on Isak’s bed. Isak is not exactly sure what he has been doing but he has been on his sketch book for the past hour and he won’t let Isak see what he is doing. 

Isak can hardly concentrate on anything else and has spent the past half hour trying to figure out what he should do next. He already knows that Even has likely slept less than normal and that he has had an increased sex drive for the past week which in itself are two clear signs of mania. He just wants to be sure because the last thing he wants to do is to be wrong about this and mess things up and break Even’s trust. 

“Are you not listening?” Even says, looking slightly annoyed when Isak finally meets his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” Isak says. “What were you saying about film school?”

“That I think I should apply. I mean lots of great directors have had their breakthrough in their 30’s or 40’s. That is not even that old. I know I could make it if I just applied.”

Isak nods hesitantly. 

“Don’t you think I could?” Even continues. “ I have lots of great ideas actually. I’ve written all of them down just now!”

Isak clears his throat.

“You have?” he asks carefully and suddenly it makes sense what Even has been doing. “Do you want to show me maybe?”

Even shakes his head.

“It is a surprise. Besides, you wouldn’t understand them. My visions.”

Isak swallows. He can do this. He has to. 

“I won’t look,” he says. “I think they are probably great ideas.”

Even beams.

“I think so too,” he says. 

“I need to use the bathroom,” Isak says. “Maybe you could show your ideas some other day.” 

Even nods as he settles on top of the covers and focuses on the sketch book again. 

“I’ll continue to work on my ideas,” he says. 

Isak forces himself to smile as he walks across the room.

“You are so fucking hot,” Even calls out before he closes the door behind him. 

He hurries towards the bathroom, his phone clutched in his hands. At the moment he feels so relieved that he and Ellie are on good terms and that he can actually call her about this. He locks the bathroom door and sinks down on the toilet seat, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. He just hopes that Even stays in his bedroom. He doesn’t think it is too bad just yet but maybe he has no idea how long it takes for Even to come to that stage. He wishes Eskild was home but the two of them are home alone. 

**Hi Ellie!**  
**It’s Isak. I think Even might be manic**  
**or at least he is slipping.**  
**I should have called you sooner or texted**  
**you but I wanted to be sure.**  
**I didn’t want to break his trust.**  
**I don’t think he has slept properly in a**  
**while and he just seems too happy about**  
**everything. He has these ideas and he talks**  
**a lot about them.**  
**Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know.**  
**I’m not good at this.**  
**Sorry for not letting you know sooner**

He presses send with shaking hands and he can feel his heartbeat pick up as he waits for a reply. Luckily he doesn't have to wait long.

**Hi Isak!**  
**Thanks for texting me,**  
**I think you might be right**  
**but if it was really bad you would**  
**have noticed. Can you see if he has**  
**taken his medication? He usually**  
**stops taking it when he is slipping**  
**because he feels like he doesn’t need**  
**it.**

**I don’t know? I’m in the bathroom**  
**so I can check but how do I tell?**

A few seconds after he has sent the second text his phone is starting to ring and he sees that it is Ellie.

“Hello?” he says.

“Hey,” Ellie says sounding surprisingly calm given the situation. “What’s going on?”

Isak bites his lip and draws his knees to his chest as he begins to explain the last couple of days. 

“It sounds like you may be right but in any case you caught it pretty early,” Ellie says. “Can you see if he has taken his medication.”

Isak opens Even’s toilet bag but from the bottle of pills it is impossible to know when Even last took them. 

“I don’t know,” he says frantically. “Sorry!”

He feels stupid for being irresponsible and stupid for not calling earlier and now relying on Even’s daughter to sort out the mess.

“It’s okay,” Ellie says. “Just don’t ask him about that. It will make him angry with you. It would probably be good if you could take him here though. Can you do that? What is he doing right now?”

“He is working on a script or something,” Isak says. “Or on movie ideas. I’m not sure what he is doing but he is in my room.”

“Okay, Just ask him if he wants to go to ours. Sometimes he thinks everything you suggest is a great idea but sometimes he can get annoyed or even mad about it. So don’t get scared. Do you want me to call grandma and grandpa? I could have them go to yours and help you?”

Isak shakes his head. He should be able to do this. Just take Even back home where he and Ellie can work together to help Even. Besides he does not want to meet Even’s parents like this. Not when they will think he is the most unreliable person on earth. 

“I’ll try,” Isak says. “I’ll ask him. But what if it doesn’t work?”

“We’ll figure something out,” Ellie says patiently. “It will be okay.”

-

Isak manages to persuade Even to go back to his and Ellie’s even if Even is reluctant to leave at first. 

“I need to finish writing this down,” Even says without looking up from the paper he is writing on. “I can’t let my ideas go to waste. They are going to be amazing and you will love them. I promise.” 

“Okay but you can keep working on them once we get there. I just think it would be better if we stayed there tonight,” Isak says hesitantly. 

“Why?” Even asks suspiciously. 

Isak’s brain scrambles to come up with a lie, anything to make Even go with him and anything to keep Even from getting upset and angry. 

“Don’t you want your computer though?” he asks. “For your ideas?”

It takes him another ten minutes to get Even to leave the apartment because there are so many things he wants to do but as they finally leave Isak sends Eskild a text informing him of the situation. He lets Even lead the way and takes Even’s hand in his bringing his other hand to rest on Even’s arm. At least he can keep himself grounded that way. At least this way he can keep Even from leaving his side. 

Isak can’t help feeling terrified the whole way. Even insists on walking and Isak lets him even if it will take them a good 30 minutes to get there. Even half runs the whole way and Isak has to walk his fastest just to keep up. But he can’t allow himself to lose track of Even right now. He has no idea what Even could do if Isak left him by himself, but thankfully Even seems determined to make it back to his apartment at record speed. Every once in a while Isak takes out his phone to quickly update Ellie and he briefly has to let go of Even’s arm.  

“Who are you texting all the time?” Even asks suddenly in the middle of his long monologue. 

He has been talking nonstop since the two of them left and it’s difficult to keep up with everything Even is saying. 

“Eskild,” Isak lies. “I just let him know that I was staying at yours and now he is complaining about be leaving him alone.”

Even smiles and grabs Isak’s hand tightly. 

“I can’t wait until we get home again,” he whispers into Isak’s ear. 

Isak has never felt so relieved to see Ellie in his life but when Even unlocks the door and he spots her sitting on the couch waiting for them he feels like he might cry.  

-

Ellie who is clearly in control of the situation. She contacts Even’s parents and the three of them take charge of the situation, leaving Isak feeling completely useless. He greets Even’s parents in the doorway when they arrive only ten minutes after Ellie has called. Even’s dad briefly shakes his hand before he hurries inside to help Ellie deal with Even but Liv stays for a few minutes.

“You must be Isak,” Even’s mother says with a friendly but rushed smile. “I’m Liv. It’s nice to finally meet you. Even has talked about you.” 

“It’s nice to meet you too,” Isak says shakily. “I’m so sorry about all this. I should have realised sooner. I should have called you and...and…”

Liv puts a hand on his shoulder to stop him from rambling. 

“This is not your fault, Isak. You did good. Even is going to be fine. That’s what matters. You are not going to blame yourself for this, okay?”

She looks at him with friendly eyes and all Isak wants to do is cry. He takes a deep breath and nods. 

“Okay,”  he whispers. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Not right now, sweetie. Anders and I have things under control now,” Liv says with a final smile. “It’s going to be okay.”

With that she joins her husband in Even’s bedroom where Isak can hear Anders and Even talk to each other. Isak is unsure on what to do next. If he should go home or stay, but he makes his way over to the couch and sinks down on it. Not long after Ellie slips out of Even’s room. She gives him a brief look. She looks a little shaken now that Isak has time to watch her closely and he can’t blame her. It can’t be easy watching your parent like this. He knows it is not easy because he has, countless of times. 

“I’ll be in my room,” she says and Isak nods silently. 

He watches her disappear into her room, closing the door behind her. He can hear Even’s voice on the other side of the wall. He sounds angry and irritated but Isak cannot hear the exact words. 

-

When Even eventually crashes the next day Isak can feel himself deflate completely. It’s been a long week, not to mention the past 24 hours when it feels like Isak has hardly slept at all.  

It had taken hours for Even to crash. He had been angry with Isak for calling Ellie, going behind Even’s back and betraying him. When Isak had tried to step in to reason with Even, Even had unleashed his anger towards Isak which had in all honesty felt like a slap to the face. While Isak had known that it wasn’t personal and only a symptom of Even’s mania the words Even spew at him still hurt. However Even had been even angrier with his parents and even though he knew it was selfish Isak was glad that Even’s parents were there to take the blunt of the damage. They seemed unfazed by the vile insults that Even threw at them and continued to talk to Even in a calm manner while Isak defeatedly had retreated back into the corner once again.

Eventually, Even had begun to calm down and so had his insults. He had taken his medication and eaten some leftovers before falling asleep in his bedroom. 

Isak has never felt so powerless in his life and now that Even is sleeping in his bedroom, curled up on his side with his duvet drawn up all the way up to his face, he feels even more helpless. He has no idea what to do. Even’s parents have gone home and now it’s only him and Ellie left. 

“He will sleep for a while,” Ellie says. “He needs the sleep so it is good for him but it is a good idea to check on him from time to time in case he wakes up. Now all we can do is wait.” 

Isak nods uselessly. 

“I’m going to call grandpa,” Ellie says. “I need to talk to him about a few things.”

“Okay,” Isak whispers. 

Ellie disappears into her own room and Isak is left alone on the couch. He has kept in the background ever since they got here, uselessly listening to Even’s parents trying to evaluate the situation and calm Even down.

“It’s okay,” Ellie says once she returns. “I get that this was scary for you but this is sadly how it is and now the tough part begins. Him being depressed. That is always worse.” 

“Yeah,” Isak says. “I’m really sorry about all this,” he adds. 

“It’s not your fault, Isak,” Ellie says tiredly. “You should probably head home though. I’ve got this under control.” 

“I want to stay,” Isak says firmly and Ellie shrugs.

“I’m not going to force you to go but you should be prepared that dad might not want you to be here right now. Or he may. This is difficult for him and it’s even harder for him when the people he loves are around because he feels guilty and useless. And at the same time he needs us to be there for him even if he wants to push us away.” 

“What can I do then?” Isak asks.

“Just be patient and don’t stress him. Respect his wishes but be there for him as well. Just let him know that you are here. He may want to be alone for a little while and that is fine too. He just needs to know that he is not alone. That we are there for him. Do you think you can do that?”

For the first time in weeks she is looking at him like she doesn’t completely trust him. He doesn’t blame her. By now he knows how strong she is and how much she looks after Even. He knows she doesn’t hate him or wants to drive him away from Even. She just needs to know that Isak can do this. And he can. He knows he can. 

“I can,” he says determinedly. “I can be there for him.”

-

Isak tries his best to be there for Even just like he has promised but it is not easy. Not at all. It rips Isak’s heart out seeing Even like this. It’s been two days and so far Even has barely said a word to him. He has barely eaten anything and it feels like he has not even moved from his spot on the bed. He won’t let Isak stay with him for long and Isak spends his nights on the living room couch feeling restless and unable to sleep. He spends half the night listening for any sound that Even might need him and falls asleep during the early hours only to wake up a few hours later to his alarm clock.

He and Ellie get into some sort of routine of waking up in the morning, making breakfast and taking turns to look after Even. Ellie goes to school in the morning and when Isak has to leave in the morning as well Even’s mother or father makes sure to come by. Even if it is just for a few hours. It is hard to leave Even but once again he finds himself having to trust that Ellie and Even’s parents know what to do. Isak has not had much time to speak to either of them. He has just greeted them in the doorway but so far they have not been hostile towards him and the day before Even’s mother had even hugged him.

“Hey!” Isak whispers as he tippy toes into the bedroom and sits down at the side of the bed. 

It’s been three days since Even crashed and Isak has just come home from his final shift at the hospital. 

“How are you?” Isak asks carefully and lightly puts his hand on Even’s leg. 

Even doesn’t move away from his touch so Isak lightly pats the blanket covered leg softly.

“Is this okay?” Isak asks. 

“Yeah…” Even says hoarsely. “What time is it?”

“Almost five,” Isak says. “Are you hungry? I can make you something to eat!”

Even doesn’t answer and Isak bites his lip. 

“Have you had anything to drink today?” he continues and eyes the bottle of water on the nightstand. It looks like Even has had a few sips since Isak left this morning but Isak knows that Even needs to drink more in order to stay hydrated. 

“Do you want me to get you something to drink? There is some apple juice in the fridge,” he suggests. “I know you don’t feel like eating or drinking but-”

“You should go home!” Even interrupts.  

“I want to be here. If you let me,” Isak insits. “Is that okay? If I stay in here for a little while. I’ll just lie down next to you and we don’t have to do anything else. You can sleep. Is that okay?”

“It is okay, Isak” Even mutters. 

Isak closes his mouth and instead lies down next to Even on the other side of the bed. Neither of them say anything for a little while and for a second Isak thinks that Even is sleeping again. 

“This is not going to work,” Even says and opens his eyes. 

His gaze looks empty and despite sleeping for two days straight he looks exhausted. 

“Don’t say that,” Isak says weakly.

“It’s the truth. This is how it is always going to be with me. This is what I always do. I lie here and people have to take care of me. I suck everyone down with me and in the end you will end up hating me for everything I put you through. I will hurt you so many times until you hate me.” 

“I won’t hate you,” Isak says as he readjusts the blanket over Even’s body. “You don’t know that. Stop saying things that are not true. I love you. I will always love you.” 

“You should leave now before I destroy you.” Even says. 

“I don’t want to leave,” Isak begs. “I want to be here with  you. I want to take care of you.”

“Go home, Isak,” Even mumbles from underneath the covers. “ I want to be alone.”

Ellie said to be prepared for this but as soon as Isak hears the words it feels like he is about to shatter. He bites his lip but doesn’t allow himself to cry. This isn’t about you, his mind whispers. Stop being selfish.

“Okay, I’ll let you sleep,” he says. 

He gives Even’s back one final pat before he crawls out of the bed and leaves the room. 

-

Isak ends up going back to his and Eskild’s. Ellie reassures him that he has done nothing wrong and it is best to give Even a little break. So he returns home with a heavy heart, feeling utterly hopeless. He had hoped he would be able to do more for Even but at the moment it feels like he is only making things worse.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Eskild says. 

“I just hate this. Seeing him like this and being completely useless. He doesn’t want me around. I’m only making it worse for him.” 

Eskild sits down next to him. 

“He wants you around. But right now he is sick and he is going to push people away. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you. Right? You just need to let him be for now. You’ve done all you could do and I think his family knows what is best for him. If they say to give him space then give him space. They will look after him.”

“Yeah,” Isak says unhappily. 

“Come here,” Eskild says and offers Isak a hug which Isak accepts. “It is going to be okay. For now you should just let Even know that you are still there whenever he wants you. In the meantime I think you should hang out with your friends and focus on yourself. And try to get some sleep, you look tired, Baby-Jesus.” 

His bed feels empty that night but not nearly as empty as the couch in Even’s living room. His pillow still smells like Even and if he listens closely he can hear Eskild taking a shower in the bathroom. After three days with barely any sleep he feels exhausted. He should try to sleep. He knows Eskild is right but it is just so hard when he doesn’t know how Even is. 

**I love you <3 **

He sends the text even if he knows Even won’t even check his phone right now.  He presses his face into his pillow and tries to fall asleep. 

-

He actually feels a little better when he wakes up the next morning. He has slept for almost six hours which for him is pretty good during stressful periods and things don’t seem as hopeless when he is not completely exhausted. Eskild has already left for work so Isak takes his time in the kitchen and makes himself some coffee and breakfast which he eats in front of the TV before he spends another 15 minutes cleaning up and doing the dishes. It will make Eskild happy to come back to a completely clean kitchen.

He sends another text to Even to let him know that he is thinking about him even if he knows that he won’t get a reply. Since he doesn’t have any plans for the day he texts Jonas and Mahdi and asks them if they want to hang out, just like Eskild had suggested. They both agree to go out for lunch and three hours later Isak meets up with them at a sushi place. 

It is a good distraction to spend some time with them and focus on something else for a few hours, and Isak soon finds himself able to smile and relax without thinking about Even for every second of the day.

“I still don’t understand how anyone can like sushi,” Mahdi says as he wrinkles his nose. 

“It’s super good,” Isak says. “Much better than boring yakiniku,” he continues and Jonas nods in agreement. 

“You just need to learn,” Jonas insists. “Have you tried it at least three times? Because that’s how long it takes!”

Mahdi sighs deeply.

“Yes I’ve tried at least three times You know this! You are always forcing me to try everytime we go out. It’s not going to work. I’m never going to like it no matter how hard the two of you conspire against me,” he says. 

Isak laughs.

“Poor you,” he says. “Being forced to try sushi all the time.”

“If Magnus was here he would agree with me,” Mahdi sighs. “He is more reliable when it comes to food preferences than the two of you.” 

Eventually though they steer in on the topic of Isak and Even because obviously his friends are curious about what is going on in Isak’s love life. Isak finds himself telling them about Even’s depression, and his own struggles with feeling useless and insecure about the whole situation. 

“I just want to be there for him and show him that I love him but he doesn’t want me there and I don’t know how to take care of him. I don’t feel strong and it feels like I make him feel worse when I should be there to make him feel better.”

Isak lets out a heavy sigh and momentarily closes his eyes. It’s like everything that he has been keeping inside him for the past days is finally pouring out and he can’t stop himself. All his concerns about not being enough finally come to the surface and all the insecurities in him come to life.

“It’s just hard. Seeing him like this when he is usually so full of life. And then I just feel selfish for thinking like this when he is the one that is struggling. I knew this day would come and I wanted to be able to help him through it because I love him so much but what if I’m not enough? I couldn’t help my mom so maybe I’m not cut out for this-”

“That’s bullshit,” Jonas says bluntly and Isak looks up. 

“You are good enough!” he continues. “You need to stop thinking that you are not.”

Isak nods but doesn’t feel convinced. 

“Look! Have you tried to be there for Even?”

“Yeah,” Isak whispers.

“And you have told him that you are there for him if he needs you? And you’ve listened to his wishes?”

“Yeah,” Isak says again. “I guess.”

“And you are not abandoning him for pushing you away?” Jonas presses. 

“What the fuck? No?” Isak says. “I’d never leave him like that. I’m just trying to respect his wishes and not push him too hard.”

“Then I think you are doing enough,” Jonas smiles. “And don’t think you are making things worse either. It sounds like you are listening to him.” 

“But you are also allowed to vent, especially around us,” Mahdi fills in. “Like I understand how tough it must be and we are here for you if you need to talk about it.”

-

Three days later Ellie texts him and lets him know that Even is doing a little better and that it would probably be okay to come over again. Isak feels relieved as he reads her words but decides to at least text Even and ask him if it is okay. He is not even sure Even will answer but if he does then at least Isak has respected his wishes. So far Isak has texted Even every day just to let Even know he loves him and is there for him but all of his texts have remained unanswered.

**hey, baby.**  
**Is it okay if I come over**  
**today? I love you. Call me**  
**if you want to <3 <3**  


 

He is prepared to not get an answer but half an hour later he receives a text from Even with a simple “ok” it’s not much but it is enough for Isak to feel a little hope. It is not much but Isak holds on to it anyway.

Ellie is sitting in the living room when Isak lets himself in. 

“Hey!” he says. 

She briefly looks up from the book she is reading

“Hi!” 

The door to Even’s bedroom is open and Isak frowns. 

“Dad is taking a shower,” Ellie explains. “He’s doing a bit better and has been eating and drinking today. It is not good but at least he is not trying to push everyone away. Grandma was over earlier and she thought he was doing better as well. I think he might be glad to see you!” 

Isak nods and walks towards the couch.

“What are you reading?” he asks curiously and she holds up her biology book. 

“I hate biology,” she complains. “And I have a test on Tuesday and I’ve barely had time to study.” 

She lets out a tired sigh and Isak realises how much of a toll Even’s episode has taken on her. She has been so strong through this that Isak has forgotten how young she is. How vulnerable she is after all. Just like Isak used to be when he was her age. Only he was never as strong.

“I could probably help you with that. If you want?” Isak offers gently. “I loved biology in school.”

Ellie looks at him in surprise.

“Really?” she says. “You’d do that for me?” 

He smiles.

“Only if you want of course. I’m not the best teacher though, but we could give it a try.”

Ellie nods slowly. 

“Thank you, Isak!” she says and smiles. “I appreciate it!”

The door to the bathroom opens and Even steps out. He looks a little better than last time Isak saw him and the shower seemed to have done him good. 

“Hey,” Isak says.

“Hi…” Even replies.

“Is it still okay if I’m here?” Isak asks nervously and slowly walks over to where Even has stopped in the middle of the room. 

He doesn’t know what to do next. If it is okay for him to reach out and touch Even but slowly he lets his hand find Even’s and hesitantly lets his fingers wrap around Even’s wrist. Gently so that Even can easily remove his hand if he wants to. He doesn’t. Instead he looks at Isak with tired eyes.

“Yeah of course. I think I’m going back to bed though. I’m tired.”

“Okay. I was thinking about helping Ellie with some biology,” Isak says. “Do you want me to come in later? Or now?”

Even smiles slightly. 

“You help Ellie. I think I’ll take a nap.“

Isak nods.

“Okay,” he says. “Just let me know if you need anything. We’ll be out here.”

A small smile spreads on Even’s face. 

“You’re nice” he says before he disappears into the living room. 

Isak enjoys helping Ellie with biology. She is a fast learner and it gives him something else to think about. They work together for nearly an hour before Ellie asks for a break. She lets out another tired sigh and rests her head on the table. Isak watches her for a little while. 

“You are really strong. You know that right?” he offers quietly. “Everything you do for Even is so amazing and I don’t even know how you do it. You are a great daughter, Ellie.”

She looks up and smiles sadly. 

“I try my best,” she says quietly. “I try to be there for him and do the right thing but it is hard sometimes. But I try to be strong for him. Just like he has been for me since mom left…”

Isak nods. 

“I think you are so strong. Stronger than any 16-year-old I’ve met. I don’t think many people your age can do that. I forget how young you are sometimes and sometimes I wish I had been more like you when I was your age. Maybe I could have helped my mom then.” 

“What’s wrong with her?” Ellie asks gently. 

“She has schizophrenia,” Isak explains. “It’s pretty bad a lot of the time. She gets hallucinations and hears voices that tell her to do things or forbid her from doing other things. They scare her. And she gets delusions that people are after her or are spying on her and things like that. In periods she won’t talk and she can hardly manage to function. I don’t know. I don’t see her that often…but she is getting help now...at least.”

“You know it’s not your fault right? What happened to your mom?” Ellie mumbles. “Just like it’s not my fault that dad is sick. Or yours.”

“I know that.” Isak says. “But I still wish I had taken better care of her and that I hadn’t left her when I was 18 but I did. I tried to take care of her but she didn’t want to get help and she didn’t believe she was sick. Anyway, I wish I had been stronger and braver. Like you.”

“But you didn’t have anyone else, right? I remember you said that your dad left. And you were all alone. I could not do that. And dad knows he is sick and he tries to manage it as best as he can. Even if it is hard when it does happen things are not always bad and most of the time he lives a pretty normal life.”

Isak nods and buries his head in his hands.

“You’d think I’d be used to it by now but look at me. I’ve been a mess this whole week, not knowing what to do,” he mutters.

“You’re not a mess,” she whispers. “And I know how much it means to dad that you’ve been here. Even if he has not shown it yet. You are a good person for him. It’s been good to have you here actually. Grandma and grandpa too of course but I don’t want you to feel like you’ve been useless because that’s not true. I could never have done this without grandma and grandpa and I’m so grateful that we have them in our lives but I’m also happy for dad that he has you.”  

“Thank you,” Isak whispers.

“Do you want me to make you some hot chocolate?” she asks carefully. “And before you say no you should know that I make the best ones in the world.” 

Isak smiles slightly and dries his eyes. 

“How could I say no to that?” he says. 

She heads over to the kitchen and ten minutes later she carries three cups of hot chocolate on a tray.

“Do you want to take this one in to dad?” she asks and he nods. 

He takes one of the cups, filled with hot chocolate, marshmallows and whipped cream and knocks on Even’s door. He expects Even to be asleep but to his surprise his knock is followed by a quiet come in. When he steps inside Even is sitting up in bed, reading a book. He looks up as Isak enters.

“Hey,” he says. “Has Ellie made hot chocolate?” 

“What, no?” Isak tries. “I’ve made hot chocolate.” 

Even chuckles. 

“Isak, the master of cooking,” he says foundly. “Or should it be the master of lying?”

“Do you want some?” Isak asks and waits for Even to nod before he takes any steps further. 

“Thank you for coming back,” Even murmurs as Isak hands him the cup. “I’m sorry for saying stuff to you. I n ever meant to. I ’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Isak says. “We are going to be okay. That is all that matters. We are just going to take things minute by minute, right?” 

“That’s chill,” Even says.

“We’ll take things completely chill,” Isak promises and kisses Even’s lip softly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is. As usual it would mean so much to me if you let me know what you thought :) 
> 
> This chapter started out on a happy note and ends a bit heavier. Lot's of you have wished for more Ellie and Isak time and I knew I wanted to include Even going through an episode and ISak trying to help him through it. with Ellie's help. It is important for their character developments that they see this side of eachother. Isak needs to see Ellie being the strong girl that she truly is and I hope you can see that as well. She is flawed but she is also very strong and now Isak has seen her in a different light. I always wanted to make them kindof paralells to eachother but with some distinct differences of course. After all they are their own persons but share similar experiences of abandonment etc which I think will be explored even further. I hope you like that. They are working together in this but Isak also takes a step back and let's Even's family guide him. Much like Isak used Sonja's advice because this is something new to him and he wants to do his best.
> 
> While this is centered around Even's episode and depression it is much more focused on Isak (as it is his pov) and how he is left feeling and dealing. It is quite a shock for him to see Even like this and he is not sure what to do. He believes he is strong enough but soon learn that he is. He is a bit stuck with his own pain and with the thought of not being enough but in the end with a little bit of support he realises that he can do it. Next chapter will leave off where this one ended pretty much :) I've also come up with an ending for this story and there are not that many chapters left. How do you think it is going to end?


	24. The love of my life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! 
> 
> I can't believe this is the second to last chapter from Even's POV :/ I've decided to make it 27 chapters in total which means that the final chapter will be from Isak's perspective. It's because the final scene will be better from his pov! You will understand and hopefully like it :) 
> 
> Thank you to all of you who read, comment and leave kudos! It means so much to me and without you I wouldn't be able to do it! It means so much to me to see that there are people enjoying this story that I write for you <3 
> 
> And thank you Steffi for all your time <3 
> 
> This chapter takes off where the last one finished and it continues to deal with Even's episode! Just so you are aware of it. Even's headspace is a little better but it is also a slow process! On a happier note the balloon squad makes a comeback!

Isak soon returns to the living room and Even puts down the book and lies down completely on the bed. He lies awake, eyes closed, and just listens to the sound of Isak helping Ellie with her homework. It is a nice sound and comforting in a way. Hearing them chat with each other reminds Even that he is not alone. Even when the heaviness in his body remains. 

He lies like that until he can hear Ellie start cooking dinner in the kitchen and Isak turn on the TV. He wonders if Isak is planning to stay the night or not. He has no idea what is going on with Isak’s life at the moment. How he is doing in uni or if he has shifts at work scheduled. It’s as if he is completely detached from the outside world and the only things that exist are this room, or at least this apartment, and the dark and heavy thoughts in Even’s head. 

He can’t help but think that it wasn’t long ago he slipped and now here he is again not even a handful of months later. Slipping, falling. Before this year he hadn’t had an episode in years and he considered himself stable and in control. Now it feels like he doesn’t have any control at all. He will have to book in an appointment with his therapist, and his psychiatrist as well. Maybe they will want to up his dosage. Maybe it is not enough anymore to keep a healthy and balanced lifestyle. Maybe his morning runs are not enough anymore. Not that he has been on them for the longest time but still. He’s been doing better lately. Work has been a healthy workload and overall he has been happier than in a long time. It doesn’t make sense. But when did it ever make sense? And when was Even ever in control? 

He picks up his phone and skims through all his unread texts from his friends. They all let him know that they are there for him and that they hope he feels better soon. He supposes he should answer them but he can’t be bothered. Instead, he opens his inbox and reads a couple of emails from his boss. They tell him the same things basically. To rest, to focus on himself and take his time. There is no stress. The bottom line is that no one expects anything from him. 

A little while later there is a timid knock on the door and Even can tell that it is Isak outside. He lets out a quiet “come in” and waits for Isak to step inside. 

“Hello,” Isak whispers. 

“Hi,” Even sighs. 

“How are you feeling?” Isak asks and takes a step into the room, still looking a bit hesitant about whether or not he is pushing too far. 

Even shrugs. 

“Would you like to eat something?” Isak asks. “Ellie made some kind of pasta. It smells really good and I swear I never went near the kitchen so it should be alright,” he continues and smiles awkwardly. 

“Okay,” Even says. 

“Do you want to eat with us in front of the TV or in here?” Isak asks and looks so hopeful it almost crushes Even and his already bad conscience. 

He knows Isak doesn’t mean to but it still makes Even feel guilty for being a burden to Ellie and Isak and the rest of his family. For making them take care of him and stress about him. 

“Here,” he says and doesn’t dare to meet Isak’s eyes. 

“You know that is completely okay, right?” Isak says softly. “Just take things one step at the time?”

“Yeah,” Even sighs. 

“I’ll go get you a plate and something to drink. Ellie and I might do some more studying if she wants to. Otherwise I think I might head home. I have a lecture in the morning and then I work a shift in the afternoon. But I can come back later. I only work for a few hours. Or I could stay the night with you. If you want to?” 

Isak rambles and Even finds it endearing even if it means that he has to answer one more question. Does he want Isak to stay? Does he want Isak to go and come back tomorrow? 

-

Even wakes up in the middle of the night to a dry throat. He stretches his arm out in the dark until he finds the water bottle and unscrews the cap before bringing the bottle to his lips. He drinks almost half of it before he puts it down and glances to his left. Isak is sleeping soundly next to him, and in the dark Even can just make out his contours and the way his back curves as he sleeps on his stomach. Arms tucked underneath the pillow and one leg drawn slightly towards his chest. His presence doesn’t feel overwhelming like it had a few days ago. Instead Even seeks comfort by curling up close to Isak, making Isak unconsciously turn to the side and make room for Even in his arms. Even lets Isak wrap his arms around him and can feel Isak’s nose poke his back.

“You okay?” Isak whispers, still half asleep. 

“Yeah,” Even whispers back. 

Isak pulls him slightly closer and tighter against his chest and Even can hear his breathing slowing down again in mere seconds. Even lies awake for a little while, trying to figure out what date it is without having to look at his phone. With a sinking heart he realises that it is Ellie’s birthday in only a few days. Tomorrow is Monday and Ellie’s birthday is on Friday.  Luckily, he has bought her present ages ago, a new lense for her camera - but it still saddens him that he won’t be able to give her the birthday she deserves. She will act as if it doesn’t matter but to Even it does. For sixteen years he has always been able to make her birthday perfect for her. But this year if seems like he will fail completely. 

-

“What are you thinking about?” Isak asks softly. 

They are eating dinner together. By the TV this time. Ellie is at the gym so it’s just the two of them. Even has not done much but lie in bed most of the day, but when Isak came home from his shift they had taken a shower together and afterwards Isak had made them pancakes which they are now eating with strawberry jam and whipped cream. 

“It’s Ellie’s birthday on Friday,” Even says tiredly. 

“Okay,” Isak says calmly. 

“I bought a gift for her a while ago but I just want to make sure her birthdays are perfect and now I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it. It hate failing her.”

Isak nods slowly and puts down his plate.

“I don’t think you are failing her at all and I know for a fact that she is not thinking that either. She’s turning 17. She doesn’t want a grand party thrown by her dad anyway. Just the two of you will be enough. Or with your parents of course. And if you are not up for it on Friday I’m sure she’ll be fine with waiting another week or two.” 

Even smiles slightly. He supposes Isak is right that Ellie might not care as much as he does, but it is the feeling of letting her down. Something he definitely doesn’t want to do on her birthday. 

“I guess you are right,” he sighs. “She’s too cool for her old dad.”

Isak smiles and moves to kiss Even’s cheek.

“Well you are old but I don’t think she will ever be too cool for you,” he says. “Just talk to her if you feel up for it. I’m sure it will be fine.”

“ I hope so,” Even says. 

“It will,” Isak promise and grabs Even’s hand. “Everything will be okay.”

-

Even gets to talk to Ellie the morning after when she is eating breakfast at the kitchen island. Just like Isak had suspected she is very chill about it all. 

“Don’t feel bad about it dad,” is the first thing she says after a long and heavy apology from him and a promise to make up for it. “I don’t need much for my birthday to be perfect. We don’t need to do anything. I was kind of planning on going out with Ida and a few friends anyway. For dinner and stuff. But maybe we could make dinner plans with grandma and grandpa for Saturday. I’m sure they would love to come here.” 

Even can feel the relief rush to him. 

“Yeah that sounds good,” he says gratefully. “Ellie, I’m still really sorry about this and that your birthday had to be pushed to the side like this. I know it is on Friday so I can still give you your present but I still wish I could have made more plans and arranged something for you. For dinner or anything and it breaks my heart that I could not do that for you this year.”

“It’s really okay, dad,” she says. “I’m totally happy with going out with my friends tomorrow night and if you want to we can have dinner on Saturday. Or we can wait a week or two. I don’t mind at all. We don’t have to decide now anyway. We can just decide on Saturday.”

Even smiles gingerly. 

“I’d like that,” he says and suddenly remembers that she has her test today. 

The test which Isak had helped her study for both on Sunday and Monday evening before he had left to head home. “Oh, isn’t your exam today? The one Isak helped you study for?” 

She nods and immediately looks a bit nervous. 

“Yeah, We’ll see how it goes,” she says. “I think I should be able to pass at least.”

“I’m sure you will do okay,” he says. “I’m going to take a shower. Don’t drink all the coffee.” 

-

By Friday he feels well enough to make Ellie breakfast before school and give her her presents. It’s not much more than bake off bread and freshly pressed orange juice, but just being able to surprise her when she wakes up makes him feel less guilty. It means more to him that he is willing to let on and spending the morning together just the two of them makes him happy. Watching her open her gifts brings a smile to his face. 

“This is amazing, dad. Thank you so much!” she says as she sees the camera lens he has bought for her. 

“You are welcome,” he smiles. 

“I’m going to try it out tomorrow,” she says excitedly. “Maybe we can take a walk together? It’s been a long time since we’ve done that. You know just taken our cameras and gone for a walk.” 

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Even smiles. 

He’s barely been outside and he is starting to feel slightly restless inside the apartment and even if he is hesitant to push himself too far, a walk with Ellie shouldn’t be too much at this point. Not with the way he is feeling right now. 

“So are you going out with your friends tonight?” he asks mostly for confirmation. 

“Yes, me, Ida and two other girls from class are going to go to a restaurant,” she says. “It’s recently opened and it’s supposed to be good.”

Even nods. 

“How are things with Ida?” he asks. 

“You know,” Ellie shrugs. “Still a bit weird sometimes but I try to not feel too hurt. She’s still together with her boyfriend and everything but we can still hang out sometimes. Like now. It’s all good honestly.”

She smiles again before finishing her coffee and standing up from the chair, collecting the dishes from the table and bringing them with her.

“I need to go now or else I’ll be late,” she continues as she quickly loads the dishwasher and hurries towards her room to collect her bag. 

“Have fun today,” Even says on his way into his bedroom. “Happy birthday again. I love you!”

“I love you too. Bye!” she calls and closes the front door behind her. 

-

The following days Even finds himself feeling better and better each day. His parents come over for a small birthday dinner on Saturday night and he and Isak go for a walk on Sunday. He has agreed with his therapist to take another week off from work and focus on getting completely recovered before diving head first into everything again just because he is feeling better. Now that his thoughts aren’t as dark anymore he feels more okay with that decision. 

In addition, his psychiatrist had not immediately suggested a change of his medication when Even saw him yesterday. The episode had not been severe, so for now he had seen no reason to change Even’s dosage but rather focus on Even maintaining a healthy and balanced lifestyle. It’s a scary thought to think that it might not be enough one day because he rather not change his medication when he’s been able to keep a low dose for a long time but over the years he has come to accept that it is a real possibility. Though he is generally good at taking things day by day and not stress, it’s not always easy to not dwell. Especially when he still feels a bit frail in the aftermath of his depression. 

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Isak says softly when Even fills him in on his appointments the day after. 

“I do want you to know that you can tell me anything though,” he adds quietly. “Like I want to know everything about you as long as you want to share it and I want you to feel like you can rely on me when things are hard.” 

“I do,” Even says. “I do want to talk to you about these kinds of things. Sometimes it is just hard even if I’ve had this disorder for more than half of my life. It’s just hard to accept sometimes, that it will always be like this. Unpredictable and not really knowing when the next episode will come.” 

“We never know what is about to happen though,” Isak says. “For better or worse.” 

“Yeah,” Even sighs. “I just hate it sometimes.” 

“No matter what happens we’ll always have each other though,” Isak says. “Right?”

Even turns his head slightly to the side.

“Right,” he says. “I’m glad I’ve got you.”

“Me too,” Isak smiles. 

-

Another week passes and it’s suddenly December and the countdown for Christmas officially begins. Ellie brings down all the decorations from the attic and decorates the whole apartment the first weekend.

Even invites the boys over to bake gingerbread cookies and drink glögg just like they always do. It’s a tradition they have had for years now, ever since they reconnected after Even’s episode and it is an important tradition for all of them. They usually take turns hosting and this year he had offered to do it. When Ellie was younger she was always with them and she used to look forward to that particular evening for weeks in advance. Since a few years back she usually makes other plans but both Yousef and Elias bring their children so Even’s apartment certainly isn’t empty. This year Isak is there too.

Baby Inam has grown so much since Even last saw him, and both Alma and Nova, Yousef’s daughters, have gotten bigger. Alma squeals in happiness as soon as she spots Even but Nova hides behind her dad’s legs and lets her younger sister take the lead. 

“They seem to have had a personality swap recently,” Yousef jokes. “This one has completely come out of her shell but Nova has turned a little shy I’m afraid.” 

Even takes Alma in his arms and tries to get eye contact with Nova who turns her head away. It’s been a while since he saw her so he’s not surprised that she is a bit shy around him to be honest. Ellie used to be the same when she was Nova’s age. 

He takes Alma with him and walks towards the kitchen where Adam and Mutta has already made themselves at home. 

“I hope you bought enough dough,” Adam says. 

“Three packs,” Even confirms with a smirk. “You are not meant to eat it though.” 

“Honestly, we should just skip the baking part and just buy one dough each and then eat it raw. It’s so much better than the cookies,” Adam says. 

“Have to agree with you there,” Mutta says and Even laughs. 

“Every year is always the same,” he says. I remember when you fed Ellie so much dough one year she got the worst stomach ache and I had to stay up half the night with her.” 

“She did think it was worth it though,” Adam says. “And we didn’t force her. She wanted to eat it raw.”

“She was nine years old,” Even says shaking his head. “She did everything you did because she thought it was cool.” 

“Of course she wanted to be just like us,” Mutta says. “We are her coolest uncles.” 

Soon after they are joined by Yousef and Nova who seem to have gotten over the initial shyness. Even puts Alma down on the floor where he has put the box with Ellie’s old toys and she immediately toddles towards the box and proceeds to throw everything out.  

Even takes a seat on the floor next to her and looks over to where Isak is sitting on the sofa.

“Where is Elias?” Even asks. 

“Changing a diaper,” Isak answers. “I said he could use your bedroom,” he continues with a small smile.

“Did you get to hold Inam?” Even asks and Isak immediately shakes his head. 

“I’m not good with babies,” he says quietly. “They don’t like me so…” 

“I don’t think anyone could dislike you, Isak,” Even says warmly. “And babies are not that bad either. Especially when you don’t have to change the diapers.”

“Haha,” Isak says. “I’ve never really known anyone with babies so...I’m just not good with them.”

“Why don’t you join us on the floor?” Even suggests. “I’m sure Alma would not mind and the rest of the boys can manage the kitchen.” 

“Okay,” Isak sighs and plops down next to Even, stretching his long legs in front of him.

-

The evening moves along nicely. Even and Isak spend some time playing with Alma and Nova and even if Even can tell that Isak is uncomfortable around the children, seeing Isak interact with them makes him adore Isak even more. Isak builds a tower with Nova and lifts her up in his arms when it gets too tall for her to reach up and when the two of them tear it down they both laugh equally happily. Then Alma timidly asks Isak to read her a book and Even fondly watches the two of them curl up on the couch together, Alma crawling into Isak’s lap and snuggling up close to him. Nova and Even join the other in the kitchen and while Nova helps Mutta and Adam cut out the cookies Even can’t help but look over at Isak every other minute. 

Eventually, Yousef puts the both of them in front of a movie in Even’s room and baby Inam falls asleep in his babynest which means that all of them can catch up on each other’s lives while drinking coffee, glogg and eating gingerbread cookies. The Christmas music is on and Even has lit a few of Ellie’s scented candles which only add to the overall Christmas feel in the apartment. 

“How are you doing?” Elias asks two hours later as he joins Even in the kitchen to help him put everything in the dishwasher and tidy up in the kitchen. Adam and Mikael have already left and Yousef is dressing his two daughters who have both fallen asleep in Even’s bed. Mutta and Isak are chatting together in the living room and Inam is still sleeping. 

It’s been a great night. A much needed night, and Even is happy. 

“Good,” he answers. “Really good you know.”

Elias nods.

“That’s nice to hear. That you are better. And that you and Isak are doing good.” 

Even glances over at Isak again and smiles happily. 

“We are doing great I think. We are both in a good place at the moment.”

“I’m glad,” Elias says. “Anyway I was thinking about New Years. We should do something, all of us. Keep the traditions going.”

“Yeah of course. Ellie will go with her friends and Isak and I don’t have any specific plans. I’ll talk to him though.” 

A little while later everyone but Isak has left and the two of them collapse on the couch.

“Children are exhausting,” Isak mumbles and places his head on Even’s shoulder. “Yousef’s are not too bad though….”

Even smiles against Isak’s head and kisses his hair.  

“Are you telling me that they converted you?” he teases softly. “They do have that power on you.”

Isak snorts loudly. 

“I said they are not that bad,” he says. 

There is a moment of silence before Isak speaks again. 

“You really love children though, right?” Isak whispers. 

Even trails his fingers in Isak’s hair and Isak’s hands rest on Even’s chest, softly stroking up and down. For a while neither of them does or says anything else.

“I do love children,” Even says eventually.  

“Yeah,” Isak mumbles. 

“Isak,” Even says. “You are young and I know children is not something that you want to have right now and that is completely understandable. You shouldn’t be thinking about that and I’m fine with that. At the moment I’m just happy to be with you and I don’t think this is a conversation we need to have at all. Not now. Maybe in five or ten years or when we are ready. When both of us are ready. For now we shouldn’t think about that.” 

He can feel Isak smile and press his lips to his chest. 

“I just want to make you happy,” Isak says.

“You do make me happy,” Even reassures. 

-

Even goes back to work on Thursday the week after. It’s only for a couple of hours but it feels good to be back on his feet again and his co-workers and boss seem happy to have him back as well. It is always a little nervous being back after an episode but this time he is glad that he hadn’t made a mess at work in the process and there hasn’t been anything for his colleagues to clean up after him. 

After work he heads to Isak’s apartment. He’s not been there since his episode so it feels a little nervous about being back and about seeing Eskild again. According to Isak Eskild had not been there for the height of the episode but he is still not sure how Eskild will react to have him back. After all Even knows he put Isak under a lot of stress during his mania and Eskild is very protective of Isak and his well being. Standing outside of the apartment he feels a little nervous as he waits for someone to open. 

“Even, hi!” Eskild says happily as he opens the door. “Come in! Isak is in his room but you are welcome to join me in the kitchen. Isak said you’d come over so I thought we could have dinner together.”

“Hey!” Even says. “Sounds great.” 

He takes off his shoes and jacket and follows Eskild into the kitchen. 

“Is there anything I can do?” he asks as Eskild returns to the stove where he is frying something in a pan. 

“You could chop some veggies,” Eskild says. “I’m making Fajitas. I’m trying to get Isak to eat more vegetables so…” 

Eskild turns around with a small smile. 

“There’s a cutting board in the top drawer to your right and a knife in the knife block. Oh, and there are bowls in that cupboard. “

Even finds everything he needs and begins chopping some onion and tomatoes. 

“Are you okay?” Eskild asks after a little while. 

“Yeah I’m fine,” Even says. “Went back to work today actually, even if it was just for a few hours, so I’m definitely getting there…”

Eskild is silent for a little while. 

“You know…” he starts. “I’m not an expert on depression in any way but my old roommate was diagnosed with clinical depression a few years ago so I have some experience with that at least. I just want you to know that I’m here for you too. Not just Isak. And you are always welcome here. I meant what I said when Isak first moved in and I mean anytime.”

“Thanks…” Even mumbles and moves on to cut the cucumber just as Isak walks into the room. 

“Hi,” he says, a huge smile spreading on his face as soon as he sees Even stand there in the kitchen. 

“Hey,” Even says as Isak walks up to him and kisses his cheek. 

“You didn’t come say hello,” Isak says and plays with the hem of Even’s sleeve. “I’ve missed you all day.” 

Even chuckles. 

“I missed you too,” he says. “I just decided to help Eskild since he is cooking for all of us.” 

“Oh,” Isak says with a smile and kisses Even’s lips quickly. “I should probably set the table then.” 

“Always so helpful,” Eskild says sarcastically. “I asked him if he wanted to help me earlier but he said no because he was busy with uni work. But as soon as you are here he is offering.” 

Isak rolls his eyes but there is a tiny smile playing on his face and Even can tell he secretly likes the banter. 

-

An hour later they are sprawled out on the couch in the living room. Or rather Even and Isak are sharing the couch and Eskild is curled up in the armchair. Isak had picked the movie and he had chosen Lord of The Rings. Even is starting to regret having Isak choose, especially considering Eskild has the long ass director’s cut version. Not because it is a bad movie but because it is so long and after today Even already feels exhausted and they are not even half an hour in. He tries to focus on the TV but he can feel his eyes closing every other second and soon he just gives up altogether and stretches out on the sofa the best he can and rests his head against Isak’s shoulder. Isak immediately responds by lifting his arm and wrapping it around Even’s body. 

“Do you want us to move to the bed?” Isak asks gently and strokes Even’s hair. 

“No,” Even says. “Here is good.” 

“Okay,” Isak smiles. “But I’m not carrying you to bed later. Even if I’m strong enough….” 

“You couldn’t carry me,” Even mumbles as he moves his head into Isak’s lap to lie more comfortably. 

“I could,” Isak insists. “I’m a lot stronger than you. I could definitely carry you,” he says playfully. “I just don’t want to do it.” 

“Haha, okay” Even laughs. 

Over in the armchair Eskild is watching them interact with a fond smile. 

“You two really are the sweetest love birds,” he sighs. “It makes my heart melt almost. No one seeing Isak by himself could ever imagine him being this soft and bashful. He is always so grumpy but as soon as you are present he turns into the most affectionate kitten.” 

Isak blushes violently but smiles towards Eskild nonetheless. 

“You should sleep,” he whispers. “I’ll wake you up when it’s time to go to bed for real. When it is past 10 pm.” 

It doesn’t take long before Even drifts off to sleep to the sound of the TV and Eskild and Isak talking quietly among themselves. Isak continues to play with his hair the whole time. 

He wakes up to Isak and Eskild whispering to each other. The movie is still on in the background, but Even keeps his eyes closed and pretends to still be asleep and just listens to the two friends talk. 

“It’s so nice to see you together,” Eskild says. “Even if it makes me a little jealous I must admit” 

“I’m sure you are going to find someone incredible really soon,” Isak says softly. “If anyone deserve it is you.” 

“You’re so sweet, baby Jesus,” Eskild says. “And I know I say it all the time but I’m really happy for you.” 

“Me too,” Isak says. “Even is the love of my life and despite everything that has happened between us he is the best thing that has happened to me.”

“I’m going to go to bed,” Eskild announces and Even can hear the end credits playing in the background. 

“Okay,” Isak says. “Good night, Eskild!”

“Good night, Isak! Take care of your man and make sure he gets to bed safely.” 

Even can hear Eskild leave but it takes a while before Isak gently shakes his shoulder in order to wake him up. 

“It’s time to wake up,” he whispers softly. “We need to get you ready for bed.” 

He bends down to kiss Even’s cheek and Even finally opens his eyes.

“Hey,” he whispers happily.

“Hi!” Isak answers. “Did you sleep well?” 

“I did,” Even says. “I had the best sleep ever. I just woke up to you telling Eskild I’m the love of your life.”

“You heard that?” Isak smiles and Even nods. 

“Is it true?” he asks. “Am I the love of your life?” 

“Yeah,” Isak whispers and kisses Even again. “You are!”

“I think you are mine too,” Even says. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you liked it. It would mean so much to me if you let me know what you thought! I'm trying to come up with something to write here but I'm soooo tired. It's just after 8pm where I am and I'm ready to sleep, haha. 
> 
> We are nearing Christmas and next chapter will be a Christmas special ;) There will be a lot of joy and happiness but also some angst as Isak is forced to meet people he never wanted to see again :) But most of all they are going to celebrate christmas!


	25. Merry Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see again. I've been pretty busy since last time. I've started on my master thesis which is alot and this weekend I visited a friend on the other side of the country. But I got to finish the chapter on my way home so yay!
> 
> Thank you so much for all your comments and kudos. It means so much to me :) And thank you Steffi who I talked to just 3 minutes ago about last minute edits ;) <3
> 
> This chapter has a lot of fluff and then a little bit of angst towards the end. Not to bad in my opinion but Isak's anxiety returns.

**“** Mom wonders when you want to come over for dinner. Oh and what our plans are for Christmas,” Even says and looks up from his phone.  

Isak takes a few seconds to answer, his throat feeling slightly dry. 

“Oh,” is all he manages when he finally opens his mouth to answer Even who’s sitting next to him on the couch. 

Eskild is working so it’s just the two of them. They have cooked dinner together and now they are just spending the night on the couch, talking. Isak clings to Even’s arm and leans his head against Even’s shoulder. 

“I think it’s her way of saying you are very welcome to spend Christmas with us,” Even continues and smiles warmly. “If you want to. Otherwise I was thinking we could have dinner with them this weekend? So you can meet them for real. Even if you’ve already met them.” 

It’s been a long time since Isak felt excited about Christmas and to be honest he can’t say he is this year either. It’s not always bad, far from it, but it still a sore spot for him because it’s a strong reminder of how broken his family is. How different it is from everyone else’s. To be honest he hasn’t even thought about the possibility of celebrating with Even and his family. They seem so far from his own family and therefore he is sure that their Christmas tradition is filled with warmth, happiness and joy. Isak can’t remember a Christmas where things weren’t shitty. Not since before dad and Lea left. The years since then have either been filled with anxiety or an overwhelming guilt. Still, there is no way he is going to abandon his mother on Christmas. He’s not going to be Lea or his dad and tear her apart more than he has already done. He may not have been able to keep his promise to see her more often but he is not going to abandon her on her favourite holiday. 

“I…” Isak starts. “ I don’t know. I mean I’m going to see my mom and be with her on Christmas so….” 

Even puts his hand on Isak’s thigh.

“I understand,” he says softly. “I just want you to know that you are welcome to spend Christmas with us. And your mother too of course.”

Isak nods gratefully. He’s not sure she would be up for meeting a lot of new people but he can’t deny that it sounds like a nice idea. 

“I need to ask her and see how she is doing. She loves Christmas but she can be pretty unstable during the holidays and I don’t want to stress her out by putting her in a new situation she is not comfortable with.”

“We don’t have to decide anything yet,” Even says. “It’s still a couple of weeks left.”

“I’ll talk to her,” Isak says with a faint smile 

“Maybe I could come with you to visit her someday,” Even suggests. “Or we could have lunch together with her and then you can stay with her and I can go back to my parents’?” 

“Maybe,” Isak mumbles. “I think she would like that. She’s been texting me and has asked about you a few times actually.” 

“Really?” Even says. “What does she think about us? Does she know about us?” 

“She does. I’ve answered her texts a few times. I think she is happy as long as I am happy,” Isak says and grimaces slightly as he continues. “Her texts have not been the most coherent to be honest.” 

“Is she okay?” Even asks and Isak nods slowly. 

“I think so. It is up and down most of the time but no worse than it has been. It’s just making me so anxious because I never know what to expect and a part of me thinks I’ll never get over it. No matter how well she is. It used to be so bad and I’m just waiting for it to happen again.” 

“Yeah but this time around you are not alone,” Even says and kisses Isak’s temple. “I’ll always be by your side. And maybe it won’t be that bad again. I mean she is getting help now and there are people that look after her as well.” 

“I guess,” Isak sighs. “I just don’t want to get my hopes up too much, but at the same time it makes me feel guilty. That I always expect the worst from her. Even when I know she can’t help being sick.” 

“Yeah, but you have the right to feel the way you feel too,” Even says quietly. 

“Yeah, I know;” Isak says and absently grabs Even hold of Even’s hand and intertwines their fingers. “I’ll talk to her. I’m sure she would love to meet you if she is up for it.”

“I guess we’ll see,” Even says. “What do you think about dinner with my parents on Saturday though?”

Isak chuckles. 

“Sounds scary,” he says. 

“Baby, you’ve already met them,” Even laughs. “And to be honest I think a dinner is a much more optimal setting than last time. Don’t you think?” 

Hearing Even being so casual about his episode makes Isak’s worries melt away and he focuses on the sound of Even’s bubbly laugh. 

“They already like you,” Even continues. “By the end of the night they will love you. I promise!” 

-

The days before Christmas Eve rushes by just like every other year but for once Isak doesn’t feel as stressed as previous years. He had never really stressed about gift shopping, Christmas trees or food like most other Norwegians. But this Christmas he feels oddly calm even as he has squeezed in several shifts at work. 

His mom had been delighted when Isak asked her if it was okay if he brought Even with him for Christmas lunch and seemed open to the idea of celebrating the rest of the evening along with the Bech Naesheim’s. Her excitement has made Isak wonder if maybe he projected his own anxiety around her illness on her and she is better at handling things than he thinks. It makes him feel slightly guilty for assuming the worst.

It feels nice, however, to have a Christmas to look forward to and he finds himself enjoying to take part in the stress of finding last minute gifts for everyone. Usually it’s only him and his mother but this year he finds himself having to buy gifts for a handful of people. 

Even has insisted that he didn’t have to buy anything for his parents but Isak wants to do it anyway. Especially since they have welcomed both him and his mother to spend the holiday with them. He buys them a few tea mugs from a collection Even’s mother had told him about over dinner last week and for his mom he buys a soft wool blanket since she is always so cold. For the longest time he tries to come up with something to buy for Even. He wants it to be perfect. He goes to the book shop to see if there is a book Even might enjoy but he can’t think of anything that feels right. Neither does a movie or something for the kitchen. Even loves cooking but he already has everything he needs for that. And it doesn’t feel personal enough. 

For Ellie he cheats and simply texts Even and demands him to tell him what to buy for her. Their relationship is definitely better this time around and since bonding over Even’s episode it feels like they have come to even like each other. Still, he doesn’t really know her that well so gift shopping still feels challenging and scary. He walks around impatiently until Even texts him a list of specific brands of high quality paper, pencil and brushes that Ellie uses for her drawings. It seems like a safe bet so Isak ends up buying a bunch of expensive as fuck papers and an even more expensive pencil. Hopefully she will be happy. 

Eskild feels almost as difficult as Ellie to be honest but then he finds finds the book “Don’t Ever Wipe Tears Without Gloves” He remembers Even talking about the series based on the book and how amazing it is and decides to buy it. Hopefully Eskild hasn’t already read it. 

Eventually, he only has Even left and he still hasn’t found anything of interest. Until he walks past a shop window and spots a super soft looking hoodie. It’s big and cosy and it would be perfect for Even to change into when he comes home from work. He knows how much Even likes changing out of his work clothes and putting on something more comfortable after a long day of wearing smart clothes. A hoodie is probably a little childish but the more he looks at it the more he gets convinced that he needs to buy it for Even. The dark rusty red would look amazing on Even. 

-

“Are you sure you are going to be okay,” Eskild asks as he stands in Isak’s doorway suitcase next to him.

“I’ll be fine, Eskild,” Isak says. “I’m going to see my mom and if she feels up for it she and I will go to Even’s parents. You don’t have to worry about him” 

“I know,” Eskild smiles. “I just can’t help it. I would love to invite you but you wouldn’t like it. My grandma is a little homophobic so things tend to get awkward at dinners…”

“Oh,” Isak replies. “I’m sorry about that.” 

“It’s okay,” Eskild sighs but Isak can see the hint of sadness in his eyes. “She’s not horrible about it so yeah…” 

Isak nods and Eskild clears his throat. 

“I have a gift for you,” he says and pulls his hand out from behind his back and holds out a small box wrapped in red paper with golden strings.

“For me?” Isak asks and sits up in bed as Eskild steps into the room and sits down next to Isak. 

“It’s not much but it is our first Christmas together,” Eskild smiles. 

“Thank you, Eskild,” Isak says. “Actually, I have something for you too.”

He stands up briefly and moves towards his chest of drawers and opens the top one where he has hidden Eskild’s present he bought earlier. Eskild’s face lights up when Isak turns around and hands him the gift. It’s not as neatly wrapped as Eskild’s but this one Isak can blame on the store. 

“Should we open it now or wait until Christmas?” Isak asks as he sits down again. 

“Pfft, now of course,” Eskild says and is already tearing into his present with an impatience that Isak has never seen before. 

He feels a little nervous as he watches Eskild open it. He just hopes Eskild will like it.

“I’m sorry if you’ve already read it. If you have you can always return it. I was thinking of buying you new plates since I smashed one earlier this week but I don’t know. Even said he really liked series and I thought you might too…” Isak rambles as Eskild looks at the book in his hand. 

“I’ve not read it,” he smiles. “Thank you! Now open yours!” 

Isak carefully undoes the string and removes the paper. Inside is a small box and when he opens it he finds three small pins. One with a heart in pride flag colours and a matching one with the pansexual flag colours. The third one is with two interlocked male symbols. 

“The pan one is for Even,” Eskild says. “I thought you could give it to him. And the other ones are for you. Maybe you could wear them or just put them by your desk or something.”

Isak takes the small pride pin in his hand and smiles. Only a few years ago he would not have been ready to wear it as openly but now he feels confident and comfortable enough to put it on his coat and he’ll gladly walk next to Even wearing matching ones.

“Thank you,” he says. “These are really nice.” 

“You are welcome,” Eskild smiles. “I need to get to the train now so Merry Christmas,” he continues and leans forward to give Isak a hug. 

“Merry Christmas,” Isak says. 

-

Isak wakes up on Christmas Eve morning to Even kissing his cheek softly. From the living room he can hear the sound of Christmas music being played and also the smell of bread in the oven. 

“Merry Christmas, babe,” Even whispers as Isak curls up on his side and pulls the cover close to him. 

Through closed eyes he can feel the mattress next to him shift as Even lies down next to him. 

“Merry Christmas,” Isak answers. “Can’t we stay here for a few more minutes?” 

“I think we can,” Even says softly. “Ellie is still asleep and the bread won’t be ready for another ten minutes. You ready for the day?” 

Isak nods and snuggles close to Even’s body. 

“Yeah. You?” 

“Of course. I love Christmas,” Even says. “You are my little Grinch though.” 

“If every Christmas is like this I think I can love Christmas too,” Isak says with a smile. 

They eat breakfast with Ellie half an hour later and around noon Even and Isak take the car to Isak’s mom’s house for lunch. Isak feels a little anxious in the car on the way there but he tries his best to remain calm.

His mother opens the door with a wide smile on her face and immediately pulls Isak into a hug. She is dressed in a nice red dress and her hair is free and curly. She smells a little too strong of her perfume but it’s still a comforting scent and Isak lingers in the hug a little longer than usual. 

“Merry Christmas, mom” he says. 

“Merry Christmas,” she answers. 

He steps to the side to give room  to Even and puts one hand on Even’s back. 

“This is Even,” he says and his mother lights up in another smile. 

“It’s really nice to meet you, Even,” she says and greets Even by shaking his hand. 

“You too,” Even says warmly as the three of them step inside the house. 

“I got help to put up the christmas curtains,” Marianne says as she leads them into the living room. “And to buy groceries. Isn’t that so nice?” 

“It is really nice,” Isak says with a smile. 

“I thought we could sit down for a little while before eating,” Marianne says and looks uncertainly at the two of them. 

“It sounds perfect mom,” Isak reassures and she visibly relaxes in front of them. “Even baked bread earlier today that we brought with us. I thought we could have it at lunch. Or you can eat it tomorrow.” 

“That’s so nice of you,” Marianne smiles and turns to Even. 

They spend some time in the living room and Even and Marianne immediately hit it off. Isak feels content just watching the two of them interact and just puts in a word or two in their conversation. 

After a while they move into the kitchen and Isak’s mom heats up the Christmas porridge. As she stands at the stove Isak can see her talk to herself almost soundlessly before she seems to collect herself and looks at him with a smile. 

“Do you need any help, mom?” he asks trying to sound as normal as possible.

Behind him Even squeezes his shoulder. 

“No, sweetie,” she says. “I think the table is set and we have everything we need. And this will be ready in a minute.”

-

They stay with Marianne for several hours until it gets ready to leave for Even’s parents’ house. Marianne sits in the backseat on the way there and Isak sits next to Even in the front seat. Marianne sings along to the Christmas music on the radio. Between her legs she has a paper bag with her gifts as well as a flower for Even’s parents for inviting her. 

Ellie is already there when they arrive and the whole apartment smells like Christmas. Isak has a feeling Even’s parents have spent hours in the kitchen just to make everything ready. 

“Is there anything I can help with in the kitchen,” Marianne asks politely after everyone has greeted each other. “I feel bad to just walk in here without bringing anything with me.”

“I’m sure there is something you can help with,” Even’s dad says. “But you really don’t have to feel bad about it. We love having you and Isak here.” 

Marianne and Even’s dad disappear into the kitchen and Isak contemplates coming with them, but then he realises that his mother is more than capable of being by herself so instead he follows Even into the living room. 

They eat a huge Christmas dinner, all six of them, and once again Isak finds himself surprised at how easily his mother finds her place. She seems relaxed and confident as she chats with Even’s parents and even talks to Ellie about where she is going to school and what her interests are. When he lived with her a setting like this was unthinkable as her delusions and hallucinations and other symptoms made it too hard for her to socialise with others. Most of the time she couldn’t even keep up a conversation with Isak without feeling suspicious about everything he said. Watching her now, so much more relaxed and happy makes his chest swell with happiness. 

-

After dinner they all sit down in the living room and Even’s mother lights a bunch of candles. They take turns opening their presents one by one. Isak gets a gift card from Even’s parents that he can use to buy a new computer and from his mother he gets two shirts and a scarf. 

Even’s parents, or mostly Even’s mother are happy with the new tea mugs and Isak’s mother hugs the blanket close to her chest with a warm smile. 

Even Ellie seems pleased with his gift and a bit surprised as if she hadn’t expected anything from him. 

“I have something for you too,” she says and blushes slightly. “Or the two of you I suppose.” 

She stands up from the couch and walks over to the Christmas tree and picks up a flat, rectangular package that must have been hidden behind the others because Isak hasn’t noticed it until now. She shyly hands Even the package and Even puts it into Isak’s lap. 

“Do you want to open it?” he asks and looks at Isak.. 

“Okay,” Isak breathes.

Ellie must have spent ages just wrapping the gift because it looks like something right from pinterest. Isak almost feels bad for just tearing everything open and destroying all the decorations. Inside all the paper is a frame or more precisely a frame with a picture of Isak and Even in it. A picture that Ellie has drawn. Isak looks from the picture to Even and then at Ellie who still smiles nervously with a tint of pink flushing her cheeks. 

Even looks just as touched as Isak feels  like . The drawing is a close-up with only their heads and upper bodies visible. Isak has his arm wrapped around Even’s neck and shoulder and is kissing his cheek. Even is smiling and laughing. Isak knows it is a picture that Even took of them with his phone ages ago. How Ellie has gotten her hands on it he has no idea. 

“I hope you like it,” Ellie says. 

“It’s absolutely amazing,” Even says while Isak can’t come up with something to say. “Thank you so much.”

He holds up the framed picture for everyone else to see and they all agree that it is amazing. 

“You are very talented,” Isak’s mother says as she looks at the picture in Even’s hand and smiles warmly at Ellie who seems to blush a little harder at the praise. 

“Thank you so much, Ellie,” Isak finally manages as he studies the picture once again. 

When he looks up to meet her eyes she is smiling warmly towards him.

-

It’s three days after Christmas and another four days until New Year’s Eve. Isak is on his way home from seeing Jonas and the boys when it happens. The one thing he had never expected to happen. There in front of him on the street, only 20 meters away is his sister. The second he sees her his stomach turns into knots and he stops in his tracks. He wants to turn back and run away but it’s too late. She has already seen him. There is a man standing next to her and Isak suspects it is her husband. He carries a boy in his arms and next to Lea on the ground another child is standing. By the looks of it they have just gotten out of a taxi because they have a few bags and a pram next to them on the curb. And they are standing in front of a hotel. 

The lump in Isak’s throat is growing and growing. She looks just as stunned as he is to see him here even if this is clearly his city which she left when she abandoned them all those years ago. For a moment Isak expects her to ignore him and just walk into the hotel like nothing happened, but instead she mumbles something to her husband and raises her hand and waves. 

“Isak,” she says awkwardly. “Oh wow, I’ve not seen you in ages. I don’t….” she turns towards her husband. “This is my little brother Isak.” 

Isak keeps his arms crossed against his chest and makes no effort to greet Lea’s husband. He feels angry and betrayed. He looks at the children who are staring at him curiously with huge eyes. His nephews.

“What are you doing here?” he says voice wavering. 

“We…” Lea starts and looks at her husband again before looking back at Isak. “I wanted to show them Norway,” she explains. “We are going to spend a few days here in Oslo and then travel to see dad. We are going to stay a few days with him before going to Stockholm before we fly back to Australia.” 

“You are going to see dad? Isak asks and Lea nods quietly. 

“And does mom know you are here? Are you going to visit her too?” Isak asks, watching Lea shake her head. 

The rage in him grows. 

“Fuck you, Lea,” he says and her husband looks like he wants to step in when he hears the familiar words. 

“Isak..” Lea tries. “You know how it is. It’s not good for the kids. And I don’t know how she would react. I’m not doing it to hurt her. I just want to do the right thing for my family and my boys.” 

“But sending her photos is okay and talking to her on the phone is fine as long as you are far away in Australia and can hang up in case she gets bad again?” Isak says loudly. “You return to Norway after years and the only thing you care about is yourself. Mom misses you every day, okay. She misses you and she watches the picture you sent her all the time because it makes her feel better. She has no resentment towards you at all but you can’t even see her for a few hours in case she gets bad?” 

“But you are okay to see him? Dad. who walked out on me and left me to take care of her when she wasn’t stable and I couldn't do anything to help her. You are both the same, you realise that, right? You are both cowards. You are both selfish.”

“Isak..” Lea says, tears in her eyes and voice weak. 

“I’m sorry if you feel like I turned my back towards you but I…”

“You did though. You did turn your back on me. I don’t care that you moved to Australia or whatever. I care that I called you and begged you to help me get mom help and you just didn’t care enough. Not about me and not about mom.” 

“I’ll see mom if that makes you happier,” Lea tries. “I’ll text her and see if she has time to meet me…I do care about her. Of course I do. It’s just hard when I have my children to think about.”

“Because she might scare them? Because she might hallucinate? Or because she might want to hug them and read for them and do everything a grandmother does?” Isak says. 

For a moment Lea looks even more hurt but then her walls go up and her mood changes in front of him. It’s her defense mechanism. And his. 

“Since when did you become a spokesperson for mental illness, huh?” she asks. “You were never home You abandoned her too. You left her too when things became too hard so you don’t get to act like a perfect son now. I speak to her on the phone but when I ask about you sometimes she hardly knows what you are up to. Guess why? It’s because you don’t talk to her either.”

He knows she is right in a lot of ways. He’s far from perfect and he often wishes he could be better. But he still hasn’t abandoned her the way she has. He refuses to believe he is as bad as she is. 

“I may not be the best son,” he starts. “I know that. I know I shouldn’t have abandoned her and that I should have tried harder. But I did try. I did my best to help her even when I was on my own. What did you and dad do? You just ran off to the other side of the world and never looked back. You didn’t help when I asked and all dad does is text me to tell me that I need to spend more time with her or that he wants to put her into a care home even if she does well on her own with just some help. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. He doesn’t care about my life. And neither do you.”

“Of course I do…” Lea starts but Isak shakes his head. 

“You never call me. You never even told me you had kids. Not in person at least. Like I said, I’m not perfect but I try to see her and I try to get better about it. I saw her on Christmas and we celebrated together with my boyfriend’s family. She was so happy and she managed so well because she is taking care of herself and she wants to be her best self. She is taking her medication and receives help with the things she finds challenging. She is doing good. But it’s no thanks to you or dad. She could have had this years ago if you two had taken some fucking responsibility instead of just being pathetic cowards.” 

She looks unhappy again and her child next to her feet looks anxious and scared of Isak. She picks him up in her arms and hugs him tightly. 

“Can you please calm down,” she says. “You are scaring them.” 

“Mom would be so happy to see you,” he says. “She really would. It would mean the world to her. It’s just so fucking sad that you wouldn’t even think about seeing her if it wasn’t for me. And it’s not like anyone of us would have known unless I ran into you. You should just go see dad like your original plan. You should stick together. You are both the same anyway and I hate you both.”

“Isak, please,” Lea says weakly. 

“Screw you, Lea,” Isak says and turns around and leaves.  

-

He’s halfway back to Even’s place when the panic hits him and it feels like his throat and chest are too tight to breathe. His stomach feels sick and his heart is hammering painfully inside his chest. He was on his way home to his place originally but now he can’t stand the thought of being alone in the empty apartment. So now he is half running back to Even’s apartment. 

His fingers shake badly as he tries to unlock the door and he struggles to get the key into the lock. When he finally manages to get the door open he stumbles inside and closes the door shut with a loud bang. 

“Even?” he calls out loudly and looks around the apartment. “Even?”

There is no one there and Isak can feel his heart pick up in speed even more. Suddenly Ellie appears in the doorway to her room

“Hey,” she says. “What are you doing here?”

“Where is Even?” Isak says frantically.

“He went to the grocery store. “What is going on?” she asks when she notices how frantic he looks. “Is everything alright?” 

“I…” he tries as he kicks off his shoes and struggles to unzip his jacket which feels way too tight around his neck. “I need Even…” he says shakily. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is. Only 2 chapters left after this one :O I can't believe we are finally here. It feels so unreal. 
> 
> Anyway what did you think about the chapter? Please let me know! Did you expect Lea to make an apperance? I debated slighty with myself whether it should me Lea or Isak's dad running into Isak but I went with Lea. They obviously have a really bad relationship for several reasons and in this one Isak doesn't hold back on his feelings at all. He feels let down by her and feels like she has abandoned him. How do you think Even will react and what will Ellie do to handle the situation?
> 
> Apart from that it feels like this chapter is very happy and light. It is important for me to try to portray Marianne in a somewhat positive light. I work with people with Schizofrenia and I see a lot of their bad times but also a lot of their everyday life and everything in between and I try to base her on that. This doesn't mean that I'm an expert though and I don't want to offend anyone with the way I portray her. In this chapter she is in a good place and it's more Isak who worries about how well she is going to handle things. Anyway Marianne has finally met Even and has even met his parents. I call that progress ;) I had hardest time picking up gifts for everyone. Especially since they wasn't from me hahaha. Eskild's was so hard but I ended up giving him a book. You should all try to find the series because I think you ca find it with english subtitles. It is amazing. "Don't ever wipe tears without gloves" 
> 
> I also thought alot about Eskild's gift for Isak but it just felt right and I hope you feel it aswell. And what did you think about Ellie's gift? Fun facts. when I started this fic there were a few things that I had very clearly in my mind: 
> 
> Even was always going to say "It is always going to be her" Ellie was always going to dislike Isak. Ellie was always going to say "Do you think you calling him, doing the right thing will make him fall for you again or take you back?" Ellie and Isak was going to bond eventually and Ellie was always going to make that drawing for them :) 
> 
> Next chapter is the last one from Even's POV :O


	26. My tie is blue, and I love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel so bad that the last few updates have been so far away. I'm just very buay working on my master thesis. I have also struggled with my self esteem alot when it comes to my writing. I have compared myself to others and been left with a feeling of not being good enough and i have doubted myself. 
> 
> All your feedback and amazing support has helped me realise that what i write is appreciated though. So thank you soooo much for everything. Without you I wouldn't have been able to do it <3 
> 
> The same goes for my lovely beta Steffi! She has only made me a better writer and have supported me when I have doubted myself. <3 
> 
> On a more excites note I will participate in the bigbang and i also plan on writing a fic parallel to that one. I'll write more about that in the end note! I have a couple of ideas and ot would be nice to hear your opinions. 
> 
> It is also my birthday today. Wiiiiihoo. Turning 22 once again! I hope you will like this chapter. The second to last which is so surreal.

Even is halfway through his shopping list when his phone begins to ring deep inside his pocket. He stops in his tracks and struggles to get his phone out. It’s Ellie who is calling and Even figures she has just forgotten to add something to the shopping list that she wants him to buy so he doesn’t think much of it when he accepts the call. The store is crowded and noisy so he presses the phone close to his ear.

“Hello,” he says.

“Hey, dad!” Ellie says, voice a little higher than normal. “Are you going to be home soon?”

“I’m almost halfway through. It will probably be another half hour at least before I’m out,” he sighs. “Is everything alright?”

“Something is wrong with Isak,” Ellie says. “He just showed up here looking for you and he was all panicky. Like he couldn’t breathe. I tried to calm him down but I don’t know what to do and now he has locked himself into the bathroom. I think he is having an anxiety attack or something but he didn’t tell me what happened and now he won’t open the door. I can hear him inside the bathroom but he won’t come out. Can you please come home, dad? He needs you and I don’t know what to do.”

By the time she has finished Even’s heart is racing and suddenly all sounds around him have turned into a soft buzz. All he can hear is his own thoughts.

“Yeah, I’ll be home right away,” he manages before he hangs up.

He looks around the store trying to come up with a plan on what to do. If he leaves now it will be at least ten minutes before he is home. That is too long when Isak needs him. Standing in line and packing all his items will be another ten to twenty minutes and he can’t afford that. Isak needs him now.

He clutches the phone in his hand as he walks towards the exit, leaving his shopping cart behind. On his way to the car he tries to call Isak but no one picks up and on the third try he gives up, feeling more worried than ever. If Isak can’t even pick up the phone then how bad is he going to be when Even gets home?

-

It takes almost 15 minutes for him to get home. He impatiently waits for the elevator to arrive and presses the button to the 6th floor multiple times. It feels like the elevator ride takes twice as long and when the doors finally open he wastes no time getting out.

The door to the apartment is unlocked and he finds himself rushing inside frantically. The apartment is surprisingly quiet but the door to the bathroom is open. Even hurriedly takes off his shoes and quietly makes his way over. As he peeks inside he spots Ellie and Isak sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. Isak has his knees drawn to his chest and his eyes are red and puffy. He is pressing one hand to his chest. Ellie is sitting next to him, a hand on his arm. She looks up when she hears Even by the door, relief flushing on her face.

“What’s going on?” Even asks worriedly.

Ellie shakes her head.

“I don’t know,” she mumbles. “He wouldn’t open the door and he just kept getting more worked up so I picked the lock. He has managed to calm down a little bit.”

Even smiles slightly despite the seriousness of the situation before he turns his attention to Isak who is finally looking at him. He sinks down in front of Isak and puts his hands carefully on Isak’s knees.

“Hey,” he whispers.

“Hi!” Isak says with a hitched breath.

Now that Even is watching him closer he can see the trembles that run through Isak’s body and the tears that still run down his face.

“What’s going on?” he asks and moves one hand to cup Isak’s cheek. “Ellie told me you are not feeling so well.”

Isak shakes his head and looks at Even with tear-filled eyes. It’s obvious that he is not willing or able to talk at the moment, so Even sits down next to him and replaces Ellie at Isak’s right side. She stands up and moves to stand by the doorway before leaving them alone altogether. As soon as she leaves Isak seems to collapse slightly and he sinks forward. Even notices his breaths picking up in speed and becoming more shallow.

“Hey, take a few deep breaths,” Even says and rubs Isak’s back. “It will be okay.”

“I can’t,” Isak says. “My chest feels too tight.”

“I know,” Even says calmly, “but taking a few deep breaths will help.”

With Even’s guidance Isak manages to take a few shaky, but deep breaths and it seems to calm him down ever so slightly. He still presses his hand to his chest though.

“My heart is beating really fast,” Isak whispers.

“It’s alright,” Even says slowly. “I know it is really scary but it’s not dangerous. And I’m here with you. I’m not going to leave you.”

“Sorry,” Isak whispers and wipes his tears away with shaky hands. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise, baby,” Even mumbles.

They sit in silence for a little while and Even makes sure to keep rubbing Isak’s back. Isak’s breathing might have calmed down but he is still tense in Even’s arms. The tears have stopped but his whole body is still shaking.

“Do you want to move to the couch?” Even asks.

“Okay,” Isak says and allows Even to help him up.

Ellie lingers in the background as Even walks Isak over to the couch but soon disappears into her room. Even fetches a blanket and hands it over to Isak who clutches it to his chest.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Even asks carefully and kisses Isak’s temple.

Isak nods slowly

“I was walking home from seeing the boys. And then I saw my sister Lea,” he mumbles.

“Okay,” Even says.

Isak takes a little time before he continues.

“It so stupid. I haven’t seen her in years and suddenly she is here in Oslo. Apparently she is on a holiday with her family. I even saw her sons and her husband whom I have never seen before. Anyway I got so angry when I saw her. And I yelled at her and scared her kids and probably made her husband hate me but I just couldn’t stop myself. She told me she was going to see dad before returning home and it hurt so much that she is still on his side after everything that happened. I know it’s silly of me to react that way but seeing her like that made everything come back to me. And when I left all that anger disappeared and all I could feel was the hurt I felt when she and dad had left.”

“That’s completely understandable,” Even says. “And your feelings are not stupid or silly. You have every right to feel that way.”

“Yeah” Isak whispers. “I hate that she abandoned us and that she didn’t care when I needed her help with mom. And now when she is in Oslo she won’t even see mom. I just hate how fucking selfish she is being. I want to be over it. I want to stop caring about her and dad but I can’t. Because it always hurts. My chest always hurts when I think about it. That they don’t even care about me anymore but I’m still left feeling like this because of them. I hate it. I hate that I care so much about this when they don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves.”

Even can tell that Isak is getting worked up again so he puts his arms around Isak and pulls him a little closer.

“Just keep taking deep breaths. You are doing really great,” he says and tries to breathe slowly himself so that Isak can match his rhythm.

They sit in silence for several minutes. Isak curls up around himself but little by little Even can feel him relax.  

“Are you feeling any better?” he asks eventually.

“Yeah,” Isak says.

“Good,” Even says. “Do you want to eat something?”

Isak shakes his head firmly.

“I’m not hungry,” he whispers. “I feel a little sick.”

Even nods.

“That’s fine. Do you want to go take a nap?”

“Maybe,” Isak says with a small smile. “Will you join me?”

“If you want to,” Even says. “I just need to call Mikael and ask if he can pick up my groceries. I kind of left them at the store.”

“Oh,” Isak says and hides his face in his hands. “I’m sorry…”

“Hey, don’t apologise. Mikael will sort it out and everything will be fine.”

When Even walks into the bedroom after talking to Mikael he finds Isak dressed in his t-shirt still on top of the covers. He looks absolutely adorable.

“Don’t you want to get under the covers, baby?” Even asks.

“Yeah but I didn’t have the energy once I lied down,” Isak mutters and Even smiles.

He walks over to the bed and undoes the covers on the side Isak is not currently lying on.

“Now all you have to do is roll over,” he says and tugs at Isak’s arm.

Isak lets himself be dragged to the other side and Even walks around the bed and pulls the rest of the cover to the floor. He lies down next to Isak and wraps his arms around Isak’s waist. It doesn’t take long before Isak is asleep in his arms. Exhausted from his anxiety attack. He is glad that Isak has calmed down enough to be able to sleep and hopes that Isak will feel even better once he wakes up

He lies with Isak for a little while, just listening to him breathing. He knows they have to talk about Isak’s anxiety and possibly trying to find ways for Isak to manage it because deep down he knows that this is not a one-time occurence. He just hates that it had to happen now when things were so good and Isak was doing so well. He silently hates Lea and Isak’s dad for all the things they have put Isak through. He knows they have their own story too, but seeing Isak like this makes his blood boil.

Ellie is sitting in the living room when Even leaves the bedroom and quietly closes the door behind him. Isak is still sleeping, face pressed into the pillow and hair messy.

“Hi!” Ellie says when he sits down next to her.

“Hi!” Even replies. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” Ellie says. “How is Isak?”

“He’s sleeping. He is exhausted after today so I think I will let him sleep for a few hours.”

Ellie nods but doesn’t say anything else. Even puts a hand on her knee and runs the other through her hand. When she looks at him he smiles proudly.

“You did good today,” Even starts. “With Isak.”

“It was really scary though,” Ellie says. “I didn’t know what to do or if I even did the right thing. He was just panicking but he didn’t want to tell me what was going on. He only said that he needed you and before I could do anything else he locked himself into the bathroom. I could hear him throw up and he was getting so worked up. I probably shouldn’t have picked the lock but I didn’t want him to be on his own.”

“I think you helped,” Even reassures her. “Sometimes it just helps to have someone there, I think.”

“Will it happen again?” Ellie asks.

“I don’t know. Probably. I think it has happened to him before and I know he has struggled with anxiety. So it is likely that it will happen again. This time something triggered him though.”

“Did he say anything?” Ellie asks carefully.

“He saw his sister,” Even sighs. “They are not on good terms. I don’t want to spill too much so you will have to talk to him about it but yeah.”

“Of course,” Ellie says. “I mean we have talked a little bit about his dad but I didn’t really know about his sister.”

“He doesn’t really like to talk about it to anyone,” Even says with a small smile. “Anyway, I guess no one is safe with you around here, my little lockpicking thief.”

Ellie laughs.

“Picking a bathroom lock is pretty easy though,” she points out.

“I guess,” Even laughs.

-

Isak sleeps for almost two hours and in the meantime Even does some general tidying up in the apartment. Ellie sits by the table drawing. After a little while Mikael shows up with the groceries.

“Thanks, man” Even says as the two of them carry all the bags from the hall and put them on the kitchen counter.

“You’re welcome!” Mikael smiles. “How is Isak doing?”

“He is asleep,” Even says.

“That’s good,” Mikael says. Tell him I said hi. I really need to get going but I’ll see you on New Years. We are all looking forward to your cooking!”

“I will! Thanks again. I’m sure he will appreciate it.”

When Isak eventually walks into the kitchen Even is cooking dinner.

“Hey,” he says as he spots Isak walking up to him.

“Hi!” Isak says as he wraps his arms around Even and kisses him on the mouth. “What are you cooking?”

“Pasta with chicken and sauce,” Even says. “Here, taste,” he continues and offers Isak a spoon of the sauce he has been working on for the past ten minutes.

“Tastes good,” Isak says with a smile.

“Good,” Even says. “Are you feeling better?”

Isak nods and runs his hand on Even’s back. He turns around and looks at Ellie.

“Thank you, Ellie,” he says. “For earlier”

She smiles at him.

“You are welcome,” she says.

-

The next day is a lot less eventful and Isak seems to be doing okay after his panic attack even if he is a little more quiet and reserved than normal and his sleep has been a bit messed up.

They haven’t talked about it yet but Even knows he has to eventually. He just wants to give Isak some space. Isak goes to work and Even busies himself with preparing for the new year. Ellie will be celebrating with her friends but Mikael and the rest of the boys will all be there, including their kids and partners. With the addition of Isak’s friends the apartment will be crowded. Even looks forward to it anyway. He has always liked the idea of leaving things behind and getting a new start. Even if everything always felt the exact same way the morning after. For better or worse.

When Isak’s friends had invited Isak over to celebrate the new year with them they had all been disappointed to learn that Isak was going to celebrate with Even and his friends. Until Magnus came up with the idea of them all celebrating together so that Isak and Even wouldn’t be forced to be apart for even a second.

Even is preparing the Crème brûlées for tomorrow when Isak comes home from work. He looks a little tired and wastes no time in undressing before he walks towards the kitchen and hugs Even tightly.

“Hello,” Even whispers and wiggles away from Isak’s cold hands that find his warm back. “Stop it!”

Isak laughs and moves his hands to Even’s neck instead until Even grabs them both and moves them away from him. He leans forward and kisses Isak deeply.

“How was your day?” he asks.

Isak grimaces.

“Fine,” he sighs. “Very busy. And Lea texted me. Apparently dad gave her my number.”

“Oh. How are you?” Even asks.

“I’m okay. I’m more annoyed with her than anything else. She and dad are so alike. They think they can make everything okay when it is honestly too late.”

“What did she say then?” Even asks.

Isak takes out his phone and shows Even the text.

 **Hi Isak! I hope you don’t**  
**mind me texting you.**  
**I didn’t know how else to**  
**contact you since I don’t**  
**know where you live. Dad**  
**gave me your number. I’m**  
**just letting you know that**  
**I’m going to see mom like**  
**you suggested. I will take the**  
**kids with me too. We are having**  
**lunch together. I’m sorry if I hurt**  
**you but I also hope you get where**  
**I’m coming from. Is difficult for me too.**  
**Especially since I have my own life.**  
**I hope we can keep in contact**  
**with each other. Happy New Year.**

When Even finishes reading and looks up Isak is rolling his eyes.

“Sorry if I hurt you but…” he grimaces. “Like it is my fault she hurt me.”

“Are you going to answer?” Even asks carefully.

Isak shrugs.

“I don’t know. Probably not. I don’t get why she even texted. What did she think would happen? That just because she is going to see mom I’ll be happy and ready to forgive everything. What about everything else?”

“Baby…” Even starts. “Don’t let her bother you.”

“I won’t” Isak smiles. “I just want to celebrate the new year with all of our friends. And eat all your food and kiss you at midnight.”

“We can do all of that,” Even smiles. “I just want you to know that you can talk to me about this. Whenever you want to. And it is okay to not be okay about this. I know your family has hurt you a lot and it is okay to feel hurt about it.”

Isak sighs and leans his forehead against Even’s.

“When I got the text I got a little upset,” he confesses, voice a little thick.

“I understand that, but it is a good thing you showed me the text and that you are talking about it. It’s great that you are open about it. And that you came here the other day rather than go home. I don’t want to think about you going through that alone.”

“All I wanted was you…” Isak whispers. “I think that’s why I panicked even more when I realised you weren’t at home.”

Even nods and takes a deep breath.

“Maybe it would be a good idea. So now what to do if you get more panic attacks?” he asks.

He can see the fear in Isak’s eyes so he calmly grabs both his hands.

“Only because I think it would be good for you,” he says. “I know it is not always bad but I still think you deserve to have the best means to get through your anxiety. It doesn’t have to be medicine or you seeing someone every week but I do think it would be good for you to talk to someone.”

“I guess,” Isak says defeatedly. “It’s just hard.”

“I know, baby,” Even says. “I know. And I can’t tell you what is best for you. I can only speak for myself but I have had huge help from professionals. I think you could too. I just want you to think about it and we can talk about the options. Maybe talking to someone about your family and your childhood could help let go of some of those feelings? I just want what is best for you. I hope you know that, and I never want to pressure you. I just want you to feel better.”

“I’ll think about,” Isak says. “It does help to talk about it though. Before I used to keep things bottled up and I would wake up feeling anxious almost every day. But I feel like I’m doing better now.”

“I think you are doing amazing and I’m so proud of you,” Even says.

-

New Year’s Eve is all Even could dream of. He gets to wake up next to Isak in the morning and enjoy a long breakfast with him. They have plenty of time to go for a long walk and shower together before it is time to prepare for the night.

Isak looks stunning in his suit pants, white shirt and black tie. Even watches him get dressed from his place on the bed. They have spent the last two hours setting the table and making everything ready before taking a second shower together. Even is supposed to get dressed to but he has been caught staring at Isak.

“The tie is blue,” Isak points out as he stands in front of the mirror and glances at Even through it.

“It is not blue,” Even says. “It’s black. You must be colourblind,”

In the mirror he can see Isak role his eyes,

“I’m the master of telling colours apart,” Isak says stubbornly.

“Hahaha,” Even laughs. “You are wrong but whatever.”

“I’m not wrong,” Isak says. “The guy I bought it from even said it was a really nice midnight blue. Just turn on the lights and I’ll show you.”

Even stands up and walks over to the light switch.

“I told you,” Isak says in triumph as the spotlights light up the room and reveals that the tie is indeed a deep deep shade of blue and not black.

“Fuck,” Even says. “Stop smirking so much.”

“I told you I was the master,” Isak says. “Now you need to get dressed too. I promise you that Magnus will be here any minute. He literally has no chill.”

With a sigh Even moves over to his wardrobe and places his outfit on the bed. Isak is still watching him in the mirror with a grin on his face.

“What?” Even says.

“My tie is blue, and I love you,” Isak says cheesily.

“Oh fuck you. That is so embarrassing,” Even says and laughs.

-

A few hours later they are all gathered around the kitchen table. Isak and his friends and Even and his. Even could not have dreamed of them getting along better, they are all having a blast together. Most of all Even is happy to see Isak this happy and content after the last few days. The smile on his face certainly matches Even’s own feeling of utter happiness.

Every once in a while their eyes will meet and every time they do Isak’s face lights up even more.

“I love you,” he mouths from across the table.

“I love you too,” Even mouths back.

“This is seriously the best thing I have eaten,” Mahdi exclaims from his seat next to Even. “Like you need to teach Isak some of these skills. He is fucking useless in the kitchen. Even if he is the one of us who has lived by himself the longest.”

Even laughs.

“I’m glad you like it,” he says and glances in Isak’s direction, who is now in a deep discussion with Mutta and Jonas about something.

“I’m glad he has met you,” Madhi continues in a more serious note. “Like he was miserable before he met you and he is so much more open now. I’m glad we are getting closer again.”

“It means a lot to him too,” Even says. “That he has his friends. And I’m so thankful he had you this summer.”

Mahdi is quiet for a little while.

“I hope you are not planning on leaving him again,” he says.

“I’m really not,” Even says. “Letting him go the first time was a mistake and I never want to do it again.”

“That’s good. Jonas would probably kill you if you did,” Mahdi jokes. “You are lucky he lived across the ocean.”

“I guess,” Even says and clears his throat. “I’m not going to leave him,” he repeats. “Not like I did. I’m so happy to have him back and he means everything to me.”

-

By the time it is nearing midnight they have all split up. Even is sitting in the living room with Elias, Sara, Mutta and Adam. Yousef and Mikael are standing in the kitchen together. He is pretty sure Isak and his friends are outside smoking. Outside he can already hear fireworks in the distance.

“There you are!”

He can hear Isak approach him and moments later Isak’s arms are wrapped around him from behind. He turns around a little just as Isak presses a kiss to his cheek. He smells slightly of weed but not too much.

“Have you been out smoking?” Even asks.

“Yeah, or Mahdi and Jonas did. Magnus has promised Cecile to stop so…”

Even smiles.

“And you?”

“I didn’t feel like it,” Isak says. “Maybe later.”

“It’s soon going to be midnight,” Even mumbles, Isak’s arms still around him. “It will be our first New Year together. This time last year I had no idea I would meet the man of my dreams less than a month later.“  

“Me neither,” Isak said. “What if you had not walked into the restaurant?”

“Then I would have met you somewhere else!” Even says. “At the grocery store perhaps.”

He can feel Isak smile against his cheek.

“It sounds like destiny,” he says.   

“Haha, maybe it is,” Even laughs. “I can’t imagine not having met you.”

“Me neither,” Isak whispers. “I’m so happy you came into the restaurant and gave me my biggest tip.”

“Oh yeah,” Even says. “I forgot about that. I spent so much money trying to get to see you again.”

“Oh was that what you were doing?” Isak teases. “I never knew!”

“If you hadn’t been so pretty I would have gone to McDonalds instead.”

“Maybe that’s how we meet in a different universe,” Isak says slowly. “Where I work at Mcdonalds”

“Maybe,” Even says.

-

Even has always liked New Year’s Eve but this year might be his favourite yet. Counting down the New Year next to his friends with Isak by his side tops everything so far. And getting to kiss Isak at midnight when the fireworks are the loudest and brightest is his favourite way to start the New Year. He just hopes he gets to do it again and again and again.

“I love you,” Isak whispers between kisses. “Happy New Year, baby.”

“I love you, too,” Even says and buries his nose into Isak’s neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you liked the chapter! It would mean alot if you let me know what you thought! Im sorry the chapter was kindof short but i wanted it to end in a very happy place for them and New Years feels like a perfect way. 
> 
> Like I said I will participate in the bigbang which is so exciting. I already have a fic idea for it that i think you will like. Steffi gave me her approval at least. 
> 
> For the other fic ill try to update more regularly i have two ideas and I would love to hear what you want to read. Just like last time. It challenges me as an author and helps a very indecisive soul make decisions. This time I'll give you a little summary/synopsis.
> 
> A) Isak had never anticpated that this would be his life at mid 30's. Divorced from the love of his life. Single dad with children that doesn't want to spend time with him. He is lonely and buring himself in work pretending he is over Even when all he wants is having Even back in hia life. And then there is Even's new love. Isak wishes things were different. But when something bad happens to him he will need the support from his family. Maybe that will give them a second chance? Evak finding their way back to each other. 
> 
> B) Everything is prefect until is not. They are finally moving in together and everything is perfect. As usual Even ruins things and Isak is once again picking up the pieces. Until he can't anymore. Until Eskild is standing in the doorway, face pale and voice trembling.
> 
> "There's been an accident" he says.
> 
> Edit: they would both be angst with a happy ending :)
> 
> What do you think? Let me know. It is my birthday after all ;)


	27. I’ll never let you go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I'm uploading the final chapter! it feels so unreal. At the moment I'm weirdly numb about it. 
> 
> But I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for reading and sticking to this story until the end. I can't thank you enough for your support! Especially to those of you who have commented and left kudos and been the nicest and most wonderful readers. You have truly spoilt me with all your love and support. It has been amazing to get all your feedback and thoughts <3 <3 I seriously can't thank you enough. 
> 
> And to Steffi of course. I'm so happy you asked me if I wanted a beta. You have been such a good beta but also such a good friend to talk to about Skam and all the remakes and other random stuff. You have truly supported me when I have needed it the most and also taken the time to answer all my demanding questions and comments on each chapter. Thank you so much <3 <3
> 
> I hope you all will want to follow me on my next journey. Seems like parents plus divorced Evak is what you are most interested in :) I'll see what I can do!

A few days have passed since New Year’s Eve. The party they had had with all their friends had been incredible and Isak can still dwell on the memories. He has spent most of his days studying for the upcoming exam that will take place in a week. He and Sana have met up almost every day. Either in the library or at either of their homes. It feels surreal that another semester has passed and he is one step closer to becoming a doctor. So much has happened in the year that has passed and in many ways it has been exhausting and full of heartache. But it has also been the best year in Isak’s life.

Even stepping into Isak’s life almost a year ago had turned everything upside down. Isak’s view on himself and his perception of love had all changed because of Even. Before Even he used to be scared of letting people in, of being vulnerable and relying on others.

Now he feels more open with his feelings and because of that everything is so much easier. He feels safe and loved and at ease with himself. It’s easier to fall asleep at night and the days where he wakes up to a racing and fluttering heart are few and far between. He doesn’t get that suffocating feeling anymore. He rarely feels too sick to eat breakfast. Most importantly he feels truly happy.

During the year he has not only met Even but also Eskild, and deepened his friendship with Mahdi and Sana as well as found his way back to his mother. The biggest difference from a year ago is that he is not drowning in his own loneliness. He is not fighting to just stay above water anymore.

He enjoys the banter he has with Sana every study session, they’re both too stubborn to admit when they are wrong. He loves spending his time at the apartment with Eskild on days when he is not with Even and loves that he has a second home with Even and Ellie.

-

The day before Magnus has to go back to Bergen all of the boys hang out together at Mahdi’s place. They haven’t had time to see each other since the New Year’s party since they all have been busy with other things. Even is having dinner with his parents so it is just the four of them, much to Magnus’ disappointment. Since the party Magnus has become a little too fond of Even for Isak’s liking and while he is happy that they all get along, he wishes Magnus would just stop talking about Even all the time.

“It’s a shame Even couldn’t make it,” Magnus says ten minutes after the pizzas arrive and Isak rolls his eyes with a deep sigh.

“What?” Magnus asks. “ Bet you wish he was here too!”

“Yeah, but only if it meant you would shut up about him!” Isak says with a smirk though Magnus is right of course.

He always wants to be with Even and even if he saw him this morning he still misses him after a long day of not seeing each other.

“I have a question…” Magnus starts and takes a bite of his pizza.

“Why does that not surprise me?” Mahdi says sarcastically.

Magnus grimaces in Madhi’s direction before he continues.

“Like who is the man and who is the woman in your relationship?” he asks and looks at Isak.

“Man…” Jonas says tiredly and covers his face with his hand.

“What?” Magnus asks. “I don’t mean to be rude. Like just for fun.”

“Well, who is the man and woman in your and Cecile’s relationship?” Isak asks, ignoring the dumbness of Magnus’ question.

Magnus blushes slightly and looks down.

“Seriously, though,” he says and offers a tiny smile. “I’m sorry if I offended you.”

“It’s cool…” Isak says.

When it is time to leave a few hours later he and Jonas walk towards the bus stop together. It feels like it has been ages since they hung out just the two of them.

“I’ve got a new job,” Jonas informs him as they walk through the cold night.

“Oh really? That’s great,” Isak says. “Where?”

“Snowboard instructor in Trysil. I applied months ago and assumed I didn’t get it but then they called the other day and asked if I was available at short notice. Because one of their instructors had hurt his knee or something. I don’t know all the details. But it would be for the skiing season. Starting in a week.”

Isak smiles.

“That’s awesome,” he says. “Congratulations!”

“Thank you!”

“So does that mean that you are staying in Norway for now?” Isak asks carefully.

He wants to be close to Jonas but at the same time he knows how much Jonas wants to travel and experience things. Living in California was just one of those things Jonas wanted to do.

“For the next months at least,” Jonas says. “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll try to save money and travel again this summer. But then I think I might apply for uni this autumn. Journalism if I get in. Or maybe a teacher, actually.”

“I think that would be great,” Isak says

“Yeah, I hope so,” Jonas say. “Anyway you all need to come and visit in Trysil”

“Definitely,” Isak agrees. “I don’t think I have skied since I was there with your family. Maybe once when we went to Nissen. But like it was ages ago.”

“And you sucked back then, too,” Jonas laugh. “Like when you fell of the ski lift. That was the funniest thing. And when you went into that tree and my dad had to help you out.”

Isak laughs loudly.

“Yeah, I remember that! I had bruises for weeks afterwards.”

“Have you heard anything from Lea, by the way?” Jonas asks.

Isak shakes his head.

He has not heard from her at at all since she texted him the day before the new year but he assumes that she is back in Australia by now. He hadn’t bothered to reply. Just deleted her message after spending too much time feeling angry and upset about it. Now he is just going to go back to pretending like she doesn’t exist. He knows it is not healthy and that he will have to deal with it sooner or later. He knows that Even is right and had been right the first time all those months ago when he suggested Isak get help from someone. It’s just, everything is good now. He is happy and he doesn’t want to ruin everything by digging up things from his past that will just make him sad. He can push the thoughts of his dad and Lea to the back of his head and only allow them to surface at his weakest and darkest moments.

He has talked about it a lot with Even, and being more open about his feelings has definitely helped him put everything behind him.

“No really,” he says and gives Jonas a weak smile. “But I try to not think about her too much.”

Jonas nods.

“She’s just not that important in my life,” Isak mutters, his stomach twisting slightly. “I mean it still hurts sometimes but I don’t really need her in my life to be happy. And I realise that I can choose how much she gets to affect me. Or not choose but like… you know. I’m in a good place now in my life. And I think that makes it possible to just ignore her if I want to.”

“Yeah, I understand,” Jonas says. “It is good though. That you are doing so great. With Even and everything. I can see how much you love him and how happy the two of you are together.”

“Yeah, but it is more than that,” Isak says. “It is also that I’m more open with things and that I’m spending more time with people I actually like. Even is a huge part of that of course but it also feels like I have so much more in my life now compared to a year ago. Because I’m not trying to push everyone away anymore”

-

Both Even and Eskild are at home when Isak arrives home from studying with Sana at her place. It is already past eight but when Sana’s mother had asked if he wanted to stay for dinner he couldn’t say no. From the living room he can hear their distinct laughter. It makes him feel warm inside that he and Even can have this. Isak has a key to Even’s apartment and Even has a key to Isak’s and Eskild’s. A year ago Isak would never have dreamed about this. Even six months ago when Isak’s heart was broken beyond repair he never could have imagined having Even back in his life and their love being stronger than before they broke up. It feels like they are though, despite the time that it has taken them to find their way to the place where they are now.

“Hey, Isak,” Eskild says as Isak enters the living room.

The two of them are sitting on the couch, Even balancing a plate on his knees. Eskild has already finished eating and his plate is sitting on the coffee table.

“Hi!” Isak says and walks up to the sofa and sits down next to Eskild.

“Hey, baby,” Even says. “There is food in the kitchen if you want some?”

Isak shakes his head.

“Sana’s mom cooked for us,” he explains.

“Oh I’m so jealous,” Even exclaims. “Her cooking is amazing.”

Isak nods with a small smirk.

“I’m so full though,” he groans. “I ate way too much!”

They end up watching a documentary about Mount Everest on the TV and eat popcorn that Eskild pops in the microwave. For being a Friday it is pretty low key but it is also what Isak has come to love. It is also a nice contrast compared to a year ago. Back then he would either book himself full of work during the weekends, or drink senselessly with Nils and Alfred at some random party.

He has barely seen them in ages. Apart from talking to them at uni he doesn’t really spend time with them anymore. They have drifted apart but to be honest Isak doesn’t miss them that much. Their friendship had been shallow and frail to begin with and now that he has found others that he is more comfortable around it doesn’t feel like he has lost anything. They probably don’t miss him either.

“We have plans for tomorrow,” Even says suddenly.

Eskild has gone to the bathroom and Isak has taken the opportunity to take his place on the couch next to Even. He has thrown his arms around Even’s chest and leans his head against Even’s shoulder.

“What?” Isak asks curiously “What are we doing?”

“You’ll see,” Even smirks, clearly enjoying the teasing and keeping things a secret.

“No tell me,” Isak pouts and tries his best to persuade Even to tell him by just giving him his best puppy dog eyes.

“Never,” Even says. “You will see tomorrow. But if I tell you now you will back down and we can’t have that.”

“This is not helping, you know,” Isak mutters. “I could easily make plans with Jonas or Sana if I want.”

“You won’t though,” Even says. “You are too curious about it already. I know how you work.”

Even is right of course. As much as Isak is pouting about it he can’t help but feel curious about what is about to happen.

-

“Why are we stopping at an abandoned parking lot?” Isak asks suspiciously as Even stops the car at a huge parking lot.

There is no one else here as the company is only in business on weekdays and the whole parking lot is empty.

“Get out of the car,” Even says happily.

“Why?” Isak says dumbly.

“Because you are driving dumbass,” Even says and opens the car door, ready to switch seats with Isak.

Isak quickly places his hand on Even’s arm to stop him from leaving.

“No, I can’t” he says. “I have never done it before.”

“I know. Which is why we are doing it today! It will be fine. We’ll stay at the parking lot where nothing can happen.”

“I don’t know, Even” Isak says. “I’m not even sure my permit is valid. I took it ages ago.”

The summer before he started Nissen his dad had forced him to take the mandatory traffic course so that Isak could start practising. Isak had not been keen on doing it. Especially not if it meant having to have his dad as an instructor. But then his dad had left before they could actually practice for the first time and Isak had never even sat behind the wheel.

“It should be valid,” Even smiles. “I recently went through the procedure with Ellie so….”

“I don’t want to,” Isak says. “I’m not going to be any good!”

Even puts a hand on his leg in a comforting motion and moves his hand on Isak’s knee.

“Of course you are not. No one is the first time around. That is why you need to practice. It’s just for fun though baby, If you are not ready for it we don’t have to do it obviously. I’m not forcing you to do it. It’s just because I told you I would teach you how to drive.”

Isak can feel a smile spread on his face and he leans forward and kisses Even on the lips.

“You are so romantic,” he says. “I still don’t like this idea though.”

“I think you will be fine,” Even says. “Why don’t you just sit behind the wheel. And then we can take things step by step. What do you say?”

Even gives him an encouraging smile.

“Okay,” Isak mumbles. “Ten minutes max though.”

“Deal,” Even says.

Driving is just as terrible as Isak had imagined and he sucks at it. The idea of him being in control of a massive vehicle terrifies him and his legs are shaking so badly he can’t even get the car to start rolling on any of his attempts. Even is patient and calm through it all but after 20 minutes Isak has had enough. They have driven around the parking lot a few times but it has done little to stop Isak from feeling like he has zero control over the situation and he doubts he will want to drive again anytime soon. He manages to make a somewhat smooth stop before he kills the engine and gets out of the car.

“Have you had enough?” Even asks softly.

“Yeah,” Isak mutters as he leans on the car door and peeks inside the car “I want to go home now.”

“Of course,” Even says. “We can go home.”

Even takes place behind the wheel again and Isak sits in the passenger side as they leave the parking lot behind.

“That wasn’t so bad,” Even says. “Ellie did much worse on her first try…”

Isak knows Even is trying to cheer him up but he still can’t help but feel a little defeated. He had not expected to suddenly love driving but even after 20 minutes he hadn’t been able to relax even the slightest.

“I sucked,” he concludes. “Thanks for trying though…”

Even smiles, eyes focused on the road.

“We can try again some other time if you want to. But if you don’t that is fine too.”

“Yeah, maybe later,” Isak says with a small smile.

-

Isak has his final exam a few days later. He feels grateful for all the hours he and Sana have spent studying for it because even if the questions are hard he feels like he can answer most of them. Sana is waiting for him outside of the exam room when he leaves, feeling happy and relieved that the five hours are finally over. Now he has a few days off before the next semester starts and he plans to spend his free time just relaxing. He doesn’t even have any shifts at work planned.

“How did it go?” Sana asks.

“Nailed it, obviously” Isak says confidently and walks up to her. “How did you do?”

“Great,” she retorts. “Probably better than you!”

“Right,” Isak says with a smile as the two of them head for the exit.

“Isn’t it cool though that we are even closer to becoming doctors,” Sana says. “Like I’ve always wanted it but even when I started at uni it felt like it was so far away. But this year has gone by so fast, hasn’t it?”

Isak nods quietly. It really has.

“I’m glad we are buddies again,” Sana continues.

“Best buddies,” Isak corrects her with a smile. “Yeah me too. I can’t imagine a better person to study with. Even if I’m better than you!”

“You are not better than me,” Sana snorts. “I’ve passed all my exams this year on my first try.”

“Wow, you really are the best one,” Isak laughs. “I feel so grateful to be able to learn from you.”

“You should,” Sana jokes. “Anyway do you want to grab a coffee or something to eat? I’m starving.”

“Yeah sure,” Isak says. “That would be nice.”

-

Isak spends his days off mostly chilling and taking it easy just like he had planned. A few days after the new semester has started Isak can’t help but notice that Even is acting a little suspiciously. He is absent-minded when they have dinner together and seems to be hiding something from Isak. When Isak asks him about it he acts as if nothing is going on or he just smirks secretly and laughs when Isak pouts. Three days later though, Even wakes him up by telling him to get ready for a surprise.

He still won’t tell Isak anything as they eat breakfast and spend hours on the couch together, and for a while Isak suspects that Even is just teasing him. Until the doorbell rings a little after 2 pm and Mutta is standing outside with a bouquet of red roses in his hands when Isak opens the door.

“These are for you,” he says and hands Isak the roses with a cheerful smile.

“What?” Isak asks confused and turns around and looks at Even who is walking up behind him. “What are you planning?” he asks.

“You’ll see,” Even says and hugs him from behind. “Mutta is going to be our driver. Just get dressed, baby.”

Five minutes later the the two of them are sitting in the backseat of Mutta’s car. Even has covered Isak’s eyes with a scarf so that Isak can’t see where they are going.

“Where are we going?” Isak asks.

“You will see,” Even whispers once again.

“I don’t want anymore surprises,” Isak pouts. “Last time I really didn’t like it!”

“I promise you will like this one,” Even whispers and kisses Isak’s cheek.

Mutta has been driving for what feels like at least 20 minutes but it just feels like they are going in circles. Isak has no idea where they are.

After a few more minutes Mutta stops the car and Isak can hear Even open the door and walk around the car. Seconds later he opens the door on Isak’s side and finds Isak’s hand.

“Thank you for your help,” Even says to Mutta as he helps Isak out of the car and holds onto him.

“Yeah, thank you, Mutta,” Isak says.

“No worries,” Mutta says.

Even shuts the car door and then guides Isak forward. After only a few meters he stops again before he opens a door and ushers Isak inside.

“Watch out for the step,” he says.

The smell of paint hits Isak’s nose once they are inside and his curiosity spikes.. Even walks behind Isak, hands covering Isak’s eyes despite the scarf already doing the job. Then he comes to a sudden stop.

“I’ll take the scarf off now but you can’t peek, okay?”

“Okay,” Isak smiles. “I won’t peek!”

Even unties the scarf and Isak keeps his eyes shut. He can hear Even move around in the background.

“Okay,” Even says, voice coming from across the room. “You can open your eyes now.”

Isak opens his eyes and at first he has no idea where they are. The room is messy and full of renovating stuff. Even is standing on the other side of the room, smiling brightly. As Isak continues looking around he realises where they are.

“How?” he says, looking back at Even in slight chock.

“I walked past here a few weeks ago and they were working here. I met the new owner and then I came up with the idea that I wanted to take you here. I managed to persuade him to let me borrow this place for an hour.”

Isak looks towards the door that leads to the kitchen and the area that used to be the bar. Most of the furniture is gone now. Even the bar and the counter. The walls are painted in a light, almost white and even the floor has been replaced. Still this is undoubtedly the restaurant where Isak used to work. This is where he and Even met.

“You are incredible,” Isak manages. “And very extra. I can’t believe you did this. Like how did they agree on it even?”

Even holds up his finger to his mouth and Isak stops talking.

“This day a year ago I saw you standing exactly where you are standing right now. I sat right here watching you work, and you were the prettiest person ever and I just knew I had to talk to you,” Even says and takes a few steps towards Isak.

Isak smiles as Even walks closer and grabs hold of his hands.

“Up close you were even more breathtaking and I couldn't take my eyes off you. You were so endearing and hot in your uniform.The way you talked and blushed and everything about you made me so nervous. I remember making a fool of myself talking about Mikael and him being a lightweight and I kept thinking you must think I was stupid.”

Isak smiles at the memory.

“I was so flustered,” he says. “You were so handsome coming over to me and when you asked me for my recommendation I could hardly think of anything…”

“But you still made me come back,” Even smiles. “And you recommended me the Crème Brûlée later that night.”

“Yeah, I remember,” Isak says.

Even runs his thumb against Isak’s knuckles and looks down at their hands.

“I still can’t take my eyes off you,” he says. “You are still the most gorgeous, pretty and hot person I have ever met. And you are also the sweetest, and funniest and nicest person in the world.”

They lean their foreheads together and rub their noses against each other. Isak can feel Even’s breaths on his face and closes his eyes. Even with the smell of paint in his nose and the messiness of this place it is still the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for him.  
He can feel Even move his arms and wrap his arms around Isak’s waist so he wraps his own arms around Even’s neck and hugs him tightly.

“This year has been so incredible, despite everything we have been through. At the beginning I was just so excited that you even wanted to talk to me. That you showed interest in me. But I was also scared that it wasn’t going to work even if my heart wanted you from the moment I met you. It felt like there were so many hurdles and it was so scary thinking that it might not work out. It feels stupid now when I think back to how scared I was that it would not work out. That I was too old for you and that people would never approve. But look at us now. My friends love you and yours have not tried to kill me yet. And they are all getting along and no one cares how old we are. You have made me the happiest I have been in a long time and you always amaze me. I can’t imagine living without you and I’m so happy with what we have right now and I would not change it for anything in the world. I can’t believe how lucky I got that I got you. That you wanted to be with me and still do despite everything I’ve put you through…” Even mumbles into Isak’s neck.

“Don’t…” Isak whispers. “I love you so much. No matter what happened between us. And I’ll always love you and what we have. Nothing can change that. You are the best thing that happened to me. You saved me. You made me feel whole when I had spent so much time feeling broken. Maybe we didn’t do everything right from the beginning by not being honest and keeping secrets but we are here now, right? And no matter what I’m so happy that I’ve got you and even if I had to go through all of that pain again I would do it. You are the man of my dreams and my best friend. You are my family.”

“Everything is just so perfect and I never want to lose you again,” Even says weakly, his embrace on Isak tightening even further.

“You won’t. As long as you never let me go you will have me forever,” Isak promises.

“I’ll never let you go,” Even whispers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 <3 <3 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading. Not only this chapter but all of them <3 
> 
> They got eachother in the end, after a long journey and many ups and downs. I hope you have liked their journey. I hope you like how it ends. For me they have come around full circle :) 
> 
> <3 Thank you for everything!

**Author's Note:**

> So there is the first chapter. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think. It would mean so mucht to me. Is it worth continuing? Is this something you are interested in reading? :) 
> 
> I don't work as a waiter and don't have any experience apart from a three week "trainee job" I had 7 years ago, haha. It's probably in accurate but it's not going to be a major part of the story. Hehe.


End file.
